Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Star Trek. Otherwise I probably would not be stressing about failing exams.

Warnings:Um...Adult language (I guess) and uh Slash. oh and Child abuse and general domestic abuse.

A/N: I wrote this for LoveWithoutLimitsshe wanted someone to fill two of her prompts on LiveJournal (she goes by Sarahnix). She then posted this under and anonymous writer and then we decided i should post it here so i could get some credit. (I was happy for her to have it on her proffy, but whatever). This is the second one.

A/N2: I really couldn't think of a better title...it is like midnight

A/N3: This is only meant to be a oneshot but I might write more if i feel like it...maybe not. I dont really know where to go with it. Part of me says ANGST GALORE and the other says be nice. I'll think about it.


A puff of breath, let out in an attempt to cool down and focus on his work, went unheard among the talking around him. Uhura was translating a message they had received not long ago, Spock stood at her shoulder frowning at the screen, Sulu and Chekov were arguing over some schematics. To be honest, Jim felt that they were all far too loud and they should shut the hell up, the damn consistent hum was doing nothing to help his headache.

Deep breath in through his nose and slowly out through his mouth. To be perfectly honest, not that he would admit it to anyone, he felt absolutely crap, but no one would find out, especially Bones as the man had been adamant he did a load of extra tests when they had returned from their mission but he had made a stupid excuse (he had a feeling it was his cactus needed watering).

"Captain?" Uhura asked and he looked at her and she indicated him to look at her screen. He stood and he felt bile rise in his throat and his eyes rolled in his head causing his eyelids to snap shut. He felt arms wrap around his chest as a hard body against his back.

"Bones" he chocked as the vomit rose and he swallowed chocking it back. He felt his eyes burn with tears and lead his head on the shoulder behind him, the smell was Sulu, the only one who had been close to his chair when he had stood.

"James look at me" Spock said and Jim felt him move closer he tried to open his eyes but he couldn't and salty tears rolled down his face a few catching in his mouth. His body got heavier and he sobbed, unable to help it. He could feel the darkness closing in on him and he was strangely afraid of it. He hadn't been afraid of the dark since he had met Bones. He sometimes joked that the man was his light in the dark. He gave a whimper and tried to call for Bones but his tongue was too heavy. He vaguely registered Spock sending out an emergency call for Bones and felt something cool on his back. He flinched and whimpered.

"You'll pay for that! I'll make sure you never do that again! What were you thinking?" Jim whimpered as he felt his stomach clench as he was hit and he gurgled the vomit, he was rolled on his side and he screamed as hot white pain filled his senses. A piece of metal, which had been held over the bonfire his step father had burning in the garden, was pressed against his back and he bit his lip until he tasted blood, it would be worse if he screamed. "That will teach you, you worthless piece of shit! Stupid Bastard, even your dad knew you were trouble that's why he killed himself! Oh look at the mighty James Kirk...son of a bastard! James Kirk..."

"James?" the voice felt closer and a cool gentle hand was put on his head "Jim? Open your eyes for me?"

"'On's" he chocked

"Shh, I'll have you better in no time" the gentle man said stroking his hair. "Can you open your eyes?" he tried but only sobbed and coughed, they rolled him over again so he didn't chock on his tongue or vomit.

"'ones!" he cried and was shushed again, gentle hands all over him so cool against his over hot skin. "Bones! Stay!" he sobbed as the hands pulled away the dark was returning. "Pwease" he sobbed harder as the darkness got stronger, tighter, and closer. The gentle voice was getting further away and panic bubbled in his chest. "Too dark!"


"Shh Jim darling, just stay quiet, just stay in your room no matter what you hear you have to promise me to stay in your room, just stay here and everything will be ok" tears ran down his moms cheeks and he wanted to run away with her, take her away and protect her. "Promise me"

"I promise" he whispered and she nodded kissing his forehead before tucking him and leaving shutting the door tight. Within five minutes of the shouts and jeers he had moved to under his bed, curled up around his mom's teddy taking deep breaths of her scent. He whimpered when his mom screamed and the laughs got louder.


Spock wrapped his arms tightly around Uhura as she gave a surprised scream and sobbed as they watched their captain fit, blood seeping from his nose and vomit from his mouth. McCoy worked to get him stable and called up some nurses from the medical bay.

It took him five minutes to get Jim stable and Bones felt his heart tug painfully at the pitiful sight. "Get him on a stretcher and get him into a bed ASAP" he said keeping his hand in Jim's white, clenched hand. "He'll be ok" he said weakly to Uhura before running along with his nurses.

"You should get some rest" Bones forced his eyes open and his head up from his desk to see Sulu leaning on the wall watching him with blue eyes.

