My Bad; The Deconstruction of Jane
~A Crackfic for Trust in Advertising by the amazing, wonderful and all powerful, vjgm. If you haven't read it yet, crawl out from under the rock you've been residing under and get thee to Twilighted(dot)net! Whassa mattah wif you?~
How would you do away with Jane and the evil beast that she really is inside? Here are four POVs on how a few of our favorite characters from Trust in Advertising would take her out as she stalks through the office. Of course, it's Bella who gets the last laugh!
I own no part of Twilight, 'cept for the blu ray, DVD, a copy of every book & a bunch of other crap that I bought on the sly *wink* BUT I did do mean things to Jane *evil laugh*
Beta'd by the always beautiful Devikalika! I heart you so hard for doing this for me bb! *MMMMWAH*
Jane stepped off of the elevator and noticed that Leah was looking at her strangely, with an odd far off glaze in her eye that was different from the pathetically normal, ignorant, slack-jawed look she usually had about her…
I looked up when I heard the ding of the elevator stopping on this floor and the doors slid open with a soft whoosh.
Her black harpy wings emerged before the rest of her gangly, grey body did. The foul stench of the innocent souls I'm sure she'd consumed for breakfast swirled in the air around her.
She worked her fingers as she surveyed from one end of the lobby to the other, her black talons clicking as she took in her surroundings. The red beady eyes that sat deep in her skull transfixed on me and the breath that left her twisted mouth was practically green as she hissed my name.
Fuck if this creature was going to get by me today.
I reached under my desk and drew the longsword from its sheath as I jumped from my chair and blocked her advance.
"Not today Jane," I growled, arching the blade over my head.
"You want to play with meeeee?" she asked, her skeletal frame moving unnaturally beneath the thin veil of her grey skin as she laughed, spraying me with her foul spittle.
I spat out the vile fluid that had landed on my lips. "Let's dance," I challenged with a flick of my sword.
Her shrill cry, born of pure evil, echoed in the halls as her wings expanded and she lunged at me, taking a swipe at my head.
With skill and speed my blade flashed out and connected with her body, leaving one of her putrid limbs twitching and bleeding on the floor at my feet as she keened in pain.
"You'll pay for that," she seethed, wiping the froth from her mouth with her remaining hand.
"Bring it," I shot back at her.
An ear-splitting howl erupted from between her pointed teeth as she advanced, but she was no match for me.
Circling the sword over my head, I spun out of her grasp and rose up behind her. I plunged the steel straight through her back, the end of my blade piercing her concaved chest, and her dark green blood spewed forward from the wound.
Her body crumpled to the ground as she struggled for breath and I slowly stalked around her, sliding the tip of my sword around her boney neck and seating it under her chin, forcing her to look at me.
A mixture of blood and saliva seeped from her mouth as she clutched at the hole in her chest.
"You're nobody," she choked. "You answer phones and take messages." Her voice was strangled and her breaths shallow. "You're nothing but a front desk girl," she coughed, spraying my blouse with her nearly black blood as she attempted to take one final, pathetic swipe at me.
Wielding my longsword in an arch across my body, I let the cold, hard steel of my razor-sharp blade relieve her of her head.
Wiping the sweat from my brow and scrubbed at the blood on my shirt as I bent down. I fisted my hand in the matted hair on the top of her putrid skull as I heaved my trophy off of the floor.
I sank down into my comfy office chair, tossing my sword under my desk. I plopped Jane's severed head on top of it with a sloppy, wet plop, right next to the small potted plant.
"You messed with the wrong fucking front desk girl this time, didn't you, bitch?" I snarled looking into her flat dead eyes.
"Hello, Leah?" Jane snapped her perfectly manicured fingers in Leah's face.
"Oh sorry, Jane, my bad. I guess I was in my own little world there for a second," Leah grinned sheepishly. "I'll buzz Edward…"
"Don't bother," Jane waved at her dismissively. "Honestly I don't know why Edward continues to employ you. A trained monkey could do your job," she muttered as she headed down the hall toward Edward's office.
Leah waited until she was a few steps away. "Fucking harpy," she muttered as she went back to work.
