A/n: This story is written for lovely Trasan for her prompt at Summer of Sam love – fic exchange 2009
Her prompt was : When John tells Sam, "If you'd killed that damn thing when you had the chance, none of this would have happened."
"It was possessing you, Dad. It would have killed you, too."
"Yeah, and your brother would be awake right now."
This was one of those defining moments for Sam, so his thoughts after Dean recovers and John is dead, while he is struggling to also help Dean cope with the loss of their father.
Special thanks to Muffy and Abni for beta reading and bearing up with my whining and encouraging me throughout this. You guys are awesome :-)
I hope you like the story : - )
If I tell you
Will you listen?
Will you stay?
Will you be here forever?
Never go away?
~Within Temptation- Bittersweet~
Sam stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the first blow on the Impala. He was halfway back to Bobby's house when the sound of metal striking the glass hit him. Sam wondered whether he should turn back and talk to Dean or just leave his brother to let go of his anger and hurt. It was not exactly the method Sam would have chosen, but he was glad that Dean was using some method to let go of his feelings.
Sam closed his eyes and hugged himself as he felt his heart shattering with each of Dean's strikes. The Impala was their home, Dean's baby and pretty much the only solid thing they had in their life, and the knowledge that Dean was beating it up made Sam shiver.
Once the silence greeted him, Sam opened his eyes wearily. He hesitated for a moment, debating inside his head whether to go back or not. Sam thought that maybe he'd better check on his big brother, and made his way back to Dean. He stopped at a place where he could get a good glance at Dean without really reaching him. Sam wasn't sure whether his approach would be welcomed so he kept his distance.
Dean was sitting down on the ground with his back turned towards Sam, head bowed and shoulders slumped. Sam longed to go to his brother and reach out to him, to help Dean with his grief…. to reconnect with his brother.
Unfortunately Sam didn't know how to reach Dean this time. They were both grieving and hurting… and it seemed that somewhere along the line they had lost both their ground and their connection.
Sam bit his lower lip until he drew blood. The idea of going there and talking to Dean was tempting, but Sam chose not to. Heaving a long sigh Sam walked back to the house, trying to walk as quietly as possible, not giving his brother a chance to find out that he had been spying on him.
Sam slumped on the couch tiredly, a dull throbbing behind his temple. His ribs were healing slowly and he still got headaches sometimes. Thankfully not full-blown migraine type… but he had mild headaches here and there. Sam looked down at his hands.
His palms were blistered with red scars. He had applied burn gel one the blisters in the morning. Sam hoped that they wouldn't get infected as that was the last thing he wanted. Half of his work has been cut off because he couldn't use his hands much. The only thing he had done during the time spent at Bobby's was researching and reading - things he didn't miss out on because of the hands.
Sam scrubbed his eyes gently. He wasn't getting much of sleep on top everything. Most of the time he slept restlessly and managed only a few hours. His sleep was mostly disturbed by nightmares and therefore Sam opted not to sleep. Mostly they were dreams of dad being possessed, the accident and the events at the hospital. He'd just laid on the couch and decided to doze off for a while when Bobby came into the hall carrying some books.
"Hey… where's your brother?" Bobby asked as he placed the books on the table.
"Beating up the Impala," Sam said in a small voice, hitching at the word Impala.
"What?" Bobby asked, eye brows raised.
Sam heaved a sigh. "I think I pissed him off!" he said guiltily trying to avoid Bobby's eyes.
"How were you able to pissed Dean enough to beat up his car? You are not planning to go back to college, are you?" Bobby asked with a trace of uncertainty in his voice.
Sam's eyes widened. "God, no!" he breathed shakily. "I'm not planning to leave Bobby!"
"Then what did you say to make your brother lose himself like that?"
Sam bit his nails. "Just told him that I'm sorry I picked a fight with dad, and that what he said about dad and me is true."
"What did he say?" Bobby asked, his eyes narrowing.
"That what I'm doing now is too little, that it's too late to do what dad would have wanted… and I told him that I'm not all right and neither is he."
Bobby huffed, muttering under his breath. Sam cringed inwardly, thinking it was directed at him.
"Are you all right son?"
"Huh?" Sam blinked at Bobby who rolled his eyes.
" You are lying on the couch… any special reason?"
"No… no… I'm doing fine" Sam said, immediately sitting up.
"Rest up for awhile." Bobby grunted. "I'm going to talk to that brother of yours."
Sam sighed and sank back to the warmth of the couch. Burying his face on the throw pillow he closed his eyes hoping for a dreamless nap.
Dean mind had shut downed. He sat down; head bowed and shoulders slumped, fighting not to let the tears fall down. He felt angry… with Dad for the grief, the burden of guilt and what he had told him just before he died. How could he ask such a thing from him… Dean shuddered, hugging himself. Most of all, he felt angry with himself. The way he had been acting, the way he had been cutting Sam off.
Dean huffed angrily as he heard the footsteps. His little brother… Dean even felt pissed at him because the kid just did't know when to quit. By experience Dean knew that Sam wouldn't let go of it until he had given Sam a satisfactory answer to all his questions… but really he just felt too tired for that.
"I think I made myself clear that I don't want to talk, Sam."
"Maybe, boy, that's what you should be doing!" Bobby's gruff voice greeted him from behind. Dean was a little taken aback at Bobby's appearance.
"What are doing here, Bobby? Did Sam send you to talk with me…? If he did… its useless, cause it's not going to work."
He was rewarded with a whack on his head and truthfully Dean didn't expect any less.
"Just for the record, Sam didn't send me. I came here to see why your brother is moping on my couch. You should talk to the kid, stop ignoring him and walking around in a damn shell."
"I don't want to talk to him," Dean said stubbornly.
"Well... I'll be damned… When did you stop giving a damn about the kid?"
"Since now!" Dean gritted his teeth. Sam had really rubbed off on Bobby, they were both becoming annoying.
"That car's gonna need new parts and I ain't got them lying around."
"I'll buy them!" Dean answered carelessly, willing Bobby to go.
"You know, son, when I towed that car back here, I told Sam it was useless and that we should sell it for scrap. But Sam wouldn't let me… he said that when you got better, you'd want to fix it. And that even if there was only one part working, that would be enough. He didn't give up on the car… or on you."
"Why are you telling me this?" Dean asked with a slight hitch in his voice,
"Because you shouldn't give up on him… you idjit… not now or who knows, it might soon be too little too late." Dean flinched at the chosen words. He wondered whether Sam had told Bobby or the older hunter just used it randomly. However it really hit home… hard. Bobby patted him on the shoulder and walked away.
Dean felt disconnected suddenly… more tired than usual. There were a huge gap between him and Sam from the day back at the cabin that they didn't talk about. Maybe he should talk with Sam… but the idea of talking about dad weighed him down. He was still not ready for it, and he had no idea when he'd really be ready.
This day would come so soon
We had no time to say goodbye
How can the world just carry on?
I feel so lost when you are not at my sight
But there's nothing but silence now
Around the one I loved
Is this our farewell?
~Within Temptation- our farewell~