Chapter 1: In which L has sexual relations with an OC and a strawberry.
L was staring at a computer screen for reasons that the author was not creative enough to invent. He was thinking about how bad Kira was (because obviously the question just hadn't crossed his mind until then.) The raven-haired man (because you aren't allowed to just say 'black') was eating a strawberry (because he never seems to eat anything else, possibly caused by more uncreative authors) and thinking.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
"Come in," said L (because the detective was apparently in the habit of chatting with anyone bumming about on the streets of Tokyo).
Then she walked in. She was the most stunning creature L had ever laid eyes on. She had long hair of many undefined colors. Her wide eyes were a deep, rich shade of more undefined color. She was dressed in an outfit most would define as 'skanky' but L seemed incapable of not describing in painful detail. In fact, she appeared to be wearing so many clothes at the same time it was a wonder that her perfectly toned voluptuous frame could hold it up.
L could tell that she was extremely intelligent (because most people can judge intelligence based off of the size of your boobs).
"Hello," she said with a dazzling smile. "My name is Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji. I would like to join the task force even though I'm just an American teenager (because my name is so clearly American) with no skills and even less experience."
L looked into her sea green (or was that golden? or possibly magenta?) eyes and felt the inexplicable urge to tell her all his personal information right then and there.
"I am L, the one who is leading the investigation. My current suspect is a man named Light Yagami. I am an orphan. I speak over 10 languages. I'm a Scorpio. My favorite color is blue. When I was a boy…" But before L could finish recounting his life story to the mysterious girl that he barely knew he regained a small bit of sanity.
"Before you join the task force even though you have absolutely no reason to and will probably be more of a hindrance than a help, I must ask… are you Kira?" (Because this was the most deeply probing question L knew and of course no one would lie about it)
"Of course I'm not Kira! I am bizarrely enraged by the fact that you are even suspicious although you have every right to be! How dare you insult me like this!" Yumi Toyota Nintendo- oh screw it- said angrily.
"I'm sorry. I know that I should always endanger my life just to make sure I don't hurt strangers' feelings. I'm just so socially inept it's hard for me. You see, I never had a mother…" But before L could launch into his tragic past rant he regained his sanity for another precious moment.
"So Yumi, why do you want to catch Kira?" L asked, his charcoal/onyx/velvety black/ocean blue/turquoise/puce/???? eyes looking intensely into hers. Or maybe just at her cleavage.
"I want to catch Kira because he killed my father who was one of the FBI agents."
"So you're out for revenge?"
"No actually I'm your long lost childhood friend and I want to make sure that you stay safe on this case."
"Strange. I can't seem to remember meeting you. Perhaps this is a side affect of the fact that I appear to go brain dead when you're around."
"You don't remember me because I was just the girl in the café all those years ago who kindly gave you a strawberry when you where hungry."
"Wait, so then if you just gave me a strawberry, why do you want to catch Kira again?"
"Because I'm your prime suspects twin sister and guess what, he's Kira! I didn't tell you until now because I don't actually care if people are dying for some reason. I also don't care if you kill my brother for some reason so that's why I'm turning him in."
"Wait, this doesn't make any sense!"
"I'm just kidding. I'm only your insurance agent."
L smiled admiringly at this crazy yet beautiful girl (because this phrase must be used at least once to describe true love).
"Well since I am immediately convinced that you are not Kira, welcome to the task force!" L said with a strangely adorable smile (because this phrase must also be used at least once to describe true love). "Why don't you impress us with your rather dim version of genius for a while and the rest of us can make cute humorless jokes about sweets?"
"Awesome! Even though my existence basically solves the case we should just let people die for a bit longer while we frolic!" The crazy-yet-beautiful girl chirped and playfully stole L's strawberry.
A few candy-fetish sex romps and cringe inducing bonding scenes later L and his lovely love interest were relaxing at task force headquarters.
"Would you care for a strawberry, sweetie?" Asked L, eating one himself (because the author thinks strawberries are the most adorable thing to eat, never mind that L is most likely on the brink of death from malnourishment at this point).
"I would love a strawberry but right now I need to go have a pointless scene with Misa." Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji said before skipping out of the room, laughing her infectious and wild laugh. She was always ready for adventure and fun wasn't she?
