Ah, you may have read Leon´s, Mr. Merchant´s or Krauser's. I felt the need to do Wesker. (Oh la la, don't we all?).
RE5 Ending spoilers! SPOILERS! Those who don't know, and don't want to know, should leave RIGHT NOW!
Even though those people might never read this, thanks for the massive amount of reviews on Leon's, the merchant's and Jack Krauser's letters to Capcom. (Yes, over 30 reviews on 3 one-shots is massive for me.)
Disclaimer:I do not own Wesker, nor the games he appears in. (Capcom does)
Games: Resident Evil Code: Veronica. Small mention of RE4 and 5.
Summary:Wesker finished playing several of the Resident Evil games and is, obviously, not that pleased with the way he and some of the events were portrayed. Read his complaints in his angry letter to Capcom.
Inspired by:Reading way too many fics. Some were really good. If you've received a review from me in the past few weeks, I'm talking about you aswell.
Warnings: We'll see. Minor spoilers, I think. In a way. Not quite sure actually, I still didn´t play the game for I am a poor woman.
I am Albert Wesker and no, I am not dead. Or perhaps I am dead, or have been dead, but considering the fact I am able to write this, I'm not gone. Yes, I think that sounds better, Wesker's not gone. Not now, not ever. I'm like a locust, you can step on it twice or twenty times, they just won't stop moving.
Now we have made that clear, let us get to the point of this letter. I know Krauser sent you one after he played Resident Evil 4. Despite the fact he complained so much, he actually made me play it too, because he thought it was 'amusing'. And then he made me play some other games as well, so as of now Albert Wesker is a gamer.
One that's ticked off too, if I might add. The fact that I appear in games is odd enough as it is, but the way you portrayed me tends to bother me a lot. In this letter I will explain what has bothered me, and I urge you to remake some of the games.
Yes, Capcom, I urge you to do so, otherwise I will send Krauser after you. Why? Because I really am too lazy to come over myself. I'm aware of the fact Jack called me lazy, and he's actually right.
But for now, just hear me out.
Resident Evil Code: Veronica X
Much to Wesker's annoyance 1; Greetings.
In certain versions of Code Veronica I appear near the mansion before Claire enters. I greet her with 'Greetings'.
I don't know why you made me say that, but Capcom... That is so old. Greetings? It would be even more likely for me to say 'gutentag' because German actually sounds better than 'Greetings'.
Maybe it's part of the whole 'Oh-by-golly, it's-Wesker' drama, but I do not quite like it. So scratch it.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 2; "What are you gonna do to him?"
Claire asked me that in the videogame, right before I decided to throw her aside. Why did you make me throw her aside? Is it because for some reason you just couldn't think of any clever replies? Or is it because 'Wesker must appear evil'? Perhaps you were running low on coffee and needed the cutscene to end a little quicker?
I did not throw her aside like that right away. First I handed her a list called 'Ten brilliant ways to dispose of a Redfield'. It's a magnificent list, and I will include it as an extra. However, please do not read it until you have finished reading and replying to this letter.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 3; Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I say, in a rather nice way "How your brother would weep to see you die." and then I laugh like a c-actor on weed. I don't smoke weed, nor do I act, so I would never laugh like that. I hardly ever laugh in the first place, it might ruin my reputation. I'm not even sure if I am capable of smiling... The last time I tried someone laughed at me, so I had to dispose of them.
I will also dispose of you if you don't make me laugh like a normal person. Do I make myself clear?
Much to Wesker's annoyance 4; My backside.
I am not annoyed by my back, do not get me wrong. What I mean, Capcom, is that the second time I appear in CVX, you can only see my back. I know why, it has to do with the whole 'It's Wesker, but you can't know yet' thing. However, certain versions reveal my presence in the cutscene I was talking about before. The one where Claire wants to enter the mansion. So it's ridiculous you did not change that cutscene. Everyone knows it is me, so why not show my perfect face?
Think about it.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 5; "And she's already fully awake."
My first point here is, I am talking to myself... Why? Do I have a certain mental condition I do not know about yet? Is that something to be explored and explained later on in the series? Or do you just feel the annoying need to have your cutscenes full of meaningless conversation? I don't know, but you sure seem stupid when it comes to that.
The second point... I am pointing out the obvious. The woman is singing with a dead man on her lap, and the only thing I say is "She's already fully awake."
I do wonder... Where am I supposed to find a woman that is singing in her sleep? Please tell me, for I am Albert Wesker, and I really do want to see it all.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 6; That hook.
"Chris... Oh little fishy, come see my hook."
I don't even have words for that, Capcom.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 7; The Hunter in the crate.
I release a Hunter that is stuck in a crate, so it can annoy the hell out of that Redfield... However, in real life, I never released that one Hunter from its crate. It wasn't even in a crate, I had it on a leash, following me around like a dog...
Just because I am Wesker doesn't mean I can not have any pets. You should see my living room, there's a Cerberus sleeping on my couch and a Regenerator standing in the kitchen. Well-trained, of course.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 8; Wesker vs. Chris A.
Chris: "Wesker? You're still alive?"
Here we go pointing out the obvious again.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 9; Wesker vs. Chris B.
He knocked off my sunglasses. Let me guess... You made him do that because it revealed my eyes, and many of your evil fangirls will scream and drool at the sight of that?
Hnnn, odd... I suppose I will never truly understand women.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 10; Chris hiding behind that pillar.
