Kiba was allergic to it.
When Kiba started sneezing and Ino began whining hours on end about a foul odor that she didn't have a doubt was Akamaru and Kiba's filth and particularly disorderly behavior since coming down with a "flu", Kiba began to search for the culprit.
With both his and his dog's nose sensitivity, and as his sneezing became more intense, they found a small jar of it with a filter cloth cover hidden underneath Ino's lingerie.
Ino adamantly refused that she had anything to do with it.
Ino cried when she watched chick flicks—whenever in the movie it rained, they fought, they cried, they shared a drink, they weren't standing two inches away from each other. She cried particularly hard when there was a happy ending.
Kiba didn't get it. He said so.
When she punched him in the fun stuffs, he got it.
Ino loved new things—the newest and widest television so you could watch three shows at once, the latest, shiniest stove, the newest refrigerator that could feed the dog—whatever it was, if it was new, she loved it. And wanted it.
Kiba loved old things. He wanted a bed passed down five generations or so, a sofa that was coming apart at the seams, a rug that was old as dirt, and paintings that he drew in the first years of the academy.
They decided on a compromise. Ino could have what she could afford, and Kiba could have what he could afford.
Their parents furnished their house.
"What was that for?"
Let's go to bed, said Ino, decked out in nothing but a thin layer of whipped cream.
Got to wash Akamaru first, said Kiba without turning around.
He can wait, said Ino a little more forcefully. She cleared her throat and then returned to a lusty, I love dirty dogs.
Just give me two seconds, said Kiba. AH—the hell was that for?
Kiba didn't get any fun—or any bed, for that matter—that night.
Ino was the paparazzi of the town. Therefore, Kiba was the first to know everything.
Sakura seduced Kakashi! The little slut, was on Monday, when Sakura had claimed title of head nurse that Ino was vying for.
Naruto pulled Shikamaru's pants down during an A-rank mission, was on Tuesday, when she didn't get selected to go on the aforementioned mission.
The Hyuuga head was assassinated by someone in their own family! was on Wednesday, when Neji had picked the last apple at the market.
A swarm of parasitic insects is blamed for the failure of crops this year, was on Thursday, when Shino had left the Yamanaka flower shop without buying anything.
On Friday, while Kiba was out with Hinata for the fifth time that week, working on how to negotiate a treaty with a distant village, Sakura told Kiba politely that Ino was naked in the woods with Sai.
A few minutes later, when Kiba approached, he found this was not a rumor. Ino was indeed in the nude before Sai.
You whore, said Kiba, a growl coming from his chest.
You're one to talk, said Ino, hanging all over Naruto's woman.
Sai courteously got up and walked away.
Kiba was primed and ready to win the next dogfight. He had Akamaru on a hardcore regimen of three laps around Konoha per hour from lunch till dinner, and—with a promise that the profits would be split sixty-forty—a bit of help from Chouji's slipping a few Akimichi pills.
He had Chouji take Akamaru when he realized it was Ino and his two year anniversary.
Ino hated Inuzuka family reunions.
There was a horrible stench hanging in the air of meat rare to the point of bloodiness, and on top of that the foul odor of dogs secreting distinctive scents to identify each other. Not to mention pissing all over the place to mark territory—layer upon layer of urine as they competed on who could outbid for a little square foot of dead grass.
But they were animals. What was most unacceptable was that the family members themselves smelled like they hadn't bathed in days. Gathered altogether, it was like a greenhouse of toxic fumes ready to eat her alive.
It was okay, though, when Kiba made sure to secure a salad for her.
Sword & Shield.
When Kiba tasted the green peas, he reflexively gagged. He didn't mean to, honest.
It ended up him using the table as a shield to fend off Ino's vicious stabbing with the butcher knife.
My happy ending.
Ino wanted to get married in a church with the whole village attending and have a silky white dress with a train that reached to the heavens and a thousand-carat diamond ring (were that possible) and a dazzling white horse to carry her off into the sunset as she happily rode away with Prince Charming.
Hopefully, when she threw the bouquet, Sakura wouldn't catch it.
She told this to Kiba as they rode Akamaru back home from Tenten's birthday bash.
Windows of the soul.
We need to get the windows fixed, said Ino, surveying the damage.
