Sonic the Parody the Sequel
teh Most Awesomest High School fic Evar
Author's Notes: In continuation of Mystery001's genius parody style, I have endeavored to make a follow up story which picks up at the chilling revelation that Mephiles is still plotting something. This fic is in one way, a tribute to Mystery001, because at one point, he said that he considered High School fics "hands down, the most annoying type of fanfictions bar none."
I tend to agree with him. Anyways, as with the first Sonic the Parody, this is not meant to offend anyone, but rather to make a point, and hopefully, to entertain you. Thank you to S.T. Hedgehog for Beta-reading.
* * * * * *
Sonic the Hedgehog stretched, yawned, and got up out of his bed. Why does the story start with him sleeping and then have him wake up instead of simply starting when he is already awake?
Cause I'm the author, that's why.
He got up out of his bed, and went to go make himself some breakfast. After all it is the most important meal of the day, and it would be totally disastrous if the hero forgot to eat it and then had a confrontation with Eggman. Why, the very fate of the world could depend upon him eating his breakfast. Plus it made him feel really important to think this.
Now where was I? Oh yes, he was eating his breakfast, when he heard a knock on his door. The blue hedgehog swore and got up to answer it, infuriated that his important meal had been interrupted.
Never mind that he was supposed to be a caring and heroic individual, that it was entirely normal for someone to come knocking on your door at nine thirty in the morning. Never mind that it was actually rather unusual to eat breakfast so late, and that Sonic wasn't supposed to swear according to all the people that hated Shadow's game. He just decided to get pissed off.
Sonic opened the door to find Shadow standing there. Why Shadow would knock on his door when he was completely anti-social, we'll never know, but nonetheless there he was.
"What do you want Shadow, I'm trying to eat my breakfast!" Sonic yelled in his completely OOC voice.
"Have you checked the mail yet faker?" Shadow replied, not only completely unfazed by Sonic's anger, but also completely incapable of actually using his name.
"No, I don't just wake up first thing in the morning and check my mail at the crack of dawn!" Sonic replied, ignoring the fact that he'd slept in till after nine.
"Then you haven't seen this yet..." the ultimate lifeform turned vampire said grimly, as he produced a flyer from his pockets that he didn't have only a second ago.
As Sonic read the flyer, the author decided that rather than actually describing his reaction and detailing what the paper said, he would simply have Sonic go into a fit of rage, and starting raving about what it said.
Isn't that so much more convenient?
"What the hell? To whom it may concern, you are now by law required to attend High School?" Yep. Wouldn't you know that before, anthropomorphic animals weren't required to get an education as long as they saved the world on a regular basis.
But now thanks to those radical new Democrat politicians, change you could believe in had come, and everyone was required to go to school. Almost makes sense, huh?
"You will attend a school especially for Mobian-things starting tomorrow at eight o' clock!" Never mind that it was in the middle of July, or that schools especially for furries could be considered the return of segregation, but these politicians were revolutionizing everything. They even installed cable in the Capitol Building. I know, it's scary.
Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah, the flyer.
"What is this bull-crap?" Never mind that Sonic had just moments ago sworn, but conscious of the T rating the author was trying and rapidly failing to maintain, he quickly used a euphemism.
"They're sending us all to the same High School. I already checked with Knuckles, Blaze, Silver, Amy, and Rouge, and they all got one too." Shadow responded.
"Wait... aren't Blaze and Silver from the future... and aren't you like fifty years old?" Sonic said, bringing to light the impossible, yet completely genius plotline.
"Um... let's just say that I didn't behave myself the first time around," Shadow coughed, causing Sonic to shrug, which was mostly his response to everything. For example, two years ago when Metal Sonic had returned.
"Why can't I beat you?" Metal Sonic whimpered like a baby, while throwing a temper tantrum.
Sonic shrugged in response before racing off to go... somewhere.
Anyways, getting off topic.
"Damn it, this means I can't sleep in anymore. But what if Eggman decides to try some funny business." Sonic said, still unaware of the fact that he was discussing it with Shadow, who wasn't really his friend anyways.
"Oh well, it can't be that bad I guess." Shadow said in an unusually cheerful tone, mostly to make up for the fact that Amy wasn't present at the moment to be the optimistic character.
Then, because the author couldn't think of anything else to put in the conversation with Sonic and Shadow, he simply skipped ahead to the next day, when Sonic was again, asleep.
His alarm clock that he went and bought hadn't waked him up, mostly because he hadn't realized you had to set it.
Miraculously awakening just in time to see the bus pull up to his house, Sonic jumped up and began to get dressed. Half way through he realized that he didn't wear clothes, and began to undress.
Racing out into his kitchen, he ate the fastest breakfast mankind has ever witnessed. As I already said, a hero needs his breakfast. Racing out to the bus, he came out just in time for it to drive away like a totally cliché first day of school thing.
I'm so inventive.
He stood there for a moment, swearing and cursing every god and religion he'd ever heard of, probably damning himself to the deepest circle of Hell, before a thought occurred to him.
He could run faster than the bus could drive anyways.
How did he know where the school was? He'd gone on the internet and looked it up on Wikipedia. Did I forget to mention that? Oh well.
Racing to the school in no more than half a second, despite the fact that it had taken him five minutes to get out to the bus, he screeched to a stop, which didn't at all annoy the other students who were making there way into the building. It was National Wear Earplugs day, the third holiday instated that year after Shadow is Better than Sonic Day, and Hug Your Local Terrorist Day.
Bounding inside, he memorized his locker number, picked up all his text books, and zoomed to his first class all in less than a quarter of a millisecond, because Sonic is just that fast.
This fandom is so cool.
Anyways, Sonic found that by some weird twist of fate, despite the fact that they were all different ages and intelligence levels, all his friends were in the all the same classes with him. Yep, Amy, Knuckles, Shadow, Silver, Blaze, Rouge, Tails, and Cream were all sitting next to him, despite the fact that it was only physically possible for four of them to sit next to him at once.
They took rotations so that each of them could have exposure to his awesomeness.
Of course, all the other unimportant kids there already knew what a world renowned hero he was, and began worshipping him immediately.
