Big thanks and shout-out goes to BellaMadonna, Clare, Silver, Maria and Laura for all of their feedback on this chapter.
I've been dying to use this chapter's song for this fic since I started writing it.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight, I think that's been established by now.
Chapter 19 - All Around Me
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you
I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
- All Around Me - Flyleaf
I'd dreamed and fantasized about this moment for the majority of my life. I'd always wondered what it would be like to come face to face with the man who shared the same genes as me. I wondered what similarities we still shared, if I still looked like him. I had a picture of him in my room at my parent's house, tucked away in a shoe-box in the back of my closet. No one knew I had it and how frequently I looked at it.
In the photograph I was just a toddler. It must have been taken just before he left. I couldn't really place the exact time as I was really too young to remember that day. I was perched on his shoulders, my hands buried in the crazy mop of hair on top of his head that so strongly resembled how mine currently was. Alice was in our mother's arms as they both leaned against Edward Sr. We all looked so happy and content; a picture perfect family. I wondered now, for not the first time, what had changed? What had caused him to leave us when we all looked so happy and content? This was my chance to find out.
The desire to meet this guy, the man currently standing before me, mouth agape and unsure, had been strong for so long. I just hid that desire well. Bella didn't even know the extent of it. Hell, I didn't even know the extent of it until this very moment in time.
My hand still gripped Bella's hand tightly, my palm sweaty and hot from the anxiety streaming throughout my body.
"Excuse me?" he asked, his eyes wide with surprise and uncertainty as they darted between Bella, me, and the exit.
"Um, it's me, Edward, your son," I responded my eyes looking everywhere but his face. "I wondered if maybe we could talk."
The space between us was quickly becoming thick with uncomfortable air. Having made the initial move, I now wasn't sure what to say or do.
Bella's thumb continued to rub circles along my palm, reassuring me that I was not alone.
"I, uh, don't know what there is to say," he replied, turning his awkward gaze from me and back to his equipment, moving quickly while he packed it up.
"What do you mean?" I asked, my voice rising, anger starting to boil up in me. Of course there were things to say. Apart from anything else, I had so many questions. So much I wanted to know about him, about why he left us. I wanted to know how he could do that to us. I wanted to know what he had done since he'd left. I wanted to know about his music. I wanted him to know about mine. I had so many questions that only he could answer.
He let out a heavy sigh and shrugged his shoulders. "Why did you come here?"
"I told you. I wanted to talk to you," I answered, trying not to stammer and stumble over my words.
"It wasn't a good idea for you to come here, Edward," he replied, his voice full of indifference as he slung his guitar case over his shoulder.
What the fuck?
I was his biological son, his own flesh and blood, and he was acting like he couldn't care less that I was standing in front of him and wanting to talk with him. Hurt and rage and confusion began to settle just under my skin, and my muscles became rigid. Almost instantly, Bella positioned her body closer to mine, wrapping her free hand around my arm and caressing my skin, applying just enough pressure to ground me.
"You owe me answers!" I blurted out as he began to walk away. He stopped and I could see the heavy rise and fall of his chest as he breathed deeply.
"That's something I can't give you," he answered, shaking his head and running his fingers through his hair in an eerily familiar way. "You're better off."
"Don't you think that should be up to me? You owe me. You just left us with nothing! You just threw your family away like they were trash!" I yelled, throwing the arm that wasn't currently attached to Bella's up in the air in frustration. I gritted my teeth to try and bite back all the hurt and rage.
He advanced, coming closer to me and stopping just in front of me, staring me straight in the eyes. "It was what was best for you. I couldn't have a family. It wasn't in my design. I was no good for you guys and I'm still not. Music is my life. I couldn't give anything to you guys. I knew Carlisle would be there to pick up the pieces, and he did, didn't he? He loved your mother in a way I never could. He could be a better father to you and Alice. Domestic family man is not me."
I felt my heart beating faster, as Carlisle's disdain for my musical talent began to take on a whole new meaning. I already knew why it bothered him, but hearing Edward, Sr. now made it hit so much closer to home. Carlisle literally hated this man standing in front of me. It suddenly dawned on me how much it must hurt Carlisle to have to look at me and see this man's face in front of him; to see so many similarities. I was suddenly seeing Carlisle's point of view in a whole new light. While, in my opinion, none of this made his actions right, I suddenly began to see our situation differently. He really did want me to be better; to be successful; to not be like the selfish and arrogant son of a bitch standing in front of me. And I wasn't.