They look fine to me, said Kiba, chewing on a drumstick as he studied the muddied window with the bottom half missing.
If you don't get these fixed by yesterday, no sex tonight, said Ino.
While at the store, Kiba realized that he had forgotten his wallet at home.
Served your purpose.
We're out of toilet paper, said Ino to Kiba as she was in the washroom.
He tossed her a leaf.
We're out of meat, said Kiba a few days later.
She tossed him Akamaru.
The second time they slept together, they forgot to close the windows. Midway through the session, they heard a click. They looked up to see a grinning Kankurou snapping away with a Polaroid.
After Ino had chased him out, she brought back a copy and tacked it over their bed for all to see.
It's still there.
Do you think I'm an annoying, loud, scary, ferocious beast? asked Ino. Do you think I'm fat? Do you think that I'm jealous of other girls? Do you think I'm a slut?
Are you on your period? asked Kiba.
If only you were handsome like Sasuke, said Ino one day. If only you were cool like Neji. If only you were smart like Shikamaru. If only you were sweet like Chouji. If only—
—you would shut up, said Kiba.
I can be all of them—and foxy like Naruto in bed! pleaded Kiba at the door desperately, five minutes later.
Ino grumbled about how flowers didn't get lost when she set out to help Kiba find Akamaru.
You would never be so upset if I disappeared, she said. After searching high and low in the frigidly cold weather, they finally found him.
With a girl dog.
They were speechless. I thought Akamaru was some kind of eunuch to you, said Ino. Kiba shrugged.
After deciding that Akamaru would indeed come home, Kiba said, Akamaru's got his bitch, I want mine, and slung his arm over Ino's shoulder.
That night, Ino decided that sex was a lot more fun without a dog watching.
Words of the heart.
Shikamaru proposed to Sakura today, said Ino grumpily. She was in the middle of healing him when he popped the question. She probably had to wrangle it out of him, that little…
You set them up, said Kiba.
Ino ignored him. She said he said he thought that it was too troublesome to not get married, so they should just get it over with. And he didn't like hospitals so it might be nice to be healed in his own home. And that—
Ino looked at Kiba. Kiba looked at Akamaru. Akamaru looked at Ino.
—he wanted to play shougi with her for the rest of his life.
Ino stared at Kiba. Kiba stared at Akamaru. Akamaru slunk out the door.
I— said Kiba.
Ino looked like she was trying to pretend she didn't know there was a surprise party for her.
I'm hungry, said Kiba.
I'm Sai's model, said Ino haughtily to Kiba as he dragged her home angrily for the fifth time from finding her stark naked with Sai.
Yeah, well, from that whopping dagger in his pants, I'm thinking he's getting a free show, grumbled Kiba.
I'm almost there, said Ino to Kiba one day.
Almost at a B cup, she said.
Nowhere near Hinata's C's, snorted Kiba. Ino looked like a raging bull on steroids.
Er, said Kiba. Maybe if I suck on them, they'll grow faster?
When Kiba visited the Yamanaka house for the first time, Akamaru peed in the precious vase of birds-of-paradise. It was forty minutes of sudden death between Inoichi and Kiba before the family could sit down for dinner.
Ino, having never taught Kiba proper table manners, was horrified when Kiba reached for the juiciest part of the meat without permission. Inoichi's eyes burned with the fire of a thousand hells.
Kiba publicly scratched his future heirs while they were having evening tea. A sound like a pack of beasts emerged from the Yamanaka patriarch's throat.
When Kiba refused to say that he loved Ino, Inoichi lunged.
We're never going to get married, said Ino flatly as they walked home, Kiba limping with Ino's support.
For the Sandaime Hokage's Day, which Tsunade had named in memoriam of his death, all shops were closed. Including the restaurants.
Which meant that Ino would have to cook.
Kiba volunteered that they go over to Naruto's for ramen.
Ino hit him over the head with the frying pan.
Ino had an iron grip on the last mushroom in the hotpot. Kiba was trying to stare her down.
With her free hand, Ino scratched her cheek with her middle finger.
Kiba said, Oh look, I think your boobs are having a growth spurt!
Kiba got the mushroom.
Ino took Kiba bra shopping.
Ino took Sakura's prescription pain relief, because rumor had it that Sakura had asked Hinata to be made of honor instead of her.