"Why are you here?"

"Just changed 'shift' with Spock watching the Captain."

"How is he?"

"Still in pain, the nurses have topped him up but he keeps whimpering and talking, his heart rate is everywhere."

"No change then" he said bitterly

"You'll figure it out" Bones sighed before nodding and stood stretching. He left his office with Sulu following and he left after seeing Bones go to Jim's side room.

"You should get some sleep, in bed" Spock said looking over him.

"Not until he's better"

"You are a better doctor when you are rested." He murmured

"You can leave, I'll watch him" Spock looked over him before standing.

"Perhaps I may take something for Uhura? She is having trouble sleeping."

"Yeah, sure tell the nurses I gave you permission" Spock nodded and walked out. Bones sighed and climbed into the bed after kicking off his shoes. He held Jim to his chest and his eyes drifted shut, Jim was quite for once.

He hated mornings! It was a well known fact that James T Kirk was not a morning person. Well, well known to anyone who had woken up with him in the morning and Bones because Bones was Bones and knew everything, he also had to put up with an hour of being a pillow whilst he was awake. He sighed and made his way through the halls ignoring everyone around him.

"Jim!" Bones called him and he stopped and turned to face the man who walked up to him.

"You weren't in bed" he whispered so others couldn't hear them.

"Yeah, we have to talk"


"Well...we can't be together any more; I have more important people to be with. Not...you" he sneered looking over him and Jim chocked.


"Dr McCoy! Captain Kirk's fitting!" Bones swore and ran from his office and to the side room before giving him a hyprospray and staring at the monitors waiting for him to calm.

"He's stopped breathing!" Bones almost stopped breathing as well when the monitors showed no output.

"Alright start CPR and get the paddles" he ordered moving around to the other side of the bed, sometimes the old fashioned way was the best. He switched to auto pilot as they worked and barely heard the call of 'clear' before he took the paddles when nothing happened. They beeped when they were charged and he called for clear as well before placing them and shocking the man. He gasped as he was thrown back into the wall but was relieved to hear them announce they had output and a stronger pulse. He felt hands trying to sort him out but he let the darkness over take him.

Jim sobbed as he rocked himself, he wanted it all to stop, the flashbacks, the memories, and he needed it to stop. Bones didn't want him anymore and now he had no light in the dark. He pulled at his hair with a sob, he wanted Bones, a Bones who loved him and held him. He had tried everything but nothing worked.

He jumped as arms wrapped around him shushing him. "It's alright Jim"

"BONES!" he spun and pushed himself away "no, no you're not real, you don't want me, go away." He sobbed pushing himself into a corner, well away from Bones, deeper into the current darkness.

"Jim" he soothed "Jim you were infected on your mission. The virus traps you in your head and makes you 'see' things and relive them"

"You're lying, you're lying. If you were telling the truth then how are you here? In my head!" Bones looked around then gave him a grin, on that made Jim want to give into anything the man wanted.

"Just as empty as I expected" He teased and Jim sobbed with a laugh.

"I'm so tired Bones" he whispered

"I know, but you can't sleep" he rocked him softly when he crawled into his lap. "I think if you go to sleep your body dies, that's how I'm here, I think. I was resuscitating you, shocking you and was shocked myself; don't ask me how it works."

"Just grin and accept it?" Jim murmured into his chest and Bones nodded

"What have you done to yourself you silly bugger" he whispered seeing the marks of hyposprays

"Wanted it to stop, no more Bones, please"

"I don't know what to do love" he sighed kissing his temple.

"You slept beside me" he whispered feeling familiar warmth


"That's when the memories are good" he whispered again

"Don't sleep Jim" Bones reminded him stroking his hair.

"But you're so warm, it's so cold here Bones"

"I know" Jims breathing suddenly spiked and colour swirled in the darkness

"No, no, no, no" he whimpered tucking himself into a ball and Bones watched in horror as Jim was pulled from him and put in place of a child Jim who was hiding under the dining table as two adults argued but they couldn't see Jim.

"Jim this isn't real, it's a memory" he whispered joining his younger than normal lover. "Just a memory" he soothed holding him.

Bones shot up with a gasp as he felt the heavy feeling of his body return.

"Whoa!" one of his nurses gave a startled scream. "You scared me"

"Sorry!" he called as he jumped from the bed and ran to Jim's room, the man was still the same but he relaxed when Bones laid beside him.

"Shh" he whispered to his lover stroking his hair "Just memories, just memories" he murmured "They aren't real" Jim twitched slightly and Bones smiled there was still a small hope.

Verdict? Am I guilty of killing the hope and dreams of everyone?