A/N: This is my 69th story. It has to be perverted.

"Did you ask Jay why he wanted you to come over so late?"

"No, I didn't have enough time. He just called me and told me to bring over paint before he hung up."

"That's not like Jay," Adam frowned.

"That's exactly like Jay." Mack hefted her packet of acrylic paints more comfortably in her arms. It was practically midnight, and Jay's front yard had one tiny light above his stupid Buddha statue. Mack almost broke her neck getting to the door. "Can you open that for me? My hands are full."

Adam switched the blank canvas he had to his other hand and pushed it open, holding it with his fingertips as she slid past him.

"Jay?" Mack headed into the kitchen, spotting Kaitlyn on the couch. "Where is he?"

"Who?" she asked distractedly.

"Your boyfriend."

"Oh." She pointed in the vague direction of his movie room, eyes never straying from the TV. She popped a piece of popcorn in her mouth. "He's in there."

"Do you know why he wanted me to bring paint over?"

"How should I know? Ask Felix, I'm sure he's told him." Kait glared at Adam when he flopped next to her, arm on the back of the couch, hand already in the bowl of popcorn. "Get your own."

"I would, but Mack won't let me eat it."

"She's got the right idea." Kait poked his side. "Maybe you should listen to her."

"Kait, you're so beautiful in the moonlight."

"Oh, go fuck yourself." She shoved the bowl in his lap. "Have your stupid popcorn."

"Flattery always works." He winked and started eating.

Kait moved closer to the edge of the couch, pulling her legs up. She glanced at MacKenzie. "Are you just going to stand there or are you gonna go in?"

Mack bit her knuckle. "He's... talking in there. Is he alone?"

"Is he ever alone? The cats are with him."

"Oh." Mack glanced back down the hallway, then started slowly toward the door at the end. She knocked. "Jay?"

"Be a good boy for daddy, that's right," he cooed.

She knocked harder. "Jay."

"Daddy's gotta fix your bow, yes, he does."

Mack rolled her eyes and turned the knob, pushing the door open roughly. "Jay, I—Jesus Christ!"

Jay looked over and smiled. "Hey, you're here!" He frowned. "Where's your paint?"


"Oh, I'm posing. I need something over the TV." He turned toward the wall and spread his hands wide for a visual. "Something majestic. Homey."

"So you opted for a nude portrait of yourself."

"Not just myself. With my cats, of course!"

"That's called bestiality, Jay. I will not support this."

"I'm not gonna pose nude with my cats." He smiled easily. "Jeesh. What kind of weirdo do you take me for?"

"You're standing there. With no clothes. Surrounded by cats. In bonnets."

"Mickie is wearing a bonnet because she's a girl. Felix has a boulder hat on."

"Bowler hat, Jay."

"That's what I said. And Oscar," Jay bent down to pick him up.


He came back up with the struggling cat. "Oscar is the baby because he likes to be pampered. Don't you, Oscy! You're a good boy, Oscar, yes you are!"

The cat meowed loudly and clawed his way out of Jay's grip.

Jay grinned sheepishly at her. "Oscar's scared of people. He doesn't usually act like that."

"Right, Jay."

"Hey, Jay, Kait and I want to watch Shawshank Redemption, where's your—" Adam stopped directly behind Mack. It was silent for a moment. "...I don't know if I'm okay with this."

"How do you think I feel?" Mack sighed tiredly.

Adam's hands fell on her shoulders. "Is Jay... Was he flashing you before I came in here?"

"How can he flash me when he's completely naked?"

His hand slowly inched up, covering her eyes. "Okay, I've decided I'm not okay with this."

"She's painting a portrait of me." Jay pointed. "For the wall."

"In the nude?"

"What's the matter with a man expressing pride in his own body?"

"When the man's surrounded by cats," Mack piped up.

"The cats aren't going to be in the naked one," he hissed quickly. He put his hands on his hips, turning toward the chairs. "If only I had a couch."

"If only."

"Then we could do some sort of Titanic portrait." Jay pursed his lips, tapping his palm just below his neck. "Though I don't have the Heart of the Sea just lying around either..."

"Are you high?"

Jay looked over at Adam. "No, actually. At least, not yet."

Adam uncovered Mack's eyes to cover his own. "God, the one hall pass he had. If he was high, this would be close to acceptable."

Kait side-stepped Adam. "What's going on?"

Mack blinked at Kait, and when she did nothing, she pointed at Jay. "Jay's naked."

Kait nodded, then looked up at Adam. "Did you find the movie?"

Adam just gaped at Kaitlyn.

She flapped her hand at him. "I'll find it myself."

Adam and Mack watched as Kaitlyn calmly went around the room, searching in various places, while Jay paced the length of it, muttering to himself about the lighting and the way the cats were behaving.

"Found it!" Kait held up the DVD. "Ready to watch?"

"Okay, I'm ready!" Jay held up his hands, then dropped to the floor, throwing his leg over the other one, propped up on one elbow. He looked like a creepy Romance novel cover.