Jane stalked down the hall and saw Emmett round the corner out of Edward's office. He was nice looking but no Edward – not to mention he annoyed the hell out of Jane with his lame, oafish, college boy humor. Idiot…
I was almost stunned silent as I left my best friend's office and stood face to face with the alien being that fed on his soul and sucked the life blood and joy right out of him.
"Sup bitch, where the fuck you think you're goin'?" I asked, crossing my arms over my massive chest.
"Wherever I please," she spewed at me, her green scales rippling over her reptilian body.
I shuddered. God she was disgusting. I couldn't wrap my head around how Edward let that thing anywhere near him, let along his junk. There wasn't enough money in universe to get my cock anywhere near that fucking hole, shit probably had teeth. Ed must have an iron dick.
Enough was enough. I was tired of seeing my buddy get sucked dry by this green bitch. If he wasn't going to do something about it, I was. I love that motherfucker like a brother, damn it.
"Why don't you find someone else's carcass to gnaw on, Velociraptor," I said, nodding to the hallway behind her, "and leave my friend the hell alone?"
Her yellow eyes flickered to the sliver of space between me and the door jam and she bolted, trying to slip her slimy self through the crack. I shifted, cutting off her entry and filling the space with my entire body.
Jane's lithe form bounced off of my enormous torso and she stumbled back a few steps. She glared at me with those bile-colored eyes and slunk to the floor. She coiled her frame, not unlike a snake ready to strike, as she bared her rows upon rows of jagged teeth at me.
"What the fuck are you?"
"You're worst nightmare," she hissed, her forked tongue darting out from between her grizzled lizard lips as she launched her self at me.
Now, normally, I don't hit women – of any species. But this green bitch has been askin' for a fucking beat down ever since she slithered into Edward's life. Nobody liked her and I was pretty sure she didn't like anybody. Half of the time I wasn't even sure she liked Edward that much, and just used him for his connections and sex. My skin crawled at that last thought.
I reached back a closed fist and let it fly, clocking her but good, snapping her head back and stopping her from coming any closer.
She was dazed for a moment as she shook her head a few times, trying to clear her hairless, scale-covered head. Her jaw unhinged like a giant boa constrictor as she rolled it around and she blinked her milky, filmy eyelids. I had to fight back the dry heaves just watching her mouth open beyond anything that was normal and I shuddered at the though that Edward willingly put his dick in that thing. He must have some weird Captain Kirk complex or something.
"Seriously, what the fuck are you?"
Her thin lips made a sickening sound as they peeled back and her mouth opened. Faster than I could react, her tongue flashed out like a whip, tightly wrapping itself around my throat.
"Oh shit," I choked as I clawed at the slimy constraint with one hand and I reached into my back pocket with the other. Locating my switch blade, I quickly sliced through the pulsing muscle that was threatening to cut off my air supply.
Black blood sprayed the walls of the hallway as what was left of her forked tongue slid back into her mouth. I didn't know if it was her saliva, her foul blood or just her scrunky ass, but the smell was disgusting.
"Gross," I muttered, wiping the slime and lizard juice off of my neck. "Fuck! God, I hope I don't get some kind of iguana disease now."
"Fugging atthole," she sputtered with her half tongue as she sprang to her feet, darting for the door again. She screamed, "Heth mine!" as she tried to scramble past me. She leaned around my body, attempting to reach past me as she wailed.
I glanced at the clock on Bella's desk. Fuck, it was almost lunchtime.
"I don't have time for this shit, bitch," I said, curling my fingers around her windpipe and plucking her from my body like a piece of lint. I held her at arm's length as she writhed in my grasp, snapping at my wrist with her jagged teeth and scratching at my arm with her claws.
I walked down the hall at a normal pace, as if walking through the office with a screaming, gnashing alien was an everyday occurrence.
"Hey Em," Leah said from behind the desk as I entered the lobby.
"Sup Lee," I nodded to her.
"Not much, just taking care of a little pest problem." I grinned as I showed her the squirming green bitch in my grasp.
"Cool, it's about time. Let me know what you want to order for lunch," she said as she went back to answering the phones, like any typical day in the office.
I slid open the window on the other side of Leah's desk and dangled Jane's twisting body out as far as I could reach. I didn't want this thing latching onto the side of the building and climbing back in, because she probably could do it. Freak.