No, literally they constructed an alter to him and began bowing down to it. Their teacher was late, and their was relative anarchy in the room, as will happen when there is no responsible adult present. After all, everyone knows that High Schoolers are all immature, uncivilized, brash, rude, unkept, smelly, disorganized, racist, unintelligent, drug using, irresponsible, promiscuous, perverted, vicious, evil, demon worshipping heathens who can't maintain an orderly society for a single moment without total and complete adult supervision.
See how a bazillion adjectives totally paints a picture of what I'm trying to say in your mind?
The teacher arrived in the middle of this ruckus, his expression one of surprise at the spectacle.… Which the author doesn't feel like describing.
Anyways, after much shouting and threatening of detention, the teacher managed to get the classroom relatively sane.
"Hello little kiddies. My name is Mr. Klienburgerausengliff, and I vill be your science teacher, ja," the teacher said in a thick German accent. Why a teacher in America in a school for furries would be an ethnic German, I don't know, but he just was, okay?
The teacher preceded to write his name up on the board, which consumed a good thirty seconds, since he messed up half way through and decided to rewrite the whole thing. After he had finished, he dusted off his hands and sat down at his desk.
"Please turn to page five thousand, four hundred and seventy two and a half in your textbooks." How a little girl like Cream could lug around a textbook containing at least five thousand pages, I don't know, and why they were starting that far back on the first day, I don't know either, but since you're so smarty pants, maybe you can figure it out.
I shut you up, didn't I?
Anyways, the class was boring and unimportant, cause learning and respect for the English language are stupid. Never mind that it was a Science class, I simply wanted to get my disrespect for my native tongue out of the way early.
Sonic left the boring class to go to his locker and hang out with his friends, because in this school, they had hour long breaks between classes. Forget that this would make school twelve hours long, it makes room for all the interactions, lemons, and fight scenes.
Anyways, Sonic was talking with his friends, when a mysterious new hedgehog walked up. Why is this important enough for me to tell you? You're about to find out.
"I am Mystery the Hedgehog, and I am not a totally obvious author insert! I use my awesome powers of alliteration to alter reality!" the hedgehog said to Sonic for no apparent reason. Oh, and before you even think of going and complaining, that power is totally not Gary-Stu, it's simply awesome.
"Really? Well I'm fast. What now?" Sonic responded.
"Uh, Sonic, you do realize that practically every character Sega has made since Big the Cat has been fast," Shadow snickered, completely ignoring Mystery.
"Shut up! I know that this school has only existed for three hours, but I am the bad to the bone leader of the local thug gang. We steal purses from old ladies, graffiti on bathroom stalls, and to top it off, we sometimes even pass notes about how dumb our teachers are, followed by a vicious spitball barrage!"
Gasp! Disrespect for authority! How dare they!
"Oh yeah? Well you won't get away with that!" Sonic replied, his super heroic and cocky nature surfacing all of the sudden and for no apparent reason other than bringing conflict between the two.
"Try to stop me, and I'll make you wish that you'd never woken up to come to school. Because that threat is totally scary!" Mystery warned, before rushing off to write fanfictions.
"Well that guy was an ass," Silver commented, a sentence that anyone could have said, but the author had to cover for the fact that he hadn't really planned out Silver's part in the story.
If there truly was a story to this mess at all.
Meanwhile, deep within the principal's office...
A creepy laugh resounded forth. Why are villains always laughing? Why are they never crying, or whispering madly to themselves?
As I was saying, a laugh boomed outwards, despite the fact that the room was about thirty square feet. Which isn't enough room for a desk. But times are hard, budgets are low, and desks were cut one hundred and twelve percent last quarter.
The laughing stopped abruptly, possibly because there was nothing particularly funny, or possibly because the author suddenly forgot why the villain was laughing.
Don't hate me just because I have short term memory loss!
Anyhow, appearing from the darkness was the phantom form of the principal of the school, Mephiles the Dark.
What idiotic moron had hired Mephiles to watch over children you ask? Well...
"Mr. Dark? Your resume says here that you have experience in time paradoxes, murder, making princesses cry, and universal destruction. That's a very impressive list." An idiotic moron commented as he looked over the demon's papers.
"And on the weekends, I deal marijuana," the phantom added, showing off a row of razor sharp teeth... which is amazing considering that he has no mouth.
"You're perfect..." the hiring person said, as a string of drool began to climb out of his mouth.
Why was Mephiles trying to become the principal of Sonic and Shadow's school in the first place? So he could get his horrible revenge on them of course! Never mind that it would be simpler to come and use his powers of darkness to murder them, but he had to slowly plot, bait them, work continuously, until it was time to reveal himself.
And until then, he would be disguised by one of those cheap things with the glasses and the mustache.
Those poor fools would never see him coming.
* * * * * *
While Mephiles was plotting in the principal's office, the heroes were arriving at their next class. When Tails came into the classroom and saw that the teacher of their unspecified class was a female fox... and a hot one at that, a thin stream of drool began to trail down his chin.
Because everybody knows that Tails is secretly thinking about nothing other than sex twenty four seven. Despite being like ten years old.
But that doesn't matter, cause I used my author powers to make him sixteen, and extract his homosexuality. Who cares what Mystery001 says, I can change the story whenever I feel like it.
Sonic took notice of Tails'... dazed state, and commented, making a remark so incredibly stupid that only he could have said it.
"Hey Tails, you look like you wanna hump the teacher!" he said just quietly enough that the aforementioned teacher didn't notice.
"Yeah..." he sighed dreamily. Because all of the sudden Tails could fall in love not even knowing the name of the woman twenty years older than him who would one day 'bear his babies.'
Despite the fact that it was not New Years, he promptly made a resolution to do the nasty with her before the school year was up.
Don't look at me like that! Some people are turned on by pedophile relations! I hear it's very popular in the Netherlands.
The young fox sat as close as possible to the teacher.
"Hello class, my name is Ms. Blouseburster," she said, causing Tails' eyes to widen until they were very wide.
That name is actually totally common, and not meant to cause you to make assumptions about the size of her "assets" whatsoever. She preceded to write her name on the board. But before she finished, a wind came out of nowhere in the indoor classroom, and knocked the chalk from her fingers.
This was not in the slightest the work of the author, who did not have a raging hormonal imbalance...
Anyways, Tails was treated to quite a view as the teacher bent forward to pick up the chalk. Meanwhile the others were more or less ignoring the fox's perverse new obsession.
Sonic had announced to several of the classmates that Shadow was a vampire, hoping to diminish his rival's popularity.
