A/N: Hiya peoples. I'll try not to make this too long, but PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE AUTHOR'S NOTE.
Okay; here's the deal. I had the idea for this one day and i just HAD to go through with it. This fic is rated "M" for safety, ya know, just to play it safe cuz some of this will deal with stuff not suitable for the "T" rating. There will be warnings for what each chapter will contain that pertaining to the "M" rating.
And because people continue asking me to update my other stories, I will put here the reason(s) I have yet to update them.
Eternity Shadows: Honestly, I've had writers block regarding this story and as of yet, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where i want to go from where I left off. So, to the readers of "Eternity Shadows" i deeply apologize for the nearly year-long lack of updates. But do not fret, for once inspiration strikes I'll be sure to continue.
The Rain Never Ends: To be perfectly honest, i had chapter 7 almost done, but some shit happened to the chapter, which I had all saved nicely; somehow, some of the text was replaced with strange symbols and it said something about restoration data regarding other documents. I'm not gonna lie: I was, and still am, really pissed off about that, but what can i do? All I CAN do is scrap the chapter and start it from scratch. This recent event has me somewhat discouraged, but once I get an idea of how to rewrite the chapter, you can be sure that I will follow through. Again, I'm gonna be honest here: I actually wasn't too happy with chapter 7, so perhaps it is a blessing rather than a curse that this happened.
Warnings for This Chapter: Not too explicit rape, not too explicit masturbation, cursing, some OOC-ness, mentions of yaoi and yuri (and i MEAN just mentions. I'm just putting this as a warning to be safe. Be assured that there is no actual yaoi/yuri in this fic... or at least this chapter. If I decide to put yaoi and/or yuri in this fic, it will be nonexplicit, but there will not actually be any yaoi/yuri pairings in this story. Maybe a kiss, but thats about it and only if I have the audience dare them to do it. -laughs evilly-) and total and utter crack!
Important Note!!!: Somehow, I have a feeling that this story may offend some people (some parts give me this feeling of possibly offending some of the people who read this), but PLEASE DO NOTE, that ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY THAT MAY CAUSE OFFENSE IS NOT MEANT TO DO SO AND IS ONLY IN THIS STORY FOR PURPOSES OF HUMOR AND ENTERTAINMENT. If something in this story offends you, I deeply apologize ahead of time.
Important Note 2!!!: Pairings will be present in this story, but there won't be that much romance and fluff although it will still be there. And do note that not all pairings in this fic will be mentioned in the first chapter.
Pairings: Ulquiorra/Orihime, Shunsui/Nanao, Ichigo/Rukia, Toshiro/Momo, Gin/Rangiku, Kisuke/Yoruichi
Ok. I think that about covers it, so read, enjoy, and I would appreciate it if you would review. ^^
The Bleach characters, shinigami, arrancar, and vizards alike were seated at tables in a setting reminiscent of a restaurant with dim lighting; all of them were dressed in their best dresses and tuxedos (although some continuously complained of having to wear said outfits…). They all chitchatted amongst themselves about some thing or another. The vizards and the arrancar (with a few exceptions) glared at the shinigami and contemplated joining forces with each other although they kept the notion to themselves. Lisa stared dreamily at Shunsui while Nanao glared at her, hissing the word "Mine!" in reference to the aforementioned captain. Ulquiorra barely spared Ichigo a glance before muttering "Idiotic trash." quietly, although it was loud enough for Ichigo to hear.
"What'd you call me?" the substitute shinigami challenged.
"I'm quite certain what I said was within your hearing range." Ulquiorra challenged calmly.
"You wanna take this outsi—"
"Ichigo, no fights before the ceremony's over; you promised!" Rukia chided, grabbing his arm.
Ichigo opened his mouth to protest, but the look on Rukia's face made him stop whatever he was about to say. "Fine," he conceded, "but only because it was you asking."
Ulquiorra turned back to the other person joining him at the table. "I apologize, Orihime. I also made a promise you that I would refrain from starting any physical conflict."
Orihime smiled and grabbed his hand, stroking the top of it with her thumb, silently accepting his apology.
Everything looked so perfect!
Time to fuck it up!
I, a young woman of about sixteen with cat ears, two cat tails (both the ears and tails had blue fur), long green hair, and blue eyes sauntered casually across the stage. My long brown and black skirt (well-complimented by my white spaghetti strap top and sleeve-like gloves that started out normally and end up hanging in a fashion similar to the sleeves on a kimono starting from the lower half of my lower arms, the inner lining being the same brown as the skirt, as well as my white-furred boots) suited me rather well.
