Disclaimer: Harry belongs to me when he doesn't belong to JK Rowling. Which is never. Unless it's Warner Bros, but even then JK Rowling's coppyrights totally pawns theirs.
Dedication: to my non-existant social life. May it always be more enjoyable than my previous social life.
A/N: may this story be a lesson to everyone that we never lose the real Harry inamongst the vastness of fantasy versions of him.
Harry Potter was lounging comfortably in the Gryffindor common room, a book splayed on his lap and a merry fire crackling beside him. It was a normal, cannon, situation, mainly because any time something weird happens to Harry the room is always vacant. But he wasn't worried, he had a cool book.
Suddenly the whole room became alive with loud pops as a number of people suddenly materialised around him in large puffs of blue smoke. Harry shot up, his wand pointing at the much unexpected intruders.
"Do you think this is the right place?" asked a voice through the fog.
"Of course it's the right place, you twit. I'm sure I didn't get anything wrong."
"Oh shut up, there's no need to fight, everything will probably go wrong, like everything else in my life…" said a third.
A fourth cut through, "All of you shut the hell up or I'll Avada you arses off."
Harry decided to speak up as the fog cleared but the words were lost when he properly saw the people standing around him. They were identical; fourteen different Harry's surrounded him. He was momentarily stunned.
"Who are you?" he asked once he regained his voice.
They all turned, one Harry approached, sticking out his hand which he nervously shook, "You are Mr Harry Potter, I presume?"
"Pleased to meet you, I'm Ravenclaw!Harry-"
The geeky looking Ravenclaw!Harry continued, "We are characters from Fan fiction who have strayed so far from cannon that we have been sent to re-immerse ourselves with the personality and actions of the original Harry Potter – which is you, of course."
"People are writing fan fiction about me?" Harry spluttered, "holy -"
"Oh don't state the obvious, didn't Ravenclaw!Harry just tell you that?" interrupted a Harry that seemed to have very toned muscles and was dressed completely in an expensive black robe, his eye's sparkled like Dumbledore's, "I'm already itching to kill you, don't make it any harder."
Harry was rather affronted, "Who are you?"
"Me?" he said with a smirk, "I'm Dark!Harry, and I'm completely loyal to Lord Voldemort."
"Unfortunately," said another Harry, "Dark!Harry is exceptionally dark-"
"Yeah, I kinda gathered."
This Harry stepped out of the shadows, he had toned muscle as well, tanned skin, a chiselled jaw and was dressed in tight fitting robes, "As I was saying, Dark!Harry is exceptionally dark which is part of the reason why we're all here, to stop him killing you."
"Oh," stated Harry, "And who are you."
The current Harry held out his hand, which he shook, "I'm Super!Harry, I have powers passed down from Merlin himself, multi-Animagus forms, non-verbal wandless magic, freaky eyes that can change colour – you know, epic shit."
Harry took a calming breath, "Okay, maybe if each of you could sort of – introduce yourself to me so I can get my bearings…"
"Weakling," hissed Dark!Harry. Ravenclaw!Harry rolled his eyes.
"I'll start," said a Harry, walking over and introducing himself, he seemed to be dressed in clothes gathered from all over the world, "Hi, I'm NonBritish!Harry, I grew up in any foreign country – you name it – America, Japan, China, New Zealand, India, France, Australia, Bulgaria – Pakistan – I then return to Hogwarts with exceptional powers, hot looks and a very non-British accent. I then find a chick, defeat Voldemort and return back to my foreign country with said chick."
Harry was bewildered, "Oookay…" before he could say anything else another Harry stepped up.
This Harry twisted the sleeves of his shirt anxiously, his thin frame and pale complexion highlighted the bruises that littered his face, "Um, Hi…I'm Abused!Harry, I'm mainly mistreated by the Dursley's or in some cases my resurrected parents, I then go to Hogwarts where either Snape or Sirius finds out, who then pursue in Dumbledore!Bashing for his meddling ways and afterwards becomes my role model and surrogate father. I then defeat Voldemort on a technicality."
"Hi I'm Gay!Harry," said another one moving forward, dressed in the latest fashion which suited him perfectly, "I like guys. Enough said."
Harry gaped even more.