When Kiba took them (thinking they were the stash of Akimichi power pills that he had bought, again, to complete his and Akamaru's winning streak) and Ino couldn't fix his problem, she had a horrible feeling in her gut.
Sakura oversaw Kiba's overnight stay at the hospital. When she brought Kiba's meal tray, she brought Ino's bridesmaid dress along with her, laughing and stating that the rumor was just that.
Ino was so happy, she and Kiba went down on the hospital bed.
Ino hadn't actually considered that living with Kiba would connote asking his mother. He was a grown boy, for heaven's sake.
She gave Kiba a dirty look before the doors to the room were closed. The Inuzuka head paid her no attention, instead pacing the floor and looking plenty jittery. Looking up, looking down, looking side to side, Tsume Inuzuka looked like she thought Ino was going to assassinate her.
Ino formulated a plan.
After five minutes of silence, and the sound of a restless Kiba scratching at the door, the matriarch finally spun around and barked, What do you want, girl?
If you promise to say yes, I'll ask you, and you'll be free, said Ino. If you won't promise, I'll never ask, and you can pass out from claustrophobia here and now.
Thankfully, Tsume had pride. Puffing herself up, she grunted her promise.
I want to live with your son.
Ino had a smug look on her face as she came out behind Tsume, who looked like a man freed from death-sentence.
Can't deny it.
Who ate the last of the cake? hissed Ino. She looked at Akamaru. Was it you?
Akamaru gave her the doe eyes. She stalked toward the television.
You bastard, she growled, you ate my cake.
Aren't you on a diet? said Kiba, affixed to the screen.
I jogged twice around the village with Lee just to have it! cried Ino.
Kiba looked at her. His eyes turned apologetic and soulful like a puppy, and Ino's heart softened a little.
Then he burped. A ghastly burp. A ghastly burp that smelled of strawberries and cream.
The latest diet craze consisted only of unsweetened tea and apples. Henceforth, Ino was seen with an apple and a bottle of tea at all times.
One morning, groggy and delirious from a night of action and fun, Ino and Kiba reached in for their bottles. Both spat out the substances at once.
What the hell is this? howled Kiba.
Oh my god! shrieked Ino. I just had whole milk! Whole, fucking, fattening milk!
What the hell is this crap? repeated Kiba.
My tea! yelled Ino, diving for it. But it was too late. Kiba had dumped it all out the window.
The next night, Kiba took Ino out to barbeque. Ino—grudgingly—had four servings.
Ino could not carry a tune in a bucket. Kiba made sure she did not sing in the shower by either turning on the hot water in the kitchen so that her water was freezing—hell, her screaming was better than her singing—or by getting in the shower with her.
Kiba, on the other hand, sang like a million dollars. The only problem was that he could never get the words right. Instead of singing a sweet lullaby to a lover in a distant land, he would sing a battle cry to a hippo in the trees.
They decided that the only music that would be occurring in the house would be the hard rock drowning out the moans at night.
Have you noticed, said Kiba, that there's always a secret move that the others have stored for the critical life-and-death situation?
Ino looked at him pityingly. Poor Kiba had had no assignments for the past three months and he was feeling restless.
Like, at first, you think that the Gentle Fist is deadly, right?
Ino's eyes narrowed. She hated talk of the Hyuuga.
Then all of a sudden, at a critical moment, there's an ultimate Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms! And then, at a more critical instance, there's the even ultimate-er Eight Trigrams One Hundred Twenty-Eight Palms! And then the even more ultimate Eight Trigrams Three Hundred Sixty-One Style! And then above all, the Eight Trigrams Palms Heavenly Spin! But wait—above all that is the Eight Trigrams Palms Great Heavenly Spin! Oh, but there's still more! Then there's the Eight Trigrams Palms Heavenly Spin Absolute!
Good lord, said Ino, rolling her eyes. Eight Trigrams Palms Heavenly Kiss Absolute!
And she did.
The ceremony for the Nara wedding was short and sweet.
Ino snickered to Kiba that Sakura could sweep Shikamaru off his feet as they walked off. But instead, Shikamaru put an arm around Sakura's waist as they walked out, apparently too shy—or too lazy—to give a showy kiss to the crowd.
