"If you'd killed that damn thing when you had the chance, none of this would have happened."
"It was possessing you, Dad. It would have killed you, too."
"Yeah, and your brother would be awake right now."
Sam gasped as he woke up from his restless sleep. He looked at Dean who was still sleeping peacefully on the hospital bed. Bobby was asleep on the other chair next to them, in an uncomfortable position.
Sam pinched the bridge of his nose—his head was throbbing again. Sam knew if he didn't look out for himself he's going to end up sick again. Not that he felt better now, he was still pretty weak from the flu and was holding up purely on an adrenaline rush.
Sam had debated with himself countless time whether he should have killed the demon… It was really not an option, the demon was possessing dad and he would have killed his father along the way. 'But in the end he died…' a small voice inside his head reminded him. "No!" Sam whispered vehemently, shaking his head. The demon didn't come before everything. Not before his family no matter how his father had accused him. No matter what, he would never shot dad… he couldn't do that. Even the circumstances changed, if he had to shoot dad and save Dean from being in a coma, near death; he knew that Dean would never forgive him. He would be able to cope up with dad's death somehow… He'll survive, may be not hundred percent all right. But he'd survive which is how things are pretty much going right now. But Sam wasn't sure how much he could survive without Dean…or with Dean's hatred.
Sam replayed the scene again in his mind. Whatever scenarios he had thought would have happened, shooting dad would not have saved Dean, as the demon had already ripped Dean up pretty badly. It was not like killing demon would have made any difference. 'Dad was just finding place to put the blame on … and you as usual got the blunt of it' the voice inside told him. "He was just angry," Sam whispered, trying to convince the voice inside his head. The voice huffed back at him, 'Isn't he always?'
Sam chose not to comment back. Dad and he were always butting heads. Both too stubborn to think over other's case and Sam always demanded on things. He needed to know, he needed the knowledge so he could process things by himself. But now that dad was gone, Sam regretted most of their fights. Their last moment was heated with a fight and Sam regretted it.
'Do you really?' The persistent voice was back again. Sam glared. "Of course I do," he huffed loudly. 'No you don't…. You know that in a way dad saved Dean… Dean woke up and few minutes later dad died…. That's just not coincidence… you know that Dad did something while he was away so that Dean would be healed. You know that kind of miracles don't just happen'
"Shut up," Sam hissed angrily willing with all his heart for the voice to go away. He didn't want to hear it again. Sam was startled when Bobby's hand rested on his shoulders and called out to him.
"Sam, are you all right?"
Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm fine, Bobby."
Bobby's hands automatically went to his forehead, checking for fever. A gesture too familiar these days to him.
"I think your fever has risen. Sam, you should head back home and rest."
"I want to be here when Dean wakes up…. Please, Bobby… I need to be here. I can't stay there wondering what's going on here," Sam said, pulling puppy-dog eyes on Bobby.
The older hunter tried not to give in but Sam knew that it was a matter of minutes. "All right… Do you have your medications with you?"
"Yeah!" Sam gave a small grin, fishing out the pills from his breast pocket. "See!" He waved them in front of Bobby, who glared at him.
"I'm taking them, promise. I need some fresh air and a coffee," he said to Bobby. Sam stood up wearily and held on to the wall until he felt safe enough to be on his own two feet. He felt Bobby's eyes on him, measuring every step he took and for his part Sam really tried to keep him steady.
Sam dragged his tired body across the hallway to the canteen. He grabbed one of the coffees and frowned at the muddy-looking content. He took a careful sip and winced at the bitter taste. Sam placed the cover on and walked back to Dean's room.
Sam froze on the corridor suddenly as a wave of déjà vu hit him. Dad's coffee. The last thing that dad had asked him and he wasn't even able to give that to him. It never occurred to him before, not even when he was sipping the warm rich coffee back at Bobby's place. But now it hit him hard. In yet another hospital corridor, carrying a coffee cup. Sam fought back a sob. It was just a cup of coffee and Sam was not able to return it to his dad on time. Not even a simple request…. Sam felt the coffee cup slipping under his shaking fingers.
The next few moments seemed to be a blur to Sam. He felt hands grabbing hold of him as his knees buckled. Someone was talking to him, and it felt like it was coming from really far away. He felt himself being led away with strong hands around him… "Dean," Sam whispered at the general direction of the soothing voice, not really recognizing who it was. The voice kept on taking and someone else was prodding him…Sam thought that he saw Bobby at one time but he wasn't sure. He felt a prick on his hand and a sense of peace washed over him… He blinked as he was gently laid down. His movements felt sluggish and Sam started to feel dizzy. Once more Bobby's face greeted him, concern evident in older hunter's face.
"Go to sleep, Sam," the voice drifted out and Sam's eyes fluttered close, taking him into a dreamless drug-induced sleep.
