Author: SikemiNat's brain (I can't control it)
Characters: Sam, Dean, other SPN characters, Fiona :)))))
Tagline: This shit is bananas
Summary: Sammy is scared of bananas. Weirdness ensues.
Note: I am mad. This is not funny. Repeat. I have serious issues. I even managed to throw in a line about Paris Hilton before she was cast on the show. Small world. Huh. Oh and my high school terminology kinda sucks. And if I wrote 'boot' I mean the trunk.
Go easy on me, tis my first ever 'crack' fic :P
Once upon a time, Sammy really hated fruit and veg. Like seriously hated them. He used to dream about salting and burning them for fun. And wait for it; he had a serious fear of bananas. He was convinced that the fact they had no juice coming out of them made them evil and non-human.
"But they're not human" Dean said with a confused look on his face.
"Shut up" Sam mumbled back. As long it made sense to him he didn't care. His fear deepened when he saw a commercial for McDonalds on TV one night. It was one of those ones that the government made them do to promote healthy eating or whatever. He doubted that these ever worked seeing as you could still Super Size everything anyway. But this advert…it was like Ronald McDonald holding a banana! No shit, Sam had nightmares for days and he decided that this couldn't go on anymore. He was better than this. He was better than that stupid clown and the dumbass banana. Sam kept on repeating this to himself until he saw that Dean was watching Bananas in Pyjamas and he ran out of the room screaming.
A few hours later his mind was made up. He was going to dress up as a banana. And yes he was serious,
"You're not serious" Dean said for the fifth -no fifthteenth time.
"You bet I'm serious" Sam shot back. This was the only way he could get rid of his fear. He'd tried shooting bananas with the .45 his had given him and that hadn't worked, he tried setting them on fire, salt'n'burn, he even flushed one down a toilet once but it got stuck and he had to touch it when he went to pull it out – he carried his little bottle of antibacterial gel with him for three days straight and used it every fifteen minutes just to get the banana smell out.
"What banana smell?" Dean has asked because really he didn't even know that bananas had any distinct kind of smell
"They do, "Sam had assured him, "They really do" and Dean had just left it that because seriously, Sam was one weird ass kid and really he didn't want to have a conversation about the way bananas smelt because just thinking about it as he was doing now was only going to add to Sam's stupidness.
Three days later and Dean was waiting by the car so that he could drop Sam off at school and his mouth dropped open when Sam emerged – or well squeezed – his way out of the front door.
"What. The. Hell…" he murmured not quite believing his eyes. He had a bit of a hangover so maybe this was all a dream. He closed his eyes for a second and…he opened them up again and shook his head slowly. Out of everyone in the whole wide world he had to be the one with a brother stupid enough to dress up as a banana just so he could conquer his stupid fear of stupid bananas. Did he mention that Sam was stupid?
"Sam…you're not riding in my car dressed like that"
"Why the hell not" Sam shot back his eyes all lit up with anger and geez where could Dean start?
"Are you serious? You can't dress up like a fucking banana' Dean yelled and Sam winced slightly.
"Could you keep it down, your voice is echoing off my top of the costume" he said quietly and Dean just stared at him. And he stared some more. Maybe if he stared for long enough then –
"Dean stop staring at me, you can't stare the banana costume away, dude, this baby is here to stay" Sam said in a smug tone and Dean wanted to punch that smirk off his face but he figured that he couldn't do any real damage while the costume was on so he'd wait.
"Well you're not driving in my car, the seats aren't big enough" he shot back.
"The back seat is, I got the suit tailored so I could fit in the back" Sam said as he walked over to the car, "Come on let's go" and he looked at Dean expectantly and Dean just stared. The bright yellow suit was starting to give him a serious headache. He had history first period as well, and that wouldn't even relieve his headache.
"Sam" he said through gritted teeth, "take the frickin' banana costume off NOW"
"NO" Sam said sternly and Dean sighed,
"Well then you're riding in the trunk"
So Sam rode to school in the trunk, it was only a 10 minute drive so Dean thought that he could use the time as a sort of time out to think about how stupid he was being.
