Hold Me, Wrap Me Up
A/N: I was in the mood to write some dark LP. I haven't written them in so long. So this was nice, kind of. But also a little bit of a downer. Flashbacks are italics in the little bracket things. I know the dialogue isn't exactly how it was on the show, it was from recollection. Title is a lyric from the song Breathe Me by Sia.
Disclaimer: I'd be a lie if I said I owned anything. Because I don't. You know the deal. It was all Mark's idea.
Summary: It was quiet and she was drowning. The guilt was eating her alive. They had both known the risks, yet the both choose to do it together. He was no where to be found and she needed him, badly. Dark LP. AU 6x24 and beyond.
She had forgotten how much she missed being in her own bed. It was so comforting to be away from that place. The place where it seems nothing good ever happens. If someone asked Peyton what the first word she thought when they said hospital, she would say death. And that's the only word her mind could seem to comprehend about a place like that. Nothing more, nothing less.
Every psychologist that had ever evaluated her between her mother's death until now would say the same thing. Deeply anguished. Suicidal. Severely depressed. Angry. Grief-stricken. Lonely. Guilty.
It seemed to Peyton that these were just words. She had long since separated from the person who occupied them or had anything to do with those 'terms'. She was nothing.
She breathed in the smell on her sheets and smelt the ultimate comfort, Lucas. But the space beside her was empty and she wondered if she only had herself to blame.
|"There are risks," The doctor explained.
"I'm having this baby," Peyton said crossing her arms over her chest.
The risks didn't matter. |
"Hey there buddy," Haley's voice echoed in the darkness.
Peyton's eyes fluttered open and Haley hovered over her.
"Morning star shine."
"How long have I been out?" Peyton said drowsy. She began to sit up.
"Not long," Haley hummed and sat down on the bed beside her.
"How long?!" Peyton demanded.
"A couple hours."
"How long is a couple?"
"Six. Okay closer to seven. "
"God!" Peyton groaned. She ran her hands through her hair and exhaled loudly.
Haley tucked a piece of hair behind Peyton's ear and then reached over towards the nightstand.
"The doctor said to give you some of this for your anxiety," And she held up a pill bottle.
"Will that put me into a coma?"
"No, Peyton. You'll be up for a few hours and then you'll probably get a little drowsy."
Haley passed Peyton a glass of water and put a pill into her palm.
Peyton popped the pill into her mouth and gulped down the glass of water.
"Why don't we get you get you into the shower?"
"Okay," And the blonde followed her friend into the bathroom.
|"You saw the heartbeat! The tiny fingers and toes!"
"STOP IT!" He shouted.
"I'm not going to stop it! Peyton screamed, as she crosses her arms of her abdomen. |
She couldn't remember what had happened. She racked her brain for the final moments of consciousness, but with all the drugs being pumped in and out of her nothing was making sense. She really wanted to piece everything together. She had never wanted anything so badly in her life.
The ceiling fan spun around and Peyton watched it go. She had nothing else to do. And it spun and spun. She lay in bed and watched. She couldn't remember the last time she'd gotten out of bed. The sheets didn't smell like Lucas anymore. And she could only wonder where he had gone.
|"What's this!?" Lucas said holding the box as Peyton entered the room.
"In case," She whispered lowly, he could barely hear her.
"Don't do this!" he yelled.
"Do what? I want our baby to know me."
Lucas looked at her and the memory box one more time before leaving the room.|
Lucas watched the ceiling fan spin in the guest bedroom of Nathan and Haley's house. The events of the previous week played back in his mind like a bad dream. The tape seemed to reel backwards and forwards, in black and white or color, with sound or muted. It seemed that anytime this happened, any amount of life he had left inside of him was wiped away.
He couldn't go home and face Peyton. Everything had changed and nothing was ever going to be the same again. Lucas couldn't face her. He couldn't even stand the thought.
So instead he hid. Hid inside of this bland bedroom, his office at the high school, a bar where no knew his name in the next town over, anywhere but where Peyton was. He couldn't hide from her, he never could.
"Uncle Lucas?" He looked up at the sound of a knock and the small voice of his nephew.
"Hey, Jim-Jam." He sat up for a moment and caught the boy's eye.
"Mama wanted me to tell you it was time for dinner."
"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." And he lay back down, prepared to watch the ceiling fan spin all through dinner. He wasn't hungry. He couldn't even fathom the idea of putting a bite of food in his mouth, a drink maybe.
"Are you okay Uncle Lucas? Because everyone says you're sad."
"Do I seem sad?" Lucas sat up and motioned Jamie over to his side.
"Yah." The little boy said nodding his head up and down.
"I am," He said touching his shoulder. Those little blue eyes seemed to bore into Lucas's soul.
"Is it because you miss Aunt Peyton?"
Lucas blinked at his nephew. "I…I… I miss your Aunt Peyton buddy. I miss her a lot."
"You should go back home then," Jamie smiled at his Uncle and bounced out of the grim guest bedroom.
