Thank the lord she had fallen asleep, thought Beyond Birthday as he squirmed uncomfortably in his airplane seat. Although why she had felt the need to entwine herself around him before passing out was a mystery.
B shuddered and tried to unwrap her arm from his waist. Yumi gave a grunt and began to drool.
At least he was on his way to Wammy's House. He prayed that maybe someone there would be able to break the awful spell that was on him. This was his most desperate hour he hypothesized.
When Yumi was asleep a funny thing happened to BB. It was almost like time sped up, or maybe his brain just shut down. Somehow the world just couldn't go on long without Yumi at the controls.
B preferred to have her asleep so at least some of his desires were his own, even if he was incapable of acting on them. He had even developed a method for keeping her asleep as long as possible. If B had an internal monologue about her while she slept time seemed to move at a more normal rate, which was comforting.
Flying was generally unpleasant to B, being surrounded by people in general made his fingers itch and his neck get stiff. B cracked his neck irritable and tried again to shift Yumi off of him.
He remember how fine it had felt all those years ago when he had slaughtered all the Sues in Wammy's House. Surely they owed him for that. He had thought they were gone for good but apparently not.
What was the particularly satisfactory kill? Cin, that was what she had called herself. At least he wouldn't have to deal with her again.
Yumi stirred in his lap and woke up, B felt his will power slowly ebb away and his concentration shift only to her.
"So we're getting off the plane now." She said in a soft melodious voice. B's mind was spinning.
"Yeah… I mean, no. We won't get there for hours!" B exclaimed jerking himself back into reality.
"Actually I think we're there now." Yumi said and her tone was harsher. B tried to correct her but to his amazement at that moment the pilot announced that they would be landing in Heathrow airport shortly. He should probably expect this by now.
"I'm so excited to see Wammy's House B! I hope it's just like the show!" Yumi was babbling. "But there's one thing…" She sounded slightly nervous and her undefined eyes flashed a little.
"What is it dear?" B replied flatly.
"You don't think L will be there? Will he?" Yumi bit her lip watched him carefully.
"No he doesn't visit often." B answered.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Light, trying to cover his embarrassment at the squeal of terror he had emitted a few seconds earlier.
The girl who had apparently just materialized behind them smiled angelically. She wasn't a particularly remarkable girl, looked like your average middle-schooler mostly. She had shoulder-length brown fuzz, an acne-ridden face, and wore a baggy t-shirt with the phrase 'Death Note' emblazoned on it.
"Let me guess, you've mysteriously fallen into our world. What's your name now?"
The girl folded her arms a raised an eyebrow.
"My name is Bai and I am not another Sue so you can quit staring me down like that." She rubbed her nose a little, which was running.
"Bai huh? What's that another fake Asian name?" Light continued giving her his most skeptical glare.
"It stands for Blatant Author Insert. I've come into the story to fix a few problems." The girl chirped and then blew her nose hard into a tissue.
Roger slowly seemed to rouse himself at the sound. Light watched as the old man carefully considered the girl before him.
"I don't think she's another sue Light. Just look at her. She doesn't look perfect and she doesn't seem out of place." Roger said slowly. Light acknowledged this with a deeply suspicious grunt.
"You see I started writing this and I thought it would be really awesome because I had these really cool OCs and I'm super good at writing romance and stuff. But about a week ago someone told me that all my OCs were Mary Sues so I thought I had better check. I put them all through a test on the Internet and sure enough I have a Sue problem!" Bai said very quickly.
"Obviously you have a problem here!" Light spluttered. "So what do we do now? How can you help us?"
"Well I'll just have to track down my OCs and modify them so they aren't Sues anymore!" Bai noted scornfully.
"Can't we just get rid of them?" Light pleaded. "I just don't see why they're necessary at all. What if they come back?"
"They won't." Declared Bai firmly. "I'm going to make sure that these turn into good characters."
