Hope you like this! I got bored.
Just one thing, from this, you may get the impression that I don't like Tonks at all. Not true. She's not a bad person at all, I just don't like her with Remus. Anyone who really likes Tonks, don't get offended (I've just said that I like Tonks too... just not with Remus!). There is no severe Tonks bashing... just a little bit from Sirius... But it's mild... so yeah... :)
Any die-hard Remus/Tonks shippers, click the back button. I have a feeling you wouldn't like this. ;) SLASH people! I consider you warned :)
Also, thanks to Don'tKnowWhatToSay for the help :)

Stomping into the kitchen with the piece of parchment, he ignored all the worried looks he was getting. Sirius stalked to the fridge and slammed the parchment on the door, waving his wand and muttering an incantation. Lips pursed, he glared at the pink haired fiend he called his cousin, and then he walked back out again.

The occupants of the grimy kitchen were hushed and motionless in surprise. Yes, Sirius did have severe mood swings... but he had never looked that mean before... Molly tutted slightly; that man really needed to learn to control his emotions. Tonks stood up a few seconds later, wondering why Sirius had shot that horrible glare in her direction. She made her way slowly to the fridge, frowning as she read what was on the parchment.

30 Reasons Why Remus Should Stay With Sirius And Not Give Into Tonks' Evil Flirting:

1) Sirius is a man...

2) ... A manly man...

3) ...with a cock...

4) ...a big one...

5) ...that Remus would miss.

6) Sirius knows what Remus likes in bed...

7) ...and he's very good at fulfilling his needs.

8) He also knows every single thing there is to know about him.

9) He doesn't have pink hair.

10) Sirius knows what Remus' favourite colour is...

11) ...his favourite food...

12) ...his favourite song...

13) ...his favourite shirt...

14) ...in other words, all his favourites.

15) He knows about all his hopes and dreams...

16) ...and Sirius is one of the only people who tried their hardest to make all those dreams come true.

17) Sirius isn't clumsy.

18) 'Sirius' is a much cooler name.

19) Sirius became a dog for Remus...

20) ...so he can help him during the full moon...

21) ...whereas Tonks would just be dinner.

22) He is the only one who knows about Remus' old teddy bear...

23) ...who Padfoot accidentally ripped to shreds...

24) ...but that's not the point.

25) He'd probably look good with a pig snout...

26) ...Tonks doesn't...

27) ...and Remus should be with someone who can pull it off.

28) Sirius is Remus' age...

28) ...and it is therefore more appropriate.

30) He knows how to use Remus' favourite food (chocolate) in the bedroom.

Tonks' stood there, completely shocked for what felt like hours. That stupid idiot. What the hell was he talking about? How dare he insult her like this? Cousin or not, this was unacceptable.

Her hands flew to her hips and her eyes flashed. First of all, her hair was utterly brilliant and secondly, everyone loved her pig snout! Tonks couldn't fathom how Sirius could even think about insulting her pig snout!

Besides, Remus needed to be with a female. He needed someone like herself!

Crossing her arms, she spun on her heel and marched out of the kitchen.

Right, well, two could play at this game.

This meant war.


The next morning when Sirius and Remus entered the kitchen, the Animagus noticed that his own list had been covered by another piece of parchment. Sirius turned sharply to face the dining table. His eyes landed on one smug looking Metamorphagus. Oh, the nerve! How dare she? Struggling to keep the anger at bay, he clenched his fists, his heart aching.

Didn't she understand that Remus belonged to him?

That Remus would never leave him?

He couldn't leave him...



Remus raised an eyebrow at the glares being exchanged by the two relatives and simply walked over to the fridge, deciding it was better for his sanity if he didn't interfere. A frown creased his brow when he spotted the parchment stuck to the door. As his eyes flew across the parchment his confusion increased. What the hell...?

20 Reasons Why Remus Should Go Out With Tonks:

1) Pink hair. No matter what Sirius says.

2) Sirius is a man...

3) ...and Remus needs a woman in his life!! How many times does Tonks have to repeat that?

4) There are no numbers in love! Therefore, the age difference doesn't matter.

5) Hello? She's a Metamorphagus! Enough said.

6) She can always learn what he likes in bed.

7) She always has a bar of chocolate at the ready for Remus.

8) She's cheerful...

9) ...and fun...

10) ...and young...

11) ...and full of life.

12) Tonks may be clumsy, but Remus finds her endearing.

13) She'll buy him a new teddy bear...

14) ...and Padfoot won't be allowed near the poor thing (both Remus and the teddy).

15) Tonks may not use chocolate in the bedroom...

16) ...but she knows plenty of other tricks...

17) ...that Remus will appreciate.

18) Sirius constantly smells like wet dog. Yuck.

19)Tonks can dress in lingerie without looking like a transvestite.

20)And as for the full moon, er, hello? Ever heard of Wolfsbane Potion? Come on, who needs a dog?


"Tonks? What is this?"

"A list."


"Sirius made one. So I thought I should make one too."


"Rem! She was flirting with you! Trying to take you away from me!"


"Well, why wouldn't Remus want to be with me?"

"Because he loves me!"

"How do you know, Sirius?"

"He's been in love with me since out sixth year! And not going to let you steal him away!"

"Well, as I've said, he needs a woman! He should be with me!"

"No, he needs me!"


"Stop it, both of you!"



"Now, please just calm down. Can someone please explain?"

"I will, Moony. Right, Tonks here has been flirting with you non-stop since she joined the Order and I have had enough of it. And you were too dense to realise that she was coming onto you, so I had to do something! You belong to me. Me. Understand Tonks?"

"No! I know what, why don't we just let Remus choose?!"

"...Tonks, I'm really sorry... If I had realised that you were flirting... and I'm sorry if I've been unintentionally leading you on...but I love Padfoot. More than anything. And I'm not going to leave him."

Hope you liked this!