Transformers fic. Crack, crack, and yes, MORE CRACK. Yet another text message roleplay between Himeno24 and myself! Note that this was not written with plan or on purpose. It sort of just.....happened. This fic may also be found on deviantART under the pen name charlietheunicorn711.

Also let me note that in this one-shot: The main pairings are (m/m): Barricade/Bumblebee; and implied Sideswipe/Sunstreaker, implied Prowl/Jazz. (inspired by Black Dragon Queen's "Cover Me"). 5000 Cubes of Energon on a Wall and the setting of the Cybertronians being on a road trip also come from Black Dragon Queen's "Cover Me." Megatron's single line that seemingly comes out of nowhere is due to the fact that both he and Frenzy currently inhabit Frenzy's body. Again inspired by Black Dragon Queen's "Cover Me." The inspirations for the involvement of donuts belong to JinoSan, chingc, and GothicJellyBean on deviantART.

Now before you go and read, here are the credits of the ideas that found their way into the conversation: pics from JinoSan, chingc, and GothicJellyBean on deviantART inspired the donuts. Black Dragon Queen's "Cover Me" inspired this fic as a whole.


Jazz: *sings* 5000 cubes of energon on a wall! 5000 cubes! Take one down, pass it around, 4999 cubes of energon on a wall!!

Everyone: *humming along*

Soundwave: Please…please don't get them started. Not again.

Jazz: But I thought you liked music!!

Soundwave: I do. But THAT is not music.

Jazz: What are you talking about, man? This song is a classic!

Soundwave: It's a classic for drunken idiots.

Barricade: *stops humming* Hey! Are you calling me a drunken idiot?! *outraged*

Soundwave: *looks away with a smirk*

Bumblebee: In other words…yes! *grin*

Jazz: *snicker*

Barricade: *insulted gasp* Bee! I thought you were on my side!!

Bumblebee: I AM on your side. But that doesn't mean I can't tease you. Heh heh.

Jazz: He has a point, Runner!

Barricade: Grrr….slag you AND this roadtrip!

Bumblebee: I love you too, Cade.

Jazz: Aww, now isn't that sweet! *wink*

Soundwave: Primus…why must I be surrounded by idiots?

Jazz: Aww, I love you too Soundwave! *tries to glomp*

Soundwave: Get away from me! *dodges Jazz and retreats*

Jazz: Aww, Wave!! *pouts before looking at Cade and smirking evilly* Group hug!!

Barricade: Wha-? *balks when he sees Jazz rocketing towards him* NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *is tackled by Jazz*

Bumblebee: Yaaay!! *joins Jazz*

Sideswipe: What's going on?

Jazz: Group hug!!!

Sunstreaker: Sweet!! *glomps Cade, Sides following suit*

Barricade: GET OFF!!!!! *tries to shake his attackers off*

Bumblebee: *grope*

Barricade: *gasp* HEY!!!

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker/Jazz: What?

Barricade: Uh…n-nothing. Carry on.

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker/Jazz: Yay!! *glomp Cade again*

Barricade: SLAG!!! NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!! FRAG IT BEE!!!! *glares at his groper*

Bumblebee: *disentangles himself from the group and snickers*

Soundwave: *from behind them* You sure you're not a Con?

Frenzy: I s-saw that Bee.

Bumblebee: Saw what? I don't know what you're talking about.

Frenzy: Heh heh, y-y-you're lucky the others didn't s-see you.

Bumblebee: *in hushed voice* Well Cade and I ARE together. *wink*

Jazz: What're you two whispering about over there?

Barricade: *muffled as he is under a mech pile* HEEEELP MEEEEE!!!!!

Frenzy: Heh heh, c-cute. Y-you two are r-real cute. *wink*

Barricade: Great that you think so, now HELP ME!!! *reaches out from under mech pile*

Sunstreaker: Great that he thinks what??

Sideswipe: Yeah, what?

Bumblebee: *watches as Cade wrenches his head from the mech pile* What's in it for me if I help you? *wink*

Barricade: What's in it for you? I'm gonna cuff you and- *motions for Bee to come closer and whispers naughty things into his audio processors*

Bumblebee: Wowza!! *noseplate leak* All right, EVERYONE OFF HIM!!!

