Even when I am in bed my thoughts rush to you, my eternally beloved, now and then joyfully, then again sadly, waiting to know whether fate will hear our prayer-
"Kristen?" I mutter into the phone quietly. I hear rustling and then her voice fills my head with recognition and the sanity I have been searching for all day.
"Rob," She sighs in what sounds like relief. "I was starting to think you weren't going to call."
"I'll always call," I promised her again. "Everyday we are apart, remember?"
"Of course." Silence eased the air. It was anything but bitter and anxious, more like liberation. "I got your email today."
"You did?" I laughed under my breath. "Did you like it?"
"You know, for some reason, this one made me cry." She said, her voice suddenly darker than before.
"Oh," I let out unable to keep my voice from cracking. "I'm sorry baby, I don't want you upset. " I pondered the unbearable thought of her tears. "I shouldn't have sent it."
"I'm glad you did." She replied. "God, Rob, I miss you so much."
I felt a tear slide down my cheek.
"Come home to me." She whispered directly into my heart.
"I will." Reassuring but without eager, I slipped into another night of oblivion without her.
To face life I must live altogether with you or never see you.
The most stressful days were when Joan was here. She critiqued everything I did, said, or usually just my acting in general. It was a particular bad day on set when I couldn't find my phone throughout most of the day. His text messages were the only things getting me by.
When I finally found it, buried under my favorite sweatshirt, his sweatshirt, there was no new messages. No missed calls. I bit back a groan and sucked in my breath to keep the tears from falling.
I stumbled into my mini cooper, which Rob had insisted I purchased, and chuckled darkly at his words refreshing my head.
"That truck is too big for you, love. I'd feel better if you were in something smaller."
"But I love my truck!"
"Please, for me?"
Of course I gave in. I was always a sucker for him.
I drove home in complete silence somehow forgetting to turn on the radio. It was so unlike Rob to forget to text me. He was usually sending me messages before I even woke up to start my day. I felt my shoulders relax when I reached my condo. I was home, with a skinned knee and calf from my gruesome fall on the set today, but I was here. I jiggled my keys in the door and before I could turn the knob the door flew open.
I screamed so loud and jumped back in shock. I fell on my ass, for the second time that day, and looked up to find a nervous Rob rushing to hover over me.
"Oh Christ, I'm such an idiot," He mumbled as he lent down over me. "Are you okay, Kris?"
"Rob?" I whispered in disbelief, my anger and fear subsiding. "What are you doing here?"
"I missed you too much." With that, he was on his knees in front of me, grabbing at my newly short hairstyle. Then he was kissing me as if he never left.
Yes, I am resolved to be a wanderer abroad until I can fly to your arms and say that I have found my true home with you and enfolded in your arms can let my soul be wafted to the realm of blessed spirits—
His hands always stroked my hair after sex. It was a ritual, ever since the first time we slept together. I snuggled closer to his chest, running my fingers through his sporadic chest hair. I lifted my head up to look at him and he sighed heavily.
"I don't want to go back tomorrow." I bit my lip, franticly, before burying my face in his chest one again.
"It's hard to sleep without you here." I admitted, mumbling into the security of his body. His arms, once loose around me, tightened on instinct.
"Are you still having trouble?" He pondered as his head shifted to look at me.
"Sometimes," I paused for a moment. "I feel like I can't breathe when you're not here."
"I worry about you constantly," He told me. My heart beat increased. "When you first told me you haven't been able to sleep through the night, I seriously thought about getting myself a private jet to come see you at night." He laughed stupidly, shaking his head.
"Oh yeah," I laughed with his shaking frame. "That would have worked out so well."
"I thought, if I can just be there to hold her until she falls asleep," He shook his head again. "But then I realized that was impossible because of the time difference."
"You are a smart one, Mr. Pattinson," I reached up and brushed his cheek.
"I try," He uttered, completely serious. His hand grasps mine still on his face. "To show you how much I love you. How I would do anything for you. Do you believe me?"
"Without a doubt in my mind." My eyelids drooped as I felt heavy with sleep.