Roger nodded to himself as she spoke, his calculating gaze surprisingly trusting.
"This girl is our only hope Light. She's the only one with power over them. We're helpless by ourselves." Roger said soothingly, putting a hand on Light's shoulder.
Light brushed the hand off irritably and grimaced.
"Fine." He snarled. "You two do what you want. I'm going to stay here and figure this out by myself."
And that was that.
Roger found that he quickly grew fond of the young Bai. Although she was less than fortunate in the looks department and had a generally awkward feel to her, Roger could sense that she really did want the best for them.
If her heart was in the right place then what was the problem?
"Cin is right here in the house so it won't be a problem finding her. Raven is in Japan with L and I have no idea about the other one you mentioned." Roger explained, leading Bai down the long hallways of Wammy's.
"Good. I'll call Raven here at once, some sort of plot device can be arranged." Bai mumbled.
Much of what Bai mumbled didn't really make a lot of sense to Roger but his assumption was that she regarded everything as a literary device. An odd quirk, although in his profession he was certainly used to that.
"So what are you going to do to them exactly?" Roger queried.
"Well I had originally intended Cin to be a tough and rebellious heroine but she seems to have gotten a little out of hand. I'll just make her less tough all the time to give her some vulnerability and character depth." Bai explained then pulled another crumpled tissue from her pocket.
"Er, right… but how will this stop her from being a Sue again?" Roger looked doubtful.
"Just trust me! Then when Raven get's here I'll stop her from whining so much. I originally wanted her a little more vulnerable and gentle but now she just seems wimpy. I'll make her more badass and we're good to go." Bai continued.
"So the opposite of Cin?" Roger raised his eyebrows and ran a hand through his sparse gray hair.
"Sort of. Then when we find Yumi I'm just going to have to make her more normal. I kept giving her new powers because I though they were cool but she needs to be a little more average." Bai concluded.
"It sounds sort of like you're just combining all your characters to make another one." Roger pointed out.
Bai gaped in awe.
"That's a great idea! Oh my gosh, you should be my editor, that is awesome!" Bai squealed and hugged Roger around the middle, nearly knocking him over.
Roger rolled his eyes: children.
Raven didn't want to go. She was getting along perfectly fine where she was. But the tug was strong and she knew she had to follow the pull of the plot.
Should she call Yumi and tell her? No, it wasn't important enough. The plan was perfect, this was nothing.
Besides Raven had never really liked Yumi. Yumi and her superior snobbish laugh. Who'd elected her leader? Raven could get along fine on her own.
Who needed Yumi anyways?
Yumi Toyota Nintendo Sushi-Fuji herself was in fact at that moment wondering the same things.
She had insisted that they take the train to Winchester, it was so much more romantic than a taxi. Now she was sitting next to B on the train, that sense of unease still growing in her stomach.
Yumi knew that she could not be seen by L. The whole plan could be ruined if she was recognized. There was almost no chance that he would be there now, unless of course Raven was incredibly stupid and had not called her.
Raven, she couldn't rely on Raven. Raven thought she was smarter, did she? She should know better than to disobey Yumi.
But of course Raven wouldn't come. Mello, Matt and Near were there and Raven would never risk exposing herself to them on a whim. She was brighter than that oaf Cin at least.
The thing that bothered Yumi the most was the very faint plot tug she felt. Perhaps it was for Cin. It certainly wasn't for her, she was there of her own free will, wasn't she?
"Yumi darling?" Beyond's soft voice came from her side. Yumi began to snap at him but quickly stopped herself.
"Yes B?" She purred. He was so sensitive and gentle, as all serial killers certainly were.
"You're hurting my hand a little dear." He said through clenched teeth. Yumi looked down to discover that she had apparently been digging her nails into his flesh.
"Sorry! I'm just so excited! I totally loved all the Wammy characters! They're way cooler than stupid Kira!" Yumi reassured.
