A/N: I had this plot bunny jump at me, claws raised, so I hit it with my frying pan and decided to get cooking. Credit for a good portion of this goes to my friend, Marmee Noir, as she helped me write it.
Summary: Megatron decided to harass Sam with IM's, he didn't expect for Sam to harass back. Humor with a tiny dash of plot (maybe). There will be oocness.
Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers.
Samuel James Witwicky was having a very good day. He had managed to get an A in Astronomy despite the professor's reluctance to give him the grade he deserved. He did deserve it though, because he had the textbook memorized thanks to the allspark. Alien technology was wonderful for getting perfect grades, especially since the side-effect of being all-knowing didn't wear off. Running his hand over Bee's steering wheel in goodbye, he walked into his house (which he was staying at for the summer) and up to his room. He sat down at his desk, turned on his laptop, and got ready to start IMing Mikaela before he noticed he had some messages waiting.
BBM: 'I'm coming to make you my pet, boy.'
BBM: 'That, or I'll strip the flesh from your bones, depends on how we meet up again.'
BBM: 'How have you fleshlings managed to survive this long? You smash so easily.'
Ladiesman217: 'Who are you? Wait…pet, stripping flesh, fleshlings, and smashing…Megatron?!'
Sam didn't know why he had even bothered replying. Maybe it was because he didn't want to bother keeping up the appearance that he /wasn't/ dating his car by messaging Mikaela? She had dumped him, so he had gotten with Bumblebee. His parents didn't care as long as he was protected and not distracted from school. Plus, this was entertainment.
Ladiesman217: 'You're not going to deny it?'
BBM: 'I prefer the direct approach. Take getting past puny humans, I don't bother avoiding them; they move or they get squashed.'
BBM: 'Have you ever had a human shove an incredible power into your chest so you would be overwhelmed and die? If not I can show you, I have claws and you have a heart I can rip out.'
Ladiesman217: 'Incredible power?'
BBM: 'The allspark, I /hate/ that word right now. You forced me to commit patricide!'
Ladiesman217: 'You wanted to force your mommy/daddy to make the world submit to you; couldn't do it on your own?'
BBM: 'I did that to smite it for creating the autobots. No other reason.'
Ladiesman217: 'Whatever you say, Momma's boy'
BBM: 'It is surprisingly easy to pull off strips of a human's skin and choke them with the pieces. You want me to show you?'
Ladiesman217: 'No… I'm bored...'
BBM: 'I can make you a wanted criminal again. I'm sure running from mobs would be fun. I could even send Starscream to join the chase; he's getting annoying and I can't kill him yet.'
Ladiesman217: 'Who decided to give him the name Stars Cream?'
BBM: 'I was bored and needed some humor.'
BBM: 'He /still/ wonders why we all laugh when we hear his name.
Ladiesman217: 'If you keep harassing me I'm going to tell Optimus on you.'
BBM: 'Like I'm afraid of that fragging pile of scrap metal? I killed him once, I can do it again.'
Ladiesman217: 'Would you mind taking Wheelie back?'
BBM: 'No, he kept humping my leg.'
BBM: 'Useless. Didn't even know how to initiate a sparking like a proper Cybertronian. Acting like you filthy fleshbags...'
Ladiesman217: 'You're just jealous cause you're not getting any'
BBM: 'That's only because I refuse to spark-bond myself with a weakling. You fleshbags reproduce like that annoying furry creature that hops everywhere. We have rules.'
BBM: 'Don't mate like humans.'
Ladiesman217: 'Sooo, does that mean you're still jealous? I'm sure there's a robot out there for you. I mean, there's--'
BBM: 'If you suggest that aft Optimus, I will skin you alive and use your hide for a new carpet.'
Ladiesman217: 'You were the one who thought of Optimus the minute I mentioned a robot for you'
Ladiesman217: 'what does that tell you?'
BBM: 'He's the only one with power to match mine, that's all.'
Ladiesman217: 'So you admit he's your equal?'
Ladiesman217: 'Suuure. Whatever makes you recharge at night'
BBM: 'I shall send Wheelie's twin to you. Have fun.'
Ladiesman217: 'Asshole, still say you're jealous.'
BBM HAS PLACED LADIESMAN217 ON IGNORE
Ladiesman217: 'Now there is a crater in my room and a robot humping my dog. You're sadistic, you know that?'
Ladieman217: 'Damnit! I am going to rant at you when you come back!'
