Beam us down, Scotty! Part Four

Kirk was cornered. Fifteen Klingons had surrounded him and were all pointing their phasers in his direction. Kirk wondered vaguely what ridiculous succession of coincidences the script-writers had cooked up to get him out of this one. Just then, a meteor struck the leader on the head, and several bolts of lightning miraculously hit at just the right places to wipe out all of the other Klingons. Kirk wiped his fevered brow. For a second there, he'd actually imagined that the manager could be having him done away with! A ridiculous notion. Reaching for his communicator, Kirk reflected. He should have known! Freak weather conditions occurring on barren planets were a particular favourite of said script writers, and although generally they were used to kill off redshirts, they could still be used if the Captain ran aground of a very tight situation.

Kirk flipped open the communicator and the lid shot off its hinges and flew through the air, crashing down on a particularly jagged rock and consequently snapping in two. Kirk ignored this particular malfunction of props and spoke into the communicator.

"Transporter room?"

"Transporter room, Scott here."

"Scotty, beam me up!"

There was a whirring sound and Kirk materialised in the transporter room.

"Welcome back to the Enterprise, Captain." Scotty said, wringing his hand as though he'd just survived a life threatening situation. Then Kirk realised, he had just survived a life threatening situation!

"That will be quite adequate, Scotty." said Kirk, attempting to prise Scotty's hand away in order to make his way to the bridge.

"Oh, er, sorry Captain." said Scotty, suddenly realising what he was doing.

"That's quite all right, Mr. Scott." and with that he left the room.

Kirk appeared on the bridge

"Captain." said Spock, immediately swooping over to him "I have taken the liberty of analysing my tricorder readings and have come to the conclusion that aside from Klingons, the inhabitants of this planet are comprised mainly of other life forms. These life forms are life, Jim, but not as we know it!"

"This must be a record!" said McCoy, miraculously appearing on the bridge unasked for, as was custom at such times of discovery. "We must have discovered hundreds of new life forms 'as never known before' over the years!"

"Yes, Spock!" said Kirk, joining in the jibe. "You must say that at least once an episode and…"

he began to count them up "Well there're 29 in the first season…26 in the second…now how may in the third…that makes 73 in total. So that's at least 73 new types of life forms. Not bad. Not to mention the films…"

"Yes, yes, I get the picture." Spock snapped back.

"Anger Spock?" said Kirk whipping round "Isn't that a human emotion."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Now." said Kirk in an orderly manner "I'm sending down a landing party to investigate these life forms."

"Scotty, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Uhura…oh and a few redshirts report to transporter room ready for beam-down."

Kirk looked agitatedly around himself.

"Where's a clock?" he snapped irately.

"Illogical, Captain, we do not possess any clocks in Star Trek."

"Oh." Kirk rolled up his sleeve and glanced surreptitiously at a wristwatch that was concealed there.

"Why aren't those redshirts here? They should have arrived by now."

"Captain, to answer that question logically, I shall require sufficient factual evidence on which to base my hypothesis."

McCoy shot a dirty look at Spock.

"Well don't just stand there, Bones, let's get down to security!" said Kirk in disbelief.

'Down at security' it was pandemonium.

"I'm not going down there, you are!" screeched one particularly paranoid individual.

Kirk observed one redshirt climbing on top of a cupboard and refusing to come down again.

"This is ridiculous, it's a suicide mission!" one cried, his voice breaking into a shriek. He consequently died of a shortage of breath.

"All right Kirk." started a particular revolutionary

"If you're so ready for us to die, you put on a red shirt and go down there, you wouldn't last five minutes."

Kirk supposed that he should take this as a compliment as many redshirts were dead within seconds. As he was contemplating this particular thought, a giant explosion suddenly occurred, wiping out everyone wearing a red shirt, which was everyone with the exception of Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

Kirk sighed and stepped onto the transporter mat. Reaching for his communicator he called.

"Beam us down, Scotty!"