To High Command of *~$#-

From Zybqwp Galaxy, Star System 144, Planet 3 (Earth)

A Report on the Subject of Human Copulation

As you may recall, in my last report I identified three dominant species on this planet. In ascending order:

3. Humans

2. Dogs

1. Cats

However, as my host is owned by neither a dog nor a cat, my observations have been limited to the third species. This far their culture has proven to be quite unique as well as surprising in its inefficiency at anything but wasting Planet 3's abundant natural resources. It is, in fact, shocking that humans have become even the planet's third most dominant species.

Regardless, their culture does bear a lot of examining. I may even go so far as to say that everything must be examined, since humans appear to have perfected the art of concealing the truth from other humans. What purpose this serves is impossible to say, since it more often than not causes widespread misery.

My host informs me that this practice is known as politics.

On that note, I would like to introduce the subject of this report, a subject that appears to involve nothing but this so-called "politics" – human copulation.

(I should note here that while humans do appear all the same at first, they do in fact have two genders. Gender A is obviously dominant, since traditional roles call for Gender B to leave the home every day and work. Furthermore, Gender B can be easily controlled by Gender A through such simple actions as a smile or a touch.

(My host, and the vast majority of humans it interacts with, is of Gender B. Gender B is generally referred to as male, or man.)

While it is necessary for one human of each gender to be involved in copulation for a child to be conceived, occasionally two humans of the same gender will pair off. This is the case in the subject of my host and a young man from an island nation across a large body of water. This is considered mildly unorthodox, but not unduly so. However, why any human would choose to copulate for any purpose other than conceiving a child is beyond me. I have observed the process (unseen, I may add – having once accidentally happened upon my host and his partner performing the act, my host's partner proceeded to throw things at my head. It certainly isn't my fault if they wish to mate on the kitchen table) and it seems generally unpleasant, involving a lot of sweat and noises that usually indicate pain. Despite this, sensors I have surreptitiously placed on my host indicate high levels of pleasure-inducing chemicals being released in his brain during this activity. Since there is obviously no physical pleasure involved, I can only conclude that all humans are, on some biological level, masochists.

Thus far, human copulation is mildly odd, but nothing out of the ordinary for this planet. What makes this process unique to humans is that way copulation continues even when the actual act of mating is not taking place. As the only pairing I have directly observed for any length of time, my host and his partner appear to be copulating almost all the time, even when they are not touching. In fact, even while he and his partner are arguing, the sensors on my host register some of the same chemicals being released that are released during mating.

On the other hand, a large number of these arguments end in copulation. This could be a primitive method of the elegant "mating dances" performed by many of the flying species of this world. Whatever it is, it seems vastly inefficient – just another example of human "politics," and as unlikely to work as all of them.

I mentioned this to my host and suggested that if he wanted to mate with his partner, he could just tell him so. My host laughed and replied, "But that would take out all the fun!"

Truly, humans can be inscrutable.

The characteristic of denying the urge to copulate is not unique to my host and his partner. My host has taken me to several meetings of his colleagues and him. Multiple couples immediately revealed themselves to me. However, it seemed that in most cases, at least one of the pairing was vehemently denying it to the rest of the world.

For example, two brown haired males who obviously wished to copulate argue the entire time (more specifically, the younger of the two constantly insulted and swore at the other, who took it with relatively good humor.) In a more complex example, another brown haired young male constantly hung on the arm of, and talked to, a yellow haired male. To me, this expressed his wish to copulate far more clearly than the previous examples. Mysteriously, the yellow haired male did his best to ignore the other the entire time. This would not be so odd if he did not wish to mate with the other man – but on the contrary, he very noticeably did so.

(A few far more efficient and sensible cases were also at these meetings. There was one particularly large male who had appeared to have mated with a good deal of the other humans in the room. As far as I could tell from limited observations, he did this by simply acting as though the others did not have a choice in the matter. Very efficient, although possibly unpleasant for the other humans involved. Another man with yellow hair as well as hair on his face was also more efficient – he skipped the preliminary "mating dance" and went straight to the first steps of copulation. Strangely, the humans seemed to object to this. This leads me to believe that the steps beforehand are actually more important to humans than the act itself. Once again, a vast inefficiency. )

I cannot begin to understand why humans would perform these "politics" and deny to one another that they want to copulate.

When I explained this to my host and asked him about it, he was startlingly unhelpful. All he said was, "Spain and Romano are together? No way! I guess I could see Germany and Italy, but – Romano's a total asshole to Spain."

I pointed out that my host's partner acted much the same way to him and my host appeared confused. "Yeah, but…that's just how England is."

I gave up. It appears humans are completely obtuse on these subjects, perhaps even deliberately so – it could be "politics" again.

I am aware that this report has offered much evidence but few conclusions. However, I challenge anyone to try to draw more sense from it than I have! The mating habits of humans are not only completely inefficient, they reject potential efficiency. They drag themselves through days of depression after a single misplaced work or look, all in order to perform an act that cannot possibly be that pleasant, that does not result in conception or anything but a sticky mess, and yet it takes up a disproportionate amount of thought and action. Yes, I have not been able to draw many answers from this mass of evidence, but I have concluded that is because there are no answers to be drawn! Human copulation, especially the subset of it referred to as "love" is not only completely random, but also extremely mentally painful.

I believe that no one but a human could ever possibly understand this aspect of their culture.

Signing off,

-*#$$/ (known on Earth as Tony)