A/n: For those of you who may not know already, I'm a wannabe movie screenwriter. And because I've parodied at least all of the TT episodes at least once (I think, I totally lost count lol), I'm deciding to fully parody each episode. This means that I'm gonna write the whole thing out, only my way. XD And for those of you who (like me) love the movie The Road to El Dorado, go read The Road to El Dorado Parody by iSparrow. (Find it in my story favs if your too lazy to look it up yourself.) Why? Because it's where I got this idea and it's freaking HILARIOUS.
Divide and Conquer
[We open on an overhead shot of a prison at night. Aaah, what a peaceful night. The stars are shining, the birds—er, owls—are...singing? Do owls sing? I dunno, but that's a good question—HOLY CRAP WHAT'S HAPPENING?]
FRONT ENTRANCE: *is shattered to pieces*
[Smoke is pouring in on all sides where the door used to be, and sirens 'n other ominous things are going sounding off in the background. Zoom in on the entrance. Three miscellaneous guards / Clone Troopers enter the scene.]
MISCELLANEOUS GUARD / CLONE TROOPER #1: Something just happened here! I dunno what, but we better look like we know what we're doing or we'll never get that raise! So, uh, I dunno, look around for clues or something! Move out!
[They fan out, and start looking for clues Scooby-Doo style. Apparently, they have to run around an empty yard just to make sure that no one else is in it, but oh wait, you can do that by just looking at it. Idiots.]
MISCELLANEOUS GUARD / CLONE TROOPER #1: Well we can't seem to find anything, so I suppose that everything is hunky-dory and we totally just overreacted—
LARGE ROCK: *is thrown*
MISCELLANEOUS GUARD / CLONE TROOPER #2: HOLY SHIT!
MISCELLANEOUS GUARD / CLONE TROOPER #3: Is that thing a rock? It could totally crush us, but hey, let's fire at it anyway!
MISCELLANEOUS GUARD / CLONE TROOPER #1: Good idea! Fire!
[And so they fire their guns. (Wait, guns? This is a kid's show for Pete's sake, and that's promoting violence...I'm on to you, Cartoon Network...) The guns don't seem to be doing anything, and our villain for this episode, a cinderblock man...thing...comes into view. He gets mad at the Clone Troopers (He must work for Darth Vader!) and stomps the ground.]
OUR VILLAIN / CINDERBLOCK MAN...THING...: I IS ANGRY! I SMASH!
THE GROUND: *is smashed*
[But our loyal Clone Trooper friends keep on firin' those guns. They still do absolutely nothing, and the Clone Troopers eventually die—er, I mean, they go to the land with unicorns and ice cream.]
[INSIDE THE PRISION]
[Our villain is clearly about to do something bad—pick his nose? Kick a can? Prank call someone?—but he stops when he hears a voice.]
BEAST BOY: -is o.c.- What the—we came here to stop a rock...from breaking in jail? What kind of twisted episode is this?
ROBIN: -is o.c.- It's the first episode, you moron. Now, I'm gonna say a cheesy line, and we'll all start kicking the crap out of this thing! Who's with me?
THE TEAM: Eeeehhh, I guess.
ROBIN: Alright! One!
BEAST BOY: Three!
ROBIN: *math joke* Ok, now we're gonna kill you! Titans, go!
[Everyone leaps to an attack as the camera snaps to black.]
THAT: *totally rimed*
THIS SCENE: *was pointless*
[Is it just me, or was that theme kinda pointless too? Aw well, it's catchy, isn't it? Anyway. We return to the fight scene with Cinderblock (lol that's actually his name! But he'll always be Our Villain / Cinderblock man...Thing... to me!).]
ROBIN: *steals the spotlight and totally kicks that bitch of a rock*
STARFIRE: *hits Cinderblock with her starbolts*
[Ok, I'm sorry for interrupting, but what kind of idiot names their power "Starbolts" when their name is "Starfire"? Pfft, LAME! And how can kicking a walking talking block of cement not break your foot into a million pieces? One more thing: who the hell would break into a prison in the middle of no where at night? Can you say, "desperate for a plot"?]
CYBORG: IMMA BLAST YOU TO BITS, BITCH.
[When OH NOEZ, Cyborg totally gets punched. I'm sorry, but this battle is a bit too lame for me to be paying attention to. So let's skip forward some, shall we? Lets see...People get punched, b*tch slapped, hit with random items, you get to see up Starfire's skirt, and Raven get's tackled by Beast Boy.]
BB/RAY FANGIRLS: SQUEE!
CYBORG: Oh sh*t! *gets hit with random pillar that can be pulled from the wall*
[The people who built this prison will NOT be happy. Anyway, Cy crashes and burns, Starfire melts the metal pillar (wait, if she can melt that, why not melt the cement monster? Hello? Common sense anybody?), and Cinderblock gets scared and runs off.]