The remark had the opposite effect. At least half the girls in the classroom mobbed him, copies of the book Twilight in hand. The leader of the Twilight fangirls was a hedgehog with pale fur named Bella, who is completely original and totally not stolen.
"Alright girls, give him some space!" she ordered, causing all the fangirls to rally behind her.
Shadow was very caught off guard by all this.
"Uh, is there any particular reason I just got assaulted?" he said with wide eyes. That were wide.
Why could Shadow destroy all powerful demons and prevent universal destruction numerous times but not protect himself from a couple dozen teenage girls?
Because they weren't just girls. They were fangirls, the most unstoppable force in the world. The japanese Shadow fangirls who ogled his furry chest promptly joined up with the american Twilight fangirls, and began stalking him.
One might raise the point that I haven't mentioned a single thing that they learned that day. That's because High School isn't about learning or preparing for your future, it's about socializing, popularity, and sex! None of that other stuff is remotely important.
Getting ahead of myself. Watching the predicament the whole time and plotting his evil revenge was the mysterious Mystery the Hedgehog, his true intentions shrouded in... cliché description.
Mind you that it was somewhat strange for him to be plotting revenge on Sonic when he barely knew him, having in fact met him today. But Mystery formed his opinions on people quickly, and he held grudges easily.
He still hatefully remembered that defiant "you won't get away with this," that for some reason, Sonic feels the need to scream at every villain in the world.
Somewhere in Station Square, Sonic looked at a jaywalking old lady.
"You won't get away with this!" he screamed, as she hobbled away, walker in hand.
Anyhow, I was- I mean he was hungry for revenge. Noticing Tails' fixation on... certain parts of Ms. Blouseburster's anatomy, Mystery laughed evilly, which did not draw the attention of the nearby students.
It was also Ignore Psychopaths Who Laugh Insanely Day.
Mystery decided to use the fox's lusts to his advantage in his pointless quest to... uh... wait a second while I think up the villain's motive.
Eh, who cares, not that important. Anyways Mystery decided to use Tails' lusts to his advantage in his quest to do bad things.
Mystery continued to follow the group of friends around all day, waiting for his chance.
Yes, he had all the same classes as them.
Suddenly realizing that he hadn't described Mystery in the slightest, the author cracked his knuckles in preparation for the Gary-Stu self insertion to come.
According to this description, Mystery was cooler looking than Shadow, more buff than Knuckles, smarter than Tails, and had more sex appeal than Rouge.
Except... male, handsome sex appeal, not giant- oh forget it.
Moving on. Mystery stalked the group almost as faithfully as the Twilight fangirls, until finally, his chance arose. All of the sudden, with no warning whatsoever, Tails rushed off to the use the bathroom.
Mystery followed him in, which would have been very homo if he hadn't intended to do evil things.
For those of you who are wondering if I can use any words other than bad or evil to describe a villain...
Mystery tapped Tails on the shoulder, causing him to gasp and turn around. In that order. A mirror that hadn't been there before miraculously appeared, allowing him to see Mystery behind him.
"What are you gonna do?" Tails said, using incorrect grammar despite his 300 IQ.
"I have a proposition for you, fox." Tails promptly barfed into the sink.
"That's disgusting! I'm not gay!" he shouted, as Mystery nodded.
"I surmised that much when I saw you admiring Ms. Blouseburster. And I can also inform you that my power would be quite useful in getting her for you," Mystery explained.
"How's that?" Tails asked stupidly, completely out of character.
"I have the power to manipulate reality. I could make her want you with such a deep and unexplainable passion that she would pursue you to the ends of the Earth," Mystery snickered. "Laid out on a silver platter."
Taking no time whatsoever to consider the consequences of his actions, Tails nodded.
"What do you want in return?"
"Oh, nothing really. I just want you to join me in my quest to do evil things for no reason, and help me beat the living shit out of Sonic," Mystery said as if he had no control over it, and it was merely some unfortunate circumstance.
"I don't know..." Tail said slowly, genuinely considering the offer.
"Sixteen times a day," Mystery smirked, while wagging his eyebrows up and down.
Tails' eyes went wide as he shook Mystery's hand with no further hesitation whatsoever.
"I believe she's waiting for you right now in the lady's room."
With that, Tails left to fulfill his resolution.
He did it with a woman twice his age in a public restroom.
* * * * * *
Meanwhile, Shadow was still having trouble with the Twilight fangirls. He had dug a trench in the hallway, putting his gigantic weapons stash in it and holing up.
The fangirls stood about twenty feet away, eating cookies and trying to lure him out.
But cookies would not be enough to break him.
They began barbecuing several juicy steaks. The scent drifted to his nostrils.
Surging out of his protective trench, he made a b-line for the grill. Halfway there, they all tackled him. Literally buried under a massive mound of fangirls, he struggled to break free.
"I found his lap!" one called out.
"Oh God!" he screamed as he began shooting the fangirls, who suddenly weren't piled on top of him anymore.
Because violence solves everything.
The his horror, the fangirls proved invulnerable, as I said, the most unstoppable force in the world. Turning tail, he ran as fast as he was able towards the office screaming:
"Sexual harassment!" Unfortunately, he happened onto a conveniently placed treadmill, allowing the fangirls to catch him.
"Sonic, help me!" he shouted out of character, the cerulean hero suddenly standing right in front of him.
Despite supposedly being a heroic and caring individual, Sonic shrugged, turning to walk to his next class. Shadow was dragged away screaming to the Secret Fangirl Hideout.
* * * * *
When it came time for lunch, everyone but Shadow showed up in the cafeteria. Sonic was surprised to see Tails sitting with Mystery, a wide grin on his face. Knuckles, despite being the closest thing in the series to a hermit, had read the book High School for Dummies and had now taken his place among the jocks.
Already they had recruited him for Football, Basketball, Hockey, Track, Tennis, Golf, Baseball, Rugby, Cricket, Soccer, Swimming, Interpretive Dance, Volleyball, Lacrosse, Croquet, Ping-pong, and Underwater Basket Weaving.
This sudden interest in every sport known to man and some known to monkey was a completely rational assumption for the author to make based off of nothing but the echidna's tremendous strength.
