Thank you guys for checking out my first fanfic! Please R&R!
I've just started to go through and edit URoad from the beginning, so hopefully you won't find to many errors.
Disclaimer: All things belong to the goddess that is SM.
Trying to make sense out of all this, I'm pacing the floor in my room once again. I'm shocked I haven't worn a hole in the fucking carpet, seeing as that's all I've done for the last month. The whole situation is starting to take a toll on my sanity.
I've really tried to be understanding. After all, that's who I am. Right? Shit, I don't even know who I am anymore.Fucking Edward & Alice are always making my decisions for me. Maybe, I should have left his ass in Italy. Probably wouldn't have made much of a difference. This all seemed to begin shortly after we got back. It's only been a month since I've put it all together, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been going on longer. Really, I don't care how long or even that it's happening. What bothers me is the lies & betrayal. I mean, why did Alice even come back for me? Surely I'm not the only one who could have saved the prodigal fucking son.
I never have understood why people can't remain faithful. Is it really that hard to be monogamous? How hard could it be to say 'I'm not longer happy', 'this isn't working out', or even a shitty 'it's not you it's me'. In this case God knows that's the truth. I've come to the conclusion that I was never the one not worthy of our relationship. Once I took the time out to look at the bigger picture, I realized Edward played on my weaknesses. He made me feel unworthy, but I've realized no matter how long he's been alive or how long he lives, he's just a 17 year old boy and he has self doubt of his own. Sure, he has a lot of knowledge, but that doesn't change the truth of the matter. Thinking about it now, I can't believe I let him have all that control over me. I should have ended it a long time ago.
I will always love Edward, he was my first love, although, I know he's never going to change me. The older I get the more we will grow apart. I want to believe Edward loves me; but if he did, he wouldn't have left the first time. I can't help but wonder about Alice. How could she do this to Jasper? I am pretty sure they said vampires mate for life. I wonder if he knows. Lately, he's been questioning my emotions. I always tell him something along the lines of 'I'm fine' and give him a look that says 'shut the fuck up'. It works for a few days, but then he's back to questioning me. If I wanted to talk to someone about it, it wouldn't be Jasper Hale. Ever since the Cullen's came back he's been even more distant. Besides, I'm sure it's only a matter of time until he finds out.
I'm trying not to let the past effect how I feel now; but how can I not? The Cullen's come into my life, put me on a damn pedestal, and knock me down...over and over again. My move to Forks was supposed to be fucking simple, but it's been chaotic, pleasurable, miserable, and...Anything but simple! Ever since the day you laid eyes on Holier than thou Cullen.
I'm sure my dad hates me; I haven't spent any time with him. The time I did spend was when I was catatonic and then the second my 'family' comes back, I ditch him. I don't want to resent the rest of the Cullen's, but everything always revolves around Edward and his decisions. Carlisle has made that painfully clear. I'm surprised none of the other 'children' have complained. Surely, they've noticed. I've asked to be changed, but no one will do it. Edward doesn't want it and no one will back me up. Every time we talk about it Edward says he will do it, but on his terms. I'm tired of Edward and his damn stipulations. When they left me, not one of them said goodbye. They left me here and then come back, like nothing even happened. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I let them off to easy, however, it most certainly isn't my fault that my boyfriend made the decision to screw around with his 'sister'. Fucking sick! They may not be blood, but Christ! They've pretended to be siblings for decades!
Even if I put aside all the Cullen's did in the past, I still can't believe that not one of them knows what's been going on. Alice and Edward obviously aren't doing a great job at hiding it, especially if I know. I can't help but think, even if they did know, they would deny it. Edward and Alice can do no wrong. They are the pride and joy of that family. Maybe that's why; they know the current dangers and still haven't changed me. They know Victoria and the Volturi could come back at any rather play the fucking waiting game with my life and not bet against Alice.
I know it sounds like I'm just complaining, but that's not it at all. I'm just trying to deal with the situation and the circumstances. I haven't been broken. I've been there once.If anything I'm stronger than I was before. This whole Edward, Alice situation has actually opened my eyes and frankly, I'm done with the Cullen's and all of their games.
I'm Bella fucking Swan and I'm taking my life back. What ever hold Edward had on me is broken. All the things I've said to him, now a lie. I'll be safe and I'll get what I want, with or without them. No more waiting. It's time for me to make my goddamn move.