OnlyBee4U: 'What is wrong Sam? I am sensing that your room has sustained damage.'
Ladiesman217: 'Nothing Bee, Megatron is just a jealous asshole who won't admit Optimus is better than him.'
Ladiesman217: 'He suffers from sexual frustration.'
OnlyBee4U: 'Sexual frustration?'
Ladiesman217: 'He hasn't had a sparking.'
OnlyBee4U: 'Understandable, he is an evil, wannabe overlord after all.'
Ladiesman217: 'Do you think Optimus feels lonely, being Prime and all?'
OnlyBee4U: 'Yes, but to him duty comes first.'
Ladiesman217: 'His duty to himself is to have a sparking with Megatron, then this war would end and he would get laid. It all works out.'
OnlyBee4U: 'I do not think Optimus would agree with that...'
Ladiesman217: 'He's just too shy to admit it.'
OnlyBee4U: 'He is the leader of the Autobots, he is not shy.'
Ladiesman217: 'Sure, whatever you say Bee.'
OnlyBee4U: 'Why do you wish for Optimus and Megatron to become spark-mates?'
Ladiesman217: 'Megatron won't stop harassing me until he gets rid of that frustration.'
OnlyBee4U: 'The sexual frustration?'
OnlyBee4U: 'Oh, I will talk with Optimus.'
OnlyBee4U: 'He had a system failure. Reboot is necessary. I will inform him again when he comes online.'
BBM: 'I have been reading your conversation. I am not impressed.'
BBM: 'Optimus had a system failure? Perhaps I should bring this up in our next battle, good diversion.'
Ladiesman217: 'You just don't want to admit that the idea intrigues you'
Ladiesman217: 'So you can jump his metal bones when he's down? Don't flirt during battle'
BBM: 'Jump his bones? yes, and smash them, and tear them...'
Ladiesman217: 'No, I meant jump his bones and start sparking away.'
BBM: 'Optimus being submissive? The aft brained fool is too stubborn for that...'
Ladiesman217: 'So you admit you will /attempt/ to jump his bones and spark him till he's spent? Then again, this /might/ be considered incest. You were all created by the same object…'
BBM: 'Incest?? (checking Internet) ... something amoral, forbidden, considered evil? That does have a certain attraction to it'
Ladiesman217: 'So you will do it?'
BBM: 'No. I'm supposed to be the one harassing you, correct?'
Ladiesman217: 'No, we're playing role reversal. So now you can get more time with Optimus by saving the world from me.'
BBM: 'Like your puny muscles (both brain and physical) would last long against even one of our hands.'
Ladiesman217: 'Will the other hands be busy messing with each other's sparks?'
Ladiesman217: 'Don't bite my head off. I'm just trying to be helpful here. All that stress can't be good for your circuits.'
BBM: 'My circuits are fine. I have taken Starscream's and switched them with mine.'
Ladiesman217: 'So now you're Starscream in Megatron's body?'
BBM: 'No, I still have the same spark, which will /never/ merge with Optimus'.'
Ladiesman217: 'Hey, you brought it up again. I knew you were into him!'
Ladiesman217: 'You're just in denial'
BBM: 'I am not in denial'
Ladiesman217: 'You are IMing me from Egypt, right? So you are in de-Nile'
BBM: 'I really hate you right now.'
Ladiesman217: 'You mean there was a time when you didn't?'
BBM: 'However, yes, I am in Egypt, the internet doesn't reach Cybertron.'
Ladiesman217: 'You just wanted to be closer to Optimus'
Ladiesman217: 'That's a good reason why you shouldn't destroy our planet and instead get your spark on with Optimus.'
BBM: 'Not this again!'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'Sam, why are you communicating with Megatron?'
Ladiesman217: 'I want him to spark with you.'
Ladiesman217: 'Did you have another system failure?'
BBM: 'What is up with that name, Prime? Think you're better than us?'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'Brother, what are your intentions?'
BBM: 'Don't try to distract me from my question'
Ladiesman217: 'He wants to spark with you'
BBM: 'I do not! I just wanted to harass him and threaten him with torture, but he keeps bringing this up! I think the allspark fried his circuits.'
Ladiesman217: 'I thought you hated that word?'
BBM: 'Not when it explains how the idea of me sparking with Optimus got in your head. You have to be crazy to think that.'
Ladiesman217: 'But you're crazy, so you should think that sparking Optimus is a good idea.'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'Do I not have any say in this, Sam?'
