Good Things Come in Small Packages

Chapter 1: Small Packages

A/N: Hi there! This little plot bunny popped into my head the other day and in order to get it out of my head, I had to write this… We'll see how long this little dream lasts for me. Until then, please read and review! Happy reading!

Disclaimer: I own none of this! Well….I do own the kid…but that's it. I also don't own 3 Men and a Baby. Whoever came up with that idea is a genius…. This is only loosely based on 3M&aB, but still… Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer.

Note: Please don't be intimidated by the length! I'm extremely dialogue obsessed! I promise most of it is dialogue! NOW ON WITH THE STORY!

"Gosh darn it!" Edward muttered as he sat up in bed. Someone had rung the doorbell, interrupting his sleep.

"Where'd you leave your key this time Emmett?" He stumbled out of bed and made his way to the door.

"Who is it?" Emmett appeared behind him, in a similarly disheveled state.

"Wait, where did you come from?" Edward asked the bulky figure in the darkness.

"I got in about two hours ago." Emmett rubbed his eyes.

"Well then who the hell is ringing the doorbell at 5 am?"

"Dunno." Emmett yawned widely.

Edward sighed and made his way to the door, and unsuccessfully, tried to open the locks.

"I'll do it." Emmett shoved him out of the way, sending Edward sprawling onto the couch.

"I can't see anything." Edward complained and began to turn back to his room.

A dim light, like weak sunlight, streamed in from the hallway, where Emmett had opened the door, lighting the way for Edward.

"Uhm, Eddie, you gotta see this man!" Emmett called him back.

"Don't call me Eddie." Edward turned around to glare at him. He had to shield his eyes from the light with his hand.

"You gotta see this." Emmett repeated.

"What is it, Emmett?" He questioned, annoyed.

He wasn't even slightly prepared for the sight that awaited him.

A tiny bundle slept quietly on the rug in front of their door.

"That's a baby." Emmett said quietly.

"I know that's a baby, Emmett." Edward snapped. "But what's it doing here?"

"It's sleeping."

"No really, Emmett?"

"Yep." Emmett nodded.

"Look, there's a note." Edward pulled the envelope from the baby's blankets, careful not to jostle the covers and wake the slumbering child.

"Well what does it say?" Emmett asked, staring down at the baby.

"For Jasper." Edward read the front of the envelope.

"Wow, never thought he'd get himself into this." Emmett muttered.

Edward opened up the envelope and began to read quietly to himself. "Dear Jasper, this is your daughter. I promised myself that I would never do this to you. I'm so sorry, but I had to do it. Please take good care of her, her name is Elaina. Good luck. –A."

"What are we gonna do with it?" Emmett's eyes never left the small bundle.

"Give it back to its mother, that's what." Edward stated firmly.

"But who is she? And where is she?"

"I don't know. Do you have her number?"

"I don't even know what the hel-heck, her name is, why would I have her number?" Emmett shook his head.

"So…you don't know who she is?"

"No! If I'd kept track of every single chick, Jasper has been with, I'd have to be his full time secretary!" Emmett cried.

"Alright, alright, calm down. So what are we gonna do?" Edward sat down on the couch and turned on the small lamp in the corner in between the 2 sofas.

"I dunno."

"Well that's helpful." Sarcasm dripped from Edward's smooth voice.

"Hey, look, it's waking up!" Emmett pointed to the baby. "Uh-oh, now it's crying."

"Oh, no, this cannot be happening. Not now." Edward pinched the bridge of his nose.

Emmett picked up the baby gently, supporting her neck, just like his girlfriend, Rosalie, had taught him to.

"Uh, shh! You're gonna make your Uncle Eddie have a fit." Emmett told the baby, seriously.

"Well, what does she want?" Edward asked, his nose scrunched in distaste.

"I dunno, I don't speak baby." Emmett shrugged.

Edward wanted to slap Emmett….really hard.

"Maybe it's hungry." Emmett suggested quietly.

"And what are we supposed to do about that?"

"Feed it, I guess."

"Well, obviously, but what?"

"Uhm…soft stuff?"

Edward growled at Emmett.

"This has got to be a joke! This is unreal! Can you believe that he called me yesterday, telling me to expect a 'little package'? He said 'just put it aside' 'til he gets back on Thursday! Put it aside—this is unbelievable!" Edward exploded.

"Really? Jasper said that?" Emmett said nervously bouncing the baby around to keep her from crying.

"He also said not to tell anyone."

"So….he told you about this?" Emmett held up the baby.

"He told me to expect a package for him, but not this!" Edward gestured to the child.

