Author's Note: This is my favourite, my baby ^^ No, but I really like this one, this is why it has its own chapter. This, and because I don't know if it should be listed to the previous day, as most of it takes place in the evening and night, or to the day it is actually written on ^^ By the way, I wrote this aaall the way back when I had only recently written Day #1 xD Well, anyway, here we go.
Night Revelations (written on Day #4)
I guess I just had the weirdest night ever.
I would have written it down before, but.. that's a long story. And as I'll now write what happened we'll come to that anyway.
Well, after yesterday's entry, nothing much happened until night.
Still high on sugar, neither Daisuke nor I had any intentions to lie down and sleep anytime soon, so we had the idea to play something. When I asked what, he suggested 'spin the bottle'.
When I became quite flustered he laughingly made clear it had only been a joke. "You know," he said "spin the bottle when it's just the two of us is kind of... predictable."
I calmed down, but still could not help but wonder why he had only said 'predictable' and nothing more like... I don't know. Now he was right anyway, so I did not ask.
Then he asked if we could play 'Quid pro Quo'. I had no idea what that was all about and he asked "Have you never seen 'The Silence of the Lambs'?"
"I do not watch TV very often..."
"It's really cool, you know, there's this psycho that murders women and makes clothes of their skin and stuff, and the only way for the police to catch 'em is to cooperate with this other psycho, Hanibal the Canibal, who's a cool guy, all educated and stuff, and he tells this woman how a psychopathic brain works, but then in the end -"
"What's this got to do with that game?"
"Uh, yeah, right. Well, this Hanibal guy will only tell the woman anything if they make it 'quid pro quo'. It's very easy, actually it's only about asking questions and answering ones."
"What are the rules..?"
"I ask you a question you answer truthfully. Thereafter, you may ask me something and it's my turn to answer. That's it. Like a light version of 'Truth or Dare' or something."
"I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun."
I agreed, and it was quite fun indeed, at least at first. He asked me about my favourite colours and foods and stuff like this, and I got to know that his most embarrassing experience was when he was five and his sister had taped him singing in his room and then posted the video on the internet. It was fun.
But then he began asking questions about Sam and my time as the Digimon Emperor, and with each question I grew more and more uncomfortable. I finally snapped when the most dreaded one was posed...
"What is your biggest regret?"
I paged through all the terrifying things I've done in my life and stopped at how my brother's death was my responsibility, in more ways than anyone knew.
"I.. I'd rather not answer that..."
"I just don't want to, okay?"
"Come on, Ken. It's quid pro quo, you can't just back down."
"No, Daisuke, I would really prefer if we stopped now."
"But Ken -"
"Daisuke, I said NO!"
He flinched, but I kept yelling at him, wakening our Digimon too.
"What the hell is wrong with you anyway! Why did you make me play that stupid game?"
Daisuke had recovered from the shock and was now angry himself.
"I didn't make you, okay? You agreed to it yourself!"
Before I could even reply, he said the things I will never forget.
"At least I'm trying to reach you! I don't know if you've noticed, but it's always me trying to deepen our friendship! You don't do anything! Gods, Ken, is it really my fault that I try to get to know my best friend? If you don't trust me or if you don't want to be my friend, then say it, I can handle it, but don't blame me for at least trying once in a while, Ken..!"
I was absolutely speechless, unable to do anything but to stutter
He had calmed down, but seemed almost.. depressed. I think he was afraid that what he had said could be true. That I didn't want to be his friend...
"I guess I want to sleep now..." he said.
He laid down with his back turned on me.
I stared at him for a while until I finally decided that I needed fresh air.
I fled out of the tent.
Only a little away from there Minomon came after me, but I told him to go back and that I needed some time alone to think. It's nothing new to him, so he obeyed.
And then I thought. I went a bit along the edges of the nearby forests and thought. For almost two hours.
Unfortunately I had left the journal and my pen in the tent, and I sure as hell was not going to go back there until I was ready, and here is the answer as to why I haven't written earlier.
