Disclaimer & A/N: I own nothing Vampire Knight. I'm on a writing frenzy & aim to write a new chap for each of my incomplete stories this week (yesh motivation&no school!) This next chap has no Yuki/Zero interaction, they come in the next chap, this is just mayhem caused by our two annoying Americans. It'll be like every 1-2 random chaps & then something that actually happened from the story. -snickers- Don't worry Yuki and Kaname will get their moment to shine soon & Zero will have 1 day where he isn't depressed! Yesh! Hope you enjoy! ^_^ And thanks for your comments! Oh, this chap is the reason for the rating being T other than the language in other chaps, there will be subtle ref... ah who are we kidding? They're in control of sex ed class. I again state this isn't to offend, just to tickle funny bones. And the whole cereal across from feminine products, that actually happened with this alpha and her beta. Enjoy. Props to my beta for the random idea.
The night class didn't know what to expect that night as they waited around in their classroom. By the clock it was already three minutes after the time their class normally began. Then again, their professor Yaguri was still in jail trying to talk the police into believing him about Ama being the driver of that ridiculously long speed chase. For some odd reason the authorities couldn't fathom that an adorable high school student had been driving the car. Then again, the cops hadn't asked for Ama's name, she refused to give it saying she didn't want her name to be tainted. The truth was they would've immediately freed the teacher upon learning that Ama's father was a mob boss. Too bad for Yaguri they didn't find out though.
"It appears Cross Kaien was unable to get us a professor," said Ichijou already getting up and packing his bags. Ichijou was ready to begin his case once more, he would someday find that ladybug killer and bring them to justice! Before the pretty-boy vampire could get any further with putting away his books the shrill sound of a whistle echoed in that room as the door opened and two pairs of feet came stomping. The vampire's flinched at the loud sound of a whistle being blown. Like the black plague that swept through Europe inspiring fear in all, so did these two pairs of feet that followed the shrill noise.
"Oh-" Shiki began, his eyes dilated with fear.
"Hell," Aidou hissed covering his eyes at what he saw.
"No," groaned Ruka slumping into her seat at what came through those doors.
"Due to your professor's absence we will be teaching you today," said Ama pushing up a pair of glasses up her nose, she'd taken them from Cross Kaien's room to give her the look of a teacher. Shera wore similar glasses. Unknown to them, at that moment Cross Kaien was searching all over his office for his glasses and his spares. Ama and Shera wore the night class male uniforms, trying to be manly teachers, truth was those uniforms looked strangely like Aidou and Shiki's that they'd sent to be dry-cleaned the day before. Shera dutifully opened up the lesson plans while Ama opened up the roll call to check down who was and who wasn't there.
"Hmm, it appears Aidou has yet to appear in class," said Ama chewing on the end of her bright red pen.
"What're you talking about I'm right here!" Aidou cried out indignantly from his seat waving a fist at her. Ama looked around the class as if searching for the ill-tempered noble. Aidou went so far as to stand up and wave his arms at her, but Ama shook her head and pretended to mark him absent as her eyes swept over him like he was invisible.
Shera cleared her throat and began class by reading off the paper that Cross Kaien had given her, "Today's lesson is one that is required. None of you may skip out on it no matter how old you are…" Shera raised her brows. "How old are you guys? The oldest has to be what… 20?" Shera's eyes settled on Kaname's head. Ruka glared at Shera for daring to look at the handsome pureblood whom she adored. Then again, Ruka had boundary problems with who looked at her man.
"Continue with lessons please… Sensei Shera," said Kaname, getting tired with where the lessons were going, or in this case weren't going. Shera immediately brightened up at hearing Kaname speak. That was the first time he'd spoken to them… ever. And he'd called her sensei!
"Okay today we're going to learn about the birds and the bees," sang Shera, reading directly from her cue card that Cross Kaien had dutifully written for them. Everyone's eyes widened and their mouths hung wide open, including Ama's own pair of lips.
"No! He did not give us those lessons! We aren't qualified for that," said Ama reaching over to grab Shera's cue cards. "First off you're too innocent to read these… umm…" Ama's eyes scanned what they would've been reading and she blushed heavily for once in her life. Seeing something that rarely ever happened Aidou quickly took a picture on his phone and snickered quietly, he had blackmail on Ama, he could show the world that she was capable of being embarrassed. Ama ripped up the cue cards and tossed them in the trash. "We'll go on what we know… Shera, you start."
