Author's Chapter Notes:

Poor John, it's a horrid feeling when you discover that your children are more educated in sex than you are and that they have more experience!

In the second half John's speech is in italics to make it easier to follow who's saying what! (I hope)

The Birds and The Bees

The boys exchanged glances, Sam in particular with a 'heard it but I don't believe it' look on his face.

"What?" John looked between the two of them.

"Sam just asked if he can go away for the day with one of his friend's parents, that you've never met, and you just agreed?" Dean's look changed to suspicion. "Should I be reaching for the holy water?"

Sam was up. "Don't care. Possessed or not….I'm outta here." He started to grab the stuff he'd need for a day down at the beach with his best friend and his family as his brother and father continued to stare at one another.

An easy grin broke over John's face. "I just thought that with Sam off out for the day, we could get a chance to talk."

Dean's look of suspicion deepened and a little fear crept in underneath it." Talk? About what?"

Sam stopped. "This should be good. What do you want to talk to him about that you'd want me out of the road for?"

John's face flushed. "Just stuff." This was a moment that he had been dreading since forever. He'd rather face down a Wendigo than do this, but, it had to be done. A little earlier than he'd thought mind.

Sam wasn't the brightest kid in his class for nothing. "Ooooh, you're gonna have that talk with him."

Dean turned to his brother and then looked back to his dad, his expression horror-struck. "Really, we're good. I don't need that talk." He wondered if it was him or if the room had just become uncomfortably hot. He played with the collar on his t-shirt.

"Apparently….," John lifted the box that he found stashed in his son's duffle, "… do."

"You went through my stuff!" Dean's face colour deepened and Sam started to head for the door. Arguments were a way of life in his family, but a John and Dean argument? That was rare and usually, ugly.

"I was putting your laundry in."

"They….," Dean stood and snatched the box from his father's hand, "….weren't exactly lying on the top!"

"Teach you not to wait and wash everything you own in one go then, won't it!"

"I didn't have money for two loads!" Dean realised that he was now waving a box of condoms at his father and shoved them into his pocket. "Besides, doesn't me having these show that I don't need you to sit me down and talk about….you know?"

"If you can't say the word you shouldn't be doing the act! In fact, your fifteen you shouldn't be doing anything at all!"

There was a stony silence in the room as father and son stared at each other.

"They're probably just for show, lots of the older guys in the school have them on them." Sam tried to back his brother up. "They use them for…," Sam made a gesture with his hand which caused his father to choke. "….you know….less mess."

"Sam!" Dean rolled his eyes and hissed at him. "Not helping here."

His brother wasn't to be put off. "I know you do that, I found one in the bin in the bathroom after I dropped the toothpaste in it by accident. Totally gross by the way!" Sam shouldered his bag as he spoke realising that the time for a getaway might be fast approaching as his brother's face changed from an angry red to a fetching shade of purple.

John's stare was actually eating into Dean's skin now. "Is that why you always take the trash out every morning?"

Dean's colour changed again and Sam couldn't help compare him with a chameleon, except his brother wasn't blending into the background, no matter how much he wished he could.

"Not every morning." Dean's voice was a low mutter.

"Yeah, just the ones where he uses all the hot water jerking off in the shower." Sam's mouth seemed to have forgot for the moment that he was supposed to be on his brother's side.

"Do not!" And there was the colour change again.

Sam smiled. "Yeah you do…I can hear you." He walked over and banged the wall for effect.

His brother looked like a distressed goldfish, gasping for air as his face morphed into a colour that Sam didn't even think there was a word for. Dean's ability to speak seemed to have been stolen from him by his brother's little enlightening piece of information. He wanted to die.

John turned to Sam. "Do you want to stay for the talk too?"

"No sir!" He quickly turned to leave but stopped with his hand on the door, giving Dean one last little look. He didn't envy his brother this talk, not with John now in a mood. Dean just gestured to the door with his head and Sam nodded, then left.

Dean gave the thought of just bolting a moment of serious consideration and then he realised that his dad would just come and hunt him down if he did. He sat on the bed and refused to meet John's eyes. "So what do you want to say to me?"

John sighed, a little of his anger deflating. Walking over he sat down next to his son and tried to think of a way to start this that wouldn't lead them straight into an argument. "What your brother said, is that what you're using these for?" He gave up a silent prayer for the answer to be yes, he'd take natural urges over natural acts any day and today in particular.

The long pause before Dean spoke told him the answer before the words did. "Not all of them."

It was as close to a confession that John was going to get. "Oh."

"They talked to us about this stuff in school you know. You don't have to do this. I'm being careful. I promise." Dean was playing with the ring on his finger, twisting it, a sure sign that he was nervous.

John stayed the movement by placing his hand over his son's. "I know, your responsible. I get that Dean, but you're only fifteen. At your age I didn't even have a girlfriend, hadn't even really kissed let alone… know."

"Had sex? If you can't say the word…..remember."

John smiled at that. "Well since I'm not the one that's doing the act…"

John could almost feel the heat radiating off Dean's face. They sat in silence again for a moment or two and then Dean had to ask. "You hadn't even really kissed someone at fifteen? What were you, a monk? I thought the sixties were all like, free love? Did you miss out on that somehow?"

"My parents were kinda strict. They didn't believe in sex outside of marriage and I was kinda scared of my mother." John laughed at the memory of his own father trying to give him this talk with his mother inputting into it from the kitchen.

Dean turned to him then. "Wait, so you fought in a war and yet you were too scared of your mother to get to home base with a chick?"

"You never met my mother! You think I'm bad, think Hitler compared to Attila the Hun."

Dean grinned. "Wow, worse than you, glad I didn't get to meet her." Another thought crossed his mind. "So like you and mom…." God was he really going there? He had to know, now that the thought was eating at him. "You guys never like….you know….before you got married?"

John coughed down his embarrassment. "No, we never."

Dean let that sink in "Wow, but you guys did kiss and….things?" Why are you still asking about this?

"Yeah Dean, we kissed…..," John lent into him, "….and things." He nudged his son's shoulder gently. "Anyway, we seemed to have got off the subject slightly here, which I believe was your sexual experiences not my lack of them."

"God dad, do you have to put it like that?" Dean groaned.

"What? Ok, so let me put it this way, what chicks have you been banging?" John bit back the laugh that wanted out at his son's mortified face, reminding himself that this was a serious conversation.


"You started it. So not all of the condoms in the box were used with your right hand. I want names….and ages, and unlike you they'd better all be over sixteen."

John waited.



"She's older than sixteen."



"She at school with you?"




"How much older than sixteen Dean?"

"Not much."



"Who is she?"



"Remember the waitress in the diner that was flirting with you?"




"You sent me to get dinner the other night and I told you it had to be cooked from scratch, and that was why I was late?"

"You lied to me?"

"No. It's just that the diner was quiet and we had twenty minutes to spare….."



"In the restroom stall."

John breathed in. "Was that the first time?"

"With her?"

"There's been others?"

"Two others."


"Times or women?"

"Women. In this town."

"So how many times?"

"With her, in this town or in general?"


John's head hurt. "All of the above."

Dean coughed. "Twice, three woman and I don't really know…."


"You don't know?"

"A few?"

"Define that. Ballpark figure. Ten, twenty, thirty?"

"More than ten, not quite twenty."


"Times or women?"

Dean rubbed at his neck. "Women."



"Did you always use protection?"





"You're right. We don't need to have this talk."

Chapter End Notes:

Written purely to give myself and my friend a little laugh. Hope it gave you a laugh too. Mary xx