Ino saw the bouquet flying in slow motion. It arced across the sky, ribbon trailing in the wind, petals scattering the ground like rain, landing straight into Kiba's arms.
There was no justice in the world.
"Wait a minute!"
Kiba stared down at the thing in his arms.
That's sweet, he said. Thanks.
Go on, wear it! said Ino, smiling.
Uh—where—why don't you put it on me, said Kiba. Ino grinned happily and looped it around his neck. Okay Akamaru, said Kiba uncomfortably, let's go. So we can take this thing off before— Hold it! Shit. I have one for Akamaru too!
— Dry your tears.
Ino was weeping openly for the poor sick dying girl laying on the hospital bed, bald and clinging to her loyal boyfriend's arms.
She…what a pure innocent heart! Ino sobbed. A star named for her! That's it! Poor, sweet girl! As the credits rolled, she sneezed into a new tissue and tossed it to the ground.
What the f— said Kiba as he came into the room. And slipped on tissue, landing right on his ass.
Over the howls of laughter, Kiba grumbled, It's better when you cry.
When Inoichi heard of his daughter's engagement, he flung himself off the roof.
It was a good thing his wife caught him, because I need to have my daddy walk me down the aisle, said Ino.
As they dug through things in their houses to bring over to the apartment, Ino found her old uniform in the chuunin days. She demanded Kiba find and bring his too.
When they put them on, Ino found she couldn't fit it anymore. The fabric tugged at her chest as if trying to explode, and she couldn't breath from the tightness around the hips and thighs.
Kiba found that he could comfortably wallow in his. With a vicious growl, Ino tore off her uniform and jumped Kiba, stripping him of his.
That's hot, said Kiba before he rolled over and stopped saying anything at all.
Ino flaunted Kiba's chuunin uniform to Sakura, telling her how comfortable and warm it was. Obviously, her immaturity worked, as the next day, Sakura was seen wearing Shikamaru's own uniform from the past.
Kiba almost laughed as he was treated—by himself.
Ino told him to shut up.
Seven deadly sins.
Kiba didn't know any of the sins except for Lust.
I'm going to hell, aren't I, he said to Ino that night.
What the hell are you talking about, said Ino, flipping him over so she got top.
Akamaru's girlfriend had peed in Ino's soymilk. It was now the color—and smell—of rotten eggs. When Ino came home, Kiba hid under the bed like a man.
"Never give up!"
Don't you think it's weird, said Kiba. We've had sex at least…god, who knows how many times. And you still aren't pregnant.
You want me to be?
Well, maybe this time, yeah?
As expected, Kiba won the dog fight. After drinking the night away with Chouji, and spending a wee bit of time in a strip club, he returned home with sixty percent of his winnings.
Ino, check this out! We're going to be—
He froze in his tracks as Ino approached bashfully, batting her eyelashes and clasping her hands behind her back.
Darling, she said, holding a credit card to her pouting lip, I have a confession to make…
What a gyp, he muttered to Akamaru as he flipped through the receipts.
When he heard that Neji was probably going to be a virgin for life to serve Hinata, Kiba almost pissed in his pants laughing.
When he heard that Naruto had once again been chosen over him for another S-rank mission, a vein almost blew.
When he heard that Ino was waiting at home wearing nothing at all, he was already loosening his belt as he sprinted home.
Black & white.
Wouldn't it be cuter if Akamaru were spotted? asked Ino.
No, said Kiba.
Just a black patch, then, on his nose. Kind of like a mole.
If it'll get you to shut up, dammit, then do it.
The next day, instead of being white with a black dot, Akamaru was black with a white dot.
Oops, said Ino.
Ino was sitting down with her hands folded, so Kiba knew it was bad.
You have a letter, said Ino flatly.
You have five, said Kiba back, glancing at the pile.
Six, she said sharply. Then, you have a letter.
Are you the only one allowed to get them? asked Kiba.
You have a letter from a woman.
Kiba did a double take. What? he said.
Who the hell is this? Ino shoved the envelope into his hands.
I don't know, he protested. You— Then he opened the letter. Oh. He glanced at her nervously.
Her eyes narrowed. It's, uh… he said. Uh, the veterinarian. Then he lowered his hand to his crotch and ran away.
You son of a bitch! she yelled. The veterinarian is your sister!
