Based on art by Jigglykat ( jigglykat dot livejournal dot com)

Art at bit dot ly slash y8qo6

"Hide here, he says." Martha rolled her eyes as the others busted out laughing. "And all you can hear above our heads is squeaky, squeaky squeaky, squeek. Well, that was AFTER the spanking, and "who's the King of England?" and the mattress is right in my face, and I'm glaring at him like… why are we under this bed? Later on, after we'd destroyed half the place, he's going on about how he didn't know what was going on there."

Sarah Jane spilled wine on her freshly painted toenails, she was laughing so hard. She had to stop braiding Rose's hair long enough to wipe it away. "Oh he's never had the slightest clue about what goes on between men and women after a few drinks. It's a shock to him every time!"

Donna Noble raised a finger up to God. "Except for the one time when it was shag or die!"

Rose slapped her forehead. "Oh I pity you. I've had a 'shag or die."

"We almost died," both women declared in pained unison to the group.

Martha sighed. "I'd have KILLED for a shag or die! This is, of course, when I had a crush on him."

One of the other women shifted, getting closer toward the middle of the gaggle. "All bones, no meat. You need someone like Mr. Harkness," Donna chuckled saucily, making an obscene gesture involving bottoms. "More cushin' for the pushin', you know what I'm sayin'? But you're better off without twig-man."

With her wine glass in hand, Rose gestured casually to Martha. "Not your fault. I think Jack says it best–you'd have to be dead not to have some sort of attraction."

"I've never had no… infatuation with the alien boy!" Donna declared one hand thrown up in the air in indignation.

Sarah Jane shook her head and reached over for the wine bottle. "It's Ok to admit it. But hush now, this is my favorite part." She pushed a button on the monitor on the console and the sound went up.

OH yes, oh yes… oh yes…

I'll have what she's having.

The women laughed.

Rose looked away absently. "Always gets me."

"If I may interject with my superior wisdom," Sarah Jane offered jokingly. "They all think every orgasm's real."

"Oh god," Donna moaned. "Then Earth men are just as stupid as alien men."

A collective gasp arose from the group.

"What? You don't think me and him…" She shook her head. "I'm just sayin'. He's an idiot sometimes. A great big dumbo, I told him."

Rose breathed a sigh of relief. "Scare me half to death that I'd been going at the whole throwing myself thing at him wrong! Cos if all you have to do is NOT want to shag him, in order to shag him…" she shook her head. "I'd just give up. I'd give up and go back to the other universe. I'd find me a nice Jewish boy who likes to cook, and that'd be the end of it."

Martha and Donna looked at each other and laughed.

"What?" Rose took the bottle from Sarah Jane and poured herself another glass.

Laughing, Martha finally spoke up. "Ta hell with someone who likes to cook, we want Jack!"

Both women stopped laughing when they saw Rose staring at Sarah Jane. "Spill," they ordered.

The older woman looked wistfully toward the lights in the ceiling. "I'll only say that the man is at peak physical perfection and understands all the many things that the Doctor does not about life, the universe, and the needs of a woman over fifty."

Donna began choking and a second later, red wine spurted out her nose.

Even Rose let out a little cough. "Oh my god. You've gone where none of us have gone before."

"Speak for yourself, blondie," Martha said proudly.

"No," Rose declared, incredulous.

Martha blushed. "Ok, so it was just a really great feel-up. Most action I'd had in a year, by the time we got rid of the Master. It was practically sex by that point."

Rose shook her head in disgust. "Argh. You know, I haven't had sex since I broke it off with Mickey? Three years ago? I'm a monk! A girl's got needs and the Doctor's got…"

"No clue," the other three volunteered in unison. Laughter ensued.

Somewhere in the distance, there was a rapping at the TARDIS' main door. "Guys?"

The ladies began laughing again.

"Gals Girls? Birds? Ladies?" the muffled voice on the other side begged. "It's not funny. You might have thought it was funny. But it's not. Just so you know."

Rose pulled her legs under her, preparing to get up. Martha put a hand on her shoulder. "Oh leave him be. He'll be there in the morning."

"But I feel bad," the younger girl laughed. "Well, not about him being locked out. I feel bad about not feeling bad. How's that?"

"It's still not funny!" a male voice howled from beyond the doors.

Sarah Jane put down her glass and cupped her hands around her mouth. "We can't open it!" she declared, as if it had been said a thousand times before.

"It's not even our fault," Donna loudly reiterated yet again. "If the TARDIS wants a girl's night in, the TARDIS gets a girl's night in."

"There's a pub down the street," Martha shouted apologetically. Wincing, she grinned and shrugged, wondering what the hell else one can say in such a situation. He was lucky there was a pub down the street–they could have been on the surface of Mars.

Rose looked up from her empty glass. "Don't come back till you're drunk and horny!" she called out, slapping her hands over her mouth and turning red the moment she'd said it.

"Why's the TARDIS mad?" the Doctor called out through the wood door like a simplistic child.

"Never mind!" Rose shouted. "My previous statement stands for the record! Drunk and horny! Now go on!" She waved her hand in an inebriated dismissal.

Sarah Jane chuckled and poured the frustrated woman another drink. "Or just tell him to send Jack in his place," she whispered.