This idea was given to me by Rae Girl. Thanks!!! Sorry I tweaked the story just a little, but I really wanted to use that title :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sort of. Give me ten years, tops.
Sam and Freddie felt like idiots.
It was bad enough that Freddie couldn't move his left arm and that walking sent jolts of pain through his whole leg. It was bad enough that Sam--well, she wasn't actually hurt. But Carly hadn't left her with any food, which was worse than a few wounded limbs. And also, she hated the school counselors, though she spent more time with them than she did with her own mother.
Carly had set them up for this. Actually, they'd gotten into the fight themselves, but their brunette friend was the one who'd called the dean, principal, vice principal, and janitor when things started to get uglier. Even these four men could not pull Sam off of Freddie without the help of a foghorn and the enticing scent of two-day-old ham.
Which had led Sam, still dragging the poor tech wizard, straight into Counselor Reed's office.
"And how are you doing today, Samantha?"
"Fine," Sam muttered darkly, her thoughts still bitterly engaged in rehearsing what she would say to Carly after she got out of here. She hated being called Samantha. And she was pretty sure the counselor knew that.
"And...Fredward Benson, am I right?"
"Yeah." Freddie's neck cracked as he nodded, and he winced. Thankfully Sam had been stopped before she completely severed his head.
"Alright. Now, I've gotten complaints from people before--mainly a certain Carly Shay--that you two are incapable of--Samantha! Hands off my food!--leaving each other alone. Today we're going to try and resolve whatever issues you may have with each other. If need be, we will continue these sessions until you have a full understanding of each other."
"Understanding? Why would I want to understand this nub?"
"Mrs. Reed, you probably already know, but I'm just gonna throw this out here: she's a psychopath, there's nothing to understand about her."
Sam punched him.
"Samantha Puckett, sit on your hands. Sit! Good girl. Don't you try to kick him, either. And Fredward, perhaps provoking her is not the smartest idea. How about we start on some common ground; you two dislike each other, correct?"
"What gave it away?" asked Sam dryly.
Mrs. Reed tried very hard not to glare at the blonde. She really was not trained to deal with kids like Sam. "Very well. Fredward, I want you to tell me--and Samantha, I do not want you to interrupt--exactly what it is that she could do better."
Freddie glanced warily at her and scooted his chair away from her, right in front of the door, to avoid another beating if she didn't like his answers. "There are too many things..."
"Then pick a few of them. The most important ones."
"Well...she needs to stop beating me up. I've never done anything to her. And she can't keep insulting me. And she grooms herself in public--"
"Who says 'grooms'?"
"Samantha, no interruptions!"
"Call me Mrs. Reed!"
"--And she humiliates me in front of thousands of people. And she eats everything--even stuff she's not supposed to, like my flash drives. And she makes fun of my mother like hers isn't just as crazy. And--" Freddie was on a roll, but he stopped. Suddenly, he couldn't think of anything more. "--And...she's confusing. She's supposed to be my friend, and sometimes she does act like it, but most of the time she's this huge jerk and I don't get why she hates me." He leaned against the door and refused to look at Sam. "That's it."
"Good. Now Samantha, do you think you can fix those?"
"There's nothing to fix. I didn't eat his flash drives, I just chewed them up a little so he couldn't use them. And for the record, Dorkward, I make fun of my mom, too," she shot at him.
"No name calling. Now it's your turn. What could Freddie do to help you accept him more?"
"He could die," came the prompt suggestion.
"Samantha! Watch what comes out of your mouth, that is a terrible thing to say! Now, I want some real answers, or I will be forced to bring Mr. Howard in again and feed him garlic bread before he lectures you."
Sam still remembered the stench. "Fine. He's a dork, he's a nub, he's a--"
"Those aren't reasons, those are insults!" growled Freddie.
"Didn't know there was a difference."
"That's because retaining information requires an IQ above ten."
"Do you really want to fight me again? Because I can do that. I enjoy causing you pain."
"You evil little maso--"
"Stop the fighting!" screamed Mrs. Reed, before smoothing her hair and calming herself. "Sam, I am giving you two minutes. After that, if you haven't had anything substantial to offer, you can march down to Mr. Howard's room."
Sam sighed loudly. "This is so stupid."
"Well, if you didn't pick on me all the time, we wouldn't be here!"
"Yeah, well maybe if you--" She was falling right into his trap. He was just trying to get her to admit what she hated so they could get out of here, which, now that she thought about it, was a pretty good idea. "Look. He's got a neurotic mother, he cleans his ears every hour, his computer is his life, he's still afraid of spiders, he lets people walk all over him, and he--he's just an idiot. For someone so smart, he's got no idea. About anything. How am I not supposed to pick on him?" She leaned over and poked him in the chest. "And he needs to realize that a girl like Carly'll never, ever love him, because he's too much of a nubbish, dorky, nerdy, geeky creeper."
Freddie glared at her, but Mrs. Reed sensed a breakthrough. "Samantha...are you jealous?"
The tech producer cracked up. "Sam? Jealous of what? Me liking Carly? I've liked her since before...I even met Sam..."