Shear stroked her chin and then clapped her hands as she remembered the tale from her parents, something she remembered long before Ama's family took her in. "Well, my parents used to tell me that when you get married you make babies. They said if you make babies before marriage you'll die a horrible death after seven years of bad luck." Everyone just stared at Shera wondering if she seriously believed that until they all realized the same thing. This was Shera. She believed most everything someone told her. Rima thought it was adorable and began a vivid sketch in her notebook of Shera in a drawing much like the Venus de Milo.
"Your father was very strict on your virtue Shera… none of that is true," said Ama running a hand through her hair as she tried to explain to her innocent little friend. This was great, the stupids teaching the stupid.
"You're one to talk. Your dad wouldn't let you even meet a boy until you were twelve," snapped Shera.
"Next lesson," shouted out Ama, trying to skip this bit of information as she ran over to her purse and began to dig around until she found it. What Ama found was the thing most men feared most upon seeing. In fact, most men never wanted to see it in their lives. It was so terrifying that automatically all the men in the room scooted back an inch in their chairs, all except Kaname who was staring at the item in Ama's fingers with a bemused expression wondering if she really was going to show it to the class with an explanation. What Ama held in her hands was the scariest thing of all… at least to mankind… a small and very feminine tampon.
"This is something that stops the bleeding. Not to be confused with a nose plug for when your nose bleeds," explained Ama. Upon seeing the fear instilled in the faces of the boys, Ama smiled widely and tossed it at Aidou who shrieked like a girl and jumped from his desk to run over and sit behind Kane. This was a moment that would haunt Aidou for the rest of his immortal life, and he knew he would never be able to sit over at that spot again since that dreaded thing had touched his writing area.
"I want all the men in the class to turn around and look at the females in here," said Shera as authoritatively as she could, pushing the glasses up even further on her nose. When all the guys in class had turned and glanced at the girls in class Shera proceeded with her lesson. "Once a month those same girls become evil. The only thing you can do to protect yourself is stay out of their way or give them food. How long their time of evil lasts varies from girl to girl. Sadly, it has been scientifically proven that when one girl starts it there is a chain reaction to those near her and they can fall in sync together." That's what all the men feared in the class. They wished that girls could just settle on a day or so and be done, but no, they each had to be different. And when together they all could join as one clump of horomones and turn on the males brutally together.
"Now about safe sex," said Ama sitting on top of her desk and casting an eye over the class as if looking for the ones with 'Guilty' written on their foreheads for indulging in things. "The safest thing to do is…" Some of the students leaned in listening, Aidou just wanted to know if Ama knew what she was talking about. "Don't do it! And if you must do something…" Ama said hopping off the desk and walking over to her favorite subject of humiliation. Ama picked up Aidou's hands, despite his tries at pulling his hands away she jerked on his arms hard enough to cause a bruise, and held them up for all to see, "you have two useful hands for outlet." With that said, Ama dropped his hands and grinned the whole way back to the teacher's desk while Aidou suffered smirks and laughter from his classmates. Shiki looked pointedly at Aidou with a raised brow. By now Aidou understood every gesture Shiki made and he hissed out, "I don't do that." Shiki raised his other brow. "I swear," he hissed back, his teeth gritting down like the teeth of a shark. All Aidou wanted in life now was to live one day without being teased by the Americans... that or one day to torment Ama. Sadly, Aidou knew not to wish for miracles any time soon.
"Ruka could you please stand up?" Shera asked politely and so Ruka actually did what she was told. "Ruka is the most beautiful girl in class, we all know this." Ruka's ego grew a bit as she straightened up and puffed out her chest hoping that her dear Kaname had heard the praise over her delightful figure. "But she has an attitude problem." Ruka glared over at Shera who continued with lessons with a bright smile on her face. Shera either noticed Ruka's harsh gaze and ignored it or was completely oblivious. Since it was our adorable Shera we'll go with the latter. "Now multiply that by twenty and you get one average pregnant woman. Thank you Ruka. How many of you men can even deal with one Ruka?" No one raised their hand but Kane. "You're a strong man, sugar Kane." With a huff Ruka slumped daintily down into her seat, she'd seen that not even her precious Kaname had raised his hand and he'd actually been paying attention with a small smirk on his lips. Ama and Shera both tapped their chins trying to think for a moment before Ama's eyes widened at something. Shera, upon seeing her friend's eyes, quirked a brow at her.
