In biology yesterday, I got to feel like Bella needed me even if the moment did not last as long as I would have liked. To be honest I am torn, I want to give her space, give her time to heal or move on but I need her around, I have tried so hard to stay away from her but I am loosing this battle, I can't fight this war between me and the great pull I feel towards Bella. But the question is what do I do?
Today is the day Bella is coming round because of something to do with Alice and Jasper, I'm not sure I wasn't paying attention I had to much on my mind to figure out what was going on with them. But I had all the information I needed to know, I will be in the presence of my Bella.
I sat downstairs with everyone else waiting for Bella to arrive.
"I wonder where she is" Rose pondered.
"She did say she would come" Alice said. I think more to herself.
There was knock on the door and Em went to open it.
"Heyy Bella" Em's voice boomed.
"Em" her sweet voice whispered.
She came in looking stunning as always. She was wearing a green vest with her black skinny jeans with a black hoodie.
"What took you so long?" Rose asked
"Jacob decided to show up" she said.
Jacob? Jacob!!.... Who the hell was Jacob? A rush of jealousy ran through my body, I wanted to grab Bella and shake her until she told me who Jacob is and I wanted to go beat up whoever this Jacob guy was.
"Jacob?" Em said.
"Yeah, the guy I have known since I was born, were very close" she said smiling at the memory.
Guilt rushed around my body. She talked about this guy better then she does of me. I knew I screwed up and I would give anything to take it back. I wanted her back as my best friend and my girlfriend.
We soon left that conversation which I was thankful for and we all sat down.
"I can't believe its been two years" Jasper said looking at Alice.
"Two amazingly good years" Alice said kissing him.
Soon everyone was kissing and me and Bella sat there not sure what to do.
"Umm...Yeah" Bella said and got up to go in the kitchen. I followed a couple of seconds later, evidence that I was loosing this fight, I couldn't fight any longer. I am too weak and my love for her is too strong. She had her head resting in her hands whilst she was lent over the table. I wasn't sure how to approach her and I wasn't ready yet, I just wanted to look at her, her beautiful face. Adrenaline pulsed round my body as if I was about to do something dangerously risky, maybe I was?
I cleared my throat and whispered "Hello"
Bella jumped up and turned round. In that second I could have done two things. I could have either moved away or I could have stayed.
When she had turned round we were so close that our lips where millimeters apart. She was breathing hard and I was just watching her. How I wanted to get are lips to touch. She apparently had the same idea because we both started to lean in. mere seconds away... but she realized what she was doing and pulled away.
"Sorry" her voice was weak.
"You have nothing to be sorry for" is aid looking at my feet.
" I better go" she said.
"Don't leave" I pleaded.
"I have to" she said placing a kiss on my cheek. Before she pulled away she whispered "I'm sorry for the pain your feeling"
she said and walked of.
"Alice I'm off" she shouted and walked out of the door.
I guess it will take a little more then I thought. But I was going to fix this. I grabbed my coat and keys and made my way to Bella's house.
I wasn't going to let her walk away from me again.
As much as I hate him, I love him twice as much. It's hard to know what's the right thing to do because I don't want a broken heart that I have to fix again. He will always have my heart whether I like it or not. He is my only love and always will be. For all these years I have hopped he would feel the same way but now that I know he loves me, it just makes it harder. It doesn't change my fear but I want him more then ever but I can't be sure if this all a sham. Only time will tell.
He is my hope, my life, my strength... he is my everything. He may have been a cocky jerk but I believe he has changed. I want to tell him everything will be okay because we both love each other but I can't because I don't even know that.
I know that we aren't speaking but it was sweet when he sent the roses everyday. It made my heart flutter and I missed him so much more. I craved for him more. I love him with all my heart but I don't want to put myself in pain again.
Yesterday at his house I wasn't sure what happened. We were about to kiss and I didn't stop it until I realized I had to. I came there to celebrate but I left in tears. But I had to think things through because I think I'm ready to forgive him.
Will I ever be ready?
I woke up and showered. I got dressed in skinny jeans and a jumper. I was home alone today. I sat down and just watched some Gilmore girls. How I wished life was as easy as it was in the shows. I was disturbed by someone knocking at the door. I went and opened it and was taken back by who it was. I tried to close the door but he stuck his foot out, stopping it.
"Bella please we need to talk" he said pleading.
"No we don't" I said but I knew we had to. I just didn't want to face him.
"Bella please" He begged. I opened the door so he could come in and I walked into the living room.
"Bella, I meant what I said yesterday" he said standing in front of me.
"Hum" I said nodding my head.
"Bella I am in love with you and always will be. You're the woman that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with." He said placing a hand on my arm. I shrugged it of.
"Edward that doesn't change what I think" I said. I knew I was on the verge of crying.
"What do you think?" He asked.
"I know you love me... well at least I think I do. But I am scared. I am scared because I think you are going to break me again or push me too far over the edge that I might do something stupid. I don't want to be one of your flings Edward. I don't want a meaningless relationship. I want someone that will be there when ever I need them. I want someone that I can trust" I said and I was crying at this moment. I wiped them away because I didn't want to be seen as the weak one again.
"Bella I don't ever want to hurt you. I want to be in a relationship with you and it won't be meaningless. You can trust me Bella" He said and he was tearing up as well.
"I can't Edward not after everything you did. You broke me so bad that I am not even whole again. I don't want to make another mistake like you unless I am so sure you are being honest. You say you love me, but you don't even know me. I am not the Girl I used to be. I have changed. I don't want to be this Bella anymore Edward. I want to be the happy care free one but this is what you made me. You are my own personal hell Edward. I tell myself not to go near you but I can't stop myself because you're what I crave. You're who I picture my life with and I can't get rid of them no matter how hard I try. I don't want to be in love with you but I am" I said I had clasped during my speech and Edward had grabbed me and brought me into a hug.
"Bella, I know I have done bad things to you that can not be excused but believe me when I say I love you. You are the person I picture my life with. You're the one I picture growing old with. Bella I am so sorry about all the things I have done to you. I was stupid and an idiot and I know nothing I can say can make it better. But I will be with you every step of the way even if you don't want me to be because I love you that much. Bella I never meant to hurt you so badly. You will never know how sorry I am" he said.
Maybe he did mean it when he said he loved me. I wanted to just let him have me but that wouldn't be right would it?
" It's not about how sorry you are, I just need you to prove to me that you mean what you say and that you wont break me again" I said pulling away from his chest.
"Bella why can't you believe me? I mean what I say. I love you more then anything and I have loved you from the first day I met you but-"he started saying but I interrupted him.
"How can you say that? If you had loved me form the start then you wouldn't have done what you did" I said. I knew I was about to break.
"Bella I didn't mean to do what I did but it was what I was meant to do when I am in the popular crowd. Believe me, I never wanted to stop speaking to you but it was frowned upon. I was trying to be something I wasn't. All my meaningless relationships were only there to keep my mind off of you. But Bella I want to have a relationship with you and it won't be meaningless, I will give you anything you want and I will treat you the way you should be treated. I won't break you, if anything I will try to fix you" he said.
I couldn't stop myself I busted into tears. I knew he would he seemed so truthful. He tried to wipe away my tears butt hey just kept on coming. He brought me into a hug but id didn't want to put him in anymore pain then I have done.
So I started hitting his chest with my fists trying to make him let go but he kept a strong hold on me. I kept punching and punching but I soon got tired and gave up. I cried until his shirt was wet. My face was raw and my throat was hoarse.
The next thing shocked us both.
"I forgive you" I whispered before I ran into my room.