"Go to sleep, sweetheart. I'll be here when you wake up." He cooed in my ear, still stroking my hair, and lulled me to sleep.
Alas, unfortunately it must be so--You will become composed, the more so you know that I am faithful to you; no other woman can ever possess my heart--never—never—
The Emilie rumors were getting to her. She would tell me on the phone how she read another tabloid about how we take breaks together, go for private dinners, or stay in my hotel room all night alone. I would reassure her and she'd brush it off as if she doesn't believe them.
It's killing me.
After an unusually short day on set, I called Kristen when I got back to my hotel room for the day. She didn't answer. It was ten pm California time, and she wasn't working a night set. I tried again. Still, no answer. I sent her a text immediately after.
"Sweetheart, where are you?"
I waited fifteen minutes before I began calling her again. Butterflies erupted in my stomach as a rush of panic hit me.
My phone rang. Jules read upon the caller id. My insides dropped.
"Where is she, Jules? Please tell me she's okay." I began searching my hotel room for my backpack. I could jump on the next flight out.
"She's home and safe, but I wouldn't exactly say she's okay." I felt my knees shake before I sat down on the bed.
"What's wrong?" I was beyond nervous. My hand was trembling as I tried to keep the phone to my ear.
"The rumors are getting to her, Rob," Jules cleared her throat. "We all try to explain they aren't true, but you're there and she's not. She can't see it."
"Can I talk to her?"
"She's actually, um, incoherent, right now." Jules explained gently.
"What do you mean, incoherent?" My heart flooded with more blood than usual.
"She's drunk." Kristen's mother told me.
"Drunk," I repeated as if I didn't believe it. Of course she drank, but she wasn't one to get sloshed.
"She went out with Nikki after set today. I guess she's back from Greece."
"Oh great," I let out a sigh before I heard a crash in the background.
"Um, Rob, let me call you back." She hung up on me.
I brought my phone to my hands as I began writing her a text.
"Kristen Jaymes, I love you more than you could ever know."
Within minutes, my phone rang. Kristen.
"Baby?" I answered immediately.
"Hi," Her voice was thick with tears. "My mom told me she called you."
"Please tell me you aren't starting to believe these ridiculous rumors, Kristen."
"I can't handle this," She cried. "Being apart from you, it's too much."
"It's only for a few more weeks." My heart was now rested in the pit of my stomach. "I'm coming home to you, just like I promised."
"I don't like your co-star." She blurted out due to her drunken state.
"If it makes you feel any better," I brought my voice down lower. "Neither do I."
"It makes me feel better." She sounded weak. "My head is spinning, babe."
"Lay down." I commanded of her. "Keep one foot on the floor so you don't get sick." I stilled. "Make sure you sleep on your side or in the fetal position." I would give anything to be there taking care of her.
"M'kay." I heard her climbing into her bed.
"Did you drink any water?" I asked her as I lay down in my own bed.
"Let's have phone sex." She said, trying to sound sexy even though she was slurring. I laughed out loud.
"You really are drunk, huh?" I smiled and ran my hand through my hair. "Maybe some other time, when you aren't beyond cognition, we can try it out."
"Do you promise?" She mumbled barely understandable and I knew she was falling asleep.
"I promise." I heard her heavy breathing then and knew she passed out. I listened to her breathe for a few more minutes with the phone tight to my ear. I hope she knew just what she meant to me.
Oh God, why must one be separated from her who is so dear.
Paparazzi swarmed the set as I sat outside on the brick stoop. How did they found out our location? My head fell into my hands as my script lay on my lap. I feel like I can't escape this madness. I hear the door creak behind me and soft footsteps falter on the concrete steps.
"Rob," Emilie's voice is behind me. "What's wrong?"
I refused to answer. I know it was her who leaked our location. She tries to put her hand on my shoulder but I lean away just in time. I rock myself silently as Emilie, I'm almost sure of it, poses for the cameras.
I rushed off set as soon as my scenes were finished. I could feel the burning in the back of my eyelids already. I was on the phone with her before I even reached the door to my room.
