It is like being handed sanity pills. Perhaps I have, perhaps I have been poisoned. Or made better, depending on your point of view. Because as I stare at Sirius now, I know that I love him.
I don't love him because he was the first man to have me, to possess me and make me forget my own name, to make me forget my own life, my purpose, my friends, my best friends, to make me forget everything, everything except for him.
I love him, because I love him, his soul, his smell, his molten silver eyes, his anger, his passion, his bravery, his sheer pure and unadulterated recklessness, the delight with which he lept down those ministry steps the last time I ever saw him alive, the freedom in every bounce of stride, the glee, the bliss, even in dying, laughing.
And I so very nearly jepordised it, hell, I practically destroyed it before my very eyes, but he loves me, I knew that as his rythem began to calm, as he stopped slamming into me as if it might be the very last time, as if it were revenge, and more like he had missed me, like he wanted me, so I could feel his eyes on mine, stunned, amazed, delighted, with only the merest tinge of desperation.
And as I hear us planning telling Harry, our limbs entwined, his silver eyes dancing as he watches me, my hands waving about, the excited high pitched note in my voice, I can feel myself becoming something, something I should have been years ago. Something Sirius knows I should have been. Something he should have been, but never had the chance.
The chance that was snatched from him, ripped from him, but that I had without thinking about, hat I pushed aside, without realising, without relishing and treasuring it, the opportunity to grow up, to think things through, to see things from both sides and think of the best, not the most comfortable, the most enjoyable, the easiest.
And I choose him. I choose Sirius. I don't care what it costs me. I don't care. I will make a new life if I have to. Because I know now that some things are worth it. And he is worth it. It will be worth it. Because I am his. But I am Hermione Granger either way, always, finally, and I will never not be again. I am fixed.