A/N: I have no idea. This was in my head. Therefore it had to come out. Remember to Review!
Mike Seeks Therapy.
My name is Mike Newton and I am pathetic.
I see a councillor now. I've only had one session. He thinks I'm delusional and have jealousy issues. He asked me if I think life would be different if I had been given enough oxygen at birth. Which kinda makes sense considering Stephenie Meyer created me while being on the toilet constipated. Girls a pusher for sure.
I have no friends. Even Jessica doesn't speak to me anymore. After Stephenie Meyer finished Breaking Dawn she dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with her. I told her I couldn't I had to remain a virgin for when Bella and I have an affair in future books.
"I can't sleep with you Jess.." I said.
"Because Bella doesn't really like you and if she finds out I dipped my stick in you. Our future affair won't happen!" I explained.
She looked at me like I was crazy and left. I haven't spoken to her since, I'm pretty sure she is lesbian now.
After I told my councillor this, he prescribed me some pills. I don't know what they are for, I took one earlier and I was able to count to 10. That's not normal for me so I won't be taking anymore.
My councillor is making me keep this diary so he can monitor my progress. He also asked me to list what 'I' think my problems are in order to assess why I am not as successful as the other Twilight Characters. Whatever. I would much rather sit in my bedroom and make home-made pokemon music videos and post them on youtube.
I've been trying to get a job, but no one will hire me. They keep sending back my application with the words 'FUCK OFF' written boldly in red on the front. The fan fiction world won't write about me either. The entire Wolf pack are now getting stories as are all the Cullen's and of course that rusty nutted glitter ball Edward get's all the good ExB stories. I spent an entire night writing my own MxB story on the fan fiction site and it was taken down after 5 minutes after being reported as abusive. I didn't cry. I did make a video montage from home movies and clips from Twilight of me and Bella to The Cutting Crews' 'I Just Died in your Arms Tonight'. I watch this every night before bed now.
My councillor will here soon. I think it's a waste of time there is clearly nothing wrong with me. His name is Borris. I still haven't made my list. I don't think there is anything to put on there. Except maybe..
Edward has bigger balls than me. I saw them one day in the showers at school. He caught me looking at him. Then he winked at me which I found odd.
Anyway I hear Borris coming upstairs now for our 'meeting'.
"Hello Michael, how are you feeling today?" Borris sat on my bed. Who does he think he is?
"Hi Borris, I feel peachy, how are you feeling?" HA!
"Now Mike, did you do the assignement I asked for?"
"Yeah here" I passed him a piece of toilet paper with the Edwards balls thing on it.
I really couldn't be bothered with this again today. I want to watch my montage video and visualise me and Bella having sex in public toilet.
"Really Mike, are you taking this seriously? Do you want me to help you or are you content at being a complete lamer for the rest of your... "
I let Borris rant on for a good five minutes while I continued day dreaming. Man Stephenie Meyer was a complete cunt... she did a right number on me.
I vaguely saw Borris reach for his briefcase, he was pulling something out but I was now thinking about my new pokemon video I was planning on making tonight, so I wasn't paying attention.
When I finally looked up Borris had a gun in my face.
"Borris... What is that?" I said.
"It's a gun, wow you really do have the mental capacity of stapler." I didn't like Borris' tone and I wasn't sure if he just insulted me.
"What are you going to do with the gun?" I'm baffled.
"Shoot your pathetic little ass in the face!"
"I don't understand... Are you shooting me in the ass or the face?" I was getting really confused. I hoped for the ass.
"OH FOR FUCK SAKE I CANT BE ARSED WITH THIS..." *BANG*
Yup in the face.