Adam pointed at him. "But... I—"

Kait grabbed his hand, pulling him out of the room. "Don't worry about him. He'll find a way to entertain himself."

"I don't want him to find a way to entertain himself while he's naked in there with my girlfriend!"

"Please. It's Jay."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

"How's my angle? Can you see everything?"

Mack let out a shaky breath. "Yeah. You can see... everything..."

"Good. I want my Scarface action figure in the background."

"I already got it, Jay."

He sat up quickly. "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE—"

"Lie down! You're gonna mess this up."

He resumed the same position he'd been in before. "So you know what would be awesome?"

"If I had some weed and you had some clothes on?"

He smiled. "No, silly. It'd be awesome if you painted this portrait on the wall in the portrait, so the picture in the portrait had the portrait in that portrait, and in that portrait is that—"

"I get it, Jay. Trippy."

He nodded. "I like it. It makes you wonder."

"I think this portrait as a whole will make people do that."


"Oh, yeah."

Jay stared off for a moment. "You wanna know what I always wondered?"

"What, Jay?"

"Why I don't not wear clothes more often."

"I can give you three good reasons—"

"I mean, really. I feel so free! I could just get up and do an Irish Jig right here!"

"Please... Please don't."

"You know what I mean? If I could live the rest of my life like this, I'd be happy."

"So would Kait. But the rest of us would suffer."

"Why? Do you not appreciate the perfection that is my body?"

"I appreciate it in clothes."

"My body's a temple, you know."

"THAT'S IT!" Mack threw her brush down. "I can't stand this anymore. Put some fucking clothes on, grab your goddamn cats, and I'll paint a fucking portrait of that."

"What? Mack, I want—"

"I don't care what you want! What I want is for you to be clothed and covered in cats! What I don't want is to paint your... your..."

"Have Kaitlyn paint it."

"Kaitlyn will draw two circles at the open end of a horseshoe."

He laughed slightly. "That's good enough."

"That's disturbing! I won't support this anymore, I won't."

"But, Mack—"

"No buts!" Mack grimaced. "Literally."

Jay stood up in a huff. "Fine. But I'm only wearing a robe."

"Just wear something!"

Jay came back in a robe, as promised, but it was a short one at that, and leopard print. He had a red ascot around his neck and a snifter of brandy in his hand.

Mack shook her head. "Dear God."

"Quite a nice evening we're having," he said properly, sitting down on the floor.

"No, Jay, let's go... Go sit in your movie star chair."

"Oh, good idea!" He shot up and ran to the other side of the room, settling into his director's chair. Mickie immediately leapt up into his lap and settled down. "Aw, Mickie!"

"Don't disturb her!" Mack set up her paint quickly. "The cat actually likes you for once, don't push your luck."

"Get Felix in this. I want Felix in this."

"Jay, we don't—"


"All right!" Mack went to grab the angry cat, winding it around Jay's neck, just as he'd instructed. "Are you good now? Can I start this?"

He took a sip of brandy, immediately spewing it out. "Dude! What is in this?"

"It's brandy."

Jay wiped his sleeve against his tongue repeatedly, eyes red. "Ish nashty!"

"Yes, it is. And you knew that, because you don't like brandy."

"It's burning my esophagus." He shuddered. "Okay, I think I'm good."


"Wow, we're done, already?"

"No! I—Jay, are you retarded?"

"My momma always said I was jus' spay-shul."

"It looks awesome!" Jay stood with his hands on his hips, admiring the painting hanging over his TV. "Go get Kait and Adam!"

"Jay, it's nine-thirty in the morning. Adam probably went home and Kait's asleep, so if you don't mind, I'd like to—"

"Call Chris! Call Cody, Call Becky! CALL EVERYONE!"

"Stop yelling."

"I need to have a party. A release party!"

"You'd have to go to the psych center before you have your release party, Jay."

"Will you do another painting?"


"Please? I want this one spray painted."

"I don't do spray paint art."

"Well... do you just wanna get high?"

"I want to go to sleep."

"Well, I don't!" Jay crossed his arms defiantly. "I want to get high and then admire my artwork."

"Call Jeff Hardy."

"Ew, why would I call Jeff Hardy?"

Kait suddenly popped up in the doorway. "Who's calling Jeff Hardy?"

Adam was right behind her. "You're not calling Jeff Hardy, are you?"

"I wasn't calling Jeff Hardy." Jay waited a beat, then threw his arms out toward the wall. "LIKE MY PORTRAIT?"

"I thought you were posing naked for it."

"Mack made me put on a robe."

She nodded. "I wouldn't draw his nether regions."

Kait pursed her lips. "I would've drawn it."

Jay pointed at Mack. "HA! I told you!"

"But it just would've been two circles and a horseshoe."

Mack smirked. "You were saying?"

"Oh, go call Jeff Hardy."

A/N: Told ya. Review.