Naturally, Sam ended up in detention. Apparently dressing up in costume was a 'blatant breaking of the dress code and disrespect of something or other' Sam had stopped listening because the principals voice has started to echo off his costume and everything went all fuzzy. As he walked into the detention room, everyone cracked up. Sam was kinda taken aback he though that they'd all like beat him up and trash his suit but no they were laughing. As he walked into the room and down the aisle they called out to him,
"Ha, good one bro'
"Hey Winchester, love the suit"
"Dude, could you be more gay?"
The last one stopped him in his tracks and he stopped and noticed that he was in a room full of jocks…and that this wasn't the detention room. But this also meant that Dean was going to kill him. He looked up and sure enough his brother was giving him a look that could probably do more damage than the plague ever could. He spun on his heel and ran out of the room and he quickly tracked down the detention room.
As he entered there were only three other people in the room and he breathed a sigh of relief.
"I can't believe you dressed up as a banana," someone said and Sam jerked upwards and nearly knocked his desk down.
"Uh, what?" he said stupidly. He noticed that the girl who had spoken was in his English class.
"Fiona, right?" he said because he figure that he might as well talk to her and she wouldn't be able to see his face when he blushed. She smiled and nodded and he figured that he was making progress.
"So, why are you in detention?"
"I…uh…wrote a story…that I wasn't supposed to…"
"What kind of story?" he asked because he had to ask.
"One where, you and your brother are hunters, and you save people from the supernatural, like from ghosts and spirits and all sorts" she said quickly and Sam just froze. Dean would seriously murder him if he found out that someone knew their secret. Or well had 'dreams' about their lives.
"Why would you write something like that?" he asked and she shrugged, "Seriously?"
"I think that I have psychic…abilities…I saw you and your brother in a dream and I knew that I had to write about it…you should read some…you and your brother could save the world. You could save us all…" Fiona replied and Sam just stared at her. She was nuts.
"I know, but so are you," she said in an even tone.
"Prove it" Sam said because he always got a bit stupid around girls. Especially ones dreamt about him. He cleared his throat, Upstairs brain, Sam; think with your upstairs brain.
"You're dressed as a banana," she said and he looked down. Oh. Right. Well he couldn't argue with that, "Why is that anyway?"
"I am trying to conquer my fear of bananas" he said in a triumphant tone, and then he paused and said, "But you knew that right?" Fiona laughed and nodded slightly.
"So, what's gonna happen after detention then?" he said because really, everyone knew about his banana fear so that was one was easy.
"Erm…let's just say that you might need a new banana suit for tomorrow…"
Trouble came in the form of Ed and Harry after detention. Ed and Harry were the school bullies. Everyone was scared of them except for Sam and Dean. That's why they liked to make out like Sam was a complete loser. The truth was that they only had one brain cell between them and Sam could totally take them any day but he just chose not to.
"Hey, Sammy, what's the matter Sammy…did you run out of clean clothes?" Ed yelled with an ugly smirk. Sam shoved his head down and kept on walking.
"Come on banana man, give us twirl" Ed yelled and Harry piped up too with a really loud
"QUACK, QUACK" and even Sam stopped to look at him as Ed elbowed him and said,
"What the hell, dude?"
"Ducks are yellow…they say quack, quack…"
"You idiot, BANANAS are yellow, yellow isn't banana!" Ed hissed and Sam snorted. Okay so maybe Ed had his own brain cell in that big head of his.
"What did you say?" Harry said suddenly and Sam looked down at his feet. Shit. He said that out loud? He frickin said it out loud.
"Dude," Ed snarled, "Wouldya think in your damn head…yeah you said it out loud" They both looked kinda angry and Sam thought that maybe he should starting running now. But he didn't, not until Harry pulled out a mega speaker – yes, a honest to god mega speaker – and yelled,
"EVERYBODY GET THE GIANT BANANA NOW!" and Sam swore and ran off in a random direction as the entire student body began to run after him.
Sam trudged his way into the motel room and he sank down onto the nearest bed. His banana suit was ruined. It was in pieces. It was barely covering up…certain body parts and he'd been given a warning for indecent exposure. It had been the most humiliating day of his life. Dean came in a few minutes after and he took one look at Sam and started laughing. He laughed for so long that Sam though he would faint or something,
"Are you okay?" he asked finally as he flopped down onto the bed adjacent to Sam's.