Everyone: Aww, come on Bee!!!

Bumblebee: OFF HIM!!! NOW!!!!! *death glare*

Everyone: *shiver*

Sideswipe: Whoa, what's with Bee?

Sunstreaker: You have energon leaking from your noseplates.

Jazz: What did you DO, Cade?

Barricade: *snickers as he brushes himself off* More like what I'm GOING to do.

Frenzy: M-more like what I'm g-gonna RECORD you do to s-s-sell to the others. Heh heh.

Barricade: Oh no! Absolutely NO-!

Frenzy: I-if you d-don't, I'll give all the B-bots pictures of you as a s-s-sparkling instead!

Bumblebee: Sparkling pictures of Cade?! Lemme see!!!!

Barricade: *gawk* How did-?! Where did-?!

Bumblebee: Lemme see, lemme see, lemme see!!!!

Barricade: You're not getting any if you set your optics on that picture, Bee!

Bumblebee: Aww, but Cade-! *teary optics*

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker/Jazz: WHAT DID YOU SAY, CADE?!?!?! *gape*

Barricade: Huh? *realizes his mistake* Oh, slag! I said…uh…I said he's not getting any…any…any donuts!! Yeah, he's not getting any donuts!!

Jazz: Donuts?? *frown* But…Epps and Prowl already bought him some donuts back at the last stop. They bought a ton. He can't be upset about not getting any donuts. *frown deepens*

Bumblebee: Yeah, I just had some this morning. *smirk*

Barricade: Oh, well…uh…I didn't know…I don't want any now anyway. I guess I'll get him donuts later then.

Bumblebee: In The-Middle-of-Nowhere, Alaska? *smirk*

Barricade: AIR MAIL!!! I'll use air mail!!!

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: Are you trying to hide something from us?

Jazz: Yeah…you're acting…weird.

Frenzy: *snicker*

Bumblebee: He is acting weird, isn't he? *evil smirk* Well, since Epps and Prowl have so generously supplied me with all the donuts that I need, then I guess I won't be needing you until AFTER we go home. Two weeks isn't too long of a wait to GIVE ME SOME, is it? *winks at Cade*

Sunstreaker: *to Sides* What in the Matrix is going on?

Sideswipe: *to Sunny* I don't know!

Barricade: TWO WEEKS?!?! ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?! *horrified*

Jazz: Why? What's so important about donuts that can't wait two weeks??

Bumblebee: I don't know, Jazz. I don't know. *smirk* I was going to share my…DONUTS with him tonight, but if he doesn't want any, that's fine with me. I'll live. *winks at Cade again*

Sunstreaker: *to Sides* Why does he keep winking at him?

Sideswipe: *to Sunny* I don't know!!!

Barricade: But I REALLY want my DONUTS!!!

Jazz: Why are you suddenly so obsessed with donuts??

Sunstreaker: Yeah!

Barricade: I'm a cop bot! I LOVE to have *glares at snickering Bee* my DONUTS!!!!!

Bumblebee: But you're the one who said you don't WANT ANY right now anyway. *winks once more*

Sunstreaker: *to Sides* Again with the winking!!!

Sideswipe: *to Sunny* It's driving me insane too!!! But it must mean that these donuts are really good!

Sunstreaker: *to Sides* Yeah!!

Jazz: Will you PLEASE explain what's going on?!?!

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: Can we have some donuts, Cade? They must be really good donuts if you're going crazy about them!! *grin*

Bumblebee: Yes, Cade. Do tell. Exactly how much to you love your…DONUTS? *hard stare*

Barricade: I…uh…*stunned silence; if he could sweat, he'd be sweating*

Bumblebee: *snicker*

Jazz: Well? Any explanation?

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: We want some of these donuts!!

Bumblebee: Hmm…what do you say, Cade? Should I share?

Barricade: *voice capacitator temporarily offline*

Bumblebee: I always did want to try sharing my…SECRET RECIPE that you seem to like so much. *wink*

Sunstreaker: He winked again!!