"Hey, babe," She picked up cheerfully. I broke down in tears at the sound of her voice.
"Kristen," I wiped my eyes furiously. "It's so good to hear your voice, sweetheart."
"What's the matter? Dakota, I'll be right back." She paused momentarily. "Rob, what happened?"
"I need to leave New York. I need to get out of here!" I slam down my bag on the small desk. "Everywhere I go, Kris, photographers are there. I think Emilie is telling them where the shoots are. I swear to God she is!"
"Shh, calm down," She soothed. "It's alright, I'm right here."
"No you're not!" My voice rose higher. "You are not right here, where you are supposed to be! You're five thousand miles away and I can't take being separated from you anymore!"
"I have to go," She told me. My breath hitched in shock as sobs caught in my throat. "I'll call you right back."
"You're just going to hang up on me? I need you right now, Kris." I shut my eyes and bit my lip so hard I tasted blood.
"I know you do. That's why I'm calling the airlines and getting the next flight out to New York." Of course she was. I would never doubt her again.
Yet my life at present is a miserable life--Your love has made me both the happiest and the unhappiest of mortals—
After eating another meal from room service, my knees were bouncing and I started to become antsy.
"Let's go out tonight," I told him standing up. "I'll hop in the shower and then maybe we can go down to the hotel bar."
"I don't think that's such a good idea." Rob expressed while he clicked away on his laptop. "The fans already think you are here. Paparazzi will be on red alert tonight."
"This is so fucking frustrating!" I threw my hands up in defeat. "I hate that we can't even leave this hotel room without getting shit for it."
"I'm so sorry, Kristen." Rob turned away from the computer screen to face me. "I would love to take you out, but you know I can't," He reached out to grab my hand in his own.
"Sometimes I just wish we didn't have this life." I let him caress my fingers with his.
"Me too," He stated sadly. "But then I think of how if it wasn't for this life, I would have never met you." He brought my hand to his lips. "That's something I would give my life for."
"I know what you mean." I sighed and pulled his arm to me and took him into my embrace.
Another night in doesn't sound so bad after all.
At my age I now need stability and regularity in my life--can this coexist with our relationship?
Comi-con was here. It was relief and anxiety all rolled into one. Seeing Rob again would be reliving, but being in front of thousands of screaming fans would be nothing but anxious. Most of the time, I felt as though I loved my fans more than they loved me.
Rob was heading here a day early to spend the night in San Diego with me. Rob had booked us a bungalow at the Paradise Point resort. I walked in to find the most beautiful suite I had ever stayed at. His gestures still surprised me.
I had just finished a long day filming The Runaways and was looking forward to a night of a little relaxation. I noticed the huge claw foot tub and decided to take a bath.
I had been submerged in the water for about ten minutes, listening to my chill out play list on my Ipod, when I heard the door open.
"Kristen?" His beautifully British accented voice called out through the spacious suite.
"In the tub, babe," I hollered back at him when I heard his bag drop to the floor. His footsteps came around the corner and a smile lit up his features when he saw me.
"Taking advantages of the room without me?" He asked mischievously with a raised eyebrow.
"I couldn't resist," I smiled up at him and reached my arms out towards his body. "I had a long day on set."
He walked over towards the tub and instead of grabbing my outstretched arms to pull me out, he jumped in.
"Ahh!" I yelped as water swished over the sides and caused a mess on the floor. "Are you crazy?!" He laughed as his hands grabbed my face.
"About you, yeah," He reached down and kissed my lips.
"Look at your clothes! They're soaked!" I exclaimed grabbing his dripping wet shirt with my hands. "Now I'm going to have to wash them."
"Why don't you try getting them off of me first?" He smiled crookedly.
"You got it, toots," I whispered, bringing my hand down to pick up his shirt, heavy with water, and lifted it up over his head.
Angel, I have just heard that the post goes every day--and therefore I must close, so that you may receive the letter immediately—
On the third ring, she answered.
