Author's Note: Digimon belongs to Toei and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.
Perhaps not the best I've written, but I gave it a shot. I have another Bum Review lined up. So look out for it in future. And again if anyone's read my previous Bum fic, please excuse the Michael Jackson jokes. I have all respect for him, always.
And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
Digimon: The Movie
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! In fact, it was four movies put into one. Yes, FOUR movies!"
"And you know what they say: great trilogies come in threes, and four movies…um, I'm not sure."
"Movie Number One!"
"There's this kid named Angela Anaconda, and she looks like a cheap cutout from 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. She's-"
"Oh, wait a minute. This wasn't part of that Digimon movie, was it? Oh, silly me!"
"Movie Number Two!"
"There's this kid named Taichi, who has a baby sister named Hikari, and she looks like a super-cute Rugrat!"
"Aaawww, coochie coochie coo!"
"But not quite as cute as Kimi Finster."
"So Hikari's staring mindlessly at a computer checking her baby mail, when suddenly this strange egg appears out of the screen. I didn't know computers could lay eggs! I didn't even know they could reproduce asexually. No wonder Steve Jobs is making so much money with Apple computers today. Every computer just keeps laying eggs that give birth to…more computers!"
"And maybe some adorable little iPods…just maybe…"
"So this egg hatches and there's a Digimon, which is basically a Pokémon…except it's digital. And it grows bigger and bigger until it digivolves into an overgrown Agumon, also known as Rosie O'Donnell. And it breaks free, rampaging through the streets on a midnight stroll."
"AAAHHH! Run for your lives, it's Rosie O'Donnell on the loose! And she's STILL hungry!"
"Moments before long, this giant orb appears out of nowhere from the sky, hatching ANOTHER Digimon."
"Rosie O'Donnell attacks this new flying Digimon, digivoling into Greymon, also known as Roseanne Barr."
"Do pardon me. I can't help it with these fat celebrity jokes sometimes. They're too funny."
"Roseanne gives her best performance reenacting another cardboard Godzilla movie, but gets knocked down…leaving Taichi and Hikari in tears, knowing that they won't be able to ridicule another famous obese woman like her again."
"But wait, there's more! Taichi blows Hikari's whistle as a dinner bell to wake Roseanne up and she unleashes her ULTIMATE attack with her BLINDING FIRE BREATH!"
"And no, that attack was NOT coming out of her ass."
"Then after that…um, she disappears apparently." The Bum scratched his head in confusion. "Yeah, I think she ate too much Thai food that night and I'm pretty sure her body couldn't contain it. So inevitably…she exploded…leaving Taichi and Hikari to put their fat jokes behind and grow up."
"Movie Number Three!"
"Taichi and Hikari are now joined with these new batch of kids, and united they are called the Chosen Children!"
"Or was it the Digidestined? I forget which."
"They tried other names like X-men, the Avengers, the Justice League and Watchmen, but they were all already taken. I think they once tried for something more subtle called the Get Along Gang, but that didn't really work out well."
"In fact, they got sued right up their asses…real badly. No joke."
"So anyway, each of these Digidestined have their own individual Digimon along with their own special crests."
"Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Lust, Pride, Envy and Wrath."
"Wow, these kids are pretty intense for their age…oh no, wait. I'm thinking of that other thriller movie I watched last night. Silly me, let's try that again!"
"Courage, Love, Friendship, Sincerity, Knowledge, Reliability, Hope and Light."
"Phew! That's more like it!"
"One of these Digidestined is a computer nerd named Izzy, whose real name is Koushiro…which sounds a lot like kosher!"
"I wonder if his family celebrates Hanukah."
"So Koushiro's illegally downloading movies on the Internet, until he discovers this STRANGE virus. I had a strange virus once, two even! One time I was in feathers clucking in a barn like a chicken, and the other time I was rolling in mud and grunting like a piggy. Yes, I caught the bird flu AND the swine flu, but survived and lived to tell the tale! I'm much better now…I hope."
"Taichi and Koushiro recruit their Digimon, Agumon and Tentomon, to fight against the evil Keramon, who kind of reminds me of an anorexic shaven Cookie Monster high on drugs…not cookies."
"Taichi tries to warn his friends about the new Digimon threat, but it just happens that most of them are far too busy with other things. One's attending a friend's birthday party, one's working off her tan at the beach, one's taking his school entrance exams and one's too plain stubborn to help at all because of a single hairclip given to her on her birthday."
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS?! Why can't they get their priorities straight when the whole world's at stake?"
"Chester, help me! My Digimon's trapped in the washing machine and I can't get him out!"
"Not now! Can't you see I'm doing a review here? So, as I was saying…"
"With a stroke of luck, Taichi gets hold of two of the Digiestined, Yamato and Takeru, also known as T.K.. What does T.K. stand for anyway? Sounds like some mental disorder. Does he have Down syndrome or something?"