Although it's a pity, for there were many thoughts I would have liked to remember, but well.. The most important things I'll remember always anyway...
It was mostly about how Daisuke was right. In many ways.
I had never thought of my caginess as something that could actually hurt other people. But as I reflected on it, I saw that of course it must be tough for the people around me to constantly try to get through to me and to receive nothing but what they take for pure coldness.
I'm not cold. And I'm not indifferent. I really do trust Daisuke, it's just.. hard.
When I freaked out, I was mad at him for not knowing what a sensitive issue my brother is to me. But then again, how could he if I never told him?
He could not even know that my brother was the issue, as he had only asked for my biggest regret.
My biggest regret... Of course I have told him that I feel guilty because I had wanted Sam to disappear in a moment of anger, but that is only the same story I told my parents and Wormmon. Nothing but a halftruth... And none of them know that there is more behind it...
I was with Sam the day he died. I don't remember where we were going, I cannot even recall the reason we started quarrelling, only thing I know is that it had been a wonderful day and suddenly I was mad at him.
He wasn't mad at me. He only tried to calm me down, but I wouldn't listen. Last thing I remember yelling at him was "Everything would be better if you just disappeared!".
With that, I ran away from him. Behind me he shouted "Kenny, wait!" but I just wouldn't stop. I kept running.
"Watch out, Kenny!"
That was the last time I ever heard Sam's voice...
I had not even realised how I had run onto the road until I saw that big truck dashing towards me. Suddenly I just could not move anymore.
Sam ran into me and pushed me away to the safe sidewalk. But sacrificed himself...
Sam loved me. He died for me. And it is my fault.
If only I had understood sooner, if only I had realised that he didn't slap me because he hated me, but because he actually cared, or that he didn't have little time for me because he didn't love me, but because he was just too busy fulfilling the expectations our parents kept towards their 'child prodigy', he wouldn't have had to die!
At least not this way. At least not believing that the little brother he cared for and loved so much that he'd victimise himself to save him wanted him to vanish.
He truly loved me. And now, I can't even tell him I'm sorry for being such an ignorant jerk. It's too late to tell him how much I loved and needed him. It's too late to tell him I'm sorry..
But this thought brought me back to a person it was not too late to apologise to. Someone I need and love just as much. And someone whose friendship I never want to lose...
I made this decision yesterday. I won't lose Daisuke, not at any rate. And if I have to be more open about myself to keep him, then that is what it takes.
With that in mind I made my way back to the camp. When I entered the tent, Daisuke was asleep, lying on his back. I kneeled down beside him and shook him gently.
"Hm, what is it, Ken..?"
Hearing his voice made me cry again. I guess I had done that quite some times while thinking about everything. I laid my head on his chest and gripped at his shirt with both hands. I could tell he was surprised, but he awoke completely, popped up on his elbows and even turned on the light when he realised I was crying.
"Woah, Ken, I didn't mean to make you cry..! I wasn't that mad, really, I'm sorry..!"
I held on to him, still pressing my face against his chest.
"No, you were right. I'm sorry..."
He then sat up and hugged me, comforted me. It was nice. It was actually very nice to let another human being so close to me. In fact, it was so nice that I almost forgot why I had come, other than to apologise.
"My brother..." I said, while sitting up straight beside him and looking at him.
"My biggest regret.. It was my fault that Sam died..."
"But Ken, I thought we had gone through that already..."
"No, just hear me out..."
And then I told him. What I've never told anyone before, what I only rarely dare to even think about. The whole story.
He afterwards tried to convince me that it was not my fault, but he could say nothing that the rational part of me hasn't already told me quite a few times...
He was grateful though. He actually thanked me for telling him.
I guess we fell asleep short time after that.
This morning we awoke all cuddled up together. It was quite unfamiliar, but not all that bad.
And this is how this new and fresh day started. Like they say, another day, another chance. Although my life is rather like, another error, another chance... as it somehow seems to be my mistakes that eventually change it for the better.
Author's Note: And now we play the waiting game again xD I seriously hope it will not take quite as long this time though ^^"