I got the idea for this one in my head and couldn't get it out. XD
"The brutality of the rifle can never match the artistry of the bow!" said Ina Honda furiously, "how dare you even compare the two!"
"C'mon, Ina," said Magoichi Saika, "don't knock what you haven't tried. Those two old geezers wouldn't know current projectile weaponry if it bit them on the back end."
Ignoring Xiahou Yuan's indignant squawks of 'old geezer!? Tell that to the old man!', Ina scowled. "There is no contest! The arrow will always reign over the cold metal of a rifle!" She held her hand up, to keep Huang Zhong from firing a trio of arrows into Magoichi's skill—that honor would be hers, thank you very much!
"Have you ever shot one?" Magoichi drawled.
Ina opened her mouth to retort—"in fact, I have not," she admitted, "but that means nothing! When one's soul is as intertwined with a love of archery as my own—"
"INA," said Xiahou Yuan, sighing, "just—tell him you're not interested and move on, sweetheart!"
Huang Zhong nodded, shaking his head. He was Magoichi's age once, he recognized a bad pickup line waiting to happen when he saw one.
Ina frowned, flustered—"I believe we have a battle to get back to," she huffed.
"Any time you're ready, gorgeous," said Magoichi, grinning, "c'mon, let's see what this beauty can do~"
Ina gritted her teeth—Magoichi was worse than the obnoxious nunchaku-wielding pick up line-slinging man from Wu, but a bit less irritating than the advances of Hideyoshi Toyotomi—"we are here to fight," she said, notching an arrow, "and that is what we will do!"
"Yep," said Magoichi easily—for such a pretty girl she certainly had an, uh, interesting way of speaking—and he stopped, suddenly.
Ina frowned. "What?"
"I had an idea," said Magoichi, "I'm sure you've heard the expression 'don't knock it 'til you try it'?"
"Yes," said Ina, "what about it?"
"Why don't you try a rifle out, for once?" he said, "then you can have an educated reason for your undeserved hatred."
Ina scowled—a lesson in marksmanship from one of the legendary riflemen of all time, Magoichi Saika—was almost too irresistible an offer to pass up, but did he have to be such a sleaze?
Xiahou Yuan and Huang Zhong exchanged glances, rolling their eyes. Well, they weren't Ina's father, it was really none of their business… if Mr. Friendly tried anything, he'd get a faceful (and an ass full) of arrows, but harmless kids were harmless kids. 'sides, a little action might be good for her, help her loosen up a bit~
"I suppose," she said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, "if this is a trap—"
"Would I really try a trap with those two guys over there ready to snipe my head off my shoulders?" Magoichi asked calmly, "c'mere, then~"
Ina sighed, setting her bladed bow down (wincing, a bit, the ground was so dirty! Her weapon deserved better!) and stepping closer to Magoichi. "Hand it over," she said.
"Not without going over some basic handling techniques," said Magoichi cheerfully, reaching for her waist and pulling her flush against his chest, between his arms. "Hold the rifle like this," he said, his voice low—Ina felt herself shiver as his breath ghosted over her cheek—"adjust the butt of the rifle in the crook of your shoulder so it takes the recoil, like—this—" His hand fluttered over hers as he adjusted the rifle, his rough palm scraping lightly against her knuckles—"and keep your finger off the trigger until you're ready t' fire, ya hear?"
Ina nodded, trying to concentrate over her heartbeat and the blood roaring in her ears—this was a weapon she was holding, she had to concentrate— stupid Magoichi and his stupid pectorals which she could see and stupid manly smell that smelled good and stupid—arrgh!
"And fire when you're ready," said Magoichi, his voice low and in her ear; Ina barely managed to keep her concentration long enough to pull the trigger, the recoil causing her to gasp and stumble backwards (into Magoichi's arms).
Magoichi smirked. Couldn't have gone better if he'd scripted it.
(On the other side of the wall Ina shot at, Yukimura Sanada was in the middle of a long rant about justice and honor and nobility and blah blah blah, Xiao Qiao was barely able to stay awake—this was worse than Zhou Yu's strategizing! Just as she was considering going over and clocking him with her fan to shut him up, his arm suddenly exploded with blood—he squawked and began running around screaming about a 'cowardly sneak attack' and challenging the attacker to 'come out and fight me with honor!' or something. Xiao Qiao looked at her hands in horror. She could make people's arms explode just thinking about them? YAY!)
"So, you ready to turn to our side?" Magoichi asked, grinning at Ina, resting his rifle on his shoulder.