Everything would be fine, she told herself. She'd just claim that she and Cin were old friends and no one would think twice about it.
Nothing could go wrong could it?
Cin was having so much fun.
Mello, Matt and Near were three times the fun of Beyond. Plus no one had even tried to murder her. Stupid B. Her neck itched all the time now.
"Let's listen to Evanescence now! Come here Near, I'll do your eyeliner! I sure love being inside my favorite anime!" Cin called.
They came running of course. Just how she wanted them. Finally Cin was in charge. The plan really was perfect.
Cin wondered who the new girl was that they had brought in a few days earlier. She had the nagging suspicion that she should call Yumi and tell her but why bother?
The girl wasn't even pretty, surely she couldn't be a threat. There was nothing to worry about. Cin was fine.
She was the prettiest wasn't she?
It was a pale cold morning in Winchester, England when it happened. A light frost lay on the trees and grass, shriveling the late flowers before their time.
Inside the orphanage a warm glow radiated from the study where Roger and Bai were drinking their tea and awaiting the arrival of Yumi and Raven.
Up at the top of the house, in a smaller colder room, sat Light Yagami. He looked haggard and strained in front his computer screen, rubbing his forehead and scraping at a pencil with his teeth.
Below came the screams and laughter of Cin's mad gang. They were running from room to room, playing a flirtatious game of tag.
A taxi pulled up in front of Wammy's House and a girl got out. Her long black hair whipped around her face in the bitter wind and her eyes looked hard. A man followed behind her, bent over with a mass of dark hair swirling around his head.
They closed the door and the path was empty again. The taxi pulled away. It began to snow.
Only a minute later two people came walking up a side road and turned into the front garden. The girl didn't seem to be wearing quite enough to keep herself warm but her icy eyes showed no sign of discomfort. She had a California tan and her long hair billowed around her. The man following her, however, was nearly identical to the first.
They walked into the house together. Wammy's House was quiet and still once more. But not for long…
"Hi!" Said the dark-haired girl to Roger. "I'm from another world, my name is Raven! I've come to see my friend Cin, I heard she was here. We were so close back at home and she was the only cool person there!"
"L?" Roger breathed, horrified at the blank obedient look in the great detectives eyes.
Cin came tearing down the hall and leapt into Raven's arms. Raven, of course, collapsed under her weight but both girls lay on the ground giggling.
"Raven?" Came a terrified voice from the end of the hallway. Mello and Matt were stricken and even Near was clinging in horror to Mello's hand.
"Oh shit! Yumi's going to kill me!" She howled, realizing her fatal mistake too late.
"You're damn right I am!" Came a terrible voice from behind them and there stood Yumi.
"Yumi?" L cowered behind Roger, the trance broken.
"Sorry ladies." Bai folded her arms. "The game's over."
Freedom was delicious, thought B. He wasn't sure he had ever really come to appreciate it, even after being in prison all those years. Yet now here he was, relishing every moment where his thoughts were his own.
Yumi, Raven and Cin were tied up in the kitchen while Bai worked out a plan to combine them into one improved character. Cin had been bawling for the last hour while Raven and Yumi tried to blame one another. B smiled.
The rest of Wammy's House had seemed somewhat surprised to see him. They had all stood around and looked uncomfortable for a minute but then had quickly decided that until this crisis was completely averted no one would bother B about being an escaped convict.
"Alright then guys, gather round." Bai announced after about half an hour of scribbling down notes in a battered notepad.
B's smile widened, revenge and Sue killing being his two favorite things in the world. Here they were together and his heart was just pounding.
L, Mello, Matt and Near still seemed a little dazed, rather fuzzy around the edges and definitely not in top metal condition. Beyond Birthday, being the unique individual that he was, seemed less affected.
"Now I think I've written a pretty good character that won't ruin anything okay? Let's begin." And Bai began to read her new character description. At first it seemed that nothing was happening.
