Hey whoever is reading this. First things first-this particuliar chapter is similiar in tone to 'Van Helsing The London Assignment' the official prequel to the movie so I highly recommend that if you haven't seen it already. It's up on YouTube in four different parts FYI. Most of the interaction between Van Helsing and Carl in this is similiar to that.

Oh and incase anyone is looking for insane amounts of Twilight bashing this really only has a sprinkle of it. The rest is pretty Bromance heavy. I dedicate this chapter to Carl because he often gets forgotten in this fandom although he is awesome.

Oh and the idea to use the sunshine contraption somehow came from TheEvilMuffinToaster. Thanks a bunch!


Dracula vs. the Sparkly Fairy

Chapter 3- The Friar vs. the Sparkly Fairy

"…and why exactly can't you be the demon bait? You're built better than I am and have far better dancing skills," Carl huffed as Gabriel Van Helsing continued trying to fix the friar's hair.

"Shouldn't you have a bald spot?"

"Friar loophole," Carl protested.

Van Helsing just smiled at him.

"There seem to be a lot of special rules for you, Carl. There-Voila!" the hunter admired the results of his hairstyling abilities.

"Let me see! Let me see!" Carl begged.

Van Helsing obliged by handing him a small pocket mirror.

"Pfff! I look like a preening chicken!" he complained.

"Sounds like perfect bait material to me," Van Helsing winked at him as he turned and began walking to his hiding place on the opposite side of the dance floor.

"L-let's go over the plan one more time," Carl squeaked nervously.

Van Helsing rolled his eyes but cooperated. He gestured vaguely to the ostentatious Vilkova Palace which was situated on the opposite side of a graveyard to their left.

"Some new all-powerful Vampire King is celebrating All Hallows Eve in my old friend's summer palace. We are going to attempt to lure the "guests" over here where we meaning you will enthrall them with your newly honed dancing skills. We get as many of them in here as possible and then we unleash your synthetic sunlight contraption," the hunter reached into his trench coat pocket and withdrew said device, a wicked smile spreading across his handsome face.

"None of that specifically explains why you couldn't use a woman for this-"

"Oh Carl, maybe I needed a fellow man of God at my side," he said, only half jokingly.

"I know you showed me certain "moves" but I am a friar and I have very limited experience when it comes to thrusting-" he was cut off by his friend's loud guffaw.

"That's certainly not the impression you left on that pretty barmaid in Vaseria. She had complete confidence in your thrusting abilities."

Before Carl could protest any further, Van Helsing raised his hand to signal for silence.

"Enough bickering, as soon as this music starts blaring I want to see you dancing and don't want to hear another word."

With that, Van Helsing selected a song from his iPod and turned up the volume of the speakers which the device was connected to. He smirked at his selection of music before gently squeezing open a panel on the wall and sliding inside the alcove there which just managed to allow him to breathe. Having such an astounding package wasn't easy.

Van Helsing could see Carl but Carl couldn't see him. Left alone in the abandoned nightclub aside from the blaring noise of Lady Gaga's 'Lovegame' was easily the most humiliating thing to happen so far this decade.

Putting all his insecurities aside, Carl began to move to the beat, hesitantly at first but within moments he couldn't suppress his body's desires any longer and devoted himself to the task at hand completely.

He shimmied, bent, wobbled and erm, thrusted until he began to perspire. He knew he didn't look completely ridiculous as he wasn't wearing his usual friar garb. Instead he wore a pair of skinny jeans and a brightly coloured shirt. He had felt self-conscious about the choice of trousers initially as they weren't very flattering but Van Helsing had assuaged these worries by assuring him that he had great legs. That sentence had made him feel mildly uncomfortable, but he just shrugged it off. He was a heterosexual male and secure in his masculinity.

His moves became more adventurous. His manoeuvres turned bold and daring. He felt like he never did when he was being overshadowed by Van Helsing- like a walking orgasm.