I shook off all thoughts of Carlisle and my relationship, realizing those were best kept for another day, and spit back, "How could you just abandon us though? Your own flesh and blood! Don't you care at all? About what Alice is doing with her life? Or me?"
"It was just easier that way," he answered, shrugging his shoulders with so much indifference that it felt like I'd just been punched in the gut.
"You're right, it was a mistake that I came here," I said, glaring at him and turning around to leave, pulling Bella by the hand behind me.
There was nothing more to say.
The ride home from the bar was quiet. I appreciated Bella giving me the space I needed to sort through all of the emotions currently pumping angrily around inside of me. That was one of the many things I loved about Bella, she could just sense what I needed. I didn't want to talk about the exchange with my "father'". I didn't want to discuss the fact that he didn't want anything to do with me, never had and never would.
I'm not going to lie, it fucking hurt. There was a huge part of me that had wanted the meeting to work out. My biological father and I had so much in common. Perhaps it was naive of me to believe that he would immediately accept me that we'd pick up our guitars and sit around a camp-fire to sing Kumbaya . After all, he'd never bothered to contact me before this. But there was that small part of me that just wanted to bond with him in a way I was never able to with Carlisle. There was a part of me that longed for that type of father-son connection.
But really, hadn't I partially expected that very reaction from him? I had. So on some level, it didn't devastate me as much as it probably should have.
If anything, the altercation with Edward, Sr. gave me a new found hope at the possibility of a better relationship with Carlisle. I knew we had a lot of work to do, but the possibility didn't seem as dim as it once had.
Wordlessly, I helped Bella out of the car once we reached my apartment. She held my hand firmly as I led her toward the bedroom. I didn't know if she was tired or not, but I was fucking exhausted. All I wanted to do was to crawl under the sheets with my girl and forget that this night ever happened.
Bella seemed to sense that was what I needed because she wordlessly began pulling off her shorts before climbing into my bed in just her t-shirt and underwear. I swallowed thickly as I watched her nestle down into the sheets, smiling to myself at how perfect she looked there.
I quickly followed suit, taking my jeans off and pulling my t-shirt over my head. I grabbed a pair of pajama pants and quickly put them on before climbing into bed next to Bella and immediately wrapping my arms around her. She cuddled into my chest as I rested my chin on top of her head.
Bella let out a contented sigh and I felt her lips brush softly against my neck. "I love you," she breathed, the words floating up to me and settling deep into my heart.
"I love you too," I whispered back, kissing the crown of her head.
A calm quiet settled over the room as we lay together, limbs tangled around each other. I ran my fingers through her hair causing her sigh softly.
After several moments I began to wonder if she had fallen asleep, her breathing had become steady against me and I felt my body finally beginning to relax until her voice shattered the silence of the room, making my heartbeat quicken.
"Edward, I want to be with you."
I tilted my head downward so I could look at her face. "You are with me."
"No Edward, I want to be with you."
I stared at her for a long moment, trying to decipher if she meant what I thought she meant.
"Are you sure?" I asked, swallowing hard.
Please be sure, please be sure.
I felt like an ass for even thinking like that, but after the day I'd had, I wanted nothing more than to just feel her body and love her; to feel her love for me in the most intimate and physical way possible.
I told him I was sure, and I was. I wanted him. I wanted to feel him and experience this with him. I trusted him. I needed him. I knew he needed this too. He didn't have to explain to me how he was feeling about the events of this evening. It wasn't necessary.
I had stood with him while he had been rejected by his biological father, and as if the rejection hadn't been a big enough blow, he already felt dismissed by the only father he'd ever known. He didn't need to tell me how he felt because the rejection and intense hurt was rolling off his body in vast waves. I could feel it so strongly it was as if it had just happened to me.
I wanted him to know that he was needed and loved. Both of us needed this connection, the most intimate connection there is between two people. I was so ready for this. Beyond ready, actually. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted Edward.
I wanted Edward to make love to me.
Pushing away from him for a moment, I sat up and reached for the hem of my shirt and swiftly pulling it over my head. I heard a quick intake of break next to me and I knew Edward was watching my every move.
I laid back down on the mattress, feeling Edward instantly move above me the moment my head hit the pillow.