Although it was inconceivable that this much worthy of telling could possibly have occurred just in the time before and during lunch, the author simply continued the school day indefinitely, partly because he was too lazy to describe the ultra cliché "wake up and go to school scene" again.
Still, more incredibly pointless events continued to pass. For example, Amy dumped Sonic for no other reason than the author not liking Sonamy. Never mind that she'd chased him for years, and would logically remain loyal to him forever and ever, no matter what.
This was High School. She wanted to broaden her horizons. How one can possess multiple horizons is anyone's guess, and where that silly expression came from in the first place is even more debatable.
But of course, a character could never lose a love interest without instantly gaining a new one. Of course there wouldn't be a literary element of loneliness and despair in the story, a shattered heart struggling to slowly mend itself.
That would be too profound and meaningful! Far too realistic! Why, it would ruin the entire atmosphere I've been trying to set the whole time.
But the question arises... so that Shadow can be the ultimate pimp-lifeform and have Amy whenever he wanted, who could be Sonic's replacement love interest?
Since he was more or less winging it, the author hadn't planned this far, and had to take a moment to think this over before he continued.
It couldn't be Tikal because she didn't exist any more.
It couldn't be Rouge because she was Shadow's territory.
It couldn't be Cream because the author didn't really like Cream, which was his primary reason for making Ms. Blouseburster for Tails. That way she didn't even have to appear or have a single line in the story. It's completely normal to hate a little eight year old bunny rabbit. That isn't an indication of a severe mental condition in the slightest.
The position then fell to Blaze. There was however, the problem of Silver.
Exactly at that moment, a pack of Silver haters arrived and brutally murdered the hedgehog using chain-saws, AK-47's, and conveniently located bricks. The poor time traveling psychic freak didn't have time scream before he was dead, which is strange considering that it took four hours for him to die.
Sonic now moved to romance Blaze, mustering all his charm and suaveness.
"Hey baby, let's get it on!" he whispered, his voice suddenly deeper than James Earl Jones'.
Blaze giggled and winked in a completely uncharacteristic way, while nodding her head.
"Sure, why not?" she replied loudly and excitedly.
Nobody noticed though. Did I mention that it was also Pay No Mind to the Horny Cat Day?
Guess not. Oh well.
The Sonaze romance was built over a grueling period of one second, on absolutely nothing but pure physical attraction, and absolutely no personality compatibility whatsoever. Perhaps this was because the author didn't create any personalities for his female characters, preferring instead to have them be nothing but sex objects.
But there's noting wrong with that, right?
A total lack of compelling female characters and true romance wouldn't leave any readers disappointed.
Go and stand in the freeway.
Anyways, Sonic and Blaze left to solidify their passion in another terrible lemon scene.
Sonic didn't give the fact that Tails had been sitting with Mystery a second thought.
* * * * *
Shadow shuddered in the corner, sucking his thumb and crying like a little girl. To his horror, he had discovered that the fangirls were into bondage, furries, and gang rape.
Which is obvious considering that fifty of them chained him to the ground and violated him, a furry. They had released him with the promise that they'd be back for more later, leaving him in his current pathetic state.
Suddenly, the world went dark.
Because for some reason, every villain ever conceived except Eggman could blot out the sun.
Anyways, Shadow wasn't nearly as afraid of whatever was happening as he was of the fangirls, and so he promptly stood up.
"Shadow..." Mephiles hissed, the ridiculous glasses and mustache on his face.
"Go away, I paid my taxes!" Shadow replied, pulling a shotgun out of nowhere.
"I am not a tax collector. I'm far worse," Mephiles laughed.
"Oh God. Don't tell me you're from the ATF!"
"EPA?" Shadow cringed, clutching his gun.
"Are you from the Census Bureau?" he said quietly.
"I'm not from a government agency! I'm the school principal!" he declared dramatically.
"Chuck Norris be merciful!" he exclaimed, his exclamation such a silly one that one must wonder why he exclaimed it in the first place.
"And that's not all! I'm also Mephiles the Dark!" the phantom screamed.
"Oh. I can't handle that."
"What? No terror?" Mephiles pouted. "Damn, I'm losing my touch..." He mused quietly for a second, while Shadow yawned. "Anyways, I've got something to tell you..."
"Wait, don't say a word. Let me guess: everything I know is a lie, G.U.N. never killed Maria, and in actuality I have an older brother named Eclipse who murdered everyone I ever loved for no reason, and the only way to beat him is to let you infuse me with the Emerald of Darkness, and tattoo yellow with black flames on it on my right arm," Shadow inhaled sharply. "And on top of that, my true father is a gypsy wheat farmer named Clive."
"No! What do you think this is, Naruto? Besides, your father wasn't named Clive, his name was Dexter." Shadow gasped over-dramatically at this insignificant and completely irrelevant information.
"Yes, and not only was your daddy Dexter, but I'm going to murder you, and once I'm finished, I'm going to slaughter baby kittens," Mephiles snickered.
"First of all, what other kinds of kittens are there? And secondly, did the author actually give you any plans after that?" Shadow smirked.
"Uh... I'm still working on that," he admitted.
Determined to formulate a maniacal plan, Mephiles ran away like a little girl, back to his sanctum.
No sooner had Mephiles gone that the fangirls began chasing Shadow again.
"Damn, not here!"
* * * * *
Tails was being shown around Mystery's uber-cool evil villain base and introduced to all of the hedgehog's lackeys. Mystery had manipulated reality so that all other villains would become his slaves.
And so that it was never Monday in his lair. He hated Mondays.
Metal Sonic, Chaos, Erazor Jinn, Eggman Nega, Fang the Sniper, Snively Kintobor, Dark Ultimate Final Devil Generic Final Boss 32, and the Biolizard thing were all in his thug gang, along with countless other shiftless villains and evil peoples.
"This is my evil villain computer, where I write fanfictions, spam people, design viruses that cause pop-ups, flame noobs, cheat on WoW, and watch porno," Mystery said as if the evilness of such activities was incomprehensible.
"Here is our cappuccino maker, complete with whipped cream dispenser," he smirked. Because everyone smirks when talking about a glorified coffee pot.
"This is our Xbox 360, where we play Halo and Gears of War. But when we really get wild is on the weekends with the Wii and Mario Party." Tails was glancing around in confusion.
"This is a nerd evil villain base!" he yelled.
"Says the boy who builds biplanes in his spare time," Nega remarked.