"Apart from being mauled by the entire student body and humiliated in front of everybody, yeah, Dean I'm fine…did you join in too?" Sam snapped angrily and Dean sighed.
"Well at least the suit is gone and tomorrow you'll have your normal clothes on and everyone will leave you alone," he said simply, "And no I didn't join in, I wasn't even there, dude" He eyes glazed over as he remembered what he'd been doing all afternoon. Ah, fun times.
"About the costume…" Sam said slowly, "I may have a spare…"
"If you can see it, then you can kill it…isn't that what Dad always says?" Sam asked and Dean said,
"Well…yeah," Dean agreed.
"Right so as long as I can see myself as a banana I can kill the fear…" Sam said as if he was talking about a normal thing to be scared of. Dean just reached into his pocket and pulled out a banana. Sam's face remained indifferent for a few seconds and then Dean threw the banana at him and he screamed and ran to the bathroom and locked himself in. Dean pulled a face,
"Ooohh as long I see myself as a banana…I can kill the fear" he mimicked in a high pitched tone.
"I fucking heard that!" Sam's muffled voice came through the bathroom door
"You were supposed to!" Dean yelled back as he switched on the TV.
Sam emerged a few minutes later dressed in a yellow t-shirt and jeans and Dean just raised an eyebrow at him?
"What?" Sam said in an annoyed tone, "Bananas are yellow, yellow isn't banana"
"That sounds like something Harry would say..." Dean said with a shudder. Hanging around that douche was what he imagined it would be like to hang out with Paris Hilton. Only she was hotter, dumber and easier to tune out.
Sam just swallowed quickly and looked away.
Later that evening, Sam paid a quick visit to the shop where he'd gotten the banana suit from. It was owned by a mystic looking woman called Ruby, and Sam was convinced that she was a witch. Sam knew that he should probably kill her, but there was something about her…she was the only person who had wanted to help with his fear of bananas. She'd only even laughed once before she'd sobered up and decided to help him
"How long is it going to take?" he asked her.
"I don't know!" she snapped, she'd just been about to close the store and was in need of some seriously good fries and she was annoyed that banana boy was bothering her.
Sam swore he saw smoke coming out of her ears and he peeked behind her and spotted her cauldron so he just got the hell out of there.
The 2nd day he squeezed out of the front door he wasn't surprised to see Dean waiting by the trunk of his car. Great. Another trunk ride. It turned out that Dean was going through their shotgun collection and Sam's eyes widened.
"Dean," he said as he sort of shuffled over to the car, "What are you doing??!"
"They banana'd my car Sam…they banana'd it" Dean said through gritted teeth…and Sam? Sam felt kinda bad, he wanted to tell Dean that banana'd wasn't an actual word and that it didn't make sense but he didn't because Dean would probably shoot him.
"So uh, why do you need a gun?" he asked and Dean looked at him as if he was insane. Sam kinda freaked out at the point because what with Dean's mood and all he'd probably be on the receiving end of one those bullets. He swallowed audibly.
"Erm…maybe I should walk to school?" he suggested. Dean just shook his head and pointed at the trunk and Sam sighed and got in. Here we go again, he thought.
Two hours later and no one had bothered him. He'd been taken out of his classes and been given an internal exclusion; he hadn't even known that those even existed. But he kinda liked it. And he was seriously behind on his algebra. Being a giant banana was hard work. So when the head cheerleader, Bela walked in he didn't even notice until she tapped her fingers on the desk.
"Whaaa ddck nngh" he said, because as we've discovered already, Sam got stupid around girls.
"Mr Walker says that you should come and get your lunch" she said before she sauntered away. Sam frowned because he didn't really do lunch. And…it was 11am…it wasn't even lunch time yet? Maybe the bad kids got early lunch or something? Sam really should have known better, but this banana thing was totally jacking up his hunter senses.
