Chapter author: Reijilie

A/N: So this story was inspired by the lovely Lauren Jane. I know it's not exactly what you pictured but the EBs and I took the idea and ran with it to a dirty crackhouse down the road. Spill stood on a used syringe but we took her to the hospital and whatever she got from it she already had so it all ended happily.

Oh, there will be a new Twiguy in each chap as well as a different author. Enjoy the smutty/crackness that we like to call a 'smackfic'. Mwahahahhaha ;D

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Bella found herself squashed against the wall in Jakes child sized bed. She tried to encourage his enormous and muscular frame to give her some space but when he didn't budge she gave in, resigning herself to stretch out and lay on top of the wet patch.

"So" she started "...That was sex."

"Yup." Jake replied, fairly satisfied with himself.

"Are you sure we did that right?"

"I'm sixteen Bella. I have no idea. I'm not used to two people being involved."

"I keep forgetting because you look so much older."

"Oh Bella, that's just so the cougars can justify the growing arthritis in their wrists as they wack off to pictures of my illegal body on Google images"

"Makes sense. So…Am I supposed to have this crippling pain in my neck from the jack hammering action you were using as you ploughed into me?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"And it really only lasts a minute and a half?"

"Totally. And I'm supposed to shoot a load when you take off your clothes too. That's so normal, you have no idea."

"Okay, cool. 'Cept, I don't think I had orggg" she stuttered awkwardly.

"Orgasm? Why the fuck can't you say orgasm?"

"Holy crow, I don't know! It just won't come out"

"You crazy bitch. We need a code word for it since you're incapable of saying filth and yet cool with letting me fuck your scrawny ass sideways."

"Well...there is a word, or a phrase rather, that makes me moist every time I hear it."

"And that is?"

Her rabbit's teeth bit playfully at her bottom lip as she closed her eyes and whispered the words slowly.

"Harry. Clearwater's. Famous. Fish. Fry"

She ran a hand through her matted, flat brown hair as her back arched upwards. Letting out a small moan, she wrapped her hand around the back of Jakes neck and pulled him into her.

"I want you to eat me until I've had some of Harry's famous fish fry."

Her hips writhed in anticipation as Jake recoiled in disgust.

"I'm not going down there, I just came in you and because this is a fanfiction I felt no need to wear a condom."

Bella moved onto her knees and began to straddle Jakes insanely amazing eight-pack of magical hotness.

"I want you to shoot some of Harry's special sauce in my mouth Jake. I want to taste the hot, salty goodness."

Jake leapt out of the bed, discarding Bella as easily as Summit discarded Rachelle LeFevre. He grabbed a pair of cut off sweats (because that's how he rolls) and whipped them on.

"I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about but you've made me go limp so nice work."

"But, but, you LOVE me. All this time when I was being a horrible cock teasing bitch, you wanted me! Now that I give it up you're done?"

"Look, I'll level with you. Straight up, I just wanted to get in Leah's pants but she said she doesn't do virgins. Well, now she'll finally do me and I'm gonna hit that hot ass so hard she'll be screaming out for this big daddy's fish fry."

Bella was outraged. Fury burned in her otherwise dead eyes.


"Whatever." Jake shrugged. "Good luck with that."

"I'm going to find someone who knows what foreplay is. Clit punching and all."

"You mean Clit pinching Bella."

"I know what I mean, and you're such a child Jacob. I don't know why I let you screw me in your single bed while your dad sat in the living room across from your open door and played some sort of hand game under the blanket draped across his lap."

By the time Bella tore her eyes off of Billy, Jake had jumped out of the window on his way to the Clearwater's house.

Time for the next victim She thought to herself as she made her way past a strangely exhausted Billy and into her hideous red truck.

Her next destination? Forks. And she knew just who would give it up for her...