Tails shrugged, sitting down to play Xbox.
* * * * *
Sonic sat down in his desk before taking notice of how few of his friends were still worshipping him. Amy was still there, but she had dumped him. Silver was dead, Tikal didn't exist, the author didn't like Cream, and Tails was with Mystery.
Which left Rouge, Blaze, Knuckles, and Shadow. But the echidna was busy reading Sports Illustrated, and Shadow was glancing over his shoulder every five seconds at a mob of lovestruck fangirls.
The teacher walked in, causing Sonic's jaw to hit the floor. Don't ask how this was possible, it just was. The man who had walked through the door was none other than Doctor Ivo "Eggman" Kintobor Robotnik III. Aka Dr. Eggman.
Obviously the same person who hired Mephiles hired the evil doctor.
"Greetings my young minds, just waiting to be molded with evil. I am your teacher, Dr. Robotnik. You may refer to me as Uncle Ivo."
Sonic nearly gagged at this.
"Dr. Robotnik, don't you need to call role?" a student asked, partly because the author had just remembered that they do that in High School.
"Role? Preposterous! While Uncle Ivo is here, there'll be no role, no tardy slips, no detention, and no homework, just evil!" Eggman said in a jolly, Santa Claus sort of way. "Except for you Sonic. You must hand copy the entire Encyclopedia from A to Z, and write a six thousand word paper on every single entry. Due tomorrow. Oh, and your grade for the whole school year rests on this one assignment. Good luck."
Sonic screamed in horror, rushing out of the classroom to beg for help from Tails. Shadow raised his hand.
"Doctor, could you teach me the evil secret of how to destroy fangirls?" Shadow asked hopefully.
"Sorry, but that information is classified," Dr. Eggman said sadly.
"Shadow, do you know any other cuss words?" Blaze remarked.
"You shut your damn mouth. Mind your own damn business you damn bimbo. God dammit, I'll damn well say damn as much as I damn want to, and I don't give a damn what your damned opinion is about it."
"Here we go again..." Rouge said, a remark that anyone, even an anonymous classmate could have said.
"Alright kids, your first lesson in evil!" Eggman snickered.
Looking down at her schedule, Amy saw that this was supposed to be the Home Ec class.
Because Eggman can cook.
* * * * *
Sonic rushed down the hallways, desperately looking for Tails to help him with his impossible Home Ec homework assignment. However, he ran face first into Mystery. Normally, Sonic could've easily dodged something that blocked his path, but Mystery had altered reality to make it so that Sonic couldn't.
"Hey, you're that one evil guy that Tails was with. Where is Tails anyways?" Sonic had already forgotten the villain's name.
"Is Mystery really that hard to remember? Could you at least call me some derogatory nickname based off my real name like you do to Eggman?"
"Uh, sure. Hey Myzzy, got any ideas where Tails is?" Sonic said slowly, obviously slightly more in character than usual.
"I'm right here Sonic!" Tails yelled, suddenly appearing behind his ex-bestest buddy.
"Oh thank Allah! I need your help!" Sonic exclaimed.
"Well you ain't gonna get it Sonic. I'm with Mystery now!" Tails replied coldly.
"What? I thought we were best friends forever! How could you do this to me Tails?" Sonic asked as an outrageous amount of tears began to spill down his face.
"It was easy. Mystery gave me what you failed to provide. An outlet for my massive sex drive!" Tails amazingly said with a straight face.
"I thought you weren't gay anymore!" Sonic said in confusion. "I would've been there for you if you had asked."
"Nasty! No, it's not like that! Mystery used his fancy pansty magic figgly wiggly to make Ms. Blouseburster have the hots for me!" Tails yelled.
Sonic was quiet. Until he wasn't when he spoke the next second.
"So you betrayed me... for sex?" Sonic said indignantly.
"Are you going to steal my girlfriend now too, and do it with Blaze?" Sonic yelled.
Tails' eyes shifted as a light blush teased his cheeks.
"Uh... actually, Sonic..."
"Oh God Tails, you didn't!" Sonic screamed.
"Oh Tails, you're so big for a ten year old!"
Sonic's left eye twitched furiously.
"And now he's going to help me beat your ass," Mystery interjected, reminding them both that he was there.
Sonic laughed, having switched from being livid to smug in an instant.
"Are you kidding? Tails is wussier than a gay, pacifist, french polka musician!" he snickered. Apparently now Sonic was a homophobe too.
"I can use my reality altering powers to make him into Turbo Tails!" Mystery announced. At this, Tails grew very tall and buff and tall. Sonic blinked up at him, his mouth hanging open so wide that a couple hikers mistook it for a cave and were never seen again.
Tails slammed his fist down, driving Sonic into the floor up to his neck, and rendering him immobile. But rather than finishing him off with his seemingly endless power, Mystery decided to give an evil villain speech in which he detailed his entire plan.
"Listen Sonic. Tomorrow is going to be the Prom, despite the fact that school opened today. Everyone who's anyone will be there. And I'm going to crash it. Just try and stop me, cause I'll wail on you."
"What do you have to say to that Sonic?" Tails said with an evil laugh.
"You won't get away with this!" he screamed, as the nefarious duo simply walked off.
"Damn you Mystery, damn you!" Sonic was promptly punished by being struck by a bolt of lightning. "Knock it off you fag author!" Despite that fact that he hadn't moved an inch, lightning struck him again.
"I give..." he whispered, somehow still alive.
* * * * *
The bell rang as Sonic went home, not a single thing he had learned in his mind. And because he had no parents, guardians, or family of any nature, nobody could tell him to do his homework or eat his lima beans.
Instead, he watched R-rated movies and drank cheap beer until three in the morning. He then slept for four and a half minute intervals, with waking periods of insanity mixed in. Finally, morning arrived.
It pulled up to his front porch in a hummer. Oh wait, that wasn't meant to be literal?
Anyways, the sun was up. His alarm still not set, Sonic woke up three seconds late. But through wind, rain, snow, or sleet, he would faithfully eat his breakfast! After he had finished, he packed up his prom clothes in his backpack, and grabbed his Chaos Emerald just in case.
Because that would totally help him against an enemy with god-like powers that allowed him to alter reality at will. But the blue hero has never really been known for thinking things through.