Lucas wasn't sure if he'd ever heard anything that logical come out of six year old's mouth.
"Maybe your right," he whispered to no one at all.
|"I want to get married." Peyton added quietly.
"I'm not going to marry you because of this. We'll wait until after the baby's born."
"I don't want to wait. God Lucas I love you. Don't you want to marry me?"
"Of course," He said placing a kiss on the top of her forehead. "But not because of what might happen, I won't do that."|
Peyton figured out that her and Lucas had gotten married. It wasn't by memory or a sudden dream. She just realized that the engagement ring that had been sitting on her left hand for months had been replaced by a simple sterling silver band.
Today Brooke had been with her. Making sure she ate a little and took her medications on time. No one would tell her what happened or where Lucas was. With even the mention of his name weather it'd be Nathan, Brooke, or Haley, someone would suggest she get some rest. Which she did. It seemed like all she did most days was sleep for hours and only be woken up to take another pill. Everything was so confusing and so hard for her to understand. But she stopped questioning everything; she was just too tired to do so.
Brooke was helping Peyton in to bed and Brooke was telling Peyton about how Julian was flying in soon and she had to get him from the airport. When all of the sudden Peyton turned to Brooke with this look on her face. Brooke was alarmed. Her best friend was in a state of panic, which was causing Brooke to also panic. Peyton began to run her hands down her body franticly. She stopped when she reached her belly, which use to be expanded. It was now deflated and Peyton felt a long thick scar covering her abdomen. Brooke could tell that Peyton was freaking out.
"Does Lucas…Does Lucas have Sawyer? Does he have the baby?"
Brooke turned pale and sputtered out, "Honey, you've got to calm down."
"Brooke where's my baby? What the hell is going on?"
"I think it's time for you to get some rest P."
"NO! NO! NO! Not until you tell me what the hell's going on."
"Peyton," Brooke warned. "Please calm down."
"Where is the baby, Brooke?"
Brooke exhaled loudly and tried to steady her own frantic breathing.
"Peyton calm down please. I really don't want to do this,"
Peyton continued to freak out, causing Brooke to reach into the nightstand and grab a bottle of sedative. She filled up the syringe and when Peyton turned her head, she administered the drug in her arm.
Brooke watched in utter horror her friend's panic subside and her drift off to sleep. She wondered how long everyone planned to keep this charade up. She could handle her pain but not Peyton's. And she was so afraid of what would happen when Peyton found out the truth.
|"Can we talk about this please?" He pleaded with her.
"You want to talk about then call it what it is. An abortion!" Tears began to steam down her face.
"That's not what the doctor called it!" Lucas screamed.
Yet that's what it was. |
He had been selfish. He realized that now. Now that it was too late. He didn't want her, he reasoned. He said he didn't want her, so god took her back. Truth was he did want her. She was supposed to be his whole world. Lucas downed another beer and felt the depression he had been trying to run away from take hold of his body. He wondered why everything had to happen the way it did.
Why did I leave her alone? That thought crept in his mind constantly. He should have never left Peyton alone. He knew her condition. He knew it could happen anytime anywhere. Yet he left her to get that stupid fucking car.
One, he reminded himself, the car wasn't stupid.
And Two, it wasn't his fault.
But he couldn't help but feel guilty. All the things he'd said; he couldn't take them back. And all the things that had happened felt just like clockwork that seemed to fabricate his and Peyton's life.
We are finally going to be happy. Bam! She could die.
He took another gulp of his beer and began to stare at the lines in the wood of the old oak bar. It wasn't very interesting, but it was something.
After a few moments of that he started looking around the bar at the other patrons when his phone began to ring.
"Hey Luke. It's Brooke,"
"Hey Brooke? Everything okay?" He asked. He could hear the dips in her voice. That only happened when she was upset.
A silence took over. It was a loud silence, one that hurt his ears.
|"Lucas Eugene Scott! Leave that alone or I'll beat your ass!" Peyton called out through her tears.
She watched him began to unscrew the little basket ball net off the wall from the baby's room and it broke her heart. They both loved this baby, she could tell by all the effort he'd put in to this room. Her surprise.
"You sound like a mom," He said putting down the screwdriver and looking in to her eyes.
"I am a mom,"|
She waited for his response. She waited in agony. This was so difficult, she'd never experienced such a thing in her life, her heart was broken.
"Lucas?" She said softly into the phone after it seemed like hours had passed.
"How?" He said quickly, rushing it out, hurting with ever letter of the word.
"God! I have no fucking idea. she looks at me and starts freaking out! Then she starts screaming 'Where is Sawyer? Does Lucas have the baby?' I didn't know what to do,"
"Sawyer?" He asks fighting back tears as a small smile forms at the corner of his lips.
"Yep," Brooke says starting to cry. "Sawyer,"
"Sawyer Scott," he whispers.
"Why did this happen Lucas?" Brooke says like a lost little girl, she's crying and couldn't stop even if she wanted to. This hurts. They're all hurting. But Peyton doesn't even know. They got to hold her, they got to look at her, smell her soft baby skin, touch her dark curls. Peyton didn't.