Sam heard couple of voices as he slowly came to consciousness. He still didn't clearly understand who the voices belonged to. He opened his eyes, blinking sluggishly at the white ceiling above him. Sam frowned since Bobby's house didn't have white ceilings.
"He was unresponsive. The doctors had to sedate him" He heard a hiss from his left. 'Bobby!' Sam was finally able to recognize Bobby. He rolled his head to left. Bobby was standing few feet away from him with his back turned at Sam. He was surprised to see Dean sitting on a hospital bed behind Bobby. Sam tried to remember through the fuzzy maze of his head what had happened.
"Dean?!" Sam rasped out and tried to sit up quickly as the final bit of information processed on his head. Sam groaned and dropped back to the bed tiredly.
Bobby was immediately on his side, a hand pressed lightly on his chest.
"Hey, good to see you awake," Bobby said smiling tiredly at him. "How are you, son?"
Sam frowned. "Feel funny," he whispered, licking his dry lips. "Can I have something to drink?"
As soon as Bobby turned to get the water, Sam looked over at Dean who was pretty much examining him.
"Hey!" Sam said, smiling softly. "How are you?"
Dean frowned at him. "I should be asking you that, princess. You've been out for a couple of hours worrying both me and Bobby."
Sam rolled his eyes. "You're the one with a concussion." He gratefully accepted the water offered to him. Sam took a careful sip and sighed contentedly as the cold water soothed his throat.
"Hard head, remember?" Dean gave him a lopsided grin from the bed.
Sam snorted. "Yeah, yeah."
"How are you doing Sam?" Bobby asked, stifling a yawn. The older hunter looked tired and worn out.
" Feel kinda fuzzy… like being drugged," Sam said, rubbing his eyes.
"Well why don't you get some more rest. Don't want you to be sick again!" Bobby said softly.
"Bobby, go home and get some rest or maybe you'll end up here as well," Dean told Bobby, eyeing him. Sam knew that look well. It meant business and that they are going to have a serious discussion.
Sam swallowed thickly. This would give him an opportunity to talk with Dean alone. "Yeah, you should. We'll be fine by ourselves for awhile"
Bobby looked at Dean and then back at him as if he was trying to figure out what was going on. Finally giving in Bobby rubbed his face. "Sure, you boys call me if something happens." They nodded at Bobby.
With a final pat on both Sam and Dean's shoulders, Bobby walked outside the door leaving Sam and Dean alone.
There was an uncomfortable silence for awhile before Sam broke it.
"How are you really feeling Dean?"
Dean frowned. "Well I'm on happy juice so I'm really not feeling anything. But you are the one I'm worried about."
"Bobby told me you went blank on him… Sammy, what happened?"
Sam flinched slightly at the word 'Sammy' since it's being awhile. Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He looked at his hands unable to look straightly at Dean.
" It was too much…. The hospital… dad's dying… and now you hurt again. You are closing off Dean… I'm worried about you. I'm not sure how much I can take….." Sam voice trailed out and from the corner of his eyes, Sam saw Dean nodding but really not saying anything. His eyes fixed on somewhere far away.
"Dad asked for a coffee… I wasn't able to do a simple thing like that to him either. And the last time he was alive I picked up a fight with him…. I regret that… I really do" Sam emphasis on it as he wanted to convince the small voice back in his head that he really regretted it.
"Sometimes I wonder… whether dad really knew I loved him…. After all he asked me to kill him" Sam said softly… looking at Dean for reassurance.
Dean flinched at that and there were emotions in Dean's face that Sam really wasn't able to place. But it was there for around a minute and Dean immediately shut down, pulling up the barriers.
"Dean?" he asked worriedly. His brother had closed off look in his face and Sam definitely knew that he said the wrong thing. Sam mentally kicked himself for telling it but now there's no going back.
"You know what… dad's a real ass. You don't ask that kind of shit from your children…" Dean said with a hiss and he reached for the controller to move the bed down. He turned his back on Sam.
Sam tried to bit back the tears. Once Dean was closed off it wasn't really that easy to open him up.
"Get some rest, Sammy" Dean said in a soft… in a soothing voice that surprised Sam.
Sam bit his lower lip and turned his face to the pillow. Tears poured out even before he could really stop them.
Was Much To Hide
Our Grief Just Made Us All Go On
We Try To Hide What We Fear Inside
~Within Temptation- Forsaken
A/N: Trasan, I really hope you will like the story : -) It was a lovely plot that had so much potential on working… and thanks a lot for the patience and encouragement you gave to me *huge huge hug* If I could find more time, I'll see what I can do to fix the boys (may be a sequel?) I'm still not sure though.
Please drop a review if you have time :-)