"They all look so happy…" I said under my breath contentedly, "Wait… that's not right! Time to get this thing started!" and with that, I put my earplugs in my ears, and took a microphone out from behind my back (I mean really! What anime character can't take random things out from behind their backs?). Then, making absolutely sure that no one was aware of my presence, I put the microphone right in front of one of the speakers and the resulting feedback caused a collective "What the fuck?!" from the audience. Satisfied, I took the earplugs out and tossed them God-knows-where, before bringing the microphone to my mouth and speaking.
"Heya peoples! How are we tonight?" I said rather cheerfully.
I was given a more than ecstatic response from the crickets.
"Who the hell are you?" Ichigo asked rather rudely after about two minutes of silence.
"I am your lord and master!" I replied, laughing maniacally afterwards, "Well, I pretty much am, considering that I'm the author of this fanfic." I continued after another thirty seconds of silence.
"That's it, we're all doomed…" Enryuu said in his high and squeaky voice.
"Dear God, I hate filler characters!!!… and for the most part, I hate filler episodes too." I complained.
"What about episode two twenty-seven?" Orihime asked.
"I object! Episode two twenty-seven was present in the manga as the Special: Bleach at the Beach!" I shouted as though we were in a court room, "Even if it was only about five pages long, it was still there!"
"But—" Enryuu started.
"The court finds in favor of the defendant! Case closed!" I shouted, banging a random gavel against a small round platform on the corner of the podium.
"Where'd you get the gavel from?!" Enryuu squeaked even louder than usual.
"Does it matter? Tch…" I said, annoyed before taking a shotgun out of nowhere and shooting Enryuu and the two other annoying filler characters at the table. Everyone stared at me strangely.
"What?! I'm the author; I can do that" I justified.
"So when are you telling us why the fuck we're here in the first place?!" Grimmjow snarled.
"Ok, ok! Jeesh!" I mumbled through the microphone, "Spoil my fun, why don't ya? Ok the reason we're here, is for an awards ceremony!!!" I said ecstatically.
"And that is so not what you look like in real life." Ichigo, always the stick in the mud, stated out of nowhere.
"This is my author ego." I defended simply.
"Your what???" Ichigo asked, completely baffled.
"Author ego: The form an author takes when physically present in their own works, similar to an alter ego. Term first coined by Alice of the Vanguard." I explained, sounding like a dictionary, and giving a thumbs up.
"Your real name isn't "Alice" either! It's—"
"For someone who asked 'Who the hell are you', you seem to know a lot about me!" I retorted.
"Whatever…" Ichigo mumbled angrily, making sure to include plenty of curse words that I could hear but chose to ignore.
"Anyway! Most of you are nominees! The rest of you are just here 'cause I want you here. Any questions?"
"No? Good!" I cheerfully said.
A random spirit boy who was just there dejectedly walked out of the auditorium (after which, he was devoured by a hollow, clearly attracted by the hollow bait in front of the auditorium. Now I wonder who could've put that there… Heh heh…).
"Ok! First award is… 'Character Most Likely to be Raped in a Bleach Fanfiction'!"
"What kinda shit award is that?!" Grimmjow blurted out.
"It's my shit award, thank you very much. Thought of it all by myself!" I said proudly.
"Stupid ass bi—"
"Nominees are: You know her as the cliché damsel-in-distress of Bleach, the first nominee is… Orihime Inoue!!!" I shouted in a grandiose fashion.
Orihime squealed with excitement, "I'm a nominee, Orra-kun! A nominee!" before running up to the stage. Ulquiorra facepalmed.
"She does know that an award for being the most-raped character in fanfiction is a bad thing… right?" he deadpanned to himself.
"The darkly sexy emo clown of the Espada, we know him, we love him, we'd kill to have him if Orihime didn't already 'cause they're just that awesome together: Ulquiorra Schiffer!!!"
Ulquiorra silently made his way to the stage, utterly stunned and sent a I'm-going-to-completely-obliterate-you-if-you-don't-stop glare to Grimmjow upon hearing his snickering; Grimmjow got the message.
"The strawberry substitute shinigami with a strange tendency to get man-raped: Ichigo Kurosaki!!!" I roared with extra enthusiasm, as I named the last nominee.
"What the fuck?!?!" Ichigo practically screamed, "What fanfiction do I get raped in?!"
I winked, "In yaoi fanfiction, of course!"
And the crickets came back for an encore.
"You. Sick. Perv!" Ichigo said disgustedly.
I glared right at him and said, "As if you don't read yuri." and rolled my eyes.
"As if you don't." Ichigo returned.
"I don't read it often. Besides, I got a straight male friend who reads yaoi, so why can't I read yuri?" I defended.