How did I not see him? How did Alexia not see him? It doesn't seem very logical to me, since Chris is not a very tiny man or anything. And I am pretty sure he doesn't know any tricks that will render him invisible.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 11; "You're responsible for the creation of the T-Veronica virus."
Pointing out the obvious, apart from being evil, is apparently what I do best.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 12; I ran away?!
I meet Alexia, she transforms right in front of me, and before doing so, I see her naked... and you made me run away? Sure, dodging her bloody fires was the most logical thing to do, but I did NOT run away!
No normal man runs away after a woman shows him her naked body. I might not be a normal human being, but I do still appreciate the female figure.
What a dumb move.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 13: The ending A.
"Let her go Wesker, you don't want her." That's what Chris said... Then I replied with a 'Fine.' and actually let go of Claire.
Now don't get me wrong here, but first I go through all this trouble getting my hands on that woman, dragging her along etcetera, and then when Chris tells me to let go, I just let go?
You are not making any sense there, Capcom. No sense at all. Life really isn't all that simple.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 14; The ending B.
Chris: "As a surviving member of S.T.A.R.S. I have to finish this."
True, he said that. I just felt the need to point it out, because that one line just proves how big of a loser he really is.
Much to Wesker's annoyance 15; The ending C.
When I say "Sure, I'm not human anymore, but just look at the power I've gained." I walk or dance around like Jesus on crack. I'm sorry, but it looks ridiculous. I can only say one thing about that little scene: 'Sure I'm not human anymore, but that doesn't prevent me from acting sane.'
Much to Wesker's annoyance 16: The ending D.
I had a major burn on my face after several things caught on fire... Are you kidding me, Capcom? I wasn't hanging around in the fire long enough for it to create a burn like that. That was very unrealistic. And a waste of my perfect good looks. (Krauser made me type that down, sometimes I worry about that man...)
Much to Wesker's annoyance 17: The ending E.
"Until we meet again."
I dislike that sentence just as much as I dislike the word 'Greetings'. Just so you know.
I think that concludes this part of the letter... However, I am in quite a good mood right now, so I will actually include a small list of the things I did like. Yes, there were a few things I did like... Here they come.
1. I look great indeed. I may not be as vain as Krauser, but it's still nice to see yourself looking so good, especially in a videogame that is already rather old.
2. Alfrexia. There is nothing better than a scorned man wearing make-up. It amused me, so do not change Alfrexia one bit.
3. The parts where I beat the hell out of Chris are brilliant. Even though he knocks off my sunglasses, they are still to be considered good. The more you make me beat him up, the better the game gets.
4. My number of appearances isn't that high, however, when I do appear, I am magnificent. Thank you for that. (Except for the stating the obvious and evil laughter anyway.)
5. My moves are nice. I think you did a fine job capturing them in a videogame. I am pleased.
Then there's the list.
'10 Brilliant Ways to dispose of a Redfield.'
Please realise this list is very old already.
1. Lock him away in a room until he dies of starvation. (I tried, it did not work.)
2. Insult him until he's so depressed, he will commit suicide. (That did not work either.)
3. Smack him in the head with a heavy object. (I tried that in '97, Chris didn't even go down. I am suspecting him from not having a brain.)
4. Send a giant tyrant to kill him. (It worked on Brad, so I might try it on Chris as well.)
5. Dispose of him in a volcano. (Hnnnnn... No comments there. I think he stole my idea.)
6. Learn how to use magic and kill him in a Final Fantasy way. (I still don't know how to use magic, but I will find a way.)
7. Tie him to a kite and wait for lightning to strike. (Sometimes the oldest ideas are the best... Ask Ben Franklin.)
8. Send him fishing (I know he likes to fish) somewhere dangerous, watch him get eaten by a lake monster. (Now where was he during the the Los Illuminados incident? Del Lago would have been perfect.)
9. Make a sextape of Claire and Leon. Chris will kill Leon, Claire will kill Chris and then commit suicide. That's like hitting THREE birds with one stone. (Sounds like fun, does it not?)
10. Infect him with a virus that will make him obey me. I suppose watching him suffer would be even more entertaining than watching him die. I could make him kill Jill, Sheva, Claire, Barry, Leon, Ada, Rebecca and Billy, and they wouldn't even know what hit them.
My comments on Resident Evil 4.
1. Capcom, in certain versions of RE4 'Separate Ways' is not included, meaning I will only appear in the Mercenaries. My point here is... You should've put me in the main game as well. I am Wesker, Resident Evil is just not the same without me. It will never be the same without me. And you know it.
2. As amusing as it is to see myself in the Mercenaries, with the best weapons of all five characters, I still don't think it makes a lot of sense. Why? Because...
A. I am Wesker, I don't use weapons that often, because I do not need them.
B. I don't need weapons because I am superhuman. I could've easily taken on those ganados without any help at all. Which brings me to my biggest annoyance; I die just as easily as the others in the Mercenaries. That doesn't make any sense and I'm not even going to explain why, because you know it. Wesker's hard to kill. Perhaps even impossible to kill.
3. What was Ada wearing? It doesn't seem very logical to wear a dress and shoes like that when you're kicking ass. I bet many ganados saw her underwear, and that is just... Well, it's slutty. And I don't like sluts one bit.
My comments on Resident Evil 5.
The ending only proves one thing... You are all idiots.
Now it is time for me to get back to work... As I stated before, take my suggestions and complaints into careful consideration. I will be waiting for the RE-makes.
"Until we meet again,"
This one took me about three days to complete, because I kept scratching and adding things. I hope you liked it...
If you did, be kind and drop me a review.