Once again missing the bus by a tenth of a millisecond, Sonic sped to school in roughly the same amount of time, which begs the question of why he bothered to try to catch it at all. If he did, he could look down Blaze's shirt while he sat next to her.
He arrived at school, dashing in and making his way to his first class. To his disgust, Tails had adopted a gangster fashion sense, and was seated next to Mystery.
Mr. Klienburgerausengliff was already talking, so Sonic just ignored him and sat down. Knuckles was trying very hard to spin a basketball on his fingertip, and Shadow was wearing a suit of medieval plate mail.
"Shadow, your classic armor suit dates from the thirteenth century, and would've been very similar to those used by the Byzantine knights. Very good," the teacher said, despite the fact that the author had already said that he taught Science.
"Actually, I'm only wearing it to keep from being raped by the Twilight fangirls. I picked it up for twenty bucks at a pawn shop," the dark knight who's name was not Batman replied.
"Right... moving on," Mr. Klienburgerausengliff said as he continued his lesson. After class, Sonic and his remaining friends gathered to discuss their plans for the Prom.
"I'm taking this totally cute cheerleader I met at a basketball game," Knuckles said smoothly. Yes, relationships could be formed in a day. And that is a deep and meaningful enough relationship to justify asking a girl to the prom.
What, you don't believe in love at first sight? I suppose you don't believe in magic, utopia, or the loch ness monster either!
Jesus, what an ungrateful person.
"I'm taking Rouge and Amy," Shadow smirked.
"Uh... you realize that it's against the rules to take two dates, right?" Blaze laughed.
Shadow's eyes got very wide. And then widened some more.
"You'll have to chose between us..." Amy pouted as she traced a finger down Shadow's chest. Rouge shoved her out of the way and plastered Shadow in kisses, while leaning forward so that her cleavage hung directly in front of him.
"You'll pick me, won't you Shads," she said breathily.
"Uh... um... I can't decide!" Shadow screamed, rushing away with a mob of fangirls in tow.
"Okay... anyways, Mystery is planning something to ruin the prom, and I'll need all your guys' help to stop him," Sonic revealed.
"Who is Mystery again?" Knuckles said dumbly.
"That one guy we met in the halls yesterday. Mystery."
'What's a mystery?" Amy asked in confusion.
"That dude Tails sat with!" Sonic said in anger.
"What's so mysterious about him?" Rouge shrugged.
"A hedgehog named Mystery who has been hanging out with Tails is gonna crash the Prom!!" Sonic screamed.
"Oh..." they all said in unison, once again raising the question of whether they should be coordinated swimmers. "You don't have to shout."
"Forget it. I'll tell you after the next class."
* * * * *
Sonic was disgusted to see Ms. Blouseburster give Tails a kiss on the way in, causing the fox to smirk, pinch her, and sit with Mystery. The cerulean hero had to look away from his former friend, as the fox grinned and stared at him the whole class.
Cause villains have noting better to do than stare at their nemesis for an hour.
When the rest of them left for lunch at the end of the class, Tails stayed behind...
Sonic couldn't touch his food with the thought of the lengthy TailsxBlouseburster lemon the author was likely writing. It would be terrible. It would hold the record for the longest lemon on FFN at two hundred and fifty thousand words.
But the author's fans demanded it. What fans, may you ask?
Go stick your head in a septic tank.
Mystery was also sneering at him. While eating fried chicken. See how awesome my character is!
Shadow couldn't eat because his helmet obstructed his mouth. So he decided to swing his sword around and pretend to be a Jedi instead.
One might raise the question of why Sonic and the others didn't try to defeat Mystery before he ruined everything. But they couldn't. It said so in the Hero Handbook. Available at your local bookstore for nineteen ninety nine, plus tax.
In sharp contrast to yesterday, nothing interesting happened the rest of lunch time. Hey, the first day of school is always the hardest! I have separation anxiety and get bullied! High School is so hard! Adults don't know what we go through. They haven't been through...
I am not a whiney little bitch, High School really is impossible! I haven't learn a thing since I started ten years ago! You're such a cruel person for bringing up non-existent flaws in my writing. You deserve to endure Chinese Water Torture for thirty years, and then be executed with a rusty machete.
Anyways, lunch ended and they all went to Home Ec class, which for some reason is the only class I've considered important enough to mention by name. The moment Sonic walked through the door, he bumped into Eggman's huge gut, and fell backwards on his butt.
Ha, I can rhyme. The doctor was wearing a white apron that said 'kiss the evil genius.'
"Do you have your homework assignment Sonic?" he snickered.
"No..." he replied, having completely forgotten about it.
"What? All I give you is one little teensy weensy assignment, and you can't do it! Referral, detention, suspension, death by firing squad! Go to the principal's office immediately!" he screamed.
Sonic, thinking he would have a better time explaining himself to the principal than to Eggman, simply complied.
How horribly wrong he was...
Sonic went into the principal's office intending to whine about his treatment, but was surprised to find an empty room. Turning around, he gasped to see a door with no handle. Mephiles used his villain-make-the-sky-black power to darken the room.
"Oh Oprah, I've seen this one! Now my cell phone rings, and then I die!" Sonic shouted.
"You're not going to die... yet," Mephiles snickered as he materialized.
"Oh, Mephiles, it's just you."
"Is no-one scared of me anymore?" he yelled in frustration.
"Silver was," Sonic answered.
Sonic sighed as if Mephiles was a complete moron.
"Alright, cue flashback..."
Epic Flashback That is Italicized For No Apparent Reason
Exactly at that moment, a pack of Silver haters arrived and brutally murdered the hedgehog using chain-saws, AK-47's, and conveniently located bricks. The poor time traveling psychic freak didn't have time scream before he was dead, which is strange considering that it took four hours for him to die.
End Epic Flashback That is Italicized For No Apparent Reason
"Yeah, it kinda sucks for a villain to not be feared by anyone. But what are you doing in the principal's office?" he asked stupidly.
"I am the principal you fool," Mephiles giggled.
"Could this year suck any more?" What a stupid thing to say. Talk about inviting trouble.
"After the Prom today, I'm going to start with the High School, and systematically destroy the world," Mephiles grinned... without a mouth.
"You're telling me that... why?" Sonic asked, slightly bewildered. Whatever that means.
"It's in the Evil Villain Handbook."
"Is there a manual for everything now?" Sonic asked.
