Disclaimer: I wish Bandslam had been mine.

Author's Note: I haven't written anything in a very long time, so I'm apologizing in advance if this is crap. There are several moments in the movie that should have warranted a, "Dear David Bowie" letter, and this is one of those moments.

This hasn't been edited or proof read yet. I'm not going to lie, I just really want to be the first person to post a Bandslam fanfic, so I'll go back and edit this later on.


Dear David Bowie,

I never thought I'd say this, but I, Will Burton, have girl problems.

I bet that's something you never thought you'd hear. Heck, I'm still having issues comprehending it.

Will Burton has girl problems. I have girl problems. I. Have. Girl. Problems.

It still doesn't seem possible. A few months ago I didn't even have a friend, save for my mother, but let's face it; if you consider your mom your friend, then you definitely don't have any friends. And now, I'm managing a band, I'm friends with the schools ex-head cheerleader, and I have girl problems. It doesn't seem right does it?

I'm not entirely sure if moving to New Jersey thrust me into an alternate universe or not, but if this is all real, then I definitely need some advice. It sounds girly, I know, but now that I know what it's like to have friends, I don't particularly feel like talking to my mom about this. Charlotte will probably offer me advice and help me plan some way to fix this. But considering the fact that she already had to educate me in how to kiss a girl, I fear that I may be totally emasculated if I ask her for help once again. I don't think I'm close enough to the guys in the band to ask them for advice. At least not without Basher giving me another glare that leaves me quivering in my Chuck Taylors. The guy is a drummer. He's got that whole broody, wounded soul thing going for him, that I've heard girls like, and only dates older girls; I'm doubting whether he's ever had girl problems other than the fact that they're too clinging or not old enough.

So that's why I'm asking you for advice. Not something I'd usually do in my emails, but ever since we moved to New Jersey, I've been doing different things; might as well do something different in my emails too.

You know that girl I kissed last week? The one with the hat? Her name is Sa5m, and I think I really screwed things up with her. No, that isn't a typo, she really does spell her name with a 5. It's silent. It's part of what makes her so unbelievably cool. I know I said Charlotte was the coolest person on the planet, but Sa5m… Sa5m's different. She used to stutter, so now she talks with this really deadpanned, monotone voice, which admittedly I thought was kind of weird. But she doesn't even care that people think it's weird. That's another thing that makes her cool; she doesn't seem to care that she's not like every other girl at school. She's always reading, like always, she drinks her coke using a twizzler as a straw and her favorite movie is Evil Dead 2.

Side note, I looked up the movie and it's prequel on Wikipedia, this is definitely no chick flick, and I doubt Sa5m invited me just so she could hide in the crook of my neck when a scary moment happened.

Overall, the word 'normal' isn't exactly what I'd use to describe Sa5m. But it's all part of why I like her. I feel like on some sort of level she gets me.

I'm feeling really girly right about now. Almost like I'm a guest on Oprah and the topic is something lame like, 'How to get a guy to feel emasculated in three minutes flat.'

But yeah, Sa5m knows what it's like not to have friends, so we can relate on that level. I don't feel overly nervous around her like I do with Charlotte sometimes. Not that it's a bad thing; it's more comforting than anything. And I haven't gotten to the best bit yet. She likes The Aggrolites! Well, at least the song, 'Free Time.' But the best bit is that I didn't even have to explain what kind of music it was, she just got it! The fact that she understood it moved her up to like, number four in my book. Not even Charlotte got it when I played the song for her; though to be fair she's more of a rocker chick than anything else.

I went over to Sa5m's house after school today to apologize again. She wouldn't listen to a word I said. But her mom showed me this old video of Sa5m at a talent show. Sa5m's full of surprises. Just when I think I might actually have her figured out, she does something that throws me off. I found out today that she knows how to play the acoustic guitar. I have no idea how that never came up in our conversations before, especially since she knows about the whole Bandslam thing. But she knows how to play the guitar, and how to sing too. And she's amazing. Like, really, really amazing. And I'm not just saying that because I like her. The judges had to be morons not to give her first place. She played a cover of Bread's, 'Everything I Own,' and I've never seen her look so vulnerable, and so unlike herself.

Sa5m's definitely more complicated and interesting than anyone gives her credit for. Finding out about this other side to her is only making me want to know more, and making me feel like more of an ass than I did before.

I need to fix this whole mess. You see, I kind of stood her up on Saturday night. And by 'kind of', I mean, I did. I know what you're thinking, how could I stand up the only girl that's ever really liked me? To be honest, I have no idea either. I don't know what happened! Charlotte invited me to see one of the bands that are competing in Bandslam, The Burning Hotels; they're kind of a mix of The Killers and maybe Franz Ferdinand, and the next thing I know I'm at my first gig ever doing a stage dive into the mosh pit. All the while Sa5m is standing on the side of the street, outside the college, completely dateless and feeling rejected.

Rejected by Will Burton. That can't be a good feeling.

I don't know when I turned into this huge jerk, but I have to fix this. Sa5m may not be like other girls, but something tells me the saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" applies to all women.

Do you have any tips or ideas on how I could fix this? I thought about the whole serenading her thing, but Sa5m doesn't strike me as the type to fall for that. Even if Charlotte claims that Sa5m likes me enough to be doodling "Mrs. Will Burton" on her Chuck Taylors. That, and well, there's a reason I'm the manager of I Can't Go On, I'll Go On, and not the lead singer.

I've got to think of something unique and heartfelt, without looking like a total cheese ball. Humiliating myself might work too. If my plan doesn't work, and she doesn't forgive me, at least she'll feel better that she wasn't the only one humiliated when I stood her up. I still can't believe I did that to her. I'm not exactly being chased by every girl at school, who am I to stand up anybody, let alone the coolest, most unique girl I know?

Now I've really got to stop this segment of Oprah before I feel even more emasculated than I already am. I'm fairly certain the segment was a hit; it didn't even take three minutes to achieve the goal. Nice work Oprah.

Your number one fan,
Will Burton.