Ladiesman217: 'Sure you do, you can groan and moan as he's sparking you.'
BBM: 'I am not going to spark with him!'
Ladiesman217 : 'Methinks the robot doth protest too much'
BBM: 'Did you memorize another book with that over-fried brain of yours?'
BBM: 'Figures... If you start quoting from that sex manual again I /will/ take away your dog and make you Wheelie's twin's target.'
Ladiesman217: 'Don't. Mojo is having lots of fun with his new toy.'
Ladiesman217: 'Plus, I'm just giving you ideas on how to make your sparking with Optimus pleasurable.'
Ladiesman217: 'And don't forget safer-sparking'
Ladiesman217: 'It is important to take good care of your spark chamber.'
BBM: 'I am capable of creating pleasure on my own.'
Ladiesman217: 'Prove it.'
BBM: 'Prove it?'
Ladiesman217: 'spark with Optimus and I'll ask him if it was circuit-blowing afterwards.'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'Do I not get any say in this matter?'
Ladiesman217: 'Ignore him'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'I doubt it would be.'
Ladiesman217: 'Never know until you try. I can give pointers, Ratchet gave me a guide!'
Ladiesman217: 'It has pop-up pictures and coloring areas'
Ladiesman217: 'It's called "Guide to the Ultimate Sparking: A Giant Robot's handbook on Sex." It's really interesting.'
Ladiesman217: 'A hands-on approach to Sparking'
BBM: 'Pop-up pictures? Of whom?'
Ladiesman217: 'Ironhide and Ratchet going at it.'
Ladiesman217: 'and old pictures of Stars Cream'
Ladiesman217: 'titled 'how to pass the lonely hours'
Ladiesman217: 'Think of your favorite Prime and/or Lord High Protector and touch your spark--'
Ladiesman217: 'I thought it would help with the sexual frustration. Of course, just sparking each other would work too... I might stop then.'
BBM: 'If you do not stop this instance I will come and introduce you to my claws'
Ladiesman217: 'You're just anxious to see Optimus again'
BBM: 'No I'm not!'
Ladiesman217: 'You're just embarrassed. Here's another pointer : "There are several wires that when pinched are very pleasurable. They are located in the groin--"'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'Samuel James Witwicky, if you do not stop I will not allow Bumblebee to spark with you.'
Ladiesman217: 'We are already bonded, you can't do anything.'
BBM: 'You sparked with that overgrown insect?'
Ladiesman217: 'Yep, I have experience. I can tell you both what to do with or without this guide.'
OnlyBee4U: 'I do not wish for them to know our secrets, Sam.'
BBM: 'That's it? That's all it took for you to stop?!'
Ladiesman217: 'No, I just won't tell you Bee's pleasure spots, I still have the guide. Hey Optimus, you don't have a spark mate, so you haven't gotten your spark on either?'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'I have not initiated a sparking.'
Ladiesman217: 'Can't you see it's destiny?…Hey, that rhymed! Anyways, you're both innocent in this matter, you both could afford to get rid of that sexual frustration, and opposites attract! All four bases covered!'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'You only gave three reasons.'
Ladiesman217: 'When you experience the pleasure, then the addicted-to-spark base will be covered.'
BBM: 'You shouldn't have opened your aft-kissing mouth, Prime.'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'I killed your master, I can kill you.'
Ladiesman217: 'Master? So you're into bondage? I'm sure I can get some cables from the old Sector 7 headquarters!'
OnlyBee4U: 'Sam, we have those cables in the garage.'
Ladiesman217: 'Oh yeah!;
Ladiesman217: 'I'm gonna go to the garage. I'll be back later!'
LADIESMAN217 HAS GONE OFFLINE
Sam was definitely looking forward to his trip to the garage as he grabbed a pillow and a blanket to ward off the cold for when he slept in there after sparking with his Bee.
BBM: 'He's offlined? Yes!'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'No, he has merely left his computer.'
ThePrimeSpecimen: 'That is what you are using to IM Sam, correct? Or are you using your own system?'
BBM: 'No, I'm using Soundwave.'
BBM: 'No more distracting! What is the reason behind your username?!'
THEPRIMESPECIMEN HAS GONE OFFLINE
BBM: 'You slagging Prime!'
BBM HAS GONE OFFLINE
A/N: And that was the first chapter. This was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but I'm going to be adding chaps when I feel like it. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed my first attempt at humor. Remember, Marmee Noir gets credit too.