Sideswipe: Ooh, you know how to make donuts Bee? And they're Cade's favorite? Wow, you must be really good at making donuts! *claps Bee on the back*

Bumblebee: *to himself* Oh, if only you knew. *smirks at Cade*

Frenzy: *snicker*

Jazz: Wow, now I want some!!

Barricade: *onlines his voice capacitator* You may NOT have some!! It is MINE!!! I don't SHARE my donut!!!!

Jazz: Aww, come on Runner!! Just a tiny nibble??

Barricade: Have you forgotten?! I am a CON! Cons don't like to SHARE!!! *fuming*

Sunstreaker: Wait…IT? Why singular? Is there a specific donut you like?

Bumblebee: *smirk* Oh, you bet there is. It has yellow frosting. *grin*

Jazz: Yellow frosting? *contemplates* Yellow? Like you?

Bumblebee: *ignoring Cade's frantic signals to cut it* EXACTLY like me.

Jazz: *suddenly gets the hint* OHHHH!!!!!! I see!!!

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: What?! SEE WHAT?!?!

Jazz: Oh, nothing. *winks at ever snickering Bee* It's just a special donut made especially for Cade. We shouldn't steal his SPECIAL DONUT, now should we? *looks at Cade, smirking*

Barricade: *mouth agape* WHAAAT?!?!

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: What, what, what?!?!?! TELL US!!!!!

Jazz: *laugh* Well you see-

Barricade: YOU DO NOT WANT TO FINISH THAT SENTENCE!!!!! *aims cannon at laughing Jazz*

Bumblebee: Cade, be nice or no donut for two weeks. *tuts teasingly*

Barricade: WHAT?!?! You lie!! You wouldn't dare!!! *doesn't sound at all confident*

Bumblebee: As the humans would say: Au contraire. I WOULD.

Barricade: But…!! But I…!!! Gah!!! Fine. *lowers weapon reluctantly*

Jazz: Wow Runner, never knew you would ever be this serious… *smirk*

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: Serious about WHAT?!?!?!

Barricade: *indecipherable mumbling* ……well…what can I say...I love my donut. *cough*

Bumblebee: *jaw drop and wide optics*

Jazz: Awwwww!!!!!

Bumblebee: …………*GLOMPS Cade*

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: WHAT THE SLAG?!?!?! *jaw drop*

Bumblebee: Aww!!! That was so…so…*hugs Cade harder* You rarely say that!!! *teary optics*

Jazz: So cuuuute!!! *calls to Wave, who is still keeping his distance* You could learn a thing or two from Runner, Soundwave!

Soundwave: *catches up* What's this about me??

Frenzy: *snickering madly*

Barricade: *small smile; temporarily ignores the others to hug Bee back*

Sunstreaker: *dumbstruck* What in the Matrix is going on?!?!?! Why are they cuddling?!?!

Sideswipe: You infected them both with viruses, didn't you Frenzy?


Jazz: Because even though he is offlined himself, you can't blame He-Whose-Name-We-Cannot-Say unless you want him to come back for you and offline you himself!

Megatron: *snickers*

Frenzy: Slag you!! *waps side of his head*

Jazz: What?

Frenzy: Nothing!

Jazz: Oookay then.

Frenzy: Gah! Whatever! *notices the still blown away Lambos and gets a sudden bright idea* ……H-hey Lambos! I think B-b-barricade may have ONE donut with y-yellow frosting left! I t-t-think he has it r-right now!

Sideswipe/Sunstreaker: *broken from their confused trances* DONUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *make for Cade and Bee*

Barricade: Wha-? OH, NO WAY IN THE PITS!!!!!! IT'S MY DONUT!!!!!!!!!! *throws Bee over his shoulder and runs for it*

Soundwave: Idiots. Still surrounded by idiots.

Jazz: *bursts into laughter at the twins' outrage of being deprived of Cade's precious donut*

Frenzy: C-cops and their donuts. *wink*

A/N: Another crack creation from Himeno24 and yours truly! R&R!