Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. I do, however, own the plot and the play, because I made it up as I went along LOL. Even the names of the characters and everything.

THIS WAS INTENDED TO BE FUNNY, BY THE WAY. D: I'm not sure if it is or not. '''OTL.

THERE WILL BE MORE CHAPTERS. THIS IS ONLY ACT I, AND AS THEY SAY, THE PLAY MUST GO ON.

(And yes, that is the entire cast list, and no, I am not very well with scripts, so... Shush, you.)


··· CAST LIST ···

Empress Ruby ··· Kairi
Lord Emerald ··· Axel
Lady Gold ··· Naminé
Adviser ··· Cloud
King Onyx ··· Zexion
Queen Jade ··· Larxene
Prince Topaz ··· Roxas
Princess Silver ··· Xion
Princess Amethyst ··· Olette
Sir Sapphire ··· Sora
Farmer ··· Tidus
Wife ··· Selphie
Prisoner ··· Demyx
Executioner ··· Luxord
Peasant ··· Yuffie

Director ··· Cid

START ACT I, SCENE I.

Throne room. The EMPRESS is seated; the LORD and LADY are standing before her awkwardly.

EMPRESS: [deep voice] What is the meaning of this intrusion, LORD and LADY? Can you not see I have business to attend to?

LORD: [clears throat] Yes, Milady, we can see that; however, we must speak with you about the matter of our daughter.

EMPRESS: Your daughter? [snorts derisively] You wish for me to waste my time on such a trivial matter? Just marry her off, you fools! Marry her to the PRINCE of Oblivion and be done with it!

LADY: Yes, Milady, but there is a small problem with that. The PRINCE is already betrothed to another.

EMPRESS: [raises eyebrow; turns to ADVISER] Is this true, ADVISER?

ADVISER: Yes, Milady.

EMPRESS: Well, then the engagement must be broken off!

LORD: Ah, Milady! Thank you ever so much!

EMPRESS: Yes. Well. I am the EMPRESS. It is my job to look after my people. [glances at ADVISER] Wow, this empress lady really sounds prissy.

ADVISER: Shush. Go back to the script, Kairi.

EMPRESS: Oh, yeah. Sorry. [clears throat] LORD, LADY, you may take your leave now. My business with you is done; it is time for me to cut coupons.

LADY: Kairi!

EMPRESS: Sorry! I couldn't resist. It is time for me to retire to my personal chambers.

END ACT I, SCENE I.

...

...

START ACT I, SCENE II.

PRINCESS is having dinner with the PRINCE, a close friend of hers.

PRINCESS: PRINCE, my parents are planning to wed us. They have gone to the EMPRESS to break off your engagement to PRINCESS AMETHYST. What are your thoughts on this matter, dear TOPAZ?

PRINCE: I believe it is unnecessary. PRINCESS AMETHYST and I are in love; 'twould be unfair to separate us.

PRINCESS: I was afraid you would say that, my PRINCE. The EMPRESS believes in pure marriages, and so I fear she shall break you and the PRINCESS apart. Do keep AMETHYST close to your Heart, TOPAZ; if she is in your Heart, you will not be without her.

PRINCE: Wise words, my dear. Thou art truly wise beyond thy years.

PRINCESS: [chuckles] I thank thee for thy compliment, dear PRINCE. [glances at clock] Ah! I must take my leave, PRINCE.

PRINCE: Your parents expect you home at six; it is but five-forty-three. Would you please stay for a couple more minutes?

PRINCESS: [uncertainly] If you insist.

PRINCE: Thank you, dear PRINCESS.

PRINCESS: It is my pleasure. Christ, Roxas, this is like a sappy love scene.

PRINCE: I know, right? Nay, it is mine, dear lady. [kisses the PRINCESS'S hand]

PRINCESS: This is torture. Someone kill me now. [blushes prettily] Why, thank you, my PRINCE.

PRINCE: At least your character dies. [smiles] It is no problem, I assure you; no problem at all.

PRINCESS: [giggles] Okay, seriously, guys! I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna burst out laughing if this goes on any further.

DIRECTOR: Ya sissy! The scene was almost done!

PRINCESS: Nyeh. It's not my fault you're a terrible director.

DIRECTOR: Why you—!

PRINCE: Okay, okay! Let's take a break, okay?

DIRECTOR: Tch, kids these days...

...

...

TAKE TWO.

START ACT I, SCENE II.

PRINCESS is having dinner with the PRINCE, a close friend of hers.

PRINCESS: PRINCE, my parents are planning to wed us. They have gone to the EMPRESS to break off your engagement to PRINCESS AMETHYST. What are your thoughts on this matter, dear TOPAZ?

PRINCE: I believe it is unnecessary. PRINCESS AMETHYST and I are in love; 'twould be unfair to separate us.

PRINCESS: I was afraid you would say that, my PRINCE. The EMPRESS believes in pure marriages, and so I fear she shall break you and the PRINCESS apart. Do keep AMETHYST close to your Heart, TOPAZ; if she is in your Heart, you will not be without her.

PRINCE: Wise words, my dear. Thou art truly wise beyond thy years.

PRINCESS: [chuckles] I thank thee for thy compliment, dear PRINCE. [glances at clock] Ah! I must take my leave, PRINCE.

PRINCE: Your parents expect you home at six; it is but five-forty-three. Would you please stay for a couple more minutes?

PRINCESS: [uncertainly] If you insist.

PRINCE: Thank you, dear PRINCESS.

PRINCESS: It is my pleasure.

PRINCE: Nay, it is mine, dear lady. [kisses the PRINCESS'S hand]

PRINCESS: [blushes prettily] Why, thank you, my PRINCE.

PRINCE: [smiles] It is no problem, I assure you; no problem at all.

PRINCESS: [giggles] Kind words, them.

PRINCE: Then I am glad I uttered them, PRINCESS.

PRINCESS: Oh, you flatter me, dear PRINCE. [glances at clock once more] Now, I must truly take my leave, my dear.

PRINCE: Farewell, then, and good luck. [kisses PRINCESS on both cheeks]

PRINCESS: Farewell, darling, until the morrow.

PRINCESS exits.

PRINCE: [sits back down heavily] I cannot believe it, but I fear I am beginning to fall in love with her.

END ACT I, SCENE II.

...

...

DIRECTOR: Okay, that was better than before. Keep up the acting, ya hear!

AXEL: Easy for you to say. You don't have to witness your two best buds practically [beep] each other on camera.

DIRECTOR: Suck it up, ya pansy.

...

...

START ACT I, SCENE III.

LORD and LADY are talking to their daughter, PRINCESS SILVER, in their courtyard.

LORD: SILVER, the deed is done: You are now to be wed to your friend, the PRINCE TOPAZ.

PRINCESS: Father! He loves the PRINCESS AMETHYST! You cannot tear them apart!

LORD: I can, and I have. I apologize, SILVER, for this inconvenience, but it had to happen.

PRINCESS: [flees crying]

LADY: ... Well, that could have been taken better. Do you want some tea, dearest?

LORD: Yes, my dear, I would like that very much.

END ACT I, SCENE III.

...

...

DIRECTOR: You have [beep] acting, XION.

XION: I'd like to see you do better, [beep]hat!

ROXAS: XION! Arguing with him will get you nowhere!

XION: Says you!

ROXAS: Yes, says me, now come on; let's go get some lemonade and sea-salt ice-cream.

XION: [cheers up immediately] Aw, thanks, ROXAS!

ROXAS: 'S no problem.

...

...

END ACT I.