ROBIN: *helps Cyborg up* Hey, you wanna do that move with the really lame name?
CYBORG: Pfft, HELLS YEAH!
[They run after Cinderblock and somehow they deify the laws of gravity by running up the walls. Now there on the ceiling, and are planning something cheesy, I just know it, AND OH NOEZ Robin totally catches Cyborg's foot in his own and they twirl around in the air for a couple seconds before crashing to the ground and shooting their teammates by mistake.]
CINDERBLOCK: ...Well that was easy. *breaks through walls because he's obviously too big to use the door like normal villains and goes out of sight*
VARIOUS PRISIONERS: Yaaaaaaay we're free!
[They start to run out of their cells, but pee themselves and run back in when they see Beast Boy in dino form. Wow, what loosers.]
[IN FRONT OF A MYSTERIOUS DOOR]
CINDERBLOCK: Steel! My worst enemy! *breaks down door* HA HA TAKE THAT! Oh, what's inside this mysterious room? A half-naked guy in a giant test tube! My lucky day! *grabs the test tube and punches the floor* TAKE THAT, FLOOR! Now to make my escape!
ESCAPE: *is made*
[BACK TO THE TITANS]
[It seems that the Titans have stopped a jailbreak. Oh wait, no they haven't. They just stopped most of it. Anyway, Robin and Cyborg seem to be fighting. Oh, I wanna hear this.]
ROBIN: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU ASS.
CYBORG: No it isn't! I told you, no playing footzie outside of the bedroom!
SLASH FANGIRLS: OMG YES.
ROBIN: Well how could I resist? Your foot was just so HAWT right there and I just HAD to—
STARFIRE: Stop being so mean! This is a kid's show!
BEAST BOY: Plus this is only the first episode! If we start arguing off the bat, then there's no point in having a team!
DAVID SLACK: Just shut up and wait! The plot will appear soon!
RAVEN: Plot? Who said anything about a plot? And what ever happened to the episode where we actually form the team?
STARFIRE: That's season 5.
CYBORG: HOLY SH*T I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HIM FOR FIVE FREAKING SEASONS? No way! I quit! *walks away dramatically*
ROBIN: *stands there in shock along with the rest of the team*
[And now we pan to...Darkness? A red background? Working Gears? A throne? A creepy silhouette? AND FLOODLIGHTS? OMFG THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!]
CINDERBLOCK: *stomps into room with his tired looking boy toy still sleeping in the test tube*
SCARY SILHOUETTE MAN: Ah, so you've returned. And with a test tube! Impressive, but you could have done better then that guy. But oh well, I've got hormones, so wake him up!
CINDERBLOCK: *opens test tube*
BOY TOY INSIDE OF TEST TUBE: *awakens* OHGOD NOT YOU! Wait...I seem to be turning into...some kind of...big glob of...goo! *turns into some kind of big glob of goo*
SCARY SILHOUTTE MAN: Oh score! Now go kill the Teen Titans then come back!
PLASMUS (AKA SOME KIND OF BIG GLOB OF GOO): Ok!
[Fade to black after Plasmus has a tiny tantrum.]
[AT THE TITANS TOWER]
BEAST BOY: *tries to call Cyborg but no answer is found* Aw c'mon, dude your phone is built into your arm!
[Beast Boy, discouraged, hangs up. Starfire shoves some kind of ungodly oatmeal into his mouth, and he starts to gag.]
BEAST BOY: STAR! You know I hate oatmeal!
STARFIRE: ...Oh it's not oatmeal.
BEAST BOY: Then what is it?
STARFIRE: Cyborg handles the bills, so the plumbing got cut off. And since I didn't want this sitting in the toilet—
BEAST BOY: OHMIGAWD YOU SICKO!
[Beast Boy runs off and pukes somewhere o.c. Starfire takes the bowl over to Raven, who is watching some kind of monitors...with shapes on them. I hate those shapes. I couldn't get the circle to go through the square whole. WHY WOULDN'T YOU GO IN?]
RAVEN: Get that out of my face.
STARFIRE: :( Ok, well can you help me find Robbie? I'll give this to him.
RAVEN: No. Leave me to sulk. *the screens behind her explode*
STARFIRE: *flies off, scared*
[And so Starfire finds Robin, staring dramatically out a window, watching over the city. He is probably going to say something relevant to the plot, but then there's this whole angsty scene about how he's missing his buddy and honestly I'm bored to tears. But then an alarm goes off and they all start freaking out because they think that it's the IRS.]
ROBIN: No you guys, it's just the police scanner! Crime is afoot! Let's move out!