Another approached who was dressed in muggle clothes, pitch black skinny-leg jeans, black fitted t-shirt, black army boots, black spiky wristbands and choker, gelled (black) hair, and an over abundance of black eyeliner. Harry thought he looked like a band member from Kiss with half the face paint.
"Hi," he said dully, "I'm Emo!Harry, I pop-pills, write suicide notes and listen to too much Evanescence and Savage Garden. I was re-sorted into Slytherin and became best mates with Draco, who dyed his hair black."
Harry almost choked.
A much more cheerful Harry bounded over, who looked relatively normal, "Hi! I'm OverHeroic!Harry, if anyone needs saving I'm there in a flash with no plan and sometimes no wand. I normally defeat Voldemort by sacrificing myself for my girlfriend, best friend, illegal lover or owl. The curse always rebounds and destroys Voldemort."
"Yeah, only in the wildest Fanfics," snorted Dark!Harry, picking at his nails.
"This is very unexpected…" said Harry, looking at all his counterparts, "How do I know you're not all here to kill me."
"Oh I'm here to kill you," piped up Dark!Harry, "normally I would, I can take on multiple opponents and win using a combination of Magic and Muggle style fighting. But unfortunately Super!Harry and OverHeroic!Harry have taken my wand and big arse swords."
"Ignore him, he's just being a jerk," said a new Harry who looked deathly pale and was dressed in a long black cloak, "I can assure you we're not here to kill you. Our magic has been confiscated for the time we're here by our Authors and we've just arrived in our stereotypical form."
"Uh huh…and I'm meant to take your word?" inquired Harry.
"Yep," said this duplicate, "there's nothing you can do about it really, we'll just be forced to follow you everywhere you go."
Harry scowled, "Okay, okay. Get on with it. Who are you?"
"I'm Vampire!Harry, as you can probably guess from my name I'm a vampire," he said, "I normally get bitten as a young child, get shipped off to a Vampire school where I meet the Vampire Lord™ and learn heaps of Fantabulous Skills™, all the while feeding off blood from a donor, preferably Remus Lupin or Severus Snape. I then return to Hogwarts and kick the bejezus out of Voldemort. I'm either bi or gay, never strait.
Harry sat down heavily in the chair in shock.
Another Harry moved forward, he had very toned muscles, angelically manly features, sparkling eyes and had an aura surrounding him that reminded Harry inexplicably of Fleur, "Hi, I'm Veela!Harry," his voice was deep, "I'm incredibly hansom and have unexplained powers. I usually have to find a Mate in a set time frame and usually it's Veela!Draco, though sometimes it's Severus Snape or Hermione Granger. Oh, and it's considered sacrilege to pair me with Ginny"
Gay!Harry was eyeing Veela!Harry appreciatively.
"Next…" Harry said faintly.
A scraggly looking Harry came forward, he had lank greasy hair, a thin frame and ragged clothes, "Hi, I'm Depressed!Harry, I mope around looking lost and vulnerable, refusing help and reducing my personal hygiene standards. I barely eat, snap at anyone who talks to me and reminisce on all my dead loved ones – like my parents, Sirius, Remus and Dumbledore, I blame their deaths on myself, along with Cedric's. My eyes have a tendency to dull from a bright, happier green to a darker moss green when I'm particularly apathetic."
"Don't worry about him killing you," said Dark!Harry, "he's more likely going to kill himself."
"Oh shut up and behave," interrupted another character.
"Like you can tell me to behave, you stupid hypocrite,"
This person ignored Dark!Harry, and instead he turned to cannon Harry and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Rebel!Harry, I abandon Manipulative!Dumbledore and disappear into the Muggle and/or Wizarding world where I meet some new hot-looking friends and collaborate a gang of super-smart, super-strong teenagers. We give each other badass nicknames and dress in army pants, miniskirts (girls only, of course), fishnets and platform shoes. We normally have at least one tattoo and one piercing. I then defeat Voldemort with the help of my mobsters and live happily ever after, living a life of rebellion of course. Although we don't really know that because none of the Authors have actually finished their Rebel!Harry stories."
"Oh stop complaining," said another character, "hardly any of our stories have been finished."
