Goddammit! I'm a Doctor, Not A…

"So let me get this straight," I growl as I point a finger at the idiot sittin' on biobed four. "You think you're pregnant."

"On the contrary, Doctor, I am quite positive I am pregnant."

God. Damn. Vulcan. Bastard. "I'm sorry, Spock, but even on Vulcan it's rare for males to get pregnant."

"That is true, Doctor. And taking into consideration that I am a half Human I did not consider the fact that I could be fertile at all when I engaged in sexual intercourse."

My eye twitched, I'm sure. "Well, don't freak out or nothin'!" I threw my hands up into the air and sighed. "Who's the father?"

"I am."

I never should have taking that Hippocratic Oath. I ground out, "The other father, Spock."

The green blooded bastard raised an eyebrow at me like I was stupid and I probably was. Who else coulda gotten our stoic Vulcan knocked up, and before he was bonded, too. I dropped my head into my hand and tried to work away the migraine I felt comin'.

"Goddammit. I'll kill 'im." Spock looked like he wanted to speak but I cut him off with a pointed look and another jab at the air around him. "I don't care if he is captain, he's dead!" I was about to go over to the communicator on my desk to yell at Idiot Number Two when the sickbay doors squeaked open and, well, speak of the devil and he will come.

"How's Spock? Is he okay? Where is he? What's wrong?"

So all that captainly concern for his first officer I'd thought Jim's pestering questions were? Yeah, guess I was wrong. "Goddammit, Jim, you can't just barge in here whenever ya feel like it! I'm busy giving him a consultation so leave! Or wait outside or do somethin' before I stick you with somethin'!"

Jim blanched, a hand flyin' like lightnin' to his neck and hurried outta the room. "Tell me when you're done with him, 'kay? I need my first officer!" he yelled from the door as they squeaked closed behind him.

I turned back to the Vulcan. Time to get blunt. Dancing around the daisies with a Vulcan was like talking to a paint wall or watching bricks dry. Completely stupid and gets you nowhere faster than Sulu. ….When he actually knows how to fly the ship, that is.

"How long you been sleeping with Jim, Spock?"

"I have never slept with the Captain, Doctor."

You know how I get tired of Jim and stick him with a hypo? Only reason I haven't tried that with this damned man is cause he's three times stronger than I am and can knock me out with three fingers.

"Great," I growl. "And you know what I meant," I jabbed another finger his way. "How long have you been having sex with Jim? Or was this just a one night stand?"

"We never stood, no."

"Goddammit! Spock! You know what I meant!" I need a drink. "How many times have you had sex with the captain and do you know, or have a guess, as to when conception occurred?!"

"…Would you like a complete sexual history?"

I grit my teeth and rolled my eyes. Throwing my hands into the air I yelled, "SURE! Go ahead!"

"Stardate 2258.332—"

Oh, goddammit! "Spock!"

He stopped talking for several blissful seconds. "I was under the impression you wished for a complete sexual history."

Maybe I should just hypo myself at this point. "Spock. Number of times complete sexual intercourse had occurred?"

"Fourty-nine. …Though Jim is under the misapprehension it is fifty-two, but I do not consider fisting—"

"WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! I don't need that much information!" I rubbed at my eyes again and, for the first time in a long time, I wished I was back in Georgia sitting under a tree or something with some sweet tea. I sighed and forced myself not to try to hypo Spock with something Vulcans couldn't handle. "Do you have an estimate of a conception date?" I said into my hand.

Spock nodded, "The evening of 2260.004."

I groaned. "Vulcan male pregnancies usually last ten months, right?"

"That is correct, but I am not a full Vulcan and human males usually do not get pregnant."

I nodded in agreement. "That's true. And you're about three and a half months now. And male Vulcans usually start showing around five months…"

"That is correct."

I rubbed my eyes again. "We'll have to schedule weekly appointments and augment your diet—"

"Dietary augmentation is instinctual in Vulcan pregnancies. If you have noticed, meat has been added to my diet. It was that fact that alerted me to the possibility of pregnancy. Also, I have doubled my botanical intake."