"Shera…" Ama murmured quietly looking between Shera and the rest of the night class. Ama leaned over to whisper in Shera's ear and Shera too got wide eyed. "Should we?" Shera nodded her head fast and the two walked over until they stood in front of Kaname. "Um… we might be teaching the class wrong… but do vampire babies come the same way as human babies?" The night class students were about to get up as one and attempt at beating down the two Americans for asking Kaname such a stupid question, attempt is the world considering these two girls were evil and kept coming back. The night class students would've tried something, but something unexpected happened. Kaname burst out laughing. It was a sound that few had ever heard come from the pureblood king. In fact, Ruka couldn't believe her ears and wanted to stake the two women right there for making him laugh while at the same time wished she had a recorder to commemorate such a moment. Aidou, who was busy curled up in a ball behind Kane's seat, sat up and wondered if Ama and Shera had finally gotten to Kaname and broke him. Ama and Shera smiled brightly and Aidou got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as did the rest of the night class, Kaname's laughter was just encouragement for those two.
"If so, maybe we should demonstrate to the class eh Kaname-sama," said Ama grinning broadly while Shera nodded in agreement. No one was immune to the charms of the pureblood, absolutely no one. Ruka stood up to attack the two girls, Kaname continued laughing, Ama raised a fist ready to take on Ruka, Shera raised the roll call booklet to beat Ruka with, and then something unexpected happened… again. Our favorite vampire hunting teacher, Sensei Yaguri, came running into the class with his shotgun raised up and pointed at Ama. He had a new hat on, it looked like a safari one, since his favorite one had been used previously as a vomit bag for Aidou.
"Oh-" Shera began with wide eyes.
"Shit," said Ama. And just as Yaguri pumped his gun the two girls disappeared out of the window next to Kaname's seat. They were gone.
Like the enticing beer that sat out in the open at an alcoholics anonymous meeting.
Something was up with Shera and Ama. They were acting the complete opposite of how they normally acted… or in this case Shera was acting like Ama and Ama was acting like her…
It all started like in a scary movie… it was raining… the clouds were dark, there was thunder outside of the classroom, Ama and Shera had missed their day class due to some odd 'sickness' they'd said, so they were allowed to sit in with the night class… And as they slumped to their seats not energetic at all, rather lethargic… an ominous cloud hung in the air. Sensei Yaguri was still a little twitchy, wanting to get back at Ama, but Cross Kaien had threatened to report him if he did. In fact, Cross Kaien had taken Yaguri's beloved gun so he wouldn't be tempted. And all the vampires could smell blood but they rationalized it as a wound on the two girls. It wouldn't surprise the men of the night class if those two women got into a fight with someone and finally got wounded. They just wondered who'd been tough enough to hurt the two American women all of the vampires seemed to fear.
And then Sensei Yaguri opened his mouth and began that night's lesson, "Today we are going to talk about the earth, how it came to be, what it is made of… the shape of the earth being round-"
Shera's eye twitched and she glared at Sensei Yaguri, who picked up on her negative mood, and asked the only sweet girl of the two Americans. "What's wrong?"
"What's with you talking about the earth being round? Is that some reference to my ass," growled Shera. Shiki, who'd just placed a bit of pocky in his mouth, bit so hard on the pocky that he began to choke at what Shera had said. Never had Shiki heard a vulgar word nor a really angry sentence from the girl who sat beside him. And Shera practically radiated the mood of a warrior about ready to beat the crap out of someone.
Ama began crying hysterically into her hands, as if she'd just been told someone had hit her pet puppy with a car. Aidou's eye twitched and he suddenly began freaking out because he'd never seen Ama cry before. And she was sitting right beside him… and crying into his shoulder of all places. Ama's sweet smelling tears were landing on his pristine white outfit, yes it was ruining the clothes, but he could smell her sweet tears and skin. If he leaned in closer with her neck so exposed he could bite her. Perhaps have just a little taste of the evil that ran through her veins and gain some of the power she had as the epitome of evil in his life. But before Aidou could bite her, Ama raised her head up to look at him with doe sized green eyes full of tears, an adorable mess, and said four words he never expected to hear.
"Tell me I'm pretty," Ama cried. And then her eyes lit up completely changing her mood as a newfound light came into them much like the bright and bubbly mood Shera normally carried. "You're cute Ai-dou!" Ama said stretching out his name teasingly as one of her fingers began tracing his elbow and a cute blush came to her cheeks. "Want to cuddle?"
"Ama I believe you need to move before I bite y- What? You want to cuddle with me!" Aidou was in such a state of shock that Ama readily snuggled into his arms and he just froze for a moment unable to move and unable to believe that this was actually happening. His only reaction was when his hand began to pat her back. The whole class was silent. Hell must've frozen over at some point that day.
"Listen you! We are not talking about how I look or feel because my fuse is short and I will not be talked down too," Shera cried out waving a pointed finger at a very much unnverved Sensei Yaguri whose hand was edging towards the knife he had under the desk for such occasions. "Don't make me get up from my desk you mediocre man!" Shera said standing up from her place. Yaguri had never thought he might have to use the weapon on a human student of all things, at least a human student other than Ama.