"Hi," said the new duplication, "I'm Slytherin!Harry, I was sorted into Slytherin in my first year, I'm normally close friends with Draco and Lucius but I despise Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. I'm a smartarse hottie who plays Seeker on the Slytherin Quidditch team and always wins."
The last of the characters stepped forward, he looked relatively normal, something that Harry was thankful for, "Hi, I'm Crossover!Harry, I always have characteristics and/or looks and/or powers derived from another completely different book, movie, anime or game. I frequently take on the personality and powers of Naruto, Gaara, Jack Sparrow, a Jedi, Wolverine, Peter Pan, Buffy, any Stargate character, any Lord of the Rings character or The Cookie Monster. The whole story line from the end of the Triwizard Tournament is cast aside and replaced with a completely different but insanely elaborated plot that seems to always contain a Goth. It's always filled with parallels and complicated things from the crossover book/movie/game/anime that hardly anyone in Potterverse can understand."
Harry leaned back in his chair whistling unbelievably, overwhelmed by the sheer number of himself present in the room, "well, sit down and explain to me again why you're all here."
The fourteen Harry's went to find chairs and began to sit in a large circle, Emo!Harry couldn't find a chair so OverHeroic!Harry sacrificed his with a smile. Emo!Harry rolled his eyeliner drowned eyes but sat down anyway, letting OverHeroic!Harry stand behind him. Veela!Harry and Gay!Harry shared a seat and Vampire!Harry shuffled his chair away from a particularly sharp wooden stake next to the fire.
"Well, now that we're all seated I want to know what's happening," demanded Harry.
NonBritish!Harry spoke first in a distinct Japanese accent, "we're characters, different versions of you, from Fan fictions that have been completely twisted into something opposite from cannon."
"Right…" drawled Harry, "It still doesn't explain why you're here though."
This time Slytherin!Harry spoke, "We've been sent here by the Cannon Commission to go on a boot camp to become real Harry Potters."
"Surely you were informed?" asked Crossover!Harry.
He shook his head in negative; he didn't even know fan fiction existed.
"Oh it most definitely exists," said Super!Harry.
Harry jerked, "How did you know I was thinking that?"
"I can perform excellent Legilimency without you knowing."
"I thought you couldn't do magic?" Harry growled disconcertedly.
"I'm Super!Harry, I can do epic shit."
Depressed!Harry sighed piteously, "It's incredibly annoying because I'm always the most deplorable and saddest of the lot. And I stink, literally. I don't know why those crazy Authors are so bent on making me unhygienic, as if a few deaths would cause me to stop showering…"
"Oh shut up and swallow it," said Abused!Harry angrily.
"Ha! As if you can talk…you're a roughed up stick insect."
Abused!Harry looked as though he was about to cry until Rebel!Harry interrupter their argument, "Oh give it a rest, we're here to learn from the real Harry, not fight each other."
"I firmly agree," said Gay!Harry.
They all looked expectantly at Harry.
"Err…" he said, taken aback "What do you want me to do?"
"So thick!" muttered Dark!Harry.
"Teach us, of course. Show us how to be you," said Ravenclaw!Harry, "Go around in the circle and tell us individually what we need to change."
The others nodded, except for Emo!Harry who was busy painting his nails black.
"O…..kay," he said, "I'll start with…Super!Harry."
Super!Harry nodded as his 'teacher' began.
"Well, for one thing you need to get rid of those stupid tight clothes and get something more casual on. You need to ditch the superpowers, and I mean all of them, and then get a wand, because ditching your superpowers also means – yes, don't argue with me – ditching you wandless magic. You need to keep your eyes the same colour, they are not rainbows, I repeat: they are not rainbows and stop working out and getting insanely large muscles, I'm much too lazy to do that. In other words stop the 'epic shit'."
Super!Harry looked extremely crestfallen and was kicking the carpet with his toe moodily. Harry ignored his sulking and continued on to Abused!Harry (who looked frightened).
"Alight, the first thing you need to do is get a backbone. If someone hits you, you sock them back, don't lie down and take it. Second thing is that I can understand living with Sirius but Snape is going a little too far! Sure, he might've turned out good at the end but he was still a bitter bastard. Now, when you go back to…wherever you go, you are not to go Dumbledore bashing! He's not the villain; he's an old man who may or may not have known about the Dursley's."
