Edward Cullen thinks everything is going well. He had just found that he is strong enough to kiss the girl- there's only one problem. That girl isn't a girl, and he has all the requisite...bits. One-shot. Twilight/HP.

Very Random one-shot. It just sort of happened. For those of you curious, I should be updating Lullabies soon. Well, as soon as I get the chapter typed. Sorry it's taking so long. Anyway, please enjoy this mostly idiotic one shot.

Warnings: Hmm...

Vague hints at HPDM and what could almost be called ECDM

Also...idiocy. Oh and private eyes.

Please Review!

Takes place at Bella and Edward's first kiss post the Meadow scene.

I froze as the cold lips descended on mine.

This was not in the deal. This was not in my contract. Just because I'm gay...damn the Ministry. Damn cross-dressing. Damn Harry for talking me into this. Damn it all. Forget the plan. Forget the disguise. Forget it all.

"Bella?" Edward asked in his smooth voice. I resisted a shudder. Merlin why did vampires have to be so irresistible?!

"Edward..." I said in the high-pitched voice that belonged to this body. "I can't do this."

Edward's eyes darkened, and he let out a breathy sigh. "I understand, of course. I told you-"

I cursed. And cursed. And cursed. Edward jerked back, eyes wide.

"Dammit, Edward. That's not why! I hardly mind vampires. Fuck it. Just take me to your house, okay? I can't explain things here, it's too likely we'll be overheard and I just can't risk that."


"And stop calling me that!"

"I'm sorry," Edward said, looking bemused and hurt.

"Stop looking at me like that, and just take me to your house." I ordered in low tones.

I actually quite like Edward. I hate this part of being a private investigator, manipulating people's trust was just so...disquieting. Fuck, I'm turning into a Gryffindork!

"Let's run. Let me get on your back."

"I thought it made you sick..."

"Just...shut up. You don't understand."

"No, but I would like for you to explain it to me!" Edward growled lowly. A minute later his features turned apologetic. "I apologize."

"Yes. I know. And I will explain everything- at your house."

Edward sighed, but turned and offered Harry a hand. This time I did not add a false hesitation and easily settled against his back. I kept my eyes open as he sped through the woods.

Merlin this was almost better than flying.

He slowed to a stop in front of a gorgeous Victorian house, the kind Mother had always said was the only decent thing Muggles had ever managed. I sighed, but slid off his back, landing catlike on my feet.

"Be- I'm sorry." Edward said. Why did the mark have to be a vampire with a guilt complex?!

"For now you can just call me Red." I said, offering my codename.

"Red then. What..."

"You're rather impatient aren't you?" I remarked dryly. "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Oh- oh, yes, of course." He led me up the stairs and opened the door for me. Dammit I miss Harry.

Inside to vampires stood, one of whom I recognize and the other I figured to be Edward's 'mother'.

"Dr. Cullen. Mrs. Cullen." I nodded.

"We heard you talking outside..." Esme said softly. "What has happened?"

"I seem to have suddenly acquired a conscience." I griped. "It's bloody inconvenient, it is."

Several more vampires joined us, all of whom I recognized from school.

"Can't bloody do my job if I have a fucking conscience." I ranted on. Then I stopped, imagining the look Harry would be shooting me right now. "I apologize. I should probably explain. First things first. I'm not a girl."

Eyes widened and Edward choked. "My name's Draco. Please use it. Next there is such a thing as magic." I tapped myself over the head with my wand and almost enjoyed the gaps as my body returned it's normal appearance of a twenty-five year old male. "I am sorry for leading you all on. I'm a private investigator. I was hired by the British Magical Security Association, or Brimsa, to assess whether your existence is a threat to the Wizarding World. I was supposed to spend as much time as possible with your family. After a serious study of all the known facts it was decided the best way to attach myself to your family was by seducing Edward. Unfortunately, I seem to have developed a conscience, as I said before, and can neither manipulate your trust or cheat on my husband, even with his knowledge."

The eyes had not narrowed, and jaws were dropped.

"You have...bits?!" Edward half choked, half yelled. I snorted and rolled my eyes.

"Yes, Edward- all the same unmentionable bits as you."