"You're so beautiful," he breathed against my lips before kissing me gently.
Bringing my arms up, I placed my hands on his back, caressing the hard muscles of his shoulders. I ran my fingers down and over the smooth skin of his stomach, feeling him tense under my touch, his lips moving faster over mine. Placing my hands back up on his chest, I scraped my fingernails gently through the light spattering of hair I felt there and began to trail my fingers downward. He groaned loudly as my nails scraped over his nipples and made their way down to his waist-band. I played with the light amount of hair that was there before tugging at the draw string of his sweat pants, attempting to release him.
Quickly, Edward removed my hands from him and I could hear and feel him kicking off his pants and then a soft thud as they hit the floor. As soon as he was positioned above me once again, my hands instantly flew to his body, finding their way back to his waist-band.
Just as I was about to plunge my hand into his boxers, wanting to feel his silky hardness against my finger-tips, he gripped my wrist, halting my progression.
"Stop," he demanded gently. He placed both my wrists in one of his hands, holding them firmly and placing them above my head on the mattress.
"What-" I began to protest, but the words immediately left me as he began kissing up and down the skin of my neck, shooting tingles along my spine. I began squirming under his touch, trying to free my wrists so I could touch him.
"I want to make this about you. I want to make you feel good, Bella," he whispered against my skin, his lips nipping and sucking as he moved down my body. He took my nipple in his mouth, sucking gently and causing incoherent sounds to fall from my mouth.
"You always make me feel good," I replied, my voice breathy and soft.
"I love you," he whispered against my skin in response, as he continued his path down my body, stopping every now and again to taste me. He dipped his tongue into my belly button, causing small giggles to shake through my body. I could feel him smiling against my stomach.
He released my wrists finally, and immediately I reached out for him, wanting to feel any part of him I could. I found the smooth strands of his hair and immediately dug my fingers into it.
It seemed like forever before he made his way down my body and began tugging my underwear down my legs. My heart hammered against my chest and I was equal parts excited and nervous. At this point, I was completely exposed to him, my entire body available for his judgment and scrutinizing. Though I knew, that's not what it was. He was admiring my body and memorizing it. This was the first time I'd truly been comfortable completely nude in front of Edward. Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew he was looking at me with nothing but love and devotion. I could feel the intensity and the weight of his gaze. My first instinct was to cover myself, but I knew he would stop me. This time though, I wanted him to look. I wanted him to know my body like he knew every other part of me.
"I want you," I whispered, never being so sure of anything in my entire life.
A low growl sounded throughout the room and then I felt his mouth on mine, urgent and full of need.
"There's something I want to do first," he whispered as he pulled away from the kiss and removed my hands from his hair.
Suddenly his warmth was no longer above me and I whimpered at the loss.
Then just as suddenly as he'd disappeared he was back again, placing kisses against the inside of my thigh. I gasped, taken by surprise.
"Is this okay?" he asked gently, his hands rubbing firmly up and down my thighs, his thumbs dangerously close to where I could feel my need for him building.
I nodded my head, hoping I appeared much more confident on the outside then I was on the inside. Holy crap, is he going to do what I think he's going to do?
I yelped and jerked my hips upward as I felt his tongue come in contact with my slick and heated skin.
Yes he was definitely doing what I thought he was going to do.
My legs shook with each pass of his tongue against me and I gripped the sheets in my hands so hard I thought I might tear a hole straight through them. The sensations were brutally intense, yet not enough. There was no way to describe it.
I moaned and whimpered, my hips writhing unabashedly against his face.
Finally the pleasurable sensations reached their crescendo, coiling and snapping. My mouth fell open and my eyes rolled back. The shear intensity of the moment caused my body to tense, my back arching slightly off the mattress, the back of my head sinking further into the pillow as I cried out. My legs stiffened and my toes curled.
Oh. My. God.
My body instantly went limp, breaths coming out in rapid pants. I could feel Edward's lips trailing up my body, across my stomach, up through the valley of skin beneath my breasts and finally up to greet my awaiting lips.
He kissed me slowly, full of love and sweetness. My own lips moving lazily against his, my entire body feeling heavy, my limbs like jello.
I sighed as he pulled his lips from mine and began kissing down my neck once again. "Did you like that?" he whispered in my ear, his voice deep and full of desire.
All I could do was nod.
