Author's Notes- I originally wanted to write a common-law marriage fic for C.C. and Lelouch, but there's no way that living together for less than a year, by any crazy standard, is enough for such a thing. I'll have to try that idea with another series. So instead you get pure, unadulterated crack.
Also, I don't know what the state religion of Brittania is or if/how it differs from England's in our world, and I don't particularly care. This is crack.
"But why?" Lelouch asked helplessly.
C.C. sniffed and stomped his foot so hard that Lelouch began hopping on one leg in a manner that was decidedly not befitting an Emperor of Brittania.
(Then again, he'd already done his damndest to make his ancestors turn over in their graves as it was. Why break such a long streak?)
"Because we're deeply in love," she stated firmly.
Lelouch raised his eyebrow.
"Because you promised to stay by my side forever, and I want proof of that."
The eyebrow rose higher.
"Nobody, even you, should die a virgin, and I don't believe in premarital sex?"
His eyebrow was now nearly bordering his hairline.
"… okay, Pizza Hut has a widow's discount. Or they will. I put that in with your last batch of royal decrees, remember? The point is, I want in on that discount."
You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed her words.
"… I'm going to die for world peace and you want to use it to spend about five percent less on pizza." Lelouch gave her a look that was a curious mixture of offended, morbidly curious, and resigned.
"Everybody wins," C.C. agreed. She paused, and tilted her head. "Well, except you."
Lelouch cradled his head in his hands, sinking back into his chair.
C.C. patted him on the shoulder. "Well, look at it this way. At least we don't have to have a large wedding, considering all of my relatives are dead and yours are too, pretty much, and the rest are either your mind-slaves who won't be hurt if you don't invite them, or they're trying to kill you and they don't care either way."
His head hit the desk.
"You're seriously going through with this?" Suzaku blinked. "Couldn't you just say no?"
"Have you met C.C.?" Lelouch replied, sighing. "I'm going to have my hands full fighting the Black Knights and Schneizel- I don't need to worry that witch is going to try and kill me in my sleep for not marrying her or something."
Suzaku considered this for a moment, and they fell silent.
Finally, Lelouch spoke again, coughing slightly.
"… you're my best man, by the way."
Suzaku didn't really know what to say. A lifetime ago, he would have felt honored. Now, he just felt confused. "Are you sure about this?"
"I don't have any friends besides you anymore," Lelouch reminded him.
"You killed the woman I loved. I sold you out to your father, your mortal enemy, just so I could get a promotion, and used your sister as a means to get back at you. For over a year I've done everything in my power to fuck you over. And I'm the only friend you have left?" Suzaku said slowly, trying to confirm every fact.
"… that's really sad Lelouch."
"You're telling me."
"Well, I guess it won't be so bad. What kind of ring did you get her, anyway?" Suzaku asked, after they both finally got over the fact that they were only friends the other had, and how utterly depressing that actually was.
Lelouch went pale, and Suzaku understood at once.
"You didn't get one yet, did you?" he said slowly.
The Emperor shook his head, looking more like a frightened kitten than the ruler of a world superpower.
"… this is not starting out well."
Thankfully, Jeremiah, for whatever reason, had an eye for jewelry, and steered both clueless boys in the direction of a very nice ring from a well known, exclusive jeweler. The cut of the main diamond (which was the largest they had) was the finest possible, the golden band of the ring encrusted with smaller gems of equally superb quality.
All in all, Lelouch was fairly certain he could have bought a small country for the same price.
"Eh, it's okay," C.C. said casually, examining it on her finger in the same manner another person would judge whether or whatever's on T.V. is any good.
For the first time, Lelouch understood why so many comedians made sport of married life.
And he was still only engaged.
For the first time, Lelouch was grateful he was going to die in a few months.
At least it meant this would be a short marriage.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join his majesty Lelouch vi Brittania and C.C. in holy matrimony."
"Lelouch?" Suzaku whispered next to him, as the man continued speaking.
Without turning back, he answered, "Yes?"
"… why is Lloyd-san dressed like a priest and conducting your wedding?"
Lelouch shrugged. "I wanted this quiet, and he was on hand. Jeremiah is giving away the bride, so he can't do it."
"Lloyd-san isn't a priest," Suzaku said blankly.
"As the head of the Brittanian Empire, I'm also the head of the Brittanian Church. As such, I've temporarily invested Lloyd with all the powers and rights of a member of the clergy- which include performing the marriage ritual."
"Can you do that?"
"C.C. didn't seem to care," Lelouch said offhandedly.
And speaking of which…
"Whoa." Suzaku blinked, mouth falling open ever so slightly in surprise.
Lelouch couldn't have agreed more.
"Like what you see?" C.C. asked, smirking beneath the veil of her wedding dress.
Suddenly, the marriage thing didn't sound half bad.
"You're definitely going to have to get better at this," C.C. said, in the decidedly unromantic afterglow.
Lelouch glared at her, hair still matted with sweat, pulling his tired, naked body up to lie down next to his new wife, pulling the sheets over them.
"You're expecting a lot," he muttered. "If you wanted an athlete, you should have married Suzaku."
"True… say, what would do you think about a threesome?"
"Not a chance in hell woman." And with that, he suddenly wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her against his chest "Now please shut up and let me go to sleep."
"Fine," C.C. said resignedly, leaning back into the embrace and shutting her eyes.
After a few moments of hearing her heart beat in time with his own, feeling how perfectly she seemed to fit against him, and suddenly realizing he was well and truly married now, Lelouch blurted out the first thing that came into his head.
"Are we having kids?"
Genius doesn't always mean you say the right things at the right time.
"We'll see. Though I guess I'll have to be a single mom if we are…" C.C. warned, without opening her eyes.
"… look, what I meant was… you… I mean… this… this isn't bad. You and me. Us. Here. Married. That is to say..." Lelouch trailed off, wishing he could stop the inane babble already.
C.C. cracked a soft, genuine smile, glancing up at him without leaving his arms.
"I love you too," she said simply, and Lelouch figured that maybe all those comedians were wrong about marriage.