"I wish I knew," Exhaling, "Is someone there now?"
"Haley. I had to go get Julian from the airport."
"Good. Thanks for telling me Brooke."
"Are you going to tell her? Lucas, we have to remember her. Let Peyton be a part of this."
"We'll tell Peyt when she's stable."
"You know she never will be. Not without out you there to pull her out of this place she's in." Brooke said quietly and then hung up the phone.
| "I now pronounce you by the power vested in me by husband and wife."
Peyton and Lucas smile at Haley and the rest of their guests and interlock in a passionate kiss. Their first kiss as husband and wife.
"Finally," Lucas shouts when they break apart. And she kisses him, again.|
She remembers. It all comes back to her in a matter of moments. She's alone in her wedding dress, white rose petals all over the floor, and then there's blood dripping out of her on to the floor.
God, blood. Her mind races with the memory. The last thing she remembers is falling down in pool of her own blood and screaming Lucas's name.
Peyton runs her hand through her hair and pulls it into a bun on top of her head. It's greasy and she's in need of a shower. But instead she lies in bed as instructed by Haley and watches the ceiling fan spin.
She remembers being in the hospital. She remembers the grayness of the room. She remembers be so heavily medicated she could barely keep her eyes open. She remembers the words be delicate when you tell her. She's not going to handle this well. Spoken outside the door.
Handle what? Tell her what? What the hell was going on here? She didn't have her baby, she didn't have Lucas, she didn't have anything.
She was alone. It was quiet and she was drowning. They'd promised each other forever, he promised to be there for her, and he was no where to be found.
Peyton was tired of lying in bed, tired of taking all these drugs, tired of not knowing what was happening in her own life.
She was tired.
|"Maybe the whole point of you and me is this baby, this life."|
He finally goes home. It took him two weeks but he's there. He sits in a chair pulled along side the bed and watches Peyton breathe. Watches her chest rise and fall and can't help but to think about their daughter. Peyton hadn't met her.
Peyton opens her eyes and see Lucas looking back at her.
"Peyt…." He says on the verge of tears.
"What the hell is going on?" She asks sitting up. "Where's the baby?"
"Peyton," he says slowly not to prepare her but to prepare himself. "There were some complications."
He watches her clench her eyes shut. She hopes, no prays, that he'll say the baby is the NICU and that everything is going to be okay.
Lucas grabs her hands and runs his fingers across her flesh. "She died," he whispers.
"Oh god," Peyton cried and collapses in a fit of tears.
|"You know how you say I'm always saving you?" He sputtered out close to tears.
"I can't save you from this. Peyton I can't." |
They buried Sawyer Brooke Scott three days later. Peyton asked that everyone wear bright colors. In the beginning of the service all of five of them and Jamie let loose 36 colored balloons. One for every week Sawyer was alive in Peyton's womb. Everyone knew Peyton was falling apart. Just like they expected she would. But what they didn't expect was for her to clean herself up, drive herself to the funeral home, and make final arrangements for her baby. No one expected that, not even Brooke. But it's what Peyton did. Somebody had to.
Lucas left her again. He came for the funeral but left soon after. Couldn't he see how hurt she was? Couldn't he see that the guilt was eating her alive? She needed him. She needed him to stand by her side and promise that as long as they had each other it would be okay in the end.
But he wasn't standing by her side. He wasn't telling her it was all going to be okay. So she stopped believing it would be. As her daughter's casket was lowered into the ground, she thought seriously about jumping in and joining her.
It was never going to be okay.
|"I can't accept that our story doesn't have a happy ending." He said holding her shoulders and looking her straight in the eye.
"Don't you see? Our story has the greatest ending because we're together." |
She was in bed, in tears. She cried for every moment she wouldn't get to spend with her daughter. She cried for every minute she spent feeling her daughter move around inside her. She cried for every time she heard her daughter's heart beat, and how it wouldn't beat anymore. She cried for everything.
They had both known the risks of this, her and Lucas, and they decided they would do it together. Peyton thought she was just being reckless with her life. How wrong had she been? She never thought about the possibly of her living and the baby dying. That never crossed her mind. And now it was what she would have to live with the rest of her life.
She had a daughter named Sawyer Brooke Scott and she'd never get to grow up. She could only hope that somewhere in heaven her mom and Keith we're looking out for that little girl. She could only dream that was so.
Peyton continued to cry. Loud, earth shattering sobs, and soon felt a pair of loose arms over her shoulder blades, someone lying beside her. Lucas.
"I'm so sorry babe." He sobbed, tears running on to her skin.
And they held each other like that for the longest time.
A/N: God. That can just break your sprits huh? This was a new style for me. I figured I'd give it a whirl. I did like it, using actually dialogue from the show and then forming it in to this. It was pretty fun. (I wouldn't feel bad for saying that, if this story wasn't so depressing) If you're wondering on length it's a little more than 9 pages. So let me know what you think, comments are the greatest.