A/N: Ok. REALLY quick author's note because I have to go to bed in a few minutes. Yes, there are new pairings, yes the disclaimer is applied, and no, nothing in this story is meant to cause offense if it does. Anything that may be offensive is only for purposes of comedy and I apologize if anyone is offended. There is also an allusion or two.
Thank you, peoples who reviewed the first chapter! 8D
Read, enjoy, and PLEASE review! ^^
"Annnnnnnd… We're back! Welcome back to the Bleach Fanfiction awards, everyone!" I shouted into the microphone.
"Get off the stage!"
"Who said that?!" I snarled, scrutinizing the room, with narrowed eyes, "Was it you, grammaw?!"
Everyone happened to notice the little old lady in the corner of the room. The poor elderly woman remained silent. It was just then that I had a great epiphany, "How the hell did she get in here…?"
"Can we get the hell on with this?!" Grimmjow muttered, "Buzz-Buzz and me were supposed to be screwing each others brains out by n—OWWW!" he shouted as two slender fingers tugged sharply at his ear.
"Jeagerjacquez! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"The fact that we're not fucking." Grimmjow snidely remarked.
"… You're incorrigible, you know that…? That aside, we said that 'Buzz-Buzz' was not on the list of approved nicknames!" Soi Fon growled.
"Keh. Ya know ya want me, Buzz Babe." Grimmjow darkly chuckled.
"Anything with the word 'buzz' in it is automatically not on the list!!!" Soi Fon shouted.
"Relax, babe. We're at an awards ceremony. Don't make a scene." Grimmjow laughed.
I could've sworn I heard the tension in the air; it was crackling… Kinda like when you microwave a CD.
"Ahem!" I interrupted, "As much as a think you two are an awesome couple and as much as I enjoy watching you two argue—I'm actually regretting not making popcorn—I have an awards show to run, so can you two continue your little lover's spat later?" I made sure to ask just a little too nicely, to see if I could pull off that furious-while-looking-happy-as-can-be look that Retsu somehow manages. Note to self: Ask Retsu after the ceremony for pointers.
"So what's the next award anyway?" Ichigo asked, making sure to mutter, "You crazy bitch…" afterwards. I had to restrain myself from just tearing his balls off with my bare hands (or better yet, from asking Rukia to do it). He'll pay eventually, but for now…
"Next award is… 'Most Likely to Accidently Blow Up the Planet at a School Science Fair'!!!" I declared.
"If I ever blew up Earth, you can rest assured it would be no accident." Szayel muttered.
"Which, Szayel, is why you are one of the candidates!"
"Nominee." Random Nameless Shinigami #4,786 corrected.
"Tch! Whatever! Nobody asked you, RNS number… sixty-nine, right?" I guessed.
"Kssht… Sixty-nine…" Grimmjow sniggered, attempting to hold in his laughter, and waggled his eyebrows suggestively to Soi Fon who only rolled her eyes.
"Why don't we ever sixty-nine, Ichigo?" Rukia sighed. Ichigo gave her a strange look.
Orihime looked at the ceiling in deep thought. "Sixty… nine…? I don't get it…"
"You don't need to get it, Hime-chan…" Ulquiorra muttered, hoping she wouldn't press the matter (at least until they were able to leave this God-forsaken award ceremony. Insert maniacal laughter here).
"Okay! First of all, enough talk about sixty-nining; I'd prefer to keep this as non-sexually explicit as possible!" I finally intervened.
"There's a first…" Ichigo grumbled (motherfucking killjoy… I'll deal with him later, but for now…).
"You know what, Ichigo, you really need to shut the fu- is Nnoitra still jacking off?" I began but stopped when I noticed the aforementioned Espada performing the aforementioned action, "Nice stamina." I quickly noted before returning to the topic at hand.
"Okay! Second... You know what, fuck this! There are only three damn scientists in this series, just come up and save me some trouble."
Mayuri waltzed up the stairs (no, seriously. He waltzed… and fell on his ass. Insert more maniacal laughter here) to the stage.
"Did… Mayuri just…. waltz up the stairs…?" Kisuke implored.
"Uhhh…. no…" I attempted to cover up, "He… you…. Yoruichi did it!"