For a few moments I could do nothing but lay there, with Edward above me. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed me softly. I could feel him pressed up against my thigh and I knew I was ready. I needed him. Wanted him.
"I'm ready," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer to me. He shifted gently, pressing his chest down into mine as he leaned over me and took a deep breath.
"You have to tell me if it hurts or if you want me to stop," he whispered softly, his breath tickling my ear. A shiver rippled through my body as I ran my hands up and down his arms, loving the way the smooth skin and soft hairs felt against my finger-tips. I dragged my fingers up over his shoulders and into his hair, pulling his head down toward me so I could kiss his lips.
"I know it's going to hurt Edward," I whispered back as I pulled my mouth away from his. I did know it was going to hurt. I wasn't completely naive. I just didn't care because I wanted him this way. I wanted to feel him. I wanted our bodies to connect in the most intimate way, to be consumed by each other. I wanted him to make love to me, to show me with his body how much he loved me.
I heard a shuddering breath come from Edward's lips and felt the hot air as it fanned across my face. Suddenly, his mouth was back on mine and he kissed me harder than he had been just a minute before, but I didn't mind because this was what I needed that indicated he wanted me just as badly as I wanted him.
Goosebumps rippled across my skin as one of his hands made its way down my body. His hand stopped when it reached my hip and he massaged the skin there gently. I couldn't help the whimper that fell from my lips. Every time he touched me, no matter where it was, it felt like a jolt of electricity and pleasure.
Slowly, he spread my legs apart and I felt the bed shift as he positioned is body in between them.
"I love you, Bella," he whispered, slowly lowering his body down onto mine, his naked chest rubbing against me in almost a painfully pleasurable way. I loved the way his skin felt against mine. Pure bliss.
I felt his hands on either side of my head, one of them cupping my face and running soft circles across my cheek.
"I love you, too," I replied back, giving him the most reassuring smile I could muster. "I'm ready," I repeated, putting as much confidence into the words as I could.
"Just remember to tell me if it's too much for you. Please, baby, you have to tell me." His voice was practically begging me and I nodded.
"It's okay, Edward," I assured him. My hands were still in his hair, so I scratched at his scalp gently, because I knew he loved the way it felt and I hoped it would help him relax.
Edward buried his face into my neck, pressing a soft kiss in the juncture where my shoulder and my neck came together. The hair on his face tickled and scratched at my skin, causing a soft sigh to escape my lips.
And then I felt him right where I needed him to be, pressing against me gently.
I gasped as he slowly began to slip just a little bit inside, my body tensed automatically at the intrusion.
"Relax, baby," Edward whispered as he placed another gentle kiss against my neck and his hand began to make soothing circuits up and down my side.
I took a deep breath, my fingers still gripping his hair. I hoped I didn't end up pulling a whole bunch of it out. My heart was pounding in my chest and I knew he could feel it, because I could feel his. I knew he was just as nervous as I was.
"Ok, I'm ready. Keep going. Please."
Once again Edward began to slowly push in, and I could feel my body stretching to accommodate him. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt and so completely different than when he used his fingers. He probably wasn't even half way in yet but I already felt so...consumed. Full. Complete. There was no other way to describe it.
Just as my body began to relax, Edward stopped his movements. He took a deep breath, his chest pushing against mine as he exhaled.
"Alright baby, this is going to hurt," he brushed his lips against mine slowly, "I'm so sorry," he whispered, gripping my body closer to his, as if it were even possible, my breasts pushing against his chest almost painfully so.
Slowly, I felt Edward begin to slide in deeper, and then felt him bump against the barrier.
"Take in a deep breath," he instructed, "and when I tell you to exhale, do it."
I nodded in acknowledgment, too nervous to speak, and sucked in a deep breath.
At the same time the air left my lungs, Edward thrust his hips forward and I cried out and tugged on his hair, an intense burning and ache almost numbing me inside. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and a whimper escape my lips as my body tensed, my legs stiffening.
Yeah, they weren't kidding. That really hurt.
I gasped for air and tried to relax my body, but I couldn't.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," he chanted over and over again, placing gentle kisses all along my neck, cheek and finally on my lips. His thumb brushed away the wetness from my tears as it dripped down my face.
He was all the way inside, his hips and mine connected. We just laid there, completely still, for an immeasurable amount of time as my body adjusted and the pain began to slowly dissipate. Edward's lips never left my skin as he just continued to kiss every inch available to him in this position.