"Boy, has he got nerve!" Emmett growled, scaring the little girl.

Edward made a face. "Just listen to all the noise she's making! What're we gonna do?"

"I know! Let's call mom!" Emmett grinned.

"Great idea!" Edward mirrored his expression.

Emmett puffed up like a rooster. Edward got up and took Elaina from him.

"Only problem is, we're not supposed to tell anybody!"

"Well…it's an emergency! Mom said to call her whenever there's an emergency!"

"No, let's keep mom out of this." Edward shook his head.

"Well do you have any other ideas, oh great wise one?"

"Er, no, not exactly. But Jasper will be home in 4 days, we can handle this until then. And when he gets home, she'll be his problem." Edward took his jacket off of the hook by the door and handed the baby to Emmett.

"Wait, where are you going?" Emmett called after Edward as he went to his room to get his keys and wallet.

He returned with jeans on and his keys in his hand.

"To the store to buy baby food." Edward stepped out the door.

"But, what am I supposed to do with her?" Emmett panicked.

"Uhm, entertain her? I don't know." And with that he turned and left.

"B-but, I've never entertained a baby before! What if I squash her?!" Edward was long gone by the time Emmett finished his sentence.

---------------------------------------Meanwhile, Edward is at the Grocery Store…---------------------------------------

"Excuse me, sir, but could you tell me in what aisle the baby food is located in?" Edward asked a tired looking clerk.

"Aisle 9." The clerk grunted out.

"Thank you." Edward grabbed a basket and headed straight for aisle 9. He was a man on a mission.

Upon reaching the aisle, he realized that he had absolutely no clue what kind of baby food to get.

He picked up a single jar of mashed peas and examined it. Then, he noticed a can of formula and examined it as well.

----------------------------------------------------Back at the apartment--------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, I can do this." Emmett desperately tried to convince himself. He was having very little luck doing so.

He readjusted Elaina in his arms; it was then that he felt that she was wet.

"Ew." He whispered quietly, not wanting to scare her. She stared up at him intently.

He shifted her, to hold her at arm's length.

Elaina squirmed and let out a baby sound.

"Eh…it's okay. It's okay." Emmett said out loud. Though, it was more to convince himself than it was to convince the baby. He speed walked to the nearest bathroom and grabbed a towel from the rack. Then he took it to the sofa, where he laid it down and put Elaina on it.

"There," He sighed. "That's better."

She screamed, scaring Emmett.

"Ah, alright, alright, I'll hold you, just…shh!" Emmett picked her up again with the towel. He wrinkled his nose at the scent the child was emitting.

"Oof, stanky." He shook his head.

---------------------------------------------------------At the Grocery Store------------------------------------------------------

After taking a close look at over 10 different brands of baby food and formulas, Edward was entirely baffled and very close to tears.

Then he noticed a sales clerk at the end of the aisle.

"Uhm, excuse me…..miss? Could you tell me what brand is the best kind of baby food or uh…formula?" He approached the clerk.

The clerk turned to look at him. It was a woman….late forties, maybe early fifties…very masculine looking.

"Whatever your pediatrician recommends." She grumbled.

"Right…the pediatrician." Edward nodded. "Which one sells the most?"

"This one." She led him to a can of formula.

"So this one is the best?"

"It's the cheapest." She replied.

"Then….it's the worst kind?" He tried.

"They're all good, sir." She said in a monotone.

"Okay, so I can take this one?" Edward held up a can of formula in his right hand.

"It's got iron in it."

"Oh. That's good…right?"

"It's very good." She seemed bored.

"So why don't they all have iron in them?"

"Some babies are allergic to it."

He quickly put down the can and grabbed another one.

"What about this one?"

"That kind doesn't have any milk in it."

"There's milk with no milk in it?" He asked dismayed.

"Some babies are allergic to milk." The clerk shrugged.

"So…what is okay for all babies?"

"Soy formula." She stared off into the distance behind him.

He turned and took a soy formula off of the shelf and put it into the basket.

"That's the advance kind." She said quietly.

"What does that mean?" Edward asked annoyed now.

"Well…how old is your baby?" The clerk asked.

"Eh…about this big." Edward held his hands about 2 feet apart.

----------------------------------------------------Back at the apartment--------------------------------------------------------

Elaina was screaming her head off…causing Emmett to hide behind the couch in fear.

"Okay, okay, I'll hold you again, but you have to promise to stop crying." Emmett wrapped the towel around the baby 3 times and picked her up.

"Uh…rock a bye baby, on the tree top…" Emmett tried to sing and rock her at the same time.