Abused!Harry seemed to have shrunk back into his chair, his eyes darting everywhere.
"What about me?" OverHeroic!Harry asked.
Harry regarded him closely, "Okay, you're actually the best out of this lot, sacrificing yourself is what I do but not for my owl or illegal lover! I have no illegal lover anyway and I exploded Hedwig in like, the fourth chapter of Deathly Hallows or something…"
OverHeroic!Harry looked pleased with his results and made way for Gay!Harry.
"Now, where do I start," began Harry, "well, I might as well cut to the chase. I am not attracted to guys and seeing as I'm the – what is it again? – oh yeah – the cannon Harry here so you shouldn't be either…try and notice women's assets more or something…"
Gay!Harry sighed, "Well, it could have been worse, it's not like I wasn't expecting this…"
"Oh yeah, you'll also have to do out your wardrobe, I have an atrocious fashion sense."
Dark!Harry pushed in, "well c'mon! Tell me what I need to change so I can hurry up, leave, and then ignore your instructions anyway."
Harry raised his eyebrows, "Well, you'll have to change that attitude for sure and quit the Dark Magic and the Voldemort infatuation thing. Don't you know anything about the cannon universe? Anyway," – Harry continued without waiting for an answer – "you also need to water down the workouts and make some friends other than screwball Dark Lords and their minions."
Dark!Harry made a rude gesture but was interrupted by Vampire!Harry,
"But I'm considered Dark….and I can't bloody help it! It's not my fault some sexually frustrated Vampire decided to suck out my platelets and haemoglobin carrying cells…"
"I know, I know," said Harry tiredly, "it's all very tragic but seriously….a vampire? All I can really ask is to act…human I suppose…"
"Pfft, Human?" questioned Veela!Harry, "I doubt it. He'll never be as sexy as Eddie…"
"Eddie…?" Harry tentatively asked.
"Edward Cullen," replied CrossOver!Harry, "Angelically beautiful vampire residing in another fanfiction universe known as Twilight, which is currently trying to take over our much more established and superior spot in the interweb. More and more 'Eddies' have been sneaking into our domain lately."
"They're taking over," whispered Emo!Harry.
Gay!Harry smirked, "but it always seems to be Harry/Edward pairings…I'm loving crossovers right now. No more vying for all the Veela!Harry's anymore!"
"He's a walking talking rock," droned Emo!Harry, "and he somehow had a kid with no bodily fluids. And what kind of vampire has no fangs?"
"Sexy ones obviously," retorted Gay!Harry.
"Plot-confused ones more like."
Harry watched the exchange with his mouth open, "Why so cynical Emo!Harry?"
Emo!Harry stared at Harry, pierced eyebrow raised, "are you serious? Everything sucks in my life!"
"Okay then," said Harry coolly, "My advice to you is to GET HAPPY! I don't really care how you do it."
"What about me?" piped up Veela!Harry again, "I can't exactly stop being beautiful can I?"
"Oh I think I know a way…" mumbled Slytherin!Harry.
Harry ignored him.
"Well, no you can't….just…don't use it to…get what you want all the time," he said placidly.
Veela!Harry smiled, "Of course deary."
Harry cringed, "Don't do that either. It's creepy and paedophilic."
Harry moved on.
"So, Depressed!Harry…I understand what you're going through and everything but I really don't like the smell of my own twelve day old sweat permeating the premises. Showering is a must, along with getting over the fact that half the people you know die."
Depressed!Harry moaned, "it's gonna take me forever to convince my Authors to do that!"
NonBritish!Harry then informed him that it was okay because he would never really get his accent back and so they could both never really be considered cannon together and may even start a club.
"Tough titties" was the response Rebel!Harry snapped.
"Language!" Harry disciplined (or tried to), "I never use bad language in cannon, and the movies don't count because they screwed up every page in the book and made me 5 ft 6. And Rebel!Harry, I want you to stop being so….rebel-ish…people are friends. Dumbledore is Awesome-sauce. All is well."
"We don't use script mode either," Harry said.
Rebel!Harry stared, "…."
All was silent and good.