"Be careful love, use an alias because she may be the second Kira and I couldn't live without you!" L called after her with compassion and concern in his eyes (because thanks to true love he was no longer an ethically challenged and emotionally dead lunatic).
Luckily for Yumi, Misa Amane became best friends with anyone who played dress-up with her.
"Hi Misa, I know that you're a crazy Kira-supporting clingy girlfriend but I think we should be friends. My name is Aioeula Flowermoon."
"Wow," said Misa perkily (because anyone who doesn't hate Misa will inevitably describe her as perky). "That name was so full of vowels I believe it."
After a few hours of describing Yumi/Aioeula's makeover in excruciating detail all the problems appeared to be solved again.
"You're going to look so cute for L! I hope you have fun on your date tonight! Don't worry about the Kira case, we can put that on hold for love." Misa said perkily. She was wearing a perky gothic dress and her perky golden hair was put into perky pigtails. She looked perky.
As Yumi –insert long name here- strolled down the undescribed Tokyo street to the place where she was going to meet L, she realized that the story had inevitably shifted to mostly her perspective.
L met her for dinner and they ate (you guessed it) strawberries. L looked strangely adorable. Suddenly everyone realized how boring this was becoming.
"Since you are my true love I have decided to tell you my real name, it's L Lawliet." L whispered romantically (because he looks like such a romantic guy).
"That is a beautiful name. I think I will call you that in public from now on because it makes me seem closer to you. Giving away your identity is no problem for me." Yumi said then kissed L deeply, passionately, sweetly (because we just had to make that joke). Suddenly they realized that the world might end, they were out of strawberries!
It was such an amazingly exciting plot twist that L had an uncharacteristic breakdown before trotting off to fetch more.
Unfortunately for the young lovers a very evil man who for some reason had been left out of the story until this point was out to get them. Yes, Light Yagami had decided for some reason that ruining L's love life through sheer evilness was far more important than purging the world of crime.
The vile slime that was Light Yagami snuck up behind Yumi as she awaited her lover's return with the strawberries and for a no reason whatsoever decided to kidnap her. Giving away his identity. Sinking to the level of what he despised. For no adequately explored reason.
Explanations aside, Light took Yumi to his dark underground lair where he proceeded to torture/rape/verbally abuse/ force her to play Go Fish with him. He twisted his metaphorical evil mustache and readers might wonder why he did not call Misa to assist him but they would soon be informed that her friendship with Yumi had left her completely absolved of sin.
Light tried for hours to get Yumi to tell him L's real name (because he certainly couldn't just kidnap L at this stage and kill him the old fashioned way). Motives have become a bit foggy but everyone understands why L comes barging in to save the day. It is because of true love. True love is sort of like GPS these days.
Light laughed evilly.
"Don't come near L, I will write her name down if you even try to stop me." The dramatic tension is rising remarkably. The writer is unaware that no one has been reading this since the 5 chapters ago where all they did was say cutesy things and eat strawberries.
Suddenly Yumi gave her beautiful cherry sweet (because that didn't make us want to vomit) smile and L knew that everything was going to be alright (that did).
"You can't kill me because I didn't tell you my real name!"
"What? No! Aioeula Flowermoon was such a realistic name!" Light screamed in horror, his evil face twisted with evil.
""You're so clever," said L admiringly to Yumi.
"Also you can't defeat me Light." Yumi said and her eyes began to glow. "I have the eyes of a shinigami so we have proof that you're Kira. I also have a special Death Note that can bring people back from the dead so even if you kill us it will do no good. I can also fly and shoot laser beams out of my tush. Oh, and I'm the chosen one."
"Honey, this may seem strange to ask but why didn't you tell me before? We could have solved all of the barely existing problems." L said in a now rare moment of thought.
"Shut up darling or I'll fart sparks at you when we have sex."
So Light the wicked vermin was sent to rot in jail, everyone miraculously decided not to arrest Misa, and L and Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji had hundreds of fat babies with ridiculous names.
And then all the ones who weren't despicable cowards that killed the author's favorite character in canon lived happily ever after.
Until L died tragically from a strawberry overdose the following year and Yumi had lost all her magic powers during childbirth.
Author's Note: Hey internet! Did you lol? Did you get hopelessly offended? Leave me a comment! Flames welcome!