This is a friendly parody of Pawn to Queen (PtQ) - a Snape/Hermione fic written by Riley in 2001-02. These Nutshell chapters were originally posted on WIKTT (When I Kissed The Teacher, the SS/HG Yahoo-group) in October-December 2001, for fun and fangirling. Riley read Nutshell and liked it.

This parody contains lots of spoilers, and it won't make sense if you haven't read PtQ.

Dedicated to Riley and all the characters who play in her brain.

[I solemnly swear that I'm up to no disrespect for the work of J.K. Rowling or Riley's PtQ. And I'm not making a Knut off this.]

PtQ in a Nutshell
The Condensed Version for Busy Witches
by Minerva McTabby


Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor apiece - and, I think, a detention for Miss Granger.

Herm: I can't believe this is happening.

Snape: Actually, you're the best student I've ever had, and I want you as my research assistant. I will now say a lot of unflattering but true things about Slytherin.

Herm: Now I really can't believe this is happening. You must be a double agent!

Snape: Prepare yourself for many, many more shocks as the story unfolds, Miss Granger...


[Multiple detentions later...]

Herm: I'm rather enjoying this research, plus I'm getting very good at verbally demolishing Slytherins. But my friends just don't understand me... Still, I'm going home for Christmas - nice, safe trip on the Hogwarts Express - what could possibly go wrong?

Snape: [brief rant about the fine art of being cruel to the right students] - Oh! I've been invited to a Death Eater party. What could possibly go right?


Lucius Malfoy: Welcome to my party. Help yourself to a Mudblood.

Herm: Of all the people to see me tied up naked... it just had to be Snape.

Snape: We're in deep shit. But wait - I have a brilliant idea!

Herm: I'd better play along, or it's 50 points from Gryffindor, right?

Snape: Look at me...

Herm: I want you, Professor Snape.

Snape: Merlin's balls! We're in deeper shit than I realized.


Herm: I'm feeling shocked, traumatized, and deeply embarrassed. I hate Lucius Malfoy. Hmm... Snape is really rather nice, not to mention skillful. And I desperately want to do that again, but I'm squicked.

Snape: I'm feeling guilty, tortured, and deeply embarrassed. I hate Lucius Malfoy. Hmm... Granger is really quite intelligent, not to mention nubile. And I desperately want to do that again, but I'm squicked.

Dumbledore: Sounds like you're made for each other. Off you go. Don't step in the phoenix droppings.


Herm: Permit me to cry in your arms in front of an open fire.

Snape: Permit me to explain this intriguing chess metaphor about personal growth.

Herm: I get it! And thank Merlin it wasn't an Exploding Snap metaphor...

Snape&Herm: Let's meet again soon and fight evil together.

Snape: By the way, beware of the house-elves.


Snape: Drugs. Cold shower. Now.


Herm: Food. Hot bath. Now.


Herm: Listen, guys, last night I was kidnapped by Lucius Malfoy and rescued by Snape.

Ginny: Flashbacks! I'm having flashbacks!

Harry: Voldemort, I'll get you for this.

Ron: That doesn't mean you like Snape now, does it?

Herm: Ummm....

[Shift to chambers of Severus Snape, author of "101 Things to Do in Bed With a Quetxal"]

Snape: I went to a Dark Revel last night... and I have horrible hair... and I hate myself. But I do have the world's coolest bathroom.

Esme: And the world'ssssss mosssssst tactile familiar. Damn thesssssse featherssssss...


Herm: Thanks for shadowing me everywhere for days, guys (not). This history of house-elves is fascinating! - a mixture of imps and djinn... and what's this about a missing grammar gene...

Ron: You really couldn't research the history of Quidditch instead? -And can we please get out of this library already?

Herm: And he still wonders why I don't want to date him.

[Christmas morning]

Herm: Wow, a Concealment Cloak! The perfect accessory for a Weasley sweater.

[...Christmas feast, Snape fix, mysterious catfight between Hogwarts teaching staff...]

Herm: Thanks for the Concealment Cloak, it's the best I've ever not seen. Let's have another warm meaningful hug.

[Readers: ...*sigh*...]

Snape: Permit me to be sarcastic to you - in a totally necessary, educational, and disturbingly sexy manner.

Herm: I can deal with that. Focus on the chess metaphor. I'll be back for more!

Snape: Oh, I may regret teaching you, that I truly might.