"Hello?" Her voice was dry and hoarse, concluding to me that she had very little sleep the night before.
"Hey." I paused momentarily, taking a breather. "I just got to my gate, I'll be boarding soon."
"Cool. What time do you get in?"
"I think around six." I smiled at the thought of seeing her tonight. "How should we do this?"
"How about you spend the night at my house? Tomorrow we can deal with the hotel." Kristen suggested.
"Sounds good," I muttered. "I'll call you when the plane lands."
"I can't wait to see you," She uttered quietly. "I know it's only been a week but I miss you like crazy, babe."
"Miss you, too." I told her as the stewardess announced boarding for first class. "I got to go, my flight is boarding. I love you."
"I love you, too. Have a good flight."
With that, I was finally going home. Not to London, but to the love of my life. The only home I'll ever need.
Be calm; for only by calmly considering our lives can we achieve our purpose to live together--Be calm--love me--Today--yesterday--what tearful longing for you--for you--you--my life--my all--all good wishes to you—
I cleaned the entire condo, twice, when I found out he would be here tonight. I washed all the floors, windows, sheets, and blankets. I stacked the fridge with Heineken and Coke. I filled the freezer of hot pockets and waffles. Even though it was just for the weekend, I wanted him to feel at home with me.
When I finally heard the car pull up around seven thirty, I panicked. I fluffed the pillows on the couch and brushed at the seats with my hands. I was nervous. And I had absolutely no idea why.
A knock brought me out of thought.
I rushed towards the door, clearing my throat before pushing it open.
He stood in front of me with a smile on his face as wide as the Nile. I rushed into the familiar feeling of his arms, breathing his scent into me. He tightened his embrace automatically and began rubbing my back soothingly.
"It's been a long summer, baby," He whispered, his lips buried in my hair. "I'm finally home."
"Thank God," I muttered, embarrassed, as I felt myself give him one last squeeze before I let him walk through the door. "Um, sorry it's such a mess," I laughed and ran my hands through my hair in a nervous twitch.
"Are you kidding me?" He turned and chuckled. "It's fucking spotless."
"Oh." I laughed with him. Get a grip, Kristen! Your boyfriend has been here a hundred times before!
I watched him walk about the apartment, heading towards the kitchen before opening the fridge. He eyed the contents and then faced me with one eyebrow elevated.
"What's all this?" He pondered, pointing to the soda and beers.
"I just wanted you to feel at home, is all," I told him truthfully.
"You're the only thing I need to make me feel at home, love," He walked towards my bedroom with his bag. "And maybe a bed."
"Oh, really?" I made my way in front of him.
"With you in it, of course," He smiled shyly. He reached down and brushed my hair from my neck. His lips attached to my body, ravishing my neck. I quietly turned around, biting my lip, as his arms and kisses never left my body. I slammed my bedroom door shut.
do continue to love me--never misjudge your lover's most faithful
I lay in his arms that night as he slept. I watched the car headlights from the street dance against his pale skin causing random patterns to appear. He stirred and his hand left my waist and fell to my hip.
"Kris?" His voice was thick with sleep.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" I asked reaching up to cup his cheek. His lips kissed my thumb.
"What are you still doing awake?" He turned his head to check the clock on the bedside table. "It's three thirty in the morning."
"How did I know you I was still awake?"
"You are tense," He noted, rubbing soothing motions along my hip.
"Sorry," I apologized, burying my face in his chest.
"What are you apologizing for? I'm just worrying about you." He kissed my hair.
The silence lasted for five minutes. It was not uncomfortable. I listened to his rheumatic breathing and the beating of his heart. Finally, he spoke.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately," Rob told me.
"Really?" I lifted my head to find him staring at me. "What about?"
"When shooting Eclipse is over and done with," He paused and scrunched his eyes in thought. "I was thinking we could do a little house hunting."
"Are you being serious?" I asked, completely shocked.
"Yeah," His face was bashful. "Is it too early? I just figured we've been through enough and we've known each other for a while and I want to start my life with –"
I silenced him with a kiss. It was as simple as that.