Written for Maraudercat's "Conversations with a Hat" challenge at the HP Fanfiction Challenges Forum.
For Rita, with love, and apologies that Charlie doesn't get a look-in to say anything.
The Sorting of Weasleys
"Oh, interesting. Weasley? I would have had you down as a Prewett."
Um, my Mum was a Prewett.
"Oh, was she? That makes sense then. Mmm, now where to put you? Very bright – maybe Ravenclaw? But you've got the Gryffindor recklessness and courage too…"
"No? Whyever not? You're certainly clever enough."
I want to be in Gryffindor like Mum and Dad. And…
"And? Who else?"
My uncles. They died…
"Oho! More Prewetts I suppose? And I suppose they died doing something brave and reckless and typically Gryffindor, did they?"
It wasn't reckless. They had to fight. They were brave!
"Well, a healthy dose of hero-worship never did anyone any harm. Alright, then…"
"Aha, another Weasley that looks like a Prewett. But you're easier than your brother. Nothing Ravenclaw about you."
"Weasley? Really? Well, you're a different one, aren't you? Maybe Slytherin…"
"You'd fit right in there. You have the ambition and the cunning. Yes, I think…"
No, you can't put me in Slytherin, you just can't!
"Can't I? You'd be good there. Maybe even great."
No! I can't be in Slytherin! My parents would be disappointed, and Bill and Charlie would never talk to me again, and the twins would laugh. You can't! You just can't!
"Well, I'm not putting you in Hufflepuff, that's for sure. That's not family loyalty, that's more ambition and caring what people think about you. Alright, then, you're bright enough for Ravenclaw…"
"You're hard to satisfy. Where do you want to be then?"
Gryffindor. Like Bill and Charlie.
"I don't think you're the Gryffindor type. Ravenclaw would suit you better if you're dead set against Slytherin."
No! Please… I want, I need… I'm always the odd one out. I want to be in Gryffindor.
"Really? Well… Mm, I really don't know."
"Very well then, but be warned, you're picking a hard road for yourself. You're sure?"
Yes. I'm sure. Please…
"Well, there is some Gryffindor courage there, even if it's well buried."
Please. Oh please.
"Very well then. Your choice. But remember, when it matters – when it really matters – you're…"
"Another Weasley? Godric's bones, how many of you are there? Well… interesting… Brave enough for Gryffindor, and definitely reckless enough. Clever enough for Ravenclaw, though I'm not sure you're always going to put those brains to the best use. And cunning enough for Slytherin, with a streak of cruelty too. Where to put you, where to put you?"
Weasleys always go in Gryffindor. Bill said so.
"Your brother, is that? He's not deciding, though, is he? Not Ravenclaw, I think. You have brains, but you're not the Ravenclaw type. So Slytherin or Gryffindor? Which?"
Gryffindor. I'm not a snake. Nor's George.
"George? I don't remember a George."
My twin. He's next. We have to be together.
"Oh, you do, do you? Does he think like that too? Very well, I think the recklessness wins out over the cunning, anyway. Though you have plenty of both. Real courage too, I can see. Very well then…"
"Didn't I just do you?"
No, that was my brother.
"Ah, yes, I see now. There are differences. You have less Slytherin in you than he does, maybe more Ravenclaw."
It doesn't matter what you think or say. Whatever you say I'm going to Gryffindor with Fred.
"Oh, are you now? Now, with loyalty like that I should put you in Hufflepuff."
I'm going to Gryffindor.
"No point in me arguing then."
I'm going to Gryffindor.
"So you said. I'd've put you there anyway. Easiest Weasley in a while if you'd stopped arguing and just given me the chance to say so."
"Another Weasley? You must be the last one."
Um, no there's one more after me.
"Is there indeed? Well, you have a lot to live up to, young man, but I can see you know that already."
You're going to put me in Hufflepuff, aren't you?
"Hufflepuff? No, why would I do that? You have a lot to live up to, but you're perfectly capable of doing it. No doubt about it, you're…"
"Weasley? A girl Weasley?"
I'm the first one in two hundred years.
"I thought it had been a while. Well, you're like your seven times great aunt Hepzibah. I remember her well. Brave girl. Shame about what happened to her. Too reckless for her own good. Remember that, young lady."
What? Who? What happened to her?
"No time for that now. You'll be wanting your dinner. Look her up in the library some time. But not before bed. It'll give you nightmares."
A/N The twins' Sorting fits in with my story "Storms and Rainbows" if you're interested in taking a look.
On names - Bill, Ron and Ginny's full names are canon.
I think Charlie's is pretty obvious too: Muggle kids might be called "Charlie" as a given name now, much less likely in the conservative wizarding community in the early seventies.
I think Percy is just Percy though, not Percival. At Harry's trial in OotP, all the participants' full names are given, and Percy's is given as "Percy Ignatius Weasley", not Percival. QED.
I can never quite decide about Fred. On one hand, I agree with those who think it's wrong for him to have a longer given name, and George not to. But with the logic I used for Charlie above, he ought to be Frederick. And I've called him Frederick once or twice in other fics, and I like to be consistent, so... (I'm happy if you want to disagree with me on this!)