"I'll geth bath ashoo, atthole," she spat at me, her feet kicking in the open air.
"Whatever," I laughed as I dropped her out of window, waving at her shrinking body as she fell with a juicy slat onto the ground below. "Fucking bitch."
"Excuse me," Jane said, annoyance clearly saturating her voice.
"Oh, hey Jane, sup," Emmett nodded, grinning his dimpled smile.
"What's up?" she huffed. "You're in my way asshole, that's what's up."
Emmett threw up his hands and side stepped out of the doorway to Edward's office. "My bad."
"Idiot," Jane muttered under her breath as she passed by.
"Fucking lizard bitch," Emmett mumbled as he headed back down the hallway toward his office to figure out what he was going to have for lunch.
Jane stepped into Edward's office and found his sister, Alice, and that…child. That sticky, chocolate-covered, dirty, little person. Kids made Jane's skin crawl…
God, I couldn't for the life of me understand what my brother saw in this pretentious skank.
"Hello there, dear," Jane said to Madison in a sickeningly sweet voice. "What have you got there?"
"A cookie," Madison said quietly. "Bella gave it to me."
"You should really watch those cookies," Jane sang. "Too many cookies make for chubby little girls and nobody wants a chubby little girl now do they?"
I cocked my head at the skinny whore and glared at her. "I think you should have a cookie, Jane."
"Oh, really, I can't, I have my figure to watch and…"
I narrowed my eyes at her and she froze. I looked to the top of Bella's desk and wiggled my nose, making a giant plate of oversized cookies appear out of thin air. Picking one up that easily weighed a quarter of a pound, I extended it to her and repeated myself.
"I said, have a cookie."
Panic washed over Jane's face as she struggled with her own trembling hand that was reaching out for the confection before she crammed it into her mouth. Crumbs and chocolate chips smeared across her lips.
"Can I try, Mommy?" Madison giggled.
"Of course, sweetie," I chirped while Jane frantically shook her head 'no.'
Madison stood up and extended her left hand in front of her and lifting her right index finger to her pert, little nose, moving it from side to side.
A mammoth-sized, cream-filled éclair appeared, spilling over the sides of her petite palm.
Jane's arm twitched as she fought against the spell she was under. Her fingers sank into the pastry as she lifted it to her lips and bit into the dessert with great zeal.
With a grin, I wiggled my nose.
"Look at her!" Madison clapped as she leapt up and down, pointing at Jane's hips that began expanding at an alarming rate.
The seams of her Gucci skirt started to split and she clutched at the overpriced fabric in a desperate attempt to keep it closed. A look of sheer and utter panic washed over her face.
"Oh my, Jane," I chuckled. "You seem to be having a problem." I turned to my little angel as a smile curled my lips. "I think Miss Jane needs a makeover, don't you?"
Madison squealed with glee as I twitched my nose and a rack of polyester clothing appeared in a virtual rainbow of synthetic fabric and a variety of plaids, polka dots, horizontal stripes and neon colors.
Jane's eyes widened in horror, to the size of saucers, as they landed on one shirt in particular that read "I 3 Wal-Mart."
"No, please! Anything but that," she plead, her voice trembling as the material of her skirt slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor at her feet.
"Jane!" I gasped, spinning Madison toward the clothing rack and twitching my nose, giving Jane a nice giant pair of granny panties. "Why don't you pick out something for Miss Jane," I said, grinning evilly at the ballooning supermodel. "She's been eying that Wal-Mart t-shirt," I whispered in my daughter's ear.
Turning to Jane I swirled my finger in the air, producing a kiddie pool full of pasta in front of her.
"Carbs!" she screeched. She watched as the end of a noodle extended from the plastic pool and inserted itself into her open mouth, strangling off any remaining words.
"She should wear this, Mommy," Maddie sang as she skipped to my side, carting a pair of the most hideously bright, neon green stretch pants and a "Wal-Mart is my mother ship" t-shirt.
"That is perfect, sweetie!" I exclaimed. With a flick of my wrist, the clothes appeared on the ever-expanding Jane while the never-ending noodle inched its way down her gullet.
Madison laughed as the once slender super bitch started to float off of the ground like a giant human balloon – and there was only one thing left to do.
With a final twitch of my nose, one long hat pin materialized in my hand.