"I know, maybe he's part of the DK Crew! That's it! Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Dixie Kong, Kiddy Kong and…Teeny Kong! I didn't know one of the Digidestined was a chimp! I bet he swings on trees, eats bananas, smashes barrels on evil Kremlings and throws his own feces at unsuspecting children!"
"Scratch that last part."
"But do you know what's really strange? He has this Digimon, called Patamon, who looks like an overweight Pikachu with flying ears…so of course, it's really a Pokémon…except digital!"
"I have no comment about Gabumon. He looks to me like a result of a drunk wolf and a drunk unicorn…or dinosaur…getting it on. I don't know how it happened and I don't want to know."
"So Agumon and Gabumon digivolve into their Mega forms, WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon, to stop the menacing Diablomon as it multiplies. So now Digimon can reproduce asexually too? Hmm…that explains why I don't come across any Digimon porn on the Internet."
"Digimon. Digital Porno. Digimon Is For Porno!"
"…um, did I just sing that out loud?"
"Anyway, Diablomon hacks his way into the Pentagon's computer systems and launches these nuclear missiles, one heading for Tokyo…"
"…and the other one heading for Walt Disney Studios."
"Well, that's not so bad."
"With ten minutes ticking on the clock, it's a race against time and WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon decide to bond together to form Omegamon!"
"Wasn't there a movie called 'The Omegamon' with Charlton Heston? Where the hell is HE in this movie? I guess he was too old to play the part."
"Would YOU want to let your kids see two Digimon evolve together and become an old and wrinkled actor?"
"I don't think so."
"So instead, he's been replaced by this caped crusader in shining armor who I think really needs to trim his toe nails."
"But seriously, how can this guy pick anything up? He's got this HUGE cannon for one arm and a HUGE sword for the other. Maybe he'd be better off working in Burger King."
"Fry those onion rings and slice those tomatoes, Omegamon! We're opening in less than ten minutes, and we have to get those hamburgers ready!"
"Yes, Master Bum."
"So Omegamon finally stops Diablomon, disabling the missiles…but I'm pretty sure Walt Disney still got destroyed."
"And Pixar lived on without them."
"Movie Number Four!"
"So now there's this new generation of Digidestined, led by this kid named Daisuke, but Hikari and the chimp are still in the team. They couldn't let Takeru off his leash that quickly. He's always good for a few laughs, now that he spends the whole movie wearing a paper hat."
"And it just so happens that this movie takes place in the US. The story goes that the old Digidestined are disappearing out of nowhere and it's up to the new team to find out the cause behind this phenomenon. Their answers lead them straight to this kid named Wallace."
"I thought Wallace was a bald guy who lived in the UK, inside a small English cottage with his animated clay dog called Gromit."
"Oh, I forgot the mention. There's this new girl called Miyako, who everybody refers to as Yolei, and every time I hear someone call her name, it makes me want to yodel."
"But seriously, the only catchy thing she can say is: perfecto!"
"How lame-o can you get?"
"So anyway, we find out that an evil Digimon…AGAIN…called Wendimon, has sealed the old Digidestined into this weird, twisted and Twilight Zone-y dimension, which I'm pretty sure is Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. They start ageing backwards until they all shrink into these tiny little sperm tadpoles…and then they go: poof!"
"Just kidding. They don't really go back that far…"
"Wendimon swipes Wallace's Terriermon, then he digivolves into this Ultimate form called CHERUBIMON, and starts de-aging Wallace and the new Digidestined because he wants to go back to the past!"
"Oh, so you mean when Bush was still President?"
"And there's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail."
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky."
"Or maybe he was thinking right back to Nixon's time?"
"I am not a crook!"
"Or maybe he was referring to that old tune I've been hearing from this angry video game guy…how does it go?"
"He's gonna take you back to the past, to play some shitty games that suck ass!"
"Well, actually this Digimon is a little ticked off with Wallace because he got separated from him years ago. So he decided to whisk away a bunch of kids and bring them over to the Neverland Ranch for Michael Jackson to play with."
"But don't worry. He didn't 'touch' any of them."
"So it ends with Cherubimon getting defeated and the old Digiestined are returned back to their homes safely. And after parting with his friends, Wallace returns to his home, but not before finding a Digi-Egg that washes up by the beach."
"So first we learn that Digimon don't have sex, their eggs come out of our computer screens and now we learn that they get reborn by washing up on our beaches?"
"HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY LOGICAL SENSE? You try to explain this to kids in a biology class and I bet you they'll be running up the walls and rolling around sleepless in their beds trying to figure out this whole Digimon life cycle."
"I don't remember what happened next in the movie, but I'm pretty sure Wallace cooked that Digi-Egg and ate it in the end…because that's what I would have done anyway! Fried and sunny side up! Just the way I like them."
"Oh, I'm so hungry now that I could eat a whole Digimon."
"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!"
Seriously though, 'Digimon: The Movie' was okay.
"…I'll trade you my box for your Digimon cards. In fact, you can have my clothes too!"