"I'm not talking down to-" He began, speaking loudly so she could hear him.
"Why are you raising your voice at me? You feel that because I'm a woman you have to speak down to me," Shera cried lifting up her chair in anger and thrashing it across the desk to throw it at their teacher. Shiki's eyes became the size of silver dollar coins and he shakily scooted over in his seat from Shera. "I never thought you'd be a sexist bastard Sensei!" Shera reached over for the chair with Shiki in it and picked it up despite the fact that Shiki still sat in it. Shiki nervously chewed on his pocky and closed his eyes hoping this was all a dream, Shera would go back to normal, and put his chair gently down on the floor.
"Oh so its chan huh! Where's my sempai? Why don't you treat me the way you treat Kaname? Is it because I'm a girl! A woman!"
"Please put me down Shera," whispered Shiki, his eyes still closed in fear. Shera turned her face to look up at the terrified vampire whom she loved dearly.
"Now you're going to pick on me! You want me to put you down because you don't think I can handle holding you up! You're sexist too Shiki! I thought you were special-"
"Please Shera-sempai put the other student down," begged Sensei Yaguri
"Oh so its 'sempai' now? Now that I've got the power you treat me with respect! If he was down would you treat me with that same respect?!"
"All I want is a Snickers and a Midol!" Ama said crying once more into Aidou's shoulders as she murmured huskily into his ear all the while nuzzling the appendage with her nose, "Aidou, darling will you get me a Snickers please? If you do I'll let you bite my neck!" She tilted her head all cutely and Aidou's fangs grew, he covered his mouth. If he bit her Kaname would kill him. In fact, the pureblood was watching on with fascination, as if waiting to see if Aidou could restrain himself. Aidou did not want to be smacked by Kaname… for the third time that month.
"What's wrong with the world?" Aidou cried from behind his hand ready to cry at the more than willing girl who he couldn't bite or he'd die.
"They're on their cycles," stated Ruka as the rest of the men in the night class, and Rima, freaked out.
"Someone understands us!" Ama cried out, jumping up from Aidou's warm lap to run in joy over towards Ruka. Ama embraced Ruka, making all the men in the class gasp, except for Kaname but his eye did twitch at the sight. Ruka stared down icily at the human who was hugging Ruka as if she were Ama's soul mate and best friend. "Oh Ruka! You do care about us to notice what's wrong!"
"Shera-chan. Sempai… Shera," Yaguri stuttered over her name nervously wondering what to call her because now that Shera had Ama's fire it appeared as if she would kill Yaguri should he mess up. With Ama's fire possessing Shera he would never win and so he edged closer to the door.
"Oh no you don't! Don't you even think of trying to leave scaredy cat! Get back here you sexist pig-" Shera took off after Yaguri with Shiki clutching tightly onto the chair the whole time because she still hadn't put him down and it appeared she was planning on using him as a weapon.
Ama raised her trembling head up from where she had it buried in Ruka's chest and looked back at the icy vampire male she loved to tease. This time there was an almost murderous look to Ama's eyes as she quietly asked, "Aidou! Where's my Snickers?"
And so it was that Shiki, Ichijou, and Aidou were at a grocery store, not a fancy Tiffany's store buying a diamond studded watch nor a brand new car, but a plain and ordinary grocery store where 'commoners' shopped.
"What's on the list again?" Shiki asked as Aidou tried skimming over the little slip of paper once more. Ichijou rolled past them on the grocery cart with his hands in the air calling out, "Look what I can do!" He was like a kid in a toy store ever since he'd gotten a hold of one of the buggies.
"We got her a Snickers… I got her five of those," said Aidou. "Well um… next is… the feminine…. Items." Aidou's cheeks colored at the mention of those items.
"Pads and tampons," replied Shiki easily while his friend trip faltered over the words. It took them a whole ten minutes to find the aisle since there were no butlers catering to their needs like in their usual grocery stores. And it took a whole ten minutes more to gain the courage to approach the aisle. When they did Aidou was very much distressed and disturbed.
"Why do they have the cereal across from the feminine products?" Aidou asked as Shiki called up the girls just to make sure they were on the right aisle. He too was disturbed at the idea that their breakfast products came across from the feminine hygiene.
"Shiki," squealed Shera into the phone. "Are you guys heading back yet?"
"No," muttered Shiki over the phone as Aidou reached over and grabbed it.
"We were searching for your… lady products-"
"Pads," replied Shera over the phone making Aidou flinch at that cursed word.