I held the piece of pointed, shiny metal between my fingers as I walked over to Jane's bloated body.
"Nobody fucks with my baby," I snarled as I stuck the pin in her gigantic ass and she burst.
Maddie danced under the shower of the brightly colored confetti that showered Bella's office.
"Hello, Alice," Jane said, waving her hand in front of Alice's face.
"Hmm? Oh, my bad. Were you saying something Jane?" Alice asked as she snapped to, suddenly feeling the need to gather Madison in her arms protectively.
"I was asking if Edward is in," Jane snapped back, getting tired of everyone's behavior today.
"Yes, he is. He's on the phone with a client. Madison and I were just leaving," Alice said, grabbing Maddie's hand and heading out of the office.
Jane reached for Edward's closed door and pushed it open without knocking…
I heard the door swing open, without being knocked upon, and the sick smell of brimstone trickled up my nostrils as her odor filled my office.
My mind raced back to last night and my lips tingled with the warm feeling of Bella's sweet, soft mouth on mine. She was my angel, my savior. That one kiss had cleansed me and completely lifted the veil I'd kept in place to shield me from Jane's true form.
Spinning my massive, black leather chair around, I saw Jane – really saw her for the first time for the slice of pure Hellmouth evil that she truly was.
Standing on the other side of my desk, Jane's forked tail whipped around behind her as if it was taking a sensory read of the room. Her tight, red skin stretched over her bones like old leather. Her stringy, lackluster hair hung lifelessly around her protruding horns. She smiled at me and her jagged, yellow teeth crawled with the tiny creatures that inhabited the deepest darkest pits of Hell.
"What are you doing here, Jane? I'm working," I said casually. I was trying to act as if all was normal in an attempt to lull the creature into a false sense of security. I needed to catch her unaware in order to strike her down once and for all. My fingers danced along the sterling silver cross I'd stashed on the underside of my desk this morning.
"Do I need a reason to come and visit you?" Her voice rang of nails on a chalkboard and metal against concrete and I had to struggle not to cover my ears.
"Well, if you would have called, for once, I could have told you that I have a meeting with Bella this afternoon and you shouldn't bother yourself with gracing the office with your oh-so-alluring presence."
I was hoping the air of snark in my voice would go unnoticed, but her flat, black eyes narrowed at me and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. It was like those two pieces of coal could peer right into the depths of my soul and it made me very uncomfortable. My right hand squeezed the water bottle that I'd contingently filled with holy water, ready to fling it at her if she attacked.
"I don't trust that little mousy brown slut," she seethed.
My back riled at her words and I wanted to defend my sweet angel Bella from this vile being.
"Why do you have to act this way, Jane? She's never done anything to you," I asked, trying to keep my voice even.
Maintain the façade Edward. Just a little bit longer.
"Are you kidding?" Jane waved her claws around wildly as she spoke. "That little bitch talked shit about me to Jacob Black and now he won't return my calls. This is my career she is messing with, my livelihood. What the fuck, Edward? I'm your girlfriend, in case you've forgotten. I would think you should be pissed at her for screwing with my life." She was absolutely incensed and out of control as she shrieked in the middle of my office.
As if right on cue, there was a swift knock at the door.
"Come in," I called.
The door swung open and beams from Heaven shone down on the angel that graced my doorway. My heart thundered in my chest as her beautiful brown locks tumbled down her shoulders, the white dress she wore was indicative of her true heavenly nature and I'm pretty certain that I saw butterflies fluttering around her and heard birds singing.
"Edward are you ready for…" Bella paused when she saw Jane. "I'm sorry, am I interrupting?"
As Jane's body twisted, the jutting vertebrae down her back rippled and seemed to grow more jagged, pushing the boundaries of her sickeningly thin skin as her rage increased.
"Yes," Jane growled.
At that precise moment, I sweetly uttered, "No."
Jane looked from me to Bella and back again, her demon's tail whipping around behind her faster and faster as the realization of my feelings for Bella became clear in her miniscule Hell-spawned mind.
Her black eyes spun wildly as her body coiled unnaturally and she wheeled back, preparing to attack the fair Bella.
Ripping the silver cross from under my desk, I sprang over the top of it and pressed the consecrated metal to the back of the beast before she could advance on my beloved.