The counselor sat on the edge of her seat. If she could fix this, she'd never have to deal with Sam again. The little delinquent would become a perfect angel with her perfect goody-goody boyfriend and never again would Mrs. Reed wake up in the middle of the night screaming in terror.
"If you even consider that..." Sam hissed. "...I will rip out your throat and feed it to Spencer's ostrich."
"Wait...did you just admit that you like me?"
"You must be suicidal!" She wanted to hit him. Hard. And yet, Sam couldn't move. She felt like Mrs. Reed had just happily thrown the weight of the world on top of her.
"I knew it! I told you I knew it, too! She's always been ripping on me. And she never had a reason to!"
He was so excited about finding this out. Sam didn't know what to do. Any minute now he'd start laughing at her, he'd tell the whole school, and she'd never live this down.
"Well, Fredward? Do you think you could tame this mutant shrew of a girl?"
"Tame? Yeah right!"
There it was. She could already hear millions of people sniggering behind her back, and he was the loudest.
"You don't tame Sam unless you want to end up at the bottom of the ocean." There went Mrs. Reed's dreams. She pressed the 'Calling Mr. Howard' button next to her computer.
"Shut up, Freddork."
"Don't even start, Puckett, you've got nothing on me now."
"Look what you did!" Sam yelled at Mrs. Reed, finally standing up and pounding on the counselor's desk with her fist. She should've been hitting Freddie, but she couldn't. He was right, she really couldn't do anything now. "You idiotic old lady! You've ruined my life! Who else am I going to beat up now?" Sam's eyes were blazing. Even with his newfound confidence, Freddie didn't dare stand in her way. "Move. I'm getting out of this joint."
"Samantha, you can't leave!"
"But we made so much progress--"
"Progress?" Sam's hand ached to slap the counselor across the face. "I'm going to make your life living hell from now on. If you call that progress, then sure."
The poor lady was scared to death.
"Shut it, Benson!"
"Listen to me!" He stood up, but Sam pushed him back into the chair. She needed time to think, far away from these two.
"Get away from me. Both of you!"
"Can you just--"
The door burst open, hitting Freddie in the back and sending him barrelling into Sam. Mr. Howard entered, huffing from the effort of power-walking down the hallway. "Did you need me to detain Miss Puckett again, Cassidy?" The counselor breathed a sigh of relief and nodded, so the teacher turned to reprimand both students.
Only, they were a little busy making out.
"PDA! PDA! STOP THE PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION!" Mr. Howard hollered, horrified.
"Affection? But my notes say--you know what, I give up!" screamed Mrs. Reed. "I quit! I quit this school, I'm sick of dealing with these maniacs! They're digusting, they're inappropriate, they're rude and Samantha Puckett is just scary!"
She was gone in less than a second, leaving Mr. Howard to pull apart the teens.
"Get off of her--get off! I'll have you exiled! To China! CHINA, YOU HEAR ME?!"
He tugged Freddie by the shoulders, and there was a loud sucking sound as the boy's lips were forcefully disconnected from hers. They were both panting and surprised, but Mr. Howard quickly killed any awkwardness that might have developed.
"Wait here! I am getting the detention slips--and if you even think about touching each other, I wasn't kidding about China!"
Sam wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "Yeah, yeah."
Freddie scratched the back of his head after the teacher was gone. "Um..."
"Why'd you do that, you nub?" Sam asked with distaste. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"
He rolled his eyes. "You could've asked me that before you stuck your tongue in my mouth."
Her eyes narrowed. "Dork!" She shoved him away.
"You can't do that when you like my best friend!"
"I'm pretty sure your best friend'll be fine with it."
"Well, maybe I'm not, ever think of that? Of course you didn't, you're an idiot!"
Freddie shoved her back. "Well, why wouldn't you be?"
Sam hit him in the shoulder. "Do you know how much it sucks to crush on someone who's crushing on someone else?"
"Are you seriously asking me that question?"
"Well, then you know how it feels!"
"Yeah, but you don't!"
"Are you deaf? Did I not just say that I--"
"Liked someone who'd much rather like you back then some random pretty face? Yeah."
He pushed her against the wall and kissed her again, but Sam recoiled. "Carly isn't just another pretty face."
"Of course she's not. But she's not you either."
"No dip." She checked out in the hall to make sure Mr. Howard wasn't back. "You know, Cassidy didn't do much to solve our problems..."
"She did okay."
"She just made us talk about how much we hated each other."
Freddie shrugged. "I really don't hate you."
"...I guess I don't either."
"I think," he continued with a coy smile, "that you're not all vicious, just more alive than most people."
"You're still kind of nerdy."
He chuckled. "And you don't mean to be disgusting...that's your idea of humor, isn't it?"
"Your mother is crazy and there's no way you'll get me to say anything else."
"And you aren't confusing anymore--you were just jealous." Freddie grinned. "I think you're the only person who's jealousy hurts others more than yourself."
"Yeah, well...you--uh..." Why did she suddenly feel obligated to say something that wasn't mean? "You're...a nice guy."
Freddie hugged her. "Thanks."
"THAT'S IT! GET YOUR PASSPORTS, BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE NEVER GOING TO SCHOOL IN AMERICA EVER, EVER AGAIN!" screamed Mr. Howard.