[Readers: No. No, you won't. Trust us. *snicker*]


Concealed Herm: Professor Snape?

Snape: They charged me 100 Galleons extra for that erotic whispering feature, but it was worth it.

Snape&Herm: [Repartee. Shared intellectual interests. Draco ferret jokes. Repartee.]

Snape: She's beautiful, and brilliant, and she reminds me of my mother...

Herm: His great-aunt Esmeralda the Transformer mutated the imp-djinn into house-elves! Wicked.

Snape&Herm: We're greatly enjoying ourselves in this part of the story, and send our compliments to the Author!


Snape: I have spoken sharply to the revolting Malfoy-spawn (thus getting rid of any rabid Draco/? shippers who were still with us). Now for the nicest thing I've ever done in a Potions class...

Herm: You're a Slytherin - and you're not an evil, snobbish Malfoy supporter?!

Blaise: You're a Gryffindor - and you're not a relentlessly cheerful Quidditch groupie airhead?!

Herm&Blaise: Gifted witches have more fun!!! See you in the library.

[Shift to the Serpents' Den...]

Blaise: I'm rather attractive, ferociously intelligent, and Slytherin to the core. I know lots of curses and quite a bit about money. You'll be seeing plenty more of me. Now, why did Cousin Severus want me to meet that Gryffindor?

Teasdale Twins: Let's just walk into this scene and be incredibly cute... Hello, we're your lovely young confidants, what's the problem of the day? And we hate Draco too.

[Readers: Love those twins! They're so damn cute.]


[Slytherins and Gryffindors start hanging out in the library.]

Herm: I never thought I'd say this, but thank Merlin for Quidditch!

Blaise: Couldn't agree more. On with the nerd-witch chat.

[Shift to Snape's dungeon chambers...]

Snape: In a touching display of trust, I'm introducing you to my familiar.

Herm: Merlin's earwax! That's the second-weirdest thing I've ever seen.

Esme: What did you ekssssssspect - a Blasssssst-Ended Sssssskrewt?

[Readers: Now we *all* want a talking feather boa...]


[Slytherins and Gryffindors continue hanging out in the library.]

Harry&Ron&Ginny&Catlin&Florian: Quaffle.... Cannons... Keeper... Beater... Firebolt... Snitch... Bludger... Seeker... Chaser... Quidditch... Quidditch... Quidditch...

Herm: To my vast relief, Ron is falling for a nice Quidditch girl. Meanwhile, I'm off to give a quetxal some roller-skates. Everyone who thinks my life is more interesting than Ron's, clap your hands.

[Readers: *wild applause*]

Snape: I care about you, and I really hated Harry's father.

Herm: I'm gratified, confused, and strangely aroused.

Roller Esme: [*crash*] Thissssss issssss ekssssssellent! [*crash*]


Herm: All is well - Ron is giving Catlin a Valentine, and while happy couples go to Hogsmeade I'll spend the whole day in the lab. What could possibly go wrong?

Snape: Potter! Twenty points from Gryffindor for unseemly public behavior - and for introducing a mushy H/G ship into this Snapefic.

Herm: ???


Ron: Hermione's acting peculiar. And I still hate Snape.

Ginny&Harry: Oh shut up, Ron!

[Readers: Yes, you're not winning any new fans here!]

[Later that day, in Hogsmeade...]

Blaise&Florian&Ginny&Harry&Catlin&Ron: ...Paganism... Quidditch... Money... Lust...

Cho Chang: Hello Potter - the Boy Who Killed Cedric! Hanging out with the Dark Side again?

Harry: [*severe angst*]

Florian&Ginny&Catlin&Ron: ??? !!!

Blaise: [***ProtectionMode***] That's got rid of her.

Florian&Ginny&Harry&Catlin&Ron: How did you do that?

Blaise: Combination of magic, hormones, and chutzpah. Long story.

[Meanwhile, back in the dungeons...]

Herm: I've just started a confrontation by mentioning Harry Potter.

Snape: And I've just explained about Lily Evans, latent strega.

Herm: She could have killed Voldemort?!

Snape: Sexist Gryffindors... damn Quidditch jocks... Ginny and Potter... [*flashbacks*] [*angst*]

Herm: Severus...

Snape: Strega.

Herm: He kissed my hand!

[Readers: He kissed her hand!!!! *gasp* *swoon* *thud!*]

[Roller Esme: Jusssssst ssssssnog already, Sssssseverusssss....]