"Yeah and we don't know if we are on the right aisle." Suddenly he and Shiki could hear the phone shuffled about and then Ama was on the phone.
"You're on the aisle with the cereal right?"
"Why did they put it on that-"
"I want some cereal now! Get me some please! Oh Captain Crunch Peanut Butter and Shera wants some Rice Krispies! Oh we love cereal when we're on our curses-"
"That's why," replied Shiki wondering if it had been the intention of cereal makers to ask stores to specifically put their items in front of the feminine products on the off chance that they had the munchies and wanted some cereal to snack on while on their cycle. Oh Ama and Shera had definitely jumped on their cycles and run Shiki and Aidou's asses over with them. Ichijou was squealing as he rode the buggy past Aidou once more, Shiki reached out and tugged on it making the blond lurch back, as he began tossing in the cereal they wanted. Ichijou had to get himself cereal after noticing Ama and Shera's and ran up and down the aisle inspecting each box until he decided he needed to try one of each.
"Well… which brand do you girls… use?" Aidou asked skittishly on the phone. "Do I get tampons?"
"What? Are you trying to give us shock syndrome?" Ama's furious reply came back.
"So pads it is?"
"You want us to wear diapers!"
"What do you want to wear?"
"Just knock me up so I don't have to go through this pain!" Ama was practically crying on the other line. Aidou was speechless as Shera took the phone from Ama. Shiki also took the phone from a dazed Aidou who was staring off into space, eyes wide circles, mouth wide open, hair spiked up from shock, and skin tone pale.
"Just get whatever looks right for us. And don't forget pocky Shiki! We can share when you get back," piped up Shera before hanging up on them. The two looked at one another before Shiki pointedly looked at Aidou who'd regained his color and a blush to his cheeks. Aidou shrugged his shoulders at what Shiki was saying in his one gaze.
"How am I supposed to know what looks right for them? I don't use… products like that," Aidou huffed as Ichijou ran to get another buggy for all the cereal he wanted.
Twenty three boxes of cereal later –thanks to Ichijou-, pads and tampons of every shape and size, boxes of Snickers, boxes of Pocky, an Aspirin for Shiki and Aidou, a yoyo for Ichijou, and a four boxes of Midol… the men stood carrying in with all their strength the bags upon bags of stuff that they had just bought. Ichijou was placing out bowls upon bowls of cereal bowls onto the table, he was determined to go through all those bowls pouring out cereal from each box into each one and try them all separately so he could determine which cereal was the best for his delicate stomach. Ama and Shera had just run down the stairs to find Aidou and Shiki huffing from sheer ex Ichijou was bringing out bowls upon bowls to put on the table determined to try each cereal. Ama and Shera had just run down the stairs to find Aidou and Shiki huffing from sheer exertion as they leaned upon the walls next to the stairs.
"We got what you wanted," groaned Aidou falling over onto the floor in exasperation.
"Oh thank you! You guys are so sweet," cooed Shera. "But we just got over it!" Her eyes closed in happiness and a huge smile lit up her face. Shiki froze where he leaned against the wall and was unable to move. Aidou fell face first on the floor where he'd been sitting. Aidou pounded a little fist on the floor bitterly.
"You…. got… over it?" Aidou mumbled from where his face was connected to the floor. He swore if he could die right there he would. Life was so cruel to him.
"Yup," stated Ama walking over and grabbing just one Snickers. Just then Ruka ran into the room, tears streaming down her face as she glanced at the others.
"I'm on mine now," Ruka stated accusingly like it was Ama and Shera's fault. Then again, as Ruka had learned from the sex ed lesson, it could very well be Shera and Ama's fault for causing a chain reaction. Ruka ran over to see the bowls laden with cereal in the kitchen and her eyes widened significantly with joy as she beamed at Ichijou.
"I love cereal! I wish they had it on the aisle next to the products at our rich stores," she said. Ruka ran to the fridge and then came back out of the kitchen looking like she was about ready to cry. Ichijou tilted his head waiting for Ruka to speak up. The other two males knew that it was inevitable… hell was beginning once more and it would never end for them. In fact, hell hadn't ended for them since the two Americans showed up, they brought out the worst in everyone. They were never given a break. And so it was with heartfelt eyes that Ruka said to the three men, "You forgot the milk."
To come next:
Halloween is coming up for Cross Academy. Can you guess what the Americans will dress Yuki as? Those three give new meaning to trick or treat. But what do we have here? Ama and Shera fight! Over what?! What will ensue for the night class when the two American's teach them about the awesome powers of the Superbowl?
Tune in next time ^_^
Subliminal message: You will go watch vampire knight right now & then you will drink hot chocolate & pretend its fall again...