Ichigo was completely at a loss for words, which I took as a signal to continue, "And us girls love our yaoi, am I right?!"
The female population of the audience gleefully shrieked their reply (even Orihime. Who knew?).
"Anyway, point is, you have been raped in yaoi fanfics by Grimmjow, so bring you and your fucked-up ass up here!" I spoke. Ichigo reluctantly got up and grumbled as he walked up to the stage and stood next to Ulquiorra.
I nodded, satisfied. "The envelope please?"
I was handed an envelope by a stereotypical ninja, complete with a mask that only revealed the eyes and a black full body suit, who disappeared in a puff of smoke after handing me the envelope.
"And the winner is…" I ripped the envelope open, "Orihime Inoooouueeeee!!!" I shouted enthusiastically, dragging out the pronunciation.
"Yay!!!!" Orihime cheered while jumping up and down, "I won! I won!!! …….. Wait… what?!?!"
"Now she gets it's a bad thing…" I said away from the microphone and rolled my eyes at her late realization, "Well, come up to accept your Bleachy Award!!!" I shouted into the microphone and took out an award that looked suspiciously like a new one-gallon jug of chlorine bleach spray painted gold.
Orihime gleefully took the heavy award in her hands. She was so ecstatic!
… that is, until…
"Imma fuck you up, bitch!" a cocky (no pun intended… you'll see what I mean in… oh, I'd say a couple of seconds…) voice came out of nowhere and the owner of the voice, none other than Nnoitra Jiruga, leapt onto the stage, toppling Orihime over, proceeding to rape her (and knocking the Bleachy out of her hands. What a waste of five dollars!).
"And… here you have it… folks… One of the characters who most often rapes Orihime in rape fics, Nnoitra Jiruga!!!" I said tentatively at first but gaining more confidence in my words soon after.
The crowd was silent.
"I said, Nnoitra Jiruga!!!" I repeated more firmly.
Floor two: women's undergarments, tampons, and stupid ass douches who can't take a hint!
"Clap, dammit!" I said through clenched teeth. The audience finally applauded, albeit hesitantly… took 'em long enough…
I was so happy with the delayed applause, that I didn't even notice Ulquiorra charging a cero at Nnoitra (who was still enjoying himself at Orihime's expense) at point-blank range until I saw a distinct green glow from my peripheral vision. I turned my head in his direction. "Ulquiorra, no!!!" I cried abruptly, tackling him immediately afterwards which ended up with us both on the ground in front of the stage.
Before Ulquiorra could even open his mouth, I said, "I'll take care of this." and got up off of him, climbing back onstage.
I then proceeded to take out a porno magazine, still wrapped in plastic and fresh from the bookstore, from behind my back.
"Nnoitra, I got porn." I said simply.
"I don't care, I got my own living sex toy right here."
"It's lezzy porn."
"Gimme!!!" the Quinto Espada cried as soon as I finished saying the last word, drool hanging from the corner of his mouth and a crazed look in his eyes.
"Quit fucking her and it's yours."
"Deal! Now give me the porno, bitch!"
I winked towards Ulquiorra and carelessly tossed the magazine behind me (and it unfortunately landed on Toshiro's table), "Oopsy!" I mocked faux-innocently.
Nnoitra leapt off of Orihime to the midget captain's table and grabbed his beloved tome of lesbian porn. He immediately opened the magazine and no sooner than he did, he stuffed his free hand into his hakama and began pleasuring himself. The male portion of the audience looked away in utter disgust, while the female portion (myself included, although I only took occasional glances and looked away the rest of the time) looked on in a strange mix of disgust and fangirlish fascination.
"Nnoitra! If you're gonna fuck yourself, don't do it here;" I shouted with my eyes shut, "do it in the men's bathroom or better yet, in front of Dora the Explorer!"
"I'm blind!!!" Toshiro screamed while in a fetal position on his chair (after all, he has what can unfortunately be called the best seat in the house. Poor Toshiro!), his eyes tightly shut and shakily muttered, "Go to your happy place, happy place…"
"And now let's welcome our special guest, Dora the Explorer!!!" I randomly roared, the little girl I hated so much coming out from behind the curtains.
I whispered something inaudible into her ear and she ran up to Nnoitra saying, "Hola senor, can I please have a piece of candy—Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" and she ran off screaming, leaving a gaping hole in the wall as she ran away after seeing Nnoitra dancing with his own disco stick. I just burst into laughter.
"And—haha!—that's all the time we—pffft!—have; see ya for the next awarhorhorhord!!!" I guffawed.
A disturbed and wide-eyed Ichigo merely said, "We're fucking doomed…"