"Everything except How to Destroy Fangirls, How to Avoid Reading Manuals, and How to Make a Good High School Fic."
Sonic and Mephiles stood staring at each other, neither none moving or speaking.
"That explains a lot," Sonic frowned.
"Yes, it does."
"Are you going to let me go now?" he sighed, causing Mephiles to flinch.
"I don't see any reason not to..." he said slowly. No sooner was the last word out of his mouth than Sonic was gone.
* * * * *
Rather than describing the preparation for the Prom on either the part of Mystery or Sonic, the author simply decided to skip directly to the Prom itself. This may have been because the author had never actually been to the Prom, and didn't know what it entailed because he was thirteen years old, but hey, cut a kid a little slack!
For the same reason, the author didn't really know what the Prom looked like, and merely described it as having lots of people there, and being really fancy.
All of the characters except Shadow were there with their respective dates, and he decided to simply go alone and dance with both Rouge and Amy. Sonic couldn't focus on his date, and kept staring at Mystery the entire time, awaiting his evil scheme.
Mystery of course was dancing with the hottest girl in the universe, because he always got the best of everything and did everything perfectly, and so on. He sneered as he looked at Sonic, knowing that the time for his revenge was near.
The villain stepped up to the podium, a wicked smile on his face.
"Greetings lifeforms of no value!" Mystery began, as everyone stopped dancing and stared at him. Because if the prom were interrupted by one wierdo, everything would surely grind to a halt.
"I stand here today to inform you of your impending doom. You see, I am an evil villain, and as such, I do evil things. Now is my opportunity to do one of the most evil things of all..." Mystery continued as Sonic prepared himself for a fight.
"I'm going to ruin the school prom!" Mystery screamed, as he used his reality alteration powers to change all the doors into brick walls, and bar all the windows. Never mind that Knuckles was perfectly capable of punching through solid rock, and Shadow could simply teleport at will.
"None of you will escape now! At last, I can finally have my revenge!"
"Your revenge for what? You've been going on the whole fic about getting revenge for something, but you haven't once said what it is!" Sonic protested, as Tails came from nowhere to stand behind Mystery.
"Ah, I was hoping you would ask.."
Second Epic Flashback that is Italicized for No Apparent Reason
It was second grade. I was a bright young boy, already beginning to display some of the incredible abilities and intelligence that you see now. But unfortunately, that fat imbecile didn't think me evil enough, and failed me from villain school.
Of course, I made it up, but I never fully recovered from that blow. For years, I have waited, plotted, and done evil acts to make up for my failure... but none could quench the thirst within my soul.
A lust for revenge... for the blood of him who wronged me. And today, the Home Economic's teacher will finally get his just desserts. He will pay for his idiotic assessment of my genius.
End Second Epic Flashback that is Italicized for No Apparent Reason
"So wait, you mean this whole time, you've been out to get Eggman?" Tails asked in confusion.
"Cool!" he squealed, as the two of them did a high five.
"Sonic you must protect me!" Eggman shouted from the corner, where he lay in fetal position.
"Why should I after you gave me that impossible assignment?" the blue hero sneered.
"Shadow, you'll help me right?" he whimpered. The obsidian hedgehog nodded, baring his vampire teeth as thousands of fangirls swooned.
"And what about you Knuckles?" the doctor pleaded.
"Every time I've trusted you in the past, you've tricked me. Well no more. I've learned," the crimson echidna insisted.
"But Knuckles, I promise to never do anything evil ever ever again forever and never..." Eggman pouted. Knuckles thought about this for a moment, and came to a decision.
Why was Mystery simply allowing them all to decide who would fight him instead of simply destroying them?
Because he was busy checking his email while they were talking.
"Sonic, we need your help!" Shadow said uncharacteristically, his flaming crimson eyes turning into anime puppy eyes.
"Aw..." everyone there said in unison, as the vicious, bloodthirsty, ultimate lifeform became as cuddly as a teddy bear.
"Only if you promise never to do that again," Sonic muttered in disgust. Shadow quickly reverted back to his badass gangsta self, as the three of them prepared to fight Mystery.
"Ha, you'll never defeat me with my reality altering powers!" he boasted.
"Yeah, but Knuckles has got the Master Emerald. Right Knuckles?" Sonic shot back.
"Uh... actually Sonic..."
"You lost it?!"
"No, I didn't lose it... I... um..."
"Sold it to me for a bag of Cracker Jacks," Mystery explained, as he produced the enormous gem.
"How could you! Your entire life is supposed to be devoted to protecting that emerald!" Shadow shouted.
"But... the prize..."
"WHAT!" Sonic screamed.
"I wanted the prize, okay!"
"Enough of this foolishness. You all are nothing but a bunch of foolishly foolish fools, who dream dreams of foolish tomfoolery, while fooling around in your foolhardy brains," Mystery smirked.
Sonic was so enraged by that meaningless rant, that be burst forth, not heeding his enemy's power whatsoever, and blindly attacked him. Mystery used his powers to create a hole under the cerulean hero's feet, causing him to fall in.
Knuckles, seeing Sonic's defeat, rushed over to help him. But the villainous villain did something only a true villain would do.
He bitch-slapped Knuckles in the face, doing no real damage, but stunning the echidna, and causing him to cease his assault. Meanwhile, he powered up Tails into Turbo Tails again, unleashing him on all the innocent bystanders.
Why would he do this, instead of
having Tails specifically attack Eggman?
Why don't you let me be the author, and you be the reader, okay?
Knuckles stood there, dazed after Mystery's blow, allowing the evil dude to move on to Shadow. The ultimate lifeform bared his fangs, leaping towards the dastardly bastard with an unmatched ferocity.
Mystery jumped up and used his Ninja Tai Kwan Do Karate Jujitsu Kung Fu Judo skills to kick his opponent in the groin, sending him sprawled out on the floor for no particular reason.
The mysterious villain grabbed Shadow, holding him aloft so that their gaze met, an evil grin spread wide across his lips.
"FOOL! None can defeat the most awesome fancharacter ever, I have infinite power!" Mystery laughed.
"You're wrong," Shadow coughed. Mystery looked at him, perplexed, as he continued his defiance.
"We have the power of love on our side. You can never defeat us, because love is the most powerful force in the universe!" Shadow exclaimed, completely out of character.
