Beta'd by: Sendintheclowns and BlueEyedDemonLiz
Summary: Sam tries to wrap his head around the information Dean learned from his trip back in time. Tag to In The Beginning
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
From: The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley
Sam sat outside the motel room, mind trying to grasp what Dean had shared with him about their mom. She was a hunter and had made a deal. In fact she made the 'first' deal that had started the damnation of the Winchester family.
He thought back to that night in Lawrence, Kansas, standing in his childhood home. His mom had come to him then, and said Sorry. At the time, he didn't understand why she had muttered those words to him, right before saving him.
It had haunted him for awhile and in the end he had decided that she was sorry for not being there for him and Dean as they grew up. Now he knew better.
She was sorry for forsaking him, giving his life to the demon in order to save John. It hurt but he could forgive her for that. Mary had made that deal under circumstances that no one but a Winchester could understand. It was in their nature to make deals to save family.
Only Mary didn't get the terms of her deal. She didn't know and probably didn't want to know what she had agreed too. That night Mary had saved her family, and had damned it all in one breath.
Sam was pulled from his thoughts as Dean walked outside.
"Sam, what are you doing out here?" His brother lowered himself next to Sam.
"I was just thinking about Mom. Do you think her spirit wasn't at rest when we faced her in Lawrence?" Sam's brow knitted up in thought.
Dean sighed. "Probably. I hadn't thought about that."
Sam nodded. "Do you think by saving me that night, her spirit was able to move on?"
"I don't know Sam. I would hope she found some peace." Dean replied quietly.
"Yeah, me too. Because I don't blame her. I hope she knows that I forgive her for everything. She made that deal to save her family. Her motives were good." Sam could feel a weight lifting from him as he spoke the words he felt out loud. He understood his mother motives and secrets now that he had his own.
His mother made a deal with a demon to save her family and now Sam was using one to save his. It made Sam feel closer to Mary, not so alone.
Sam was pulled from his thoughts by his brother's rough emotion filled voice.
"I hope she knows we understand. It's really always been about family, hasn't it? We don't always make the right choices but we do it..."
Sam nudged his brother's shoulder with his. "For family."
For that moment, Sam felt like part of the Winchester family. Not a freak, not an outsider in need of revenge but a Winchester on his own path who was just in the need of forgiveness.
A/N: Amyblair won the Kazcon fanfiction contest and has posted her story- Travelling Riverside Blues- you guys should check it out. It's an awesome story and so deserving of the win!
A big thanks to Sendintheclowns and BlueEyedDemonLiz's help and support on this tag. :0)