[INSIDE A CHEMICAL FACTORY]
[Wait a minute, let's review, shall we? There are superheros living in a city with a freaking chemical factory? No wonder they fight so many freaks! The chemicals can alter normal people into, oh, I dunno, SOME KIND OF BIG GLOB OF GOO? Speaking of which, Plasmus is attacking. And—ohmigawd—he's totally drinking that sewage or whatever it is oh ewwww!]
STARFIRE: HAAAAAYYY PAY ATTENTION TO ME! *hits the can of sewage or whatever with a (oh God) starbolt*
PLASMUS: I SHALL CRUSH YOU.
ROBIN: *runs forward and starts punching it when OH NOEZ his hand gets stuck in the goo* AAAHH SH*T HELP HELP!
STARFIRE: ...My hero?
STARFIRE'S COMMON SENSE: *comes a knocking*
STARBOLTS: *are thrown at Plasmus*
[Plasmus now has a hole in his stomach. So if he eats, where is everything gonna come out...? Oh, wait, he's fixing himself, nvm.]
RAVEN: *leaps majestically and pulls Starfire out of the way of an incoming blast of goo and starts fighting Plasmus*
STARFIRE: Like, omg, I totally chipped a nail!
[Has anyone else noticed that Robin and Beast Boy are conveniently missing from this scene? We now pan back to reveal that the Titans are—GASP! BEING WATCHED? ON A NON-HD TV? And they are being watched by the Scary Silhouette Man! And a butler...?]
SCARY SILHOUTTE MAN: Dammit, I thought that watching them get killed would be more fun. Gawd. Ok, Cinderblock, go find the missing one and beat the crap outta him.
CINDERBLOCK: *stomps away*
THAT: *was kinda pointless*
THE SCREEN: *fades to black*
[Aaaaaannnnddddd we're back, with the Titans getting their asses kicked. Starfire throws some starbolts here, Raven some black energy here, Beast Boy is running like a coward, and Robin once again tries to steal the spotlight. When all of a sudden, the idea of tying Plasmus down with metal comes to Starfire's mind, when it should have been there like three damn hours ago (ya think she's blonde underneath that red hair?). So they tie Plasmus up.]
ROBIN: Alright team! Now all we have to do is turn around unexpectedly and—
PLASMUS: *breaks free by splitting himself up...? Eww*
THEIR PANTS: *are soiled*
[And now they're hiding behind a door, but OH NOEZ Plasmus breaks down that door. The Titans separate, and a part of Plasmus follows them each.]
INSERT: *fight scene*
[Let's go back to Robin, because he's obviously the main character, right? So anyway, he's fighting a wicked looking part of Plasmus, making some kung-foo noisses, and hey, he's loosing! Oh, wait that's bad, isn't it? He's fighting on a conveyer belt, and knocks the Plasmus thing into the boiling chemicals, but OH MY GAWD HE IS FALLING TOO, but he grabs the edge of the belt.]
ROBIN: *holds on for dear life*
THIS SCENE: *is suspenseful*
AUDENCE: *is sitting on the edge of their seats*
[Robin's hand lets go.]
[Cyborg's hand catches him and pulls him back to safety. Robin makes sure that his arm is still on his body.]
CYBORG: I totally just saved your tiny ass, man. You owe me, big time. Like, I'm talking, be my bitch forever.
ROBIN: Yeah yeah WHATEVER. Let's just go kill Plasmus so then we can go home and discuss this off screen.
CYBORG: Yeah ok.
ROBIN: Yeah ok.
[And so they return and go kill Plasmus with the Sonic Boom and then they make up.]
[OUTSIDE THE CHEMICAL FACTORY]
BEAST BOY: Wait, so you're back on the team?
DAVID SLACK: HA HA IN YO FACE!
CYBORG: Besides, I was never really gonna leave the team, I just did it for the plot and HA HA YOU ALL BAUGHT IT. LOL AT CHU.
ROBIN: ...You ass.
CYBORG: Hey, I brought a present!
PRESENT: *is Cinderblock*
BEAST BOY: That is such a lame present, dude.
CYBORG: Aw, whatever, I'm back on the team, right?
ROBIN: But stuff is still bothering me. Breaking into jail? Using Plasmus to distract us? The whole plan seems to be a little too smart for Cinderblock. Any ideas who did it?
BEAST BOY: …
ROBIN: ...Good point, we'll figure it out later. Now, who wants pizza?
[BACK TO THE SCARY LAIR WITH THE GEARS AND—OH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN]
SCARY SILHOUETTE MAN: *smashed tea cup* DAMMIT!
TEA CUP: *is dead*
SCARY SILHOUETTE MAN: I'll get you next time, you meddling kids!
A/n: Wow this was lame. Oh well. Review please!
(Oh, and David Slack is the writer of this episode. Just thought that you would want to know who he is.)