Note : This fic is co-authored with Dlvvanzor, author of too many great fics to name them all, but I really suggest you take a look at her profile to read them !!
Dlvvanzor : Matt
xxbeyondxbirthdayxx : Mello
Lines in italic are the incoming mails.
Fuck. I'm so bored it hurts. Holy fucking shit of boredom. Not like trying to find new swears will help.
I've switched through TV channels twice. Nothing.
Tried to find a book I didn't read already. Nothing.
I've jerked off four times since this morning but now my balls hurt.
I shouldn't have taken days off, I really wonder what went through my mind when I said to my men I would rest a few days. As if I could stop being busy. But that last transaction failure got the best of me- I think I could have killed even my men after that, I was pissed off beyond breaking point.
Ok, let's go back to HQ, before boredom drives me crazy.
Or watch porn on my laptop! (WHAT? YES I'm addicted to sex, what's wrong with that ? Work, chocolate and sex, when you've got gasoline in your veins instead of blood, you've got to get the energy out in a way or another. And I can't kill everyone on Earth so I do them instead)
Ok, let's go for porn, and HQ later. Could I screw one of my men ? No, scratch that, I need them to fear me, not to worship the sex god that I am (not that it wouldn't be fun, but there's no way I let them know that the big boss is gay. No. Fucking. Way. Or maybe I could make it a new rule in the Mafia and shoot the ones that refuse to be gay? That would rock... but well, I'm not running a brothel)
I began surfing through porn sites, trying to erase the monologue running sickly in my mind. This add kept on flashing on every site I visited, and I finally clicked it out of annoyance, maybe it would go away after that.
Single White Male dot Com. What's that fuck? A dating site. Who needs a website to find a date? Someone who doesn't have my sex appeal, I guess.
I go out, bar, club, the street even, I choose, I bring it home, as simple as that. Just. Look. At. Me. And take the garbage bag with you when you leave, thanks.
Eyes : blue.
Hair : blond. Long.
Height : 5' 7"
Weight : 114 pounds (Is that a medical test or what )
Gender : female (Yep, I'll go there, and with my height and weight it's not even suspicious)
Hobbies : (except killing people, fucking around and eating chocolate ? Oh, and jerking off, don't forget the jerking off...) Motorbike, reading, shopping (Yeah, that looks more girly)
Occupation : CEO of a multinational society (Not really a lie)
Looking for : male
I took a picture of me with my cell phone from an angle where it really did make me look girly and added it to my profile. What had I just done? God, boredom makes me really act weird.
Holy shit. My profile's just been posted and I already have mail?
Oh, that's just the confirmation of my subscription. Would've been fast. But hey, it'd better be fast, I'm already bored again.
Bang. (Yes, my new mail alarm is the sound of a gun.
Four mails. FOUR FUCKING MAILS.
"Hey chick, I'm a fireman, wanna try to set me on fire tonight so I can smother your flames with my long..." oh no, I don't want to, and you don't have what it takes for my fire.
"Hello beautiful lady. I totally fell in love with your picture. I am single and you are all I have been waiting for, I am happy I have stayed pure for you because I am sure you are the woman of my life. Please write me!" Well, I'm pretty sure, seeing your picture, that it was not your choice to stay pure that long.
"Call me XXXXXXXXXXXX." Pedophile. You're in your sixties at least.
"Hello! You're pretty, do you mind if we exchange some mails, to know each other?"
Knowing each other? What for? Well, you're pretty cute on that pic, so let's have some fun, maybe I can fuck you later? Oh wait, I'm supposed to be a girl. Nevermind.
"Hi. You're pretty good looking too, would you like to do a threesome with my boyfriend and me?" sent. Dare reply to that.
She was so cute, I couldn't even stand it. I mean, just look at her, and you'll want her. Motorbikes as a hobby? I'm sorry, but that's just sexy. And man, a CEO? That's hot. It just is. I saw her profile, and knew I had to make my own immediately so that I could mail her, too.
Hair: copper. Short.
Height: 5' 6" (Not. A. Word. I wasn't gonna lie to her. Why would I do that? It'll just make her not trust me right from the beginning)
Weight: 115 pounds (Oh, the angst. I'm like a twig)
Hobbies: Video games, (Shit, what else do I do? ...um... I also... Fuck, I don't do anything else. Screw honesty- I'm gonna lie.) baking chocolate cakes/cookies/brownies (girls LOVE chocolate), motorbikes but I'm just an admirer (She'd like that, and I've played enough racing games that I can probably bullshit my way through it)
Occupation: (Lazy fuckup? Would a CEO like a lazy fuckup? ...no, backspace.) Video game beta. (Better, but not much. At least it's true)
Looking for: Female.
I kept wondering... why was a girl like this on a dating site? Was she like a really controlling bitch or something? If so... sexy.
"Hello! You're pretty, do you mind if we exchange some mails, to know each other?
I leaned back in my seat, proud of myself. Girls always love to be told they're pretty, and in her case, it's even true. It was unlikely that someone like her would reply to me, but I had to take the chance. I couldn't pass her up. I wanted to know her name. At least her name.
(That way, when I die alone, I'll at least have a name to think of... Geeze I suck)
Yes, I'm desperate, so what? I just got dumped for about the millionth time, and the popups for this site kept making my game lag, and I accidentally clicked on one of them. Then I saw that it guaranteed me true love in a month and I couldn't resist. I did a search and found her. Why couldn't I have true love? I wanted true love! And it was starting to look like this site was the only way I was going to get it. Like, ever.
I selected a picture of myself that I had and attached it. I'm not an ugly guy. I'm cute enough.
My mom always used to say I was cute.
...is that bad?
I took a deep breath to calm myself and sent the email. And now we wait.
...Not for long, apparently. "Hi. You're pretty good looking too." Good looking? Yay! I am cute! Take that Tessa! Bwahaha.
I didn't like the second part so much.
"Would you like to do a threesome with my boyfriend and me?" What... the... Hell. Okay, there are a lot of problems with that statement. First off, if she has a boyfriend, why is she on this site? Second, why would I want a girl that picks up extra guys on the internet to make a threesome with? Third off, why would I want to have a threesome with someone I just met? Forth, why would I want to have a threesome with a guy involved, other than me? If it was two girls I might consider.
No. No. That's ridiculous. I'm not like that.
But could I be? For her?
I type slowly. "No, thanks. I'm not into stuff like that." Normally a girl saying that to me would have immediately turned me off. Well, it would have (and had) turned me on, but it would have turned me away from her as a person I might actually be able to love. But... there was something about that picture. It was in her eyes, I think. They were this really cold steel color that 'blue' wasn't adequate for, but they weren't cold. How someone could have eyes like that and not be a cold person, I didn't know. And I had to know. As soon as possible.
She looked like fire.
I had quickly progressed beyond wanting to exchange emails into wanting to meet her, but I knew I had to play it slow. That's what I do: I play things slow. Especially with girls.
Which is why the last three left me- because I wouldn't sleep with them when they asked to, even after a few months. Great, huh? That's what I get for being a gentleman.
Anyway, I had to finish this email, because it looked like she and I were online at the same time, and I was trained to never keep a lady waiting. "I actually just want to talk, for now. Is that okay? So, what are you into? I mean, besides motorcycles, reading, and shopping? :)"
There. Sweet and sensitive. My specialty. My specialty that always failed, but that was irrelevant. It was my specialty, and I was gonna work with it. So there.