Ina felt herself blush—when did Magoichi Saika's grin get such a devilish handsomeness to it!?—and promptly became furious. She was Ina Honda, daughter of Tadakatsu Honda—she did not blush like a little schoolgirl at the sight of a man!
"No demonstration of the rifle will ever be enough to convince me to put down my bow," Ina said haughtily, "as long as my arrow shoots in a straight line, I will be an archer until my dying breath!"
"Okay, okay," said Magoichi, "don't freak out about it." He smiled at her.
"What?" Ina asked suspiciously.
"Nothing," answered Magoichi innocently. "I was just… thinking."
"About what, dare I ask," Ina asked, frowning.
"How you're going to repay me for my lesson," said Magoichi, "you see, I don't often take pupils, and—well, you got to fire my rifle. That's not a common occurrence. Most people don't get to touch it."
Ina flushed—"would a lesson with a bow make us equal, then?" she asked.
"No," said Magoichi, "I was thinking something a bit more stimulating, if you know what I mean…"
Ina looked confused. Xiahou Yuan and Huang Zhong exchanged knowing glances. Kids.
"Then—how should I repay you?" she demanded, "I'm afraid I have a rather unimpressive sum of money at the moment—"
"Not money, Ina," Magoichi said impatiently, stepping closer towards her.
"Uhh—" Ina blinked a few times, her cheeks flushing—"wh—what are you doing? Stay back!"
"I don't think so," said Magoichi, cupping her face in his hand, "man, you don't look like your dad at all…"
Ina scowled—"how dare you! Remove your hand from my person at once!" she demanded, not bothering to realize she could very easily punch him or step backwards to get away from him.
"C'mon, Ina," Magoichi said, "don't be like that~" He leaned in closer and kissed her. Ina waited about a second before putting her arms around his neck and tugging him closer.
"Saw it coming," said Xiahou Yuan, sniping down a couple enemies.
"When you get to be my age, you can predict things before they happen," said Huang Zhong sagely, "nothing new happens~"
"You know, for an old coot who grouses when people call 'im old, you sure do talk about how old you are a lot," commented Xiahou Yuan.
Huang Zhong glared. "I may be old, but at least I can see my feet!"
"Hey, shaddap, I can too see my feet!" growled Xiahou Yuan.
"Sure, and the pirate from Wu is a well-read intelligent young man with a bright future!" said Huang Zhong, scoffing.
(Somewhere in Wu, Gan Ning sneezed.)
"No wonder you're so good with sarcasm, your father probably invented it," Xiahou Yuan grumbled, "there wasn't anything else to do for fun two hundred years ago!"
"We exercised a lot back then too," said Huang Zhong, "explains why you're fat and I'm not~"
"I'M NOT FAT," Xiahou Yuan raged, and right before the two men abandoned their alliance (Ina already had, after all, her face-suckage with Magoichi Saika was showing no signs of ending) the pre-pubescent enemy commander showed up, twin pistols at the ready.
"Imbeciles!" squawked Masamune Date, jumping up and down in his rage, "Magoichi, you idiot, what the hell are you doing!? Cease kissing that—female—instantly and make yourself useful for once! That last arrow almost took my eye out, and I'm in no hurry to adopt the nickname 'The No-Eyed Dragon'!"
Magoichi mentally rolled his eyes, parting Ina's lips with his tongue—kissing a pretty lady took first priority over any of Masamune's nagging, any day. Besides, Masamune throwing a temper tantrum was always fun.
"Are you listening to me, Magoichi!? You de-evolved moron! You wouldn't know sophistication if it bit you on the back end! What's it like to be led around by the impulses of your loins, you irritating primate!?" Masamune sulked, scowling and folding his arms. Stupid incompetent underlings!
"Lemme guess, squirt," said a bored-looking Dian Wei, playing bodyguard to Masamune and rolling his eyes at snickering Xiahou Yuan, "yer a virgin?"
"My sexual habits are none of your business!" shouted Masamune, rearing on Dian Wei. "I'll have you know instead of sleeping with the filthy whores that seem to populate this planet, I prefer to find a woman worthy of my dragon!"
"You call it yer dragon?" Dian Wei asked, while Xiahou Yuan and Huang Zhong howled with laugher (were Magoichi (and his hands) not so distracted, he'd be laughing too, and even Ina might give a rare smile at Masamune's expense). "Yeah, pretty much confirms yer a virgin… I remember Lord Cao Pi used t' call his 'the emperor'…"
This was a fun one to write. XD Magoina! Ina's got a weird mastery of the English language…
How'd I do with the other characters? I think I kept 'em in character.