Slytherin!Harry turned to Harry to break it, "And what about me….I can't exactly re-sort myself can I?"
Harry looked dumbfounded, "Of course you can! You're a Slytherin…threaten the thing or something!"
"And you!" Harry ejaculated (yes, ejaculated people. This word has actually been used in HBP) turning to Ravelclaw!Harry, "you're smart! Write up a new law or something…hold a plebiscite and referendum."
Ravenclaw!Harry scowled aswell.
"And YOU!" Harry yelled pointing to NonBritish!Harry, suddenly on a pubescent rampage reminiscent of fifth year, "Where's the patriotism? Where's you British pride?"
An awesome Indian voice answered him back, "Where is your intercultural accepting? Isn't this whole story meant to be about accepting everyone? The exception being Voldemort and his lackys of course. "
Harry didn't have an awesome answer to the awesome question and so moved onto the next victim, CrossOver!Harry.
"Stop being everywhere except in your own domain. No one likes a free rider."
Crossover!Harry huffed indignantly.
Harry sighed, suddenly exhausted, "That's everyone right?"
"Nope," chorused his replicas.
"We're still waiting on Werewolf!Harry, he was going to be late because his Author made today the full moon," explained Ravenclaw!Harry.
"He should be here in any minu – "
Suddenly a large puff of blue smoke erupted in the middle of the circle.
"Crikey! That was a big one!" promulgated NonBritish!Harry.
"No shit," droned Rebel!Harry.
"Epic shit," grinned Super!Harry.
Once the smoke had cleared a tired looking Harry suddenly materialized, dusting down his robes.
"Sorry everyone, I was going to come straight after the full moon but Harry&sirius4EVA decided this would be a major plot twist and I am now currently on a cliffhanger. Supposedly she's got rid of something that's tremendously important in cannon and I won't find out until a few months/years when she updates next."
The others sighed in sympathy.
Harry was tired now and just wanted them to leave, "Yes well, I'll just tell you what to do then shall I?"
"Yes, yes go on," mumbled Werewolf!Harry.
"Don't bite people. Got it?"
"Good. Now that you're all settled you can go!"
"I just got here!" exclaimed Werewolf!Harry.
"Don't worry," placated Ravenclaw!Harry, "We can't leave anyway, the spell expires in ten minutes."
Harry decided he could wait that out and promptly sat back in his chair. It was silent. But all was Not Well. All was, instead, Awkward.
Abused!Harry was tapping a pencil annoyingly.
Dark!Harry told him to 'Shut the fuck up or I'll use it to stab out your eyes'.
Abused!Harry sniffled piteously and stopped.
NonBritish!Harry called Dobby and asked him for a bun and 'wiener' so he could make an apoplectic hotdog. When Dobby said he himself could make it, and that it would be his honour NonBritish!Harry informed him of his own 'rugged individualism' and the fact that he was a Northerner and therefore detested slavery. He then inquired as too why Dobby was still a slave when there had been a whole Civil War just so he wouldn't have to be. Dobby then informed him that he was in Britain and he had therefore yet to gain his Independence but he loved it all the same because he had a 'much cooler accent', and anyway the Civil War was fought for black people, not house elves.
NonBritish!Harry shrugged and ate his hotdog. Dobby popped away.
Harry was astounded that Dobby could be so smart.
Silence ensured again.
The, finally, after a long wait they only had one minute left, Super!Harry got up and thanked Harry for his involvement.
"It wasn't my choice you know," Harry informed him moodily, "I don't exactly like how any of you turned out."
"Meh," said Veela!Harry, "don't worry, we find you pretty boring."
"Thanks," said Harry dryly.
Gay!Harry turned to him, "If Eddie ever comes wandering into your world call me, yeah?"
Harry glared at him, "no!"
"You want him all to yourself!"
"Sure, sure…" and Gay!Harry sulked in the corner.
Just then Werewolf!Harry got creakily to his feet, preparing to leave, when NonBritish!Harry exclaimed loudly –
"Dude, where's your scar?"
Werewolf!Harry felt his forehead, "Ah, shit! That's what she took!"
Then they suddenly puffed away again into clouds of blue smoke, never to be seen by Harry again.
Any chance for a review.....?
I knew you'd warm up to me.