So he walked to the cafeteria while humming his favourite bon jovi song simply because he felt like it and he entered in and walked over to the queue before he realised that the cafeteria was completely silent. He turned slowly and he saw that the whole school was in there, all of them grinning like maniacs on speed while holding bunches of bananas. Sam gulped. He watched as Harry grabbed the mega speaker and yelled,
"I'M GOING TO COUNT TO A HUNDRED AND THEN WE GET HIM…ONE…TWO…THREE" and even Sam stopped to roll his eyes because seriously there was just air in Harry's big head.
"Gimme that, you idiot," Ed grumbled, "THREE…TWO…ONE…GO!!" and Sam obviously had a defective flight response or something because he didn't even move and they started to throw bananas at him. He ducked suddenly and began to run around the cafeteria, dodging bananas. He stopped to laugh as someone got Harry smack bang in the mouth but then he moved again when he saw Ed giving him murderous looks. He somehow managed to get to the door and he ran out and straight into Dean who was holding his cell with a relieved look on his face.
"Whoa…whoa…" he said when Sam came hurtling towards him. Dean could smell banana and he suddenly felt kinda sick.
"Dean!" Sam said, "I think I'm over my fear!! I didn't even cry! I'm over it" and he caught a banana that had come sailing out of the open cafeteria door and peeled it and took a huge bite and Dean's eyes almost popped out of his skull.
"I think I'm going to be sick" he said as he ran towards the nearest bathroom.
The Next Day
So, Sam and Dean were finally moving on, though Sam kept the banana suit just in case. As they were driving towards wherever Sam pulled out a banana, he loved them now, couldn't get enough of them. For Dean however, that was not the case.
"Sam, get rid of the banana or I will shoot it out of your hands" he said through gritted teeth.
"Erm…" Sam said, "What?"
"Sam, just do it," Dean yelled and Sam got it, Dean was scared of bananas now. But how that happened? Oh…hang on wait…
Sam: "So what happens when I lose the fear?"
Ruby: "The suit merely defects the fear onto someone else but at least you'll be rid of it"
Sam: "Who will the banana fear move onto to?"
Ruby: "Probably someone close to you, who chose to mock you instead of helping you"
Sam: "Huh, cool I guess"
Shit. Shit. Shit.
He gave the banana fear to Dean!!
"Uhm…" he said slowly and Dean turned to look at him
"Sam what did you do?" he growled, "DID YOU GIVE ME YOUR DAMN BANANA FEAR!"
Sam nodded and got out of the car…there was only one thing for this really.
"Oh no," Dean said, "I am not wearing the frickin' banana costume!" and he joined Sam at the rear of the car. Sam opened up the trunk, wincing inwardly when he saw that he'd left his bunch of bananas in there. Dean started to breathe really heavily and Sam could tell that it was a banana induced panic attack. He'd had his fair share of those back when he was scared of bananas. Ha. Back when he was scared of bananas. Past tense; the fear was in the past!
"Just give me the damn suit" Dean muttered angrily and Sam handed it over to him.
Two hours later
Sam was driving while Dean was in the backseat wishing he had his walkman on him. Not that the stupid costume would allow him to frickin' use it! Sam could see that Dean was getting restless so he turned on the radio
"Let me hear you say this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S, this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S"
And really Sam couldn't believe the irony and he laughed out loud. He wasn't sure if Dean could hear or not so he turned slightly and said,
"Hey Dean, you hear that?" But Dean didn't answer. So he went for their usual Bitch/Jerk banter
"You know what song should be on right now? Shut the fuck up and drive!" Dean exploded as he wriggled about in the banana suit, he'd forgotten about the itching powder he'd sprinkled inside the costume. Damn.
"I thought you didn't listen to that kind of music…" Sam said as he went into annoying little brother mode and Dean groaned,
"I hate you"
"You are better than the bananas, remember that, it helps" Sam said with a grin as he tossed a banana into the backseat. Dean just smirked to himself secretly as he remembers the itching powder he'd put in Sam's pants a while ago…technically it should have started to kick in by now….
"I think I'm allergic to bananas" Sam announced as he scratched absently at his leg and Dean bit his lip to stop himself from giving the game away.
I am insane.
But like if Sam was a fruit, he would so be a banana. And he'd be a carrot if he was a vegetable. Just so you know.