"Really? Will love stop me from doing this?" Mystery answered, as he slapped Shadow.
"Or this?" he then shot an innocent bystander that Tails hadn't already killed.
"Just you wait. Love will win in the end!" the black anti-hero renegade turned G.U.N. agent replied. There was a long pause, as Mystery actually waited for love to win. After about two minutes of uninterrupted nothingness, he laughed maniacally.
"Just as I thought. Your threats of the power of this ridiculous energy field are bluffs. Now it's time for you to die!" he guffawed, gathering a gigantic blob of shiny light into his hand.
Why use the word guffaw? How did he gather light? Did he by any chance go to the local department store and purchase many light bulbs, and hold them all in his hand, illuminating them in one bright flash?
Who do I look like, the dude who explains everything logically?
Just as Mystery prepared to send Shadow on an eternal vacation, he was struck in the back with a paper airplane.
Overreacting dramatically, he flailed to the ground, allowing the massive energy attack he had prepared to simply fizzle out of existence. Standing behind him and smirking was the form of Mephiles the Dark, a bag full of the papery projectiles slung over his shoulder.
At exactly that moment, Sonic crawled out of his hole, looked at the phantom, and gasped.
"That's right Sonic, I'm here to destroy the universe. And I have a new weapon at my disposal. The mighty 'paper airplane'."
"No, I wasn't gasping at that, the author just randomly decided to make me gasp to make it seem more intense," the blue hero explained.
"Now, Mystery, you as well will fall before the awesome wrath of my mighty villainousness. Muahahahahaha!"
A story with more than one villain! How dramatic!
"Sonic, I know that mere seconds ago I was trying to kill you, but now, we have to work together in order to prevent the planet from being destroyed," Mystery remarked, his evilness fading by the second.
Sonic pondered this a moment, and seem to come to a decision.
"Sure, why not?"
"Does this mean that I have to start being nice to that blue moron again?" Tails whined.
"For now," his master replied.
"Can I leave now?" Eggman whimpered.
"I'll deal with you as soon as I've reestablished my place as top villain at this party, Eggman!" Mystery shouted. Eggman returned to his fetal position, sucking his thumb.
Mephiles stared at each one of them, his snake-like eyes gleaming with evil intent. But rather than attacking him all at once, they just sat there, and waited for him to make the first move. And the deranged phantom did not disappoint.
Sinking into the ground, he reappeared behind Knuckles, who narrowly spun around in time to see Mephiles' fist headed towards his chin. The red echidna was sent flying against a wall, cracking his head on a fire alarm, and falling unconscious.
Mystery summoned a semi truck, and threw it at Mephiles, but it hit the ceiling and fell back to the ground. The demon snickered, and gathered a crackling obsidian energy in his palm, cradling it in anticipation of it's use.
Shadow confronted him, appearing before him, fangs ready. Mephiles dodged Shadow's attack, and slammed his own into Shadow's arm, blowing it clean off as blood showered everyone present who wasn't already dead.
But Shadow didn't scream, didn't even acknowledge his wound. He was that tough.
"Do you realize that I just murdered your arm?" Mephiles hissed.
"I've had worse," Shadow smirked, as he put his remaining arm on his hip.
"Your entire bloody arm is off!" Sonic shouted in surprise.
"It's only a flesh wound," he insisted.
"Okay, Mr. Author Guy, can we quit with the Monty Python jokes and get back to me annihilating the universe?"
Sorry. Anyhow, Mephiles promptly blew off Shadow's other arm, knocked him to the ground, and leapt over him, headed straight for Sonic and Mystery.
"Hey man, I know we haven't been friends very long, but I just want you to know-"
"Sonic, can you save it until after we're not dead?" Mystery screamed as he conjured a glass dome surrounding them. This proved to be a lack of judgement on his part, as Mephiles broke through the glass, and headed directly towards Mystery.
"Myzzy, NO!" Sonic wailed, despite the face that merely five minutes ago, he hated Mystery.
At the last second, Mystery used his awesome powers to create a sword, driving it through Mephiles stomach even as the monstrous demon tore his spleen out.
Mephiles slumped over, and melted into the floor, conveniently leaving behind the hero who sacrificed his life without the villain's body to take care of.
Rather than attending to Knuckles or Shadow, people he had known for years, Sonic rushed to the side of Mystery, leaning over him worriedly.
"Hey, you can pull through his buddy! You can make it!" he cried.
"No, it is too late for me Sonic. But at least I fulfilled my promise to Mari-" oh wait, wrong hedgehog. "I mean, at least the world was saved." And so, the greatest fancharacter to ever exist in the history of awesome original characters died. Never mind the fact that he could have simply made himself a new spleen with his powers.
He needed to die so that all the fangirls who read the story could leave reviews like this:
"OMG :( So sayd Myzteri haed to di. I reely lieked hym. He wuz so sexxy and coul. Hiz deth wuz bootifull zomg. random LOLZ! Haz to go watched some anime now. GTG!"
Why do reviews like this need to exist?
I'm not sure.
Anyways, Sonic continued the rest of the school year, with not much happening since the author was unable to think up a proper epilogue. Shadow found it hard to pass any classes without an arm to write with, and was able to file a lawsuit for discrimination when he got F's in every class, and ended up getting a fortune of six hundred and sixty six billion dollars, which he promptly spent attempting to unlock the dark secret of destroying fangirls.
Knuckles became the next Michael Jordan, a legend among drunk old married guys with pot bellies everywhere.
Tails returned to Sonic's click, and became a pimp, since Mystery's spell making him irresistible was still in effect.
Eggman gave up evil, and actually learned how to cook, and actually taught Home Ec correctly, using his skills in robotics from then on to create machines that could help cooks everywhere.
The school got a new principal, but since he was hired by the same guy, he was almost as evil as the last one.
_Not one of the female characters in the story did anything the author considered worthy of mentioning. Sure, Amy wrote the great American novel, and Rouge became the first woman president, but none of that really matters.
Oh, and one last thing. Of course the story couldn't just be resolved, the author had to leave some tiny hint of residual villainy, so that they could have an excuse to write an even more terrible sequel.
Ahem: somewhere, Metal Sonic leaned over a cloning module, containing his new ultimate weapon.
Within lay a perfect copy of a mysterious figure, shrouded in mystery.
"Awake, my creation. Mystery002, come forth!"