— Boundless energy.
You're tired today, said Sakura to Ino at work. Ino grabbed a coffee.
Yeah, she said. But she was smiling. It was a pretty crazy night last night.
Sakura shook her head. That Kiba's going to wear you out, she said, crushing her cup and tossing it to the garbage can.
But he never gets tired! whined Ino. And when he does, Akamaru… She sighed happily, and was so preoccupied she didn't realize she had just reached for the cream instead of the non-fat milk.
Kiba came back that morning, hungover and a crooked grin. Unconsciously, he reached down and straightened his pants.
Where were you last night? Ino asked crossly, waiting at the kitchen table with her arms folded.
Kiba saw her and pivoted, and walked right back out the door.
We can't get married, said Kiba solemnly.
Ino dropped her shoe catalogue. What? she exclaimed. But I— Did your mother— I thought I—
I'm in love with Hinata, he said. I can't hide it any longer.
Ino was speechless. Then her eyes narrowed, her nose flaring and her teeth gnashing.
You ruddy jackass— Her eyes came into focus with the Inuzuka pride.
Kiba covered himself, and said, April fool's!
Ino glared at him, but her fists unclenched.
Three hours later, Kiba was strolling home after he'd taken Akamaru to get his checkup, when he glanced over at the flower shop and saw Ino getting particularly doe-eyed with Aburame Shino, who was handing her a rose. He signaled Akamaru with a flick of his middle finger and whispered, Sic him.
They leapt into the store in a battle formation. Shino turned around, his usual poker face giving nothing away, and Ino said formally, Hello there, Inuzuka. How can I help you today? Her hand slithered toward Shino's and squeezed gently.
Kiba relaxed. This is an April Fool's right? He laughed. Jesus. Good one. Except you've got to get someone better than Shino.
Ino looked at him coolly. Shino did not even flinch when she grasped his arm and hugged him to her.
The pair turned around and resumed murmuring quietly.
Shit, he said.
Kiba barged into Kankurou's apartment with no knock. Kankurou and Temari looked up from their—well, some obscure game. I'm going to need your stash, he said.
Two floors down, to the left, and straight on to the second to last door, said Kankurou. Temari looked puzzled.
He looks drunk enough already, she said.
Eh, said Kankurou, this stuff happens when you get dumped.
Temari glanced over Kankurou's shoulder and stood up. I think I'll go give him a bit of therapy.
Sakura said nothing to Ino the next morning, but she repeatedly handed her the easy patients.
Stop patronizing me, snapped Ino. Sakura then gave her Kiba's file.
The two of them nodded at each other, both looking straight past each other, before she went through the routine set of questions.
Then, You're going to need to—
There was a silence.
Kiba removed his shirt.
How's Aburame, said Kiba stiffly.
Fine, said Ino coldly.
Bet he's not as good in bed as I am, he sneered.
Ino said, Don't judge a book by its cover.
Kiba went silent.
How's Temari, said Ino back.
Kinky, said Kiba snidely.
I bet those boobs are fake, said Ino.
They feel as real as anything, said Kiba.
Will you two stop playing around in here and get on with it? said Sakura, who had her arms crossed at the doorway. If you're so desperately jealous, just kiss and make up.
Ino slapped a band-aid on Kiba's injury and strutted out the door.
Kiba waited till the door was closed before pulling her bra out of his pocket, and grinning at Akamaru.
Kiba went to a massage parlor that night, and said to Akamaru, Who needs her to have a good time? I'm in heaven right here.
Ino went to a ladies' poker night and was winning half way through the game. Men, she said in disgust. Girls just got to have fun.
That night, Kiba lay in bed, frequently turning to his side and patting the empty spot next to him forlornly.
Ino walked home that night alone, shivering and wishing someone would give her their fur-lined bomber jacket.
Shino and Ino were sitting together having a hotpot. As usual, Ino was doing most of the talking. Both of them reached forward to grab a mushroom and speared it in their chopsticks at the same time. Ino suddenly had a feeling like this had happened before.
Then Shino relinquished the mushroom to her, like a true gentleman, and Ino brushed it off.
It was a perfect day, sunshine and blue sky and perfect white clouds you wanted to pad your butt with. Kiba was shopping for apples when he realized he had forgotten his wallet at home.