Blaise: Cunning plan in place! If anybody says one more word about Harry and the Dark...

Cho Chang: One more word about Harry and the Dark.

Harry: Would all of you like to know the truth?

Blaise&Herm&Ron&Flor&Cat&Ginny: Witches and wizards of Hogwarts! Please sit back, relax, and take in the Slyffindor Seven's spectacular multimedia presentation of...



* See Potter. *
* See Diggory. *
* Potter and Diggory are friends. *

* See Voldemort. See Wormtail. *
* See Wormtail kill. *
* Die, Diggory, die! *
* Bad Voldemort. *

* Potter can duel. *
* See Potter duel. *
* See Diggory the Friendly Ghost. *
* Run, Potter, run! *


[Amidst general rejoicing and inter-house bonding...]

Herm: Oh no! I forgot about the chess metaphor! What have I done?

Draco Malfoy: No names. Nice work. Permit me to tickle a randomly-selected erogenous zone and insinuate vilely. Thanks. Ciao!

Herm: That's so weird... For a moment there I could have sworn he was wearing... leather pants... [*slaps herself*] Stop that! Wrong fic!


Concealed Herm: Professor Snape?

Snape: Oh do come in, Miss Granger - I wasn't busy at all - I was just KISSING MY ASS GOODBYE!!!

Herm: But -

Snape: [*snarly mode*]

Herm: Malfoy thought it was cool.

Snape: [*gobsmacked mode*]

Herm: Edited memories, no names, all a good Dark plot, OK?

Snape: [*guilty mode*]

Herm: Someone really ought to sit on your lap and be nice to you.

[Readers: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!.....]

Snape: [*exhausted mode*]

Herm: Guess what - Malfoy found one of my erogenous zones - I seem to have a surprising number of them these days...

Snape: [*jealous mode*]

Herm: ...and it felt rather good. Any ideas?

Snape: [*manual mode*]

Herm: That's the spot! Oh, yes!

Snape: [*cautiously passionate mode*]

Herm: According to "Hogwarts, a History" pp. 762-79, this thumb-licking technique was first tried by Rowena Ravenclaw on Salazar Slytherin. Effective, isn't it?

Snape: [*remorseful mode*]

[Readers: Noooooo! Don't change modes NOW! Aaargh! DAMN.]

Snape: [*serious mode*]

Herm: No one's ever kept my hair in crystal before. I'm not sure if that's romantic or a bit paranoid... but I like it!

Snape: [*sad and lonely mode*]

[stray Boggart emerges from cupboard, takes one look at Snape and flees, shrieking]

Esme: That wassssss a lot of modessssss tonight, Sssssseverussssss.

Snape: Part of being the multifaceted, dark, mysterious, slightly dangerous and fascinating central character no good psychfic can do without. It's in my contract.

[Next evening, after dinner...]

Snape: I'm off to see the Dark Lord. Don't wait up... unless, that is, you have strong feelings for me and a strange premonition of trouble.


[Severus Snape Apparates into a Malfoy cellar.]

Snape: Merlin's spit. I *hate* these Death Eater performance reviews. Oh well, let's get it over with...

Voldemort: Come forward, my Death Eater. What'll it be?

Snape: Er, just the usual, thanks - my Lord.

Voldemort: Ah - sadistic mind games and verbal humiliation. How's that?

Snape: Great, your You-Know-Whoness! I'm scared sick and all yours. Really.

Voldemort: Somehow, I'm not convinced... Severus, you have a bad attitude. And what happens to Death Eaters with a bad attitude? Hmmm?

Malfoy&Parkinson&Avery: They get a jolly good cursing, my Lord!

Voldemort: That's right! Severus, bend over. Crucio!

Snape: Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!

Voldemort: Somebody get me a margarita while we wait. A large, evil one.

[After a ghastly interval...]

Voldemort: You have such pretty hands, Severus. Lovely long fingers. Are you sure you're not part-Grindylow?

Snape: Aaah... err.. no, just a trace of Boggart blood, on my mother's side...

Voldemort: Yes, it would be a shame if anything happened to these hands... Ooops. Something just did.

Malfoy&Parkinson&Avery: [*evil sycophantic sniggering*]

Voldemort: Severus, work on that attitude. Patricia, Jeremiah - work on Severus. Lucius - you're with me, it's sushi bar night. Ciao!

Parkinson&Avery: So how about it? Power of pleasure demo? Pleeeeaaase...