Then all at once Yumi began to scream, followed shortly by Raven. They were running together somehow, like smeared ink. Yumi's flawless skin was bubbling and oozing. Raven's eyes looked like they were spilling down her face.
Even B shuddered at the sight.
Cin began to wail as her back slowly merged into Yumi and Raven's. All three pairs of eyes began to flash madly from color to color. An inhuman scream was pulsing though the room, rising higher and higher.
All at once it was over. A single girl lay sprawled on the floor, her face hidden by dark brown hair.
Nobody spoke. Near sneezed after a moment and the quiet seemed to break.
"Well then." Bai said a little shakily. "Looks like it worked."
The girl on the ground stirred a little then slowly rolled to her feet. B gagged.
She was the most divine, lovely, exquisite, gorgeous creature he had ever laid eyes on. Her full lips were pouted and curved into an angelic smile. He rich lustrous eyes were flecked with every color you could imagine and shifted like a kaleidoscope. Her long mahogany hair swirled in delicate waves, framing her face perfectly.
"I'm going to call her Yumi Raven Lucinda Toyota Siren Phoenix Dusk Jade Shadow Nintendo Cooper Hikari Brooklyn Athena Mickenzie Winter Sushi-Fuji… and maybe Mystik-fyre Topaz for good measure." Bai proclaimed.
"What have you done?" Wailed Beyond Birthday, truly frightened for the first time in his life.
Roger looked like he was going to faint and was clinging to the countertop like it might make the atrocious thing in front of him disappear.
"How could this…?" He whispered in a hoarse voice. "How could I…?"
The traumatized L, Mello, Matt and Near began to sob rather hysterically.
"What's wrong?" Bai asked in a blissfully ignorant tone. "Don't you like her?"
No one could bring themselves to answer.
"Oh I get it." Bai finally said, looking sly. "You don't identify with her. She's just too cool! Oh well, I can fix that too. I'm really great at writing you know."
"No!" B yelled quickly. "What ever you do, do not try to 'fix' things again!"
"Is that an insult?" Bai said darkly, blowing her nose hard in a surprisingly menacing way. "I don't like flamers. I want constructive criticism."
"Some things…" Roger mumbled weakly. "Can never be fixed."
"But I can do it!" Bai looked like she might cry. "I'll just make her more like me! Then she'll be more normal, I can do it!"
And before anyone could stop her Bai leapt at the mega-sue on the ground. There was a blinding flash and then a horrible laugh.
"At last! Such power!" Cried the Bai/Yumi/Raven/Cin. "Now I can finally complete my mission. The age of Mary-Sue shall finally begin! At long last original characters will take their rightful place above canon characters! At last!"
"Is anyone ready for my help yet?" Came an exasperated voice at the door.
Light was not by any means deaf and had roused himself immediately at the sound of commotion. Of course he didn't really want to see whatever was down behind that door but Light was a man usually driven by his sense of duty.
Although he cursed himself thoroughly for even bothering, Light had a charitable, if misguided, heart. He hurried down the rickety steps before bolting into the kitchen where the trouble seemed to be occurring.
The monster that towered over the helpless victims in the kitchen looked strangely familiar to Light and for a moment he stood dumbstruck with the rest of them. When no one showed any signs of helping, however, Light deemed it prudent to act as he saw fit.
"I suppose you're wishing that you listened to me Roger." Light said smoothly, unable to resist gloating a little. "If you had you might have found out how to kill a Sue with out that idiot girl."
"Light? You're going to save us?" Asked L, rubbing his eyes a little and looking confused.
"At this point I'm wondering if it's worth it." Light griped. "But still here it is: for those of us who actually do research there is a special weapon that can defeat any Sue. Even one of these epic proportions."
"What is it?" Roger breathed and the Bai/Yumi/Raven/Cin turned as well, eyeing Light with doubt.
"The canon cannon." Light whispered dramatically.
Roger gave a snort of laughter.