We crashed to the ground as the religious ornament seared and sizzled against Jane's unholy flesh.
Jane screeched and writhed underneath my grip, hissing and cursing in a foreign tongue until she'd managed to wiggle herself away from me, nursing her smoldering wound.
"Edward," she whimpered, cowering between the couch and coffee table across the room. "What's gotten into you? Why would you do something like that?"
She didn't know that I saw her true form. Ha! She was still under the impression that I saw the supermodel beauty that everyone else did.
"I see you," I said quietly, narrowing my eyes.
"That's impossible," Jane gasped and turned her evil gaze to the doorway. "You," she spat at Bella.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Bella smiling; she absolutely beamed, the soft aura around her flared and she looked even more beautiful than she did just moments before – if that was remotely possible.
"I see what a vile and wretched beast you truly are," I said, pointing the cross at her accusingly, "and I banish you from this office and my life forever."
The bones in her face started to change, cracking and morphing, disfiguring her features even further. The coal black eyes seated deep in her skull blazed with amusement. She rose from her spot on the floor as the sound of bone crunching and grinding filled the room. Two leathery wings began to spring forth from her back, as her gangly limbs stretched and her boney fingers elongated farther. She mutated before my very eyes, doubling in size, and the drops of her spittle left burn marks in my carpet where they'd fallen from her grizzled lips.
Jane tossed her filthy head back and brayed. The laughter was indicative of the evil that ran through her putrid veins. I continued to wield the cross like a weapon, circling my finger on the button that triggered the blade that was spring-loaded inside of it.
"You think that little talisman of yours is going to do any thing against me?" she asked eying the silver piece in my hand. I pressed the trigger and a shank sprang forward from the end. Jane laughed harder. "It will take more than your little pig sticker and a bottle of holy water to take me out."
I was trying not to show my fear in my eyes as I heard the distinct metallic sound of swords being drawn. I turned my head to see Bella pulling two blades from behind her back.
Bella leapt through the air, whirling and spinning in a flurry of white silk and steel as she landed on the balls of her feet by my side.
"A good assistant is always prepared for the very worst," she said, winking at me as she clanged her blades together.
My heart soared. "Thank you," I whispered as I caressed her cheek lovingly, lost for a second in her deep, chocolate brown eyes.
Jane's hissing screech pulled my attention back to the task at hand, exorcising this demon.
I spun around and grabbed the water bottle off of my desk, dousing it in Jane's eye. At the same time, Bella went low, jabbing at her extremities, and sinking one sword into the creature's meaty thigh.
An unholy wail shattered the windows as Jane twisted against the pain, clawing at her burning eyes. The sulfur-scented, frothing, and bubbling black ooze that was her blood poured out of the wound around hilt of Bella's blade.
Bella looked up at her, a gloriously beautiful smirk on her face. "Consecrated steel, bitch, and I've been waiting for you for a long time," she muttered as she twisted the blade in the flesh, ripping through the fibers of evil muscle.
The beast Jane howled as Bella sank her other sword into the belly of the atrocious fiend, twisting and stabbing at Jane's gut.
"NOW!" Bella shouted at me over her shoulder. Somehow, I knew what I had to do.
With the crossed dagger in my hand I leapt onto the back of the demon and plunged the sterling silver blade deep into her heart.
Her wings flapped as she flailed about my office, knocking me to the ground, spewing black blood and Satanic curses in every direction, but she was still alive.
Bella rushed to my side and helped me to my feet as she looked deep into my eyes.
"Only one thing will kill this creature for good," she whispered, closing her eyes as she rose up onto her toes. Curling her delicate arms around my neck, she pressed her soft, sweet angel's lips to mine.
Hauling her to my body, I deepened the kiss, laving my tongue inside of her mouth as the she-devil Jane wailed in agony.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Jane screamed. She was trying to wrench the blade from her chest, but as I kissed Bella more thoroughly, the cross sank deeper into her chest. True love drove the metal farther into her cold black heart.
Light exploded around Bella and I as the demon-spawn that was Jane disappeared into oblivion, leaving only a charred spot on the carpet where she met her death.
"Bella, I love you," I sighed, holding her perfect, angelic face in my hands.