I nodded, rubbin' my chin with my hand, "You gonna carry this baby to term?"

Somethin' changed in his eyes and I realized I asked another stupid question. I nodded. "You gonna tell Jim you're carryin' his bun in your oven?"

His head twisted to the side and said, "I was unaware my body was harbinger to a bakery."

MIGRAINES!! My eyes hurt from my rubbin' them now. "Spock. I know you know what I meant. And it's not like he won't notice that you're gaining maternity weight and taking off time and having a baby. And it won't be a great leap after that that he's the father because Vulcans are notorious for monogamy!"

He stewed on that for a moment. "I believe informing the Captain of my condition would be imperative. I will have to be taken off field duty at four months because male Vulcan pregnancies tend to turn rather… unstable at that point."

"And taking into consideration your half-human, this could very well end in a miscarriage." I gauged his reaction and continued, "You must've figured this out by now, and I have to inform you of all the possibilities."

Spock nodded, "As begrudged I am to admit, I have great faith in your medical skills."

Ah, that was better! I smiled brightly and said, "Gee, thanks, Spock, that's really nice of you."

His face stayed impassive.

"…Would you like me to get Jim in here? He's probably still hangin' out in the hallway. Pacin' or somethin'."

I gave Spock a moment to think and he nodded. "We will have to run several tests after we inform the Captain."

I nodded and went to go rescue Jim from the evil confines of the Lonesome Hallway of Ignorance. "Jim."

He spun around and gave me a wide eyed stare. "Is he okay?" he asked as he headed over. "Spock's not been feeling too well recently."

I made a noise that sounded like 'pffffsh!' "Tell me about it."

Jim gave me an incredulous stare. "What's wrong with him?"

We were back in the room and gestured to the biobed on which Spock was perched. "You want me to tell him?"

"That will not be necessary, Doctor. I will inform Jim myself." He hopped off the bed and stood directly before our great Captain.

"What's wrong?"

"Jim," the Vulcan folded his hands behind his back and stated (with no area for misinterpretation), "I am pregnant. The child is yours and I shall be keeping it. I will need to be taken off field duty in two weeks and in six I will have to be placed on—"

Jim fell to the ground without the need of a hypo to the neck.

I rubbed my eyes again. Great. "Goddammit."

Spock looked up from Jim's crumpled body, his hands falling from their attention position. "That was not the reaction I expected," and he bent down to pick up Jim's dead weight.

"Oh no! NO! NO! NO! You're pregnant mister! No heavy liftin'! Doctor's orders!" He opened his mouth to reply as he straightened up. "Nope! I don't want to hear about Vulcan strength either! Nothin' over one hundred twenty pounds!"

Spock's nostrils flared slightly and I got Nurse Chapel's help with movin' the Captain onto the recently vacated biobed. Spock stood and waited patiently for Jim to regain consciousness. I crossed my arms around my chest and settled in for waiting for Jim to wake up. It's not like I had anythin' better to do.

I watched as Spock shifted and placed a hand absently mindedly on his stomach, perhaps a bit lower than a human woman would.

Jim awoke like he usually does, sittin' ramrod straight in the bed and gaspin'. "Pregnant!" he yelled but I heard him yell (in my head) 'Lightning storm!!'

"Wait!" he stared again and looked over at Spock, his eyes movin' from his face to his stomach. "You're really pregnant?"

Spock nodded and Jim returned the gesture. "So…" he started, "that means there's a baby in there?"

"That is usually how such things occur," Spock gave a small nod and I realized this would take a while.

I groaned and pushed my head back into my hands. "Goddammit, Jim. I'm a doctor and when I say Spock's gonna have a baby I mean it!"

"But it's my baby, too," Jim mumbled lamely.

You can't hypo Jim in the neck without reason; you can't hypo Jim in the neck without reason; you can't hypo Jim in the neck without reason; you can't hypo Jim in the neck without reason!! GODDAMMIT! MY FINGERS ITCH!! (An' I swear, my eyes are redder than the moons of Hydrillion VI!)

THE END!