"C'mon please! Please stop crying!" He begged. "When the wind blows the cradle will rock…. Where the hell is Edward! What's he doing, milking the cows or something? When the bow breaks the cradle will fall…"

Elaina continued to scream louder.

---------------------------------------------------------At the Grocery Store------------------------------------------------------

Edward was suddenly surrounded by 2 other women. One had a practical air about her, she was sort of stumpy, the other, was long and lean, with her baby in a carrier on her cart.

"Does she have any teeth yet or not? That would help us figure out how old she is" the stumpier one said.

"Not necessarily, my grandson's 5 months old and he already has 2 teeth, but my daughter didn't have any teeth until she was over 7 months old, so y'know, how many teeth they have doesn't mean a thing." The store clerk disagreed.

"Didn't your friends tell you what kind of formula they normally give the baby?" Asked the taller woman.

"Er…no. They had to leave unexpectedly….they had to catch a plane." Edward made up the lie on the spot.

"Is she teething?" questioned the first woman.

"Teething?" Edward asked nervously. He had no idea what that meant.

"Does she drool? Does she cry all night? Does she put her hands in her mouth?"

"Uhm…I know she can't talk…." He trailed off.

"But didn't your friends tell you how old she was?" The woman with the baby narrowed her eyes at him.

"I told you. They had to leave unexpectedly!" Edward was getting annoyed with her.

"You could weigh her. That might help." Suggested the first woman.

"See, my five month old grandson weighs more than my neighbor's grandson, and he's nine months old. So, y'know…how much they weigh doesn't mean a thing." The clerk shook her head.

"So…what should I buy?" Edward asked trying to get away.

"Didn't they tell you the pediatrician's name?" The tall woman picked up her baby from the carrier.

"No…they didn't." Edward choked out nervously.

"You sure have some weird friends."

"You have no idea." He sighed.

"How much hair does the baby have?" snapped the shorter lady.

"My grandson, y'know, he has so much hair…but there's kids at a year and a half that are totally bald. So y'know…how much hair they have…doesn't mean a thing." The clerk inputted.

"Gee, your grandson, he's really something. Is he good at physics, too?" The short lady glared at the clerk.

Edward took the opportunity to slip out of the group. He grabbed all kinds of formulas and baby foods and shoved them into his basket.

"Thanks for all the advice, ladies. But I think I'll take one of everything, just to be on the safe side." Edward stepped around them and began to walk towards the checkout line.

"Don't forget—if the baby is less than 3 months old you should sterilize the bottles!" the clerk called after him.

"What bottles?" Edward turned around surprised.

"You know what? This must be a kidnapping." The tall woman scrutinized Edward with her eyes.

----------------------------------------------------Back at the apartment--------------------------------------------------------

Emmett had been trying a different approach for about 5 minutes.

"I'm bringing home a baby bumble bee. Won't my momma be so proud of me?" Emmett sang and rocked Elaina harder. This only made her cry harder. "I'm squishing up my baby bumble bee; won't my momma be so proud of me? If he isn't here in three seconds I'm throwing her down the garbage shoot."

"Oh gawd." He sat down for a second to rest, but Elaina only screamed. He popped back up and continued to walk around the apartment, rocking her.

The doorbell rang and he nearly ran to the door.

"Where the hell have you been?" Emmett questioned as he opened the door.

Standing in the doorway was squat, little Mrs. Santorini, the apartment manager.

"Oh, hi Mrs. Santorini!" Emmett forced a grin on his face.

"This package came for you… Oh, what a cute baby!" She exclaimed.

Emmett said nothing; he just stared at the package in her hand.

"Is it yours?" she asked him.

"What? Uh, no, she's not mine."

"Oh, so it's Edward's?"

"No, NO, it's Jasper's….I mean…it's not Jasper's…someone uh…asked us to babysit." Emmett nodded quickly.

"And what's her name?" Mrs. Santorini smiled at the baby.


"Oh, what a pwetty wittle name for a pwetty wittle baby." She cooed. Elaina stopped crying for a second to stare at the lady with tear filled eyes.

"Yeah, well…she has to go to bed now." Emmett said. Elaina ensued her crying again.

"And where's Elaina's mommy?"

"She's…uh….she's not here. She'll be home soon." Emmett tried to close the door, but the stout woman countered it.

"This came for you." She held out a package. "Can I hold her for a second?"

"Well…uh…she doesn't exactly like to be held by…" Emmett was cut off as she took the baby from his arms and replaced her with the package. Immediately, she stopped crying.

He stared down at the medium sized brown box in his hands.