Snape: You can't be serious - oh, Merlin's barf, all right then! But I'd like to make it clear that I feel like shit, I'd rather do it with a Dementor, and I will definitely not respect either of you in the morning.


Oprah: Drama in the dungeons: today's story is all about strong emotions, razors, and intrepid quetxals. For the first time on TV - Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts, here to talk about Chapter 18 of Riley's PtQ.

[Professor Snape strides out on stage, black robes billowing. Wild applause from the audience. Cheers and wolf-whistles from large group in the front rows, all wearing "SLYTHERINSIDE" t-shirts.]

Oprah: So, Severus, this must have been a really tough chapter for you. Were you nervous at all?

Snape: It was challenging, certainly. Still, I felt I'd done well with the angst in Chapter 5 - and it was quite a relief to get through Chapter 17 - so I did feel reasonably confident going into this one.

Oprah: Was there a lot of pain involved?

Snape: [*sneer*] You might consider inviting Voldemort on the show next time, and personally sampling the Cruciatus Curse.

Oprah: Er, right... Moving on to the bath scene - what did that feel like?

Snape: Intense, very intense. Shock, self-disgust, guilt - and that bloody Dark Mark engraved on my arm - well, I got rather carried away there -

Oprah: So when you picked up the razor, you weren't really trying to kill yourself, were you?

Snape: No, I was just out of my skull on post-Cruciatus effects and did something incredibly stupid.

Oprah: Which left you lying in the bath bleeding to death.

Snape: That just about sums it up, yes.

Oprah: [to the audience] We did try to get hold of Riley for this show - but she's busy writing the next chapters, and said something about "RL" -

Audience: Ohhhhhh....

Oprah: - so please welcome our next two guests today - Hermione Granger and Esme the quetxal!

[More wild applause as Hermione walks out and sits down next to Snape. Esme skates out gracefully and arranges herself on a chaise-longue. The Slytherinsiders are now stamping their feet and chanting "Esme rocks!"]

Oprah: Esme, you're the heroine of this chapter, no doubt about that. How was it for you?

Esme: Sssssstressssssful. But I'd do anything for Sssssseverussssss.

Oprah: And the question on everyone's lips - how did you get up the stairs of Gryffindor tower?

Esme: Ssssssimple. I bit down on Crookshankssssss' tail and he pulled me up the sssssstairssssss - the Fat Lady wassssss laughing sssssso hard, she let ussssss in sssssstraight away.

Oprah: Incredible. And Hermione - you took the news well, I thought - no panic. Now you're rushing down to the dungeons - tough moment, lots of pressure - how are you handling it?

Hermione: Well, I was pretty shaken up by Chapter 16, but I'm okay now - I mean, I'm really focused and feeling ready for whatever happens next.

Oprah: That's quite a cliffhanger there. Do you think you'll save Severus?

Hermione: [*smile*] It's all up to Riley, of course. But I'm certainly looking forward to the next chapter.

Oprah: Aren't we all! Thanks for joining us here today, and good luck!

[Hermione and Snape hold hands. Audience cheers. Fade out.]

[As Esme races to Gryffindor Tower...]

Filch: What the skrewt was THAT?!

Mrs Norris: (???)

Filch: Sort of like a snake... on wheels... on Canary Creams...

Mrs Norris: (Bird fantasy. Mixed with basilisk flashback. Not good.)

Filch: I gotta stop snorting that stuff Peeves sells.

Mrs Norris: (No more catnip. Not tonight. Not ever again.)


To the tune of "Summer Nights" from GREASE.

[with Snape as Danny, Hermione as Sandy, Esme singing the T-Birds, and Crookshanks as the Pink Ladies]

Snape: Hurt 'n' Comfort - I nearly died
Herm: Hurt 'n' Comfort - ran to his side

Snape: I cut a vein (careless of me)
Herm: Found a Snape, pale as could be

Herm&Snape: Cruci-o, bad way to go - ah, oh - Saving Severus!

Esme: Wella-Wella-Wella-UH
Tell me more, Tell me more
aren't you glad I can roll?

Crookshanks: Tell me more, Tell me more
did you just take control?

Crookshanks: Uh-Uh
Esme: Doo-Doo
Crookshanks: Uh-Uh
Esme: Doo-Doo
Crookshanks: Uh-Uh
Esme: Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo

Snape: Sanguination - total success
Herm: Levitation in a state of undress

Snape: I woke in bed, feeling quite sore
Herm: Fifty points for Gryffindor?