"What?!" Yoruichi blurted, "No I didn't!
I sweatdropped and tried to think of something, anything to throw Kisuke off my tail (despite the fact he wasn't on either one).
"Alice." Kisuke said firmly, raising an eyebrow.
I giggled nervously before sighing in defeat. "Alright… you got m—oh my freaking God, is that the Hogyouku?!" I gasped, pointing in some random direction.
"The Hogyouku?! Wher—"
"Author powers, activate!!! Shape of, a Magikarp!!!" I shouted, my arms out straight in front of me and my fingers wiggling in a rather ridiculous fashion. In a small poof of smoke, a sticky note appeared attached to my hand. I removed said note and read it.
"I.O.U: 1 Magical Transformation of Another Person for Comedic Purposes
My eyebrow twitched and I shook my fist at the ceiling. "Hey! I won that bet fair and square!!! I was guaranteed use of your powers at any time, day or night, twenty-four seven three hundred sixty-five days a year or, on leap years, three hundred sixty-six days a year!!! Even on holidays, including during Lent, Christmas, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Easter Sunday, and when your eating pizza from Dominos!!!"
Another sticky note poofed onto my hand. Of course, I read it.
"I.O.U: 1 Explanation"
Seeing how Kisuke wasn't turned into a Magikarp, I was looking pretty damn stupid at the moment. So, to redeem myself, I used the mother of all anime clichés: I whacked Kisuke upside the head with a giant rice mallet!
Needless to say, it was more than effective.
"Yoru-chan, can you suck my cock again…? I love how you do it…" Kisuke asked in a half-conscious daze, falling to the floor with a thud shortly afterwards.
Yoruichi facepalmed in mortification that her lover just said that. I (and the rest of the audience), on the other hand, remained silent while the crickets were kind enough to put on a show for the rest of us.
"Uhh… Yeah… We'll be right back…" I laughed nervously.
An announcer appeared, seemingly from thin air (oh great… an infomercial…)
"Has this ever happened to you?!" he asked and pointed towards the audience.
"Oh no. Life sucks. I can't take it anymore. Pause and sigh for dramatic effect." Ulquiorra read robotically from a teleprompter, "I wish to end my meaningless existence, but I cannot find a knife, pill bottle, gun, hangman's noose, tube of crazy glue (A/N: I actually put some crazy glue on the bristles of a small paintbrush once and, I swear, it started smoking. If crazy glue does that to a paintbrush, I would think it can be used to commit suicide) or other object that could be used to end one's life. Oh me, oh my. What ever shall I do?"
"Well, random suicidal maniac who just so happens to look emo! Try the Petite Mort!" a disembodied voice announced.
"'The Petite Mort'…? Isn't that the French euphemism for an orgas—"
"That's right!" The Petite Mort! It's a small device that can be installed—I mean—surgically implanted into your brain! Whenever you're having suicidal thoughts, the Petite Mort activates, conveniently killing you slowly and painfully!" the announcer continued, ignoring the fact that Ulquiorra ignored the teleprompter.
"…" Ulquiorra said.
"Get the Petite Mort today!!! Side effects include premature aging, wrinkles, spontaneous combustion, unwanted death, sexual arousal, the urge to become a porn star, explosive diarrhea, melting, and pregnancy."
"This commercial… is ridiculous…" Ulquiorra practically snarled.
!End of Intermission!
"Sorry about that folks! Since, Kisuke has been disposed of—I mean—disqualified, the envelope please?"
Yet another sticky note appeared on my hand. "What now?!"
"I.O.U: The Results for Who Won This Chapter's Bleach Award.
"Grrr…" I growled, "The winner is Szayel! If anyone needs me, I'll be in my God-dang trailer!"
I stomped off the stage and to my trailer.
The audience was quiet for several moments.
"Let's get the hell outta here!" Ichigo shouted.
"The doors and windows are all locked with kido. Nice try though." I called through the P.A. system installed in the auditorium.
"… Shit…" Ichigo growled.
"See you for the next award peoples! Alice out!" I announced
The P.A system turned off.
Szayel only stood there, pondering something. "Wait… Where's my Bleachy?!"