"She loves to be held by strangers!" exclaimed the manager. "Oh, I think she's wet…no…it's a number 2. Want me to help you change her?"

"Uh…no. Don't worry, I'm used to it." Emmett grimaced.

She raised one eyebrow at him.

"Well…goodbye Mrs. Santorini!" Emmett mustered up a smile and took the baby from her.

"Bye Elaina! I'll come visit you!" She bid them a farewell.

As soon as Emmett closed the door, Elaina continued her screaming.

"Man, she's creepy. And the idiot still isn't back yet." He tossed the package on the couch.

"So you like to be held by strangers, do you?" Emmett stared down at the little girl.

He heard the door close and Edward walked in with bags up to his elbows.

"Where the hell have you been? You've been gone for hours! And this damn kid's been screaming her head off the entire time. I've got a lot better things to do with my time than watch this kid! You're a pain in the butt, you know that!" Emmett growled at Edward.

"Hey, how dare you talk to me that way?" Edward snapped at him.

"Well, what the hell took you so long? What'd you do, stop for breakfast or something? I didn't even have time for a cup of coffee!"

"Oh, stop it! I didn't have time for coffee either! It took forever at the grocery store." Edward put the bags down in the kitchen. Emmett followed him.

"Well---here, take her. I've had enough." Emmett shoved her into Edward's arms.

"What do you mean take her? I can't hold her and make a bottle at the same time! And why should I hold her?"

"Because she's your problem." Emmett grumbled.

"You found her." Edward tossed back.

"But she's your niece."

"She's as much as my niece as she is yours!"

Elaina then began to scream again.

"Aw man, there she goes again." Emmett groaned. "We have to feed her something."

"Yeah, well I have to see if she has any teeth." Edward said washing his hands.

"Why?" Emmett asked curiously.

"To figure out how old she is."


Edward ran his finger gently over the baby's gums, but he couldn't feel anything.

"I can't feel anything. I'll give her the stuff for three to six month olds. She can't be a new born if she can properly support her neck."

"Wow, I didn't even go to med school and I knew that." Emmett stared at him, his voice thick with sarcasm.

"We have to make sure she's not allergic to it though. Or allergic to iron or milk or soy. You can't imagine how many things babies can be allergic to." Edward said ignoring him and opening a can of formula.

"She's really wet…did you bring any diapers?"


"FOR THE LOVE OF ROSE!" Emmett growled. "I'll go this time! And I'll get here sooner than you did!" Emmett stomped away, leaving Edward standing there with a baby in his arms and a bottle in his hand.

---------------------------------------------------------At the Grocery Store------------------------------------------------------

Emmett stormed into the store, his mood matching his pace. He quickly approached a mountain of diapers, staring at them for a second.

It was then that he noticed a store clerk, piling boxes of diapers onto the already teetering heap. It just happened to be the same clerk that had…helped Edward.

"Excuse me ma'am, could you tell me which diapers are the most absorbent?" He asked her.

"I would suggest the ones that are ultra-absorbent." She replied in her usual bored manner.

"Yeah…but which is better 12-24 pounds or 20-35 pounds?"

"Depends on how much your baby weighs…." She trailed off suspiciously.

"Oh…right…how much she weighs…"

"Say, you wouldn't happen to have a friend…or a brother who came in here a bit earlier, would you?" She eyed him.

"Pfft, he's no brother of mine." Emmett grumbled and grabbed the box of diapers closest to him and stalked off.

----------------------------------------------------Back at the apartment--------------------------------------------------------

Elaina had gladly accepted the bottle that Edward had shoved in her mouth to quiet her.

She had been gladly devouring her bottle, when Edward felt his shirt all wet.

"OH SHOOT! The kid just peed on me!" He hissed.

There was a loud banging on the door and Edward figured that meant Emmett was home.

"I just grabbed the first box I saw." He grumbled stepping into the living room.

"So long as it covers her. She just peed on me."

"That's nothing compared to the hell I endured."

"Right, well we should get some towels…."

"Why?" Emmett asked.

"Well…we have to change her don't we?" Edward stared at him.

"Yeah…but I'm not doing it!"

"Oh, you're helping me! There's no way I'm doing this all by myself."

"No, oh no, you're on your own, buddy!" Emmett backed away slowly.

"Don't even think about trying to weasel your way out of it!"

"FINE! But I'm not touching anything."

"Good luck with that." Edward sighed and went to get some towels.

A/N: Wow….that went well…. Not really –shakes head-Well, please review and let me know if you think this should be continued! If I continue this, I'm promising some serious cannon pairing fluff! That type of stuff is my favorite!

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