The room suddenly felt cold to his soaked with sweat skin but he dismissed it as a draught coming from some faraway corner of the building. Only when he heard a wolf whistle did he completely break out of his frenzied trance. This was why he didn't dance whenever Van Helsing asked him to accompany him! He took leave of his senses and acted irrationally.

He looked up and his jaw slackened automatically. At the main entrance were at least two dozen beautiful vampire women, staring at him like he was well, prey. He gulped in both fear and excitement. He knew these creatures were evil but his body wasn't filled with the same conviction. Still pumped up from the dancing, his body wasn't strictly under his control.

Without breaking eye contact with the ravishing creature in front of the…(school?pack?pride?) of vampires, Carl took one step backwards from their animalistic leers only to find himself leaning back into another beautiful woman. She bit at his ear playfully and licked at a drop of sweat that had been running down his throat all the while, the others began to circle him…

The woman behind him forced her fingers beneath his chin and brought his gaze to hers. Her eyes were the most ethereal green he had ever born witness to and her hair was a breathtaking hue of auburn. She licked her ruby red lips in anticipation before bending her head down to his neck again. He closed his eyes and felt the ticklish sensation of her fangs grazing the skin, felt her full breasts digging into his back….

"Sorry to interrupt, ladies," Van Helsing deadpanned. Carl's eyes shot open in…regret? In the split second before the magnificent light engulfed the room Carl savoured the feel of the woman pressed against his back and the others staring at him with equal amounts of carnal desire and bloodlust.

Then, in a flash of blinding illumination and banshee like screams they were gone. Without the woman-thing he mentally corrected himself- at his back Carl almost toppled to the floor. Luckily, his partner was there to catch him. Although he knew he was meant to feel grateful and relieved(and he did to a certain extent) Carl couldn't helped being peeved at Van Helsing. He grunted something unintelligible.

"What are you mad about now?" Van Helsing grunted in response.

"You could have waited until-"

"Until what? Until they killed you?" there was a hint of laughter in his voice now.

"….until they got a proper taste of me!"

Van Helsing patted Carl on the back sympathetically.

"Never fall for a vampire Carl, they play with their food too much and while the food may enjoy the being played with, it's still just a meal. You know what we should do to celebrate this successful mission?"


"Strip club."

"Gabriel, that's demeaning to women!"

"Hey, hey, hey! I too am in that line of business so what does that make me? Am I demeaning the male sex?"

"N-no, that's completely different because you're a man," Carl spluttered.

"Aha! I think you'll find that you are the sexist one Carl!"

The two were chuckling to themselves when something became apparent to them- random people were walking into the abandoned club and surrounding them.

"What is this? A lynch mob? Because I've seen mobs a lot more threatening than this in my time-," Van Helsing was cut off by an approaching woman.

"Would you please just…turn that light on again? We're vampires and we love the sun!"

"Erm…okay," Van Helsing said, trying to hide the fact that he was completely weirded out.

He pushed the small button on the lava contraption and it lit up once again, but instead of killing the self proclaimed "vampires" it merely made them glisten and sparkle like diamonds. They all giggled excitedly, their eyes started to glaze over and they moved towards the two men, intent on capturing the little ball of sun.

"They must be some sort of fairies," Carl whispered.

Van Helsing nodded silently, weighing the ball in his hands, not wanting to hand it over but truly not caring enough about these obviously harmless creatures to fight for it.

As if reading his thoughts Carl offered the perfect solution. "I have more of them, you can hand this one over."

With that Van Helsing threw the little circular contraption to his left and both men watched, amusedly as the dozens of "vampires" chased after it like dogs chasing after chewy toys. Or perhaps more appropriately, like moths to a flame.

Evil vanquished and idiocy indulged for the evening, the two friends went dancing for the rest of the night. Carl was given ample opportunity to show off his thrusting abilities both on the dance floor and off it. Van Helsing was proud. His little friar was finally growing up.

Hope that wasn't too random and that you all enjoyed the...thrusting, ehem! Review!=)