Herm&Snape: Lucky Snape, narrow escape - ah, oh - Saving Severus!

Crookshanks: Wella-Wella-Wella-UH
Tell me more, Tell me more
is he really all right?

Esme: Tell me more, Tell me more
issssss sssssshe sssssstaying the night?

Crookshanks: Dum doobie doo doobie doo doobie doobie doobie dum
Esme: Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh Uh

Snape: What a feeling - hands on my spine
Herm: Kind of healing he couldn't decline

Snape: Spilled my guts - talking at last
Herm: Slightly nuts - man with a past

Herm&Snape: Getting deep, pause for a sleep - ah, oh - Saving Severuuuuus!

Esme&Crookshanks: WOH-WOH-WOH

Esme: Tell me more, Tell me more
think I jusssssst ssssshed a tear

Crookshanks: Tell me more, Tell me more
where's the cat food 'round here?

Esme&Crookshanks: Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop YAH

Herm: I got busy uncursing his hand
Snape: My reaction was entirely unplanned

Herm: Clever me, I invented a spell
Snape: Merlin's balls! it worked really well

Herm&Snape: Nicely done (and it was fun) - ah, oh - Saving Severuuuuus!

Esme&Crookshanks: WOH WOH WOH

Crookshanks: Tell me more, Tell me more
hey, I've slept like a log

Esme: Tell me more, Tell me more
will you two ever ssssssnog?!

Herm: I turned bolder, moving a square
Snape: So I told her as much as I dare

Herm: Made him blush - strega knows how
Snape: Wonder what I'll call her now?

Herm&Snape: Slytherin, under the skin - That's

Everyone: OH

Herm&Snape: Saved Se-e-ve-ruuuuuuuus....!

Esme&Crookshanks&Readers: Tell me more, Tell me MOOOOOOOOORE.....!

[end singing]

Herm: Severus, why are you smiling like that?

Snape: Just remembering that the Dark Lord promised to do BOTH my hands next time. *VBEG*

(in between chapters)

[A gathering somewhere in the PtQ universe...]

Snape: We, the characters of PtQ, are filing a workers' compensation lawsuit.

Blaise: Right! We're all suffering from fic-related stress here.

Ron: We're mad as hell and we ain't gonna take it any more!

Everyone: Shut up, Ron! [*all hex him*]

Herm: Whom shall we sue first?

Crookshanks: Riley. She got us into this! And she shows no sign of stopping.

Draco: And she's refused to make me a nice guy, like in all the trendy fics.

Snape: What about her betas?

Herm: Oh yes, definitely. For prolonging the agony.

Readers: Say "Oh yes" again, Hermione! Go on, say it... pleeeeease?

Snape: We're certainly suing the readers! I have a constant sense of their expectations hovering around me, like a cloud... especially around certain parts of me... most distracting. And stressful.

Herm: [interested] Which parts of you, Severus?

Readers: His hands!!!!!! [*wave of giggles across the Internet*]

Dobby&Wimpy: We is wanting sue Esmeralda the Transformer!

Snape: Just shut up, both of you, and serve the cocktails! And not another word out of you till you have your verbs right.

Esme: That parodisssssst getssssss it too.

Voldemort: [*nodding grimly*] We'll get them all. They'll be sorry they ever messed with our heads.

Harry: Aaargh! What's *he* doing here? My scar hurts!

Ginny: Sssshh, Harry dearest, this is an equal opportunity lawsuit. Don't worry about Voldie. Let's snog.

Florian: [*grabbing Blaise*] Great idea! Let's all snog!

Catlin: [*unhexing Ron*] Pucker up, my hopelessly immature sweetie!

Esme: What'ssssss new, pusssssssycat? Come over and sssshare my basssssket...

Voldemort: [*grabbing Draco*] Damn, I never could resist leather pants...

Herm: Well, Severus... there's only you and me not snogging.

Snape: Looks like it. Should we...?

Herm: But you know what happens whenever we get anywhere near snogging...

Snape: Right. There's a crisis, or one of us has a squick attack... or the chapter ends.

Herm: That's another reason for this lawsuit! Going without snogging for this long is very stressful indeed.

Snape: Come here.

Herm: Oh, yes...

Riley: [*running in*] Okay, everyone - back to work! New chapters coming up!

Readers: Yaaaaaay Riley!

Snape&Herm: $#&$&%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!