"What? The canon cannon, it's kind of funny." He snickered as Light gave him a glare.
"Only a canon character can use it. It banishes all original characters because here's the funny truth: they're all Sues. Even if they aren't perfect or even the love interest, they are inserted as plot aids or conflicts and that still makes a Sue." Light grinned up at the enormous Sue, cocky as usual.
"So where is the canon cannon?" Roger asked. Light blushed.
"Well, I was interrupted so actually… I don't really know."
Beyond Birthday gave himself a resounding smack to the forehead.
"It's not my fault! I didn't see you guys lining up to help!" Light defended himself but he was drowned out by the thundering laughter of the Sue.
"It seems a little useless now Light!" Shouted Roger over the din. Light grew pale.
"Then what do we do?" He asked with rising hysteria.
"I don't know! We're doomed!" Cried Roger back. The laughing Sue began to glow and a strange unnatural wind whipped around the room.
"Doomed! Doomed!" Echoed the distraught Wammy boys.
"But we have to do something!" Light was panicking now, his hair rippling madly across his face.
"You've had it all along Light." Called someone from the door.
There was a girl standing there in a low cut top and high-heeled boots.
"Linda?" Roger was incredulous.
"Yep! You've all had the canon cannon the whole time! Every canon character has it! It's in your hearts!" Linda called out passionately.
"Too much." B said and leaned against the wall, resigned. "Just over the top. No. I am not participating."
"Hurry, use the cannon!" Linda urged. "She's getting stronger by the minute, soon she'll be able to control you all!"
"How do we use it?" Roger was puzzled, tapping at his chest experimentally.
"You're a terrible writer!" Called Light and to everyone's amazement the Sue gave a scream as she was struck by a burst of flame. Encouraged, Roger tried it.
"You're character is terrible!" The Sue began to sink back towards the ground. B stepped foreword and grinned.
"This isn't so bad; you insult the English language!" The bright glow dimmed as the Sue sank lower. Mello called out.
"This is cliché!" The wind was dying down. Matt followed Mello's lead.
"This is boring!" The Sue kept screaming as she was bombarded by fire. Near stepped forward and bellowed,
"This is stupid!"
Light grinned and gave a final shout.
"Stop writing forever!"
The Sue exploded.
All that was left of Yumi, Raven, Cin and even Bai was an ugly stain in the carpet and a rotten smell.
Mello, Matt and Near ran screaming out of the room to go hide under some nearby beds for the next week. Roger promptly passed out and Linda sidled away, lighting a cigarette.
Light stood looking at the little stain on the ground, transfixed. It was L who spoke first.
"I suppose I should thank you Light." He said softly. Light shrugged. "And I suppose I should apologize too."
"Apologize? For what?" Light asked, raising his eyebrow a fraction.
"For suspecting you. I see now that you really aren't who I thought you were." L shrugged.
Beyond Birthday gave a nod and stretched out his hand to Light.
Light considered the hand for a long moment. Then quietly he began to laugh.
"Hell no! Not now, not ever. I wrote your name down the minute Raven told everyone because she thought it was cuter. You're actually going to die in about 10 seconds." Light grinned rather madly. L's jaw dropped.
"You too, Beyond Birthday. You're a dirty criminal. Now if you excuse me I have a new world to rule. Sues don't screw with Kira." And with that Light left, he had a plane to catch.
About an hour later Watari finally let himself into the house to find Roger passed out in the kitchen with a dead L and Beyond Birthday, the rest of the children hiding in their rooms, and a stain in his favorite rug. He didn't ask for an explanation.
"Take one damn week of vacation and everything falls apart. Now whose going to clean up this bloody mess?"
Author's Note: I love a happy ending. Well, this was fun guys. Thanks for your support. BUT WAIT. Make sure to look for more from me. I have some really groovy ideas for other stories (naturally parody) just not in this style. Always remember: Sues don't screw with Kira.
Until we meet again my friends.