A/N - Since my lovely EBs and I love to kill Mike Newton off, we're going to. Frequently. Thanks to Scar Scar for encouraging this nuttiness. Twilight is not ours.
Chapter author: Nalwaves
Chapter 1 - Pianos are a Bitch
Mike Newton sat on top of a picnic table outside of Forks High School, bouncing his foot nervously and chewing on his fingers.
"Mike, if you don't stop that I'm going to hurt you." Jessica Stanly threatened, and Mike rolled his eyes. She was a pain in the ass but she would give him a blow job every now and then so he kept her around.
"I'm just restless today," he grumbled, stilling his foot but even more aggressively chewing his fingers.
"Why? Because the sun's out so the Cullens won't be in school and you can ogle Bella freely without the fear that Emmett will kick your ass?"
"No, I'm not worried about Emmett," He answered a bit too quickly.
"Ah-ha! So, you do want to ogle Bella," She accused, a sneer actually making her face look a little better.
Mike's face reddened. He didn't want to listen to Stanly anymore so he jumped off the table and stalked off toward the parking lot, nearly running into a hurrying Bella.
"Bella! Hi! What's up?" He asked excitedly. Mike had no real brain-mouth filter. He just sort of let all the blood drain to his penis so he always came across a bit too strong for the likes of Bella Swan.
"Oh, hey there Mike, nothing's up, just walking to class," She answered awkwardly and chewed her lip. He stared at her with a vacant expression. Time seemed to pass slowly as he just stared at her. She shifted her weight uncomfortably. "Um, well, I'm going to keep walking…" she trailed off, seeming to be thinking about something.
"What are you doing later?" Mike asked quickly. Really? Mike was asking Bella what she was doing later? She had Edward Cullen for a boyfriend and Jacob Black for a best friend but he was still asking? What the hell was wrong with him?
"I'm, uh, actually helping the Cullens move some stuff," She said, blinking repeatedly. The blinking was a total turn on for Mike.
"Okay, I'll come by their place and help," He stated quickly ran off like he was a golden retriever and had just spotted something shiny.
Bella stood there, eyebrow cocked, trying to understand what just happened. She didn't say that she was helping them at their place, even though she was. Strange. For the rest of the day she tried to dissuade Mike from going to the Cullen's place later, but was unable to convince him.
After dark (which was like 4:30 pm since it gets dark so freaking early in the Pacific Northwest in the winter time) the two humans made their way to casa de Cullen.
Emmett's booming laugh and Edward's narrowed eyes greeted them.
Alice quickly appeared, placing a hand on Edward's arm. "Don't kill him," she whispered. Emmett winked at Bella and disappeared into the house.
"Mike, what brings you here?" Edward asked coolly, apparently over his split second of murderous rage. Men can be so moody.
"Bella said you were moving some stuff so I offered to – " Mike's voice was interrupted by a loud tearing sound. Edward flew at Bella, knocking her out of the way as his piano fell right on Mike's head.
"What the hell, Emmett?" Edward yelled, checking Bella to make sure she was okay before turning his head up to the second story balcony and seeing Emmett standing with a torn rope, laughing hysterically.
"Oops," he shrugged.
Mike opened his eyes and was surrounded by blackness. Slowly, the blackness turned to a dull gray and he could make out shapes. The shapes were floating. One of the shapes made its way toward Mike and right as he realized it was a person in a hooded robe, the hood on this particular person was removed.
"You're-" Mike began, unbelieving his eyes.
"I'm Rick James, bitch."
"But, you're dead!"
"So are you."
"Yup, dead, piano fell on your head." Rick explained.
"That's unexpected," Mike replied, not really showing much emotion.
"Look, I don't normally do this, but I like you. So, I'm sending you back." Rick said, putting an arm around Mike's shoulders.
"You can do that?" Mike questioned, unbelieving.
"It's against the rules, but I'm Rick James, bitch. Off you go!"
Mike groaned and felt the piano being lifted off of him.
"Mike? You're alive?" Alice asked.
"I guess so." He said back and Alice received twelve visions all at once. Each of them showed Mike Newton being killed a different way.