"Edward!" Jane barked, breaking Edward out of his trance. "Did you hear a word I said?"
"Hmmm? Oh sorry Jane, my bad, I was thinking about work. Is Bella back yet?"
"You did NOT just ask me about her!" Jane seethed.
"What?" Edward tossed his hand in the air. "I asked if my assistant, who was out getting lunch, was back yet," Edward lashed, clearly done with Jane's deplorable behavior. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"I came to have lunch with my boyfriend," Jane huffed.
Edward squeezed the bridge of his nose. Jane's infantile antics were gnawing at his wit's end.
"Jane, I have a lunch meeting," he said calmly, trying to keep his cool. "I'm sorry, but you should have called." Edward stood and opened his office door, all but ushering Jane out.
"You just want to have lunch with her," Jane raged.
"Yes, Jane, you caught me. Bella and I are having a torrid affair over lunch everyday, right here in my office," Edward said sarcastically, rolling his eyes, trying his best to make it sound as if the very thought was the last thing on his mind, when truthfully he hoped for nothing less.
"I don't know what your fascination is with that mousy little worm but I've about had enough of it," Jane fumed. She stomped out of the office, blowing past Leah's desk, her anger building the entire elevator ride down.
As she strode through the main lobby she saw Bella across the street, carting a greasy bag in her hand.
Jane decided she was going to give her a piece of her mind, once and for all, as she pushed through the glass doors of the large building.
Bella waited to cross the street, toting a bag with two greasy cheeseburgers and fries for her and Edward's lunch. The wretched harpy, lizard alien, puffed up, demon bitch Jane burst out of the office building's front doors and glared at Bella.
"Shit," Bella muttered under her breath as she stepped off of the curb.
Jane stood with her hands on her bony hips and glared at Bella accusingly.
"What's the matter? Did someone shit in your lettuce patch this morning?" Bella asked. She crossed the street, not breaking stride, intent on walking right past Jane and into the building.
"Wait," Jane said, stepping in Bella's path and stopping her on the curb, "I want to talk to you." Jane's voice crackled in her usual uber-bitch timbre.
"I have nothing to say to you, Jane," Bella said, moving to walk around her.
Jane sidestepped, blocking Bella's path again and sticking a skinny finger in Bella's face. "I know what you're up to," she accused.
Bella sighed. "Jane, I have no idea what the Hell you are talking about. Now, would you please get your skinny ass out of my way?"
"How dare you talk to me like that!" Jane seethed. "Edward is just too nice and doesn't see you for the manipulative little man-stealing bitch that you really are!"
Jane continued to rant at Bella, right out there on the street, berating her in front of God and everyone.
Looking over Jane's shoulder, Bella saw the giant bus approaching at a pretty good clip as it appeared it didn't need to stop anywhere in front of this building.
Bella maneuvered her body and Jane followed, making sure she was in Bella's face the entire time she was cutting her character to shreds.
As the bus approached, careening at a good forty miles per hour, Bella waited until just the right moment as she raised her hand to Jane's chest.
"What on earth do you thing you're doing?" Jane raged, looking down at Bella's hand as if it were some vile thing.
The giant bus sped closer and Bella reared back her arm, giving Jane a good shove between her almost-boobs and pushing her right into the path of the mass transit vehicle.
Jane's arms wheeled around as she tumbled backward, shrieking curses at Bella until the bus collided with her body with a juicy splat..
Everyone on the street stopped where they were and broke out into a roaring applause. People hung out of every office window with excited whistles and hoots of joy.
The darkened sky opened up and sunshine bathed everything in the city as Bella turned on her heel with an enormous smile on her face.
"My bad," she sang as she skipped through the giant glass doors of the Masen office building.
~Leah~ This Moment by: Disturbed
~Emmett~ Click Click Boom by: Saliva
~Alice & Madison~ Sweet Black Magic by: Downtown Moneywasters
~Edward~ So Happy by: Theory of a Deadman
~Bella~ Slippin' on Straight Away by: Downtown Moneywasters
~Jane~ Don't Want Her to Stay by: Hot Action Cop
Thank you so much for reading and thank you to the glorious vjgm for hosting the fantabulous crackfic contest!! You rock the hardest my fic Mama! *MWAH*
Check the tunage if you don't know it, Google is your friend!