He went home and got his wallet and came back out to get the apples. Along the way, he remembered he had forgotten his coat when he'd gotten his wallet.
He went home and got his jacket, and came out again. Just as he got to the market, he looked up and saw that that the sun was really quite bright. He went home and retrieved his sunglasses and came out again.
As he was walking to the market again, he passed by a barbeque pit and realized that he was hungry. He remembered that he had a free coupon for Ichiraku's ramen place, and went back. Once he had gotten it, he realized he had two.
Stuffing them both in his pocket, we walked toward the ramen place. Along the way, he met with Sakura and Shikamaru. They were sitting on a bench, Sakura looking livid and Shikamaru's brow furrowed.
Kiba thought of Ino, and then tried to not think of her, but failed, as thinking of not thinking of her was thinking of her.
He looked up and realized he forgot Akamaru's special supplements that Chouji had directed him to take after each meal, as this one would ensure success. He went back and dug inside his pillowcase to find them, and then looked up at the headboard. It was the photo of him and Ino entangled, memory of the fateful Kankurou night.
Deciding that he needed to let his groin think for him this time, he stuffed the pills in his pocket and jogged to the Yamanaka residence. After having been rudely shut out by the patriarch, he snuck around to the back and tapped on her window.
He could hear her rolling out of bed and trudging to the window. Opening it, she looked out.
For a moment so incredibly rare and photo-worthy, both were completely silent.
But of course, Ino got frustrated with the silence.
Say something, you dumbass, said Ino.
Come back, dammit, said Kiba.
Okay, snapped Ino, and shut her window.
Hey, Ino whispered, shaking Kiba sleeping next to her.
What, muttered Kiba, rolling over and twisting his finger in his ear.
I hear something, she said.
No you don't, he said absently.
Don't you care if we get robbed? Murdered? Ino's finger connected with his gut. We won't. We're ninja, said Kiba, kneading his temples.
Exactly! Who else dares to break into a ninja's house than a better ninja? Ino gasped. And I'll be the first victim! I'm the lady! A beautiful one, at that. They'll take me. Use me! Doesn't that make your blood boil?
Hn, Kiba grunted, turning over and scratching his armpit.
You piss me off.
Hey, hey, this is your personal bodyguard you're talking to, said Kiba, raising a finger without bothering to turn over to look at her. I would watch it if I were you.
My…personal bodyguard? Ino repeated slowly.
That's right, sweetheart. Kiba yawned, and then nodded sleepily. Sometimes, I wouldn't mind if they just carted you off. They'd probably pay me money to take you back.
Sweetheart? Ino was smiling.
Go to sleep, for chrissakes, woman.
Mm… Ino put her arms around Kiba and scooted in closer. Be my personal bodyguard forever?
— Hidden among us.
How did you lose it? A helluvalotta money went into that!
It's here. Hidden. In all of our stuff. I think.
Our stuff? I look like a beggar when you compare my stuff to yours—what do you mean, you think? It's outside? This village is fucking huge!
I don't have that much—and no, I'm pretty sure it's here. That is, I think…there's no way to be—
Will you just look for the goddamn thing? There's no new one.
It's so small, how are we ever going to find it?
Small? It was the biggest one I could find, dammit!
Well, if you let me show it to the girls sometimes, I might not have lost it!
It's not something you show!
Yes, it is! Look, what if your dog ate it? He might have mistaken it for a—
He wouldn't. It's your damn fault, stop blaming it on others.
If you're so desperate, help me look! Don't you ever put that nose of yours to good use?
I am looking! Just—don't talk to me. Go look on the other side. Fuck! You are such a stupid, brainless, shallow—
I found it.
I. Found. It. Would you like to guess where?
How should I know?
It was in your jacket.
Oh. Uh, how did it—
How should I know? I'm just a stupid—
Get down on your knee and put it on me.
Hell no, woman, I already did that once.
Well, do it again, jackass.
You want to explain to this brainless shallow bitch why it was in your pocket then?
Your finger is so fat it won't even fit.
What the hell are you doing? Say the right words. Say it with love.
Jesus. Will you marry me, Ino, you demanding cow?
AN: That took me like, two years. And I thought the ending was really weak and lame. But I wash my hands of this. Thanks for reading.