A bit tentatively, one of his hands cupped my breast and he began to knead it and roll my nipple in between his fingers. I let out a quiet moan from the pleasurable sensation and felt the rest of my body begin to relax as he worshiped my body with his fingers.
"I'm okay. I think I'm okay," I told him, shifting my hips just slightly, testing to see how painful it would be to continue, causing him to let out a deep growl. I could feel his chest vibrate against mine and it was so sexy. It wasn't too bad, just slightly uncomfortable.
"Are you sure? We can take as long as you need," he replied, his voice strained and gritty. I could hear his teeth grinding together and I knew he was struggling to keep himself in check.
"I'm positive," I assured him.
A woosh of air settled over my chest as Edward lifted his upper body from mine. Slowly, he began to pump his hips, pulling out gently before thrusting back in just as slowly.
"Ungh, fuck," he groaned out, the words slipping from his lips elongated and guttural as he pulled out of me again and then pushed back in. I could feel his arms vibrating at my sides as he held himself above me. "Oh, my god, you feel so good."
Hesitantly, I lifted my legs up and slowly wrapped them around his waist. I had no idea what I was doing, but placing my legs around his waist just seemed to be the right thing to do. I needed to move them and there was no-where else for them to go. The painful ache between my legs had dulled substantially, not completely disappearing, but moving to the background and quickly replaced by something else entirely. Sensations unlike anything else I'd ever felt consumed me.
I moved my hands from their position in his hair to cup his cheeks. I trailed my fingers along his jaw, enjoying the feeling of the stubble against my fingers. I slid my hands around his face, my fingers exploring his features that I had come to know so well through touch. I moved them to trace over his eyebrows and I felt the crease that had formed in between them. His forehead felt damp with perspiration. I continued my exploration of his face and moved to touch his lips. His mouth parted, breaths of air coming out in pants. I ran my fingers over his lips as his tongue swooped out to taste my skin. I loved it when he tasted my skin.
Now more than ever I wish that I had my eye-sight. I wanted to see what he looked like as he consumed my body with all of his love.
"Holy shit, Bella," Edward growled out, and brought his lips down to kiss me chastely. "Does it hurt?" he asked, his breath ragged.
"No," I whispered, the words coming out in a breathy moan as he thrust into me, and my hips moved upward to meet his of their own accord.
Our bodies were slick from sweat and the sounds of our love making reverberated around the otherwise silent room. The mattress squeaked and whined below us, the sheet clinging to my damp skin.
My chest felt tight as a new, yet strong, emotion bubbled up and settled into my throat. I'd never felt anything like this. The feeling of our bodies being connected in this extremely intimate way was making me overwhelmed with the amount of love I felt for Edward in this moment. I suddenly realized why the pain had subsided; I just didn't care about that anymore. All I cared about was what we were experiencing together. I never wanted this moment to end.
"I love you," my devotion to him fell from my lips as he slowly began to pick up the pace. He moved his hand down in between our bodies and slowly started rubbing the area where we were connected. I gasped as a sudden jolt of pleasure shot through my body, a feeling so intense it was almost painful. I was on sensory overload.
"Oh, my god, I love you so much," he whispered back, his lips ghosting over mine and then trailing down my neck.
His movements were becoming more frantic, but were still gentle. His breathing was so heavy I worried he was going to pass out.
"I'm so close," he moaned, "You feel fucking amazing. Oh, my god," he grunted as he thrust into me again, "Nothing's ever been like this."
All I could manage was a whimper because I agreed. There was nothing like this feeling. It was indescribable.
And suddenly Edward's body stilled, a low and long moan erupted from his throat and echoed in my ear. A violent shudder rippled through his body as I gripped him tightly to me. I felt him twitch inside me as he came undone.
He collapsed on top of me, burying his face in my neck as he panted and after shocks of his orgasm caused his body to softly pulsate against me.
His body weight was crushing me slightly, but I honestly wasn't in the frame of mind to care. I gently ran my hands up and down his back, my fingers tracing the ridges of his spine.
After several moments, Edward's breathing evened out and he slowly pulled out of me. I winced, feeling pretty sore already, but despite the ache, I instantly felt empty, my body cold and lonely without him consuming me.
Edward pulled the sheets up over our bare bodies as he pulled me to him.
He kissed me gently on the lips and on my forehead. "I love you."
"I love you too."