It's strange. I wrote this chapter ages ago and yet today when I decide to post it I find that my brother is in a fairly similar situation to L in this chapter. I don't know what to make of that. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter and sorry for the cliff-hanger.
L watched Light go, and after a while, followed. He knocked on the door. "Are you alright?" He asked, leaning against the wall beside the door. He noticed something on the bed, something shiny. He stepped forward and picked up the ring.
His heart sank, and his throat constricted. Then he frowned and moved back to the door. "Light, please, answer me." He was getting a little afraid now. Light either didn't want to get married, or didn't want to live...
A deathly silence lingered as L's cry had no response.
"Light. If you don't respond to me, I'm going to pick the lock on the door. I can and I will," L threatened. "And you know it."
L got no reply.
Cold fear gripped at L's heart as he pulled his credit card out of his pocket. He then moved it through the door, feeling the lock mechanism under his fingers. He heard a click and opened up the door...
Light was sprawled across the floor unconscious. He was barely breathing; the empty bottle of sedatives had fallen onto the floor beside his hand.
"Shit!" L rushed to Light's side, turning him slightly so that he was on his side. He pulled out his cell phone and called Watari. "Watari, call an ambulance and then meet me in my bathroom. Light has taken too many pills." He then hung up and shook Light. "Light, I need you to wake up, or I'm going to have to stick my fingers down your throat."
A soft sigh of a breath was released but there was no following inhale.
"Fuck," L growled, turning the male over and pushed down on his heart. Induced vomiting would have to wait; he needed to breathe to vomit. "Breathe," L said before leaning down and pressing his lips against Light's, trying to breathe into his lungs. He pulled back, "Breathe," he ordered.
Watari was in the room about ten minutes later with the ambulance officers following with their equipment.
"Help him, please!" L was shaking, tears falling from his trembling features. "He... He took pills..." He picked up the empty bottle and held it out to the medics. He was trembling even more now. "I- I don't know how many..."
"Thank you, that is a huge help," the medic replied and they immediately got to work on Light. Watari beckoned L over so he wouldn't be in the way as the medics finally stabilised Light and prepared him to be taken to the ambulance.
They took Light downstairs, with Watari and L following close behind and Watari allowed L to ride in the front of the ambulance saying that he would be following quickly.
L was curled in on himself, looking behind at Light. "Please be okay..." he whispered quietly, still trembling. Warm tears were cascading down his face.
As soon as they got there Light was immediately rushed inside one medic staying behind to question L.
"How long has Light been on sedatives for?"
"I- I don't know. I didn't think he was," L said distressed. "He was in hospital before, but I wasn't told of any medication he needed to take..."
"Why was he in hospital before?" The medic asked suspicious.
"Uh, head injury resulting in the need for some kind of surgery... It should be in the records..."
"Ok. Has he been showing signs of depression or has something happened recently that would account for this attempt?" The medic pressed. "I need to know so we can treat him."
"He- He hasn't been talking to any one recently... There- he was – he was sexually assaulted a few weeks ago..." L told them. "He- he refused to press charges..." He shook his head, "Is this because of that...?" he asked quietly.
"Possibly… Has he been under a lot of stress lately?" The medic asked gently.
L did nothing other than nod, looking nothing more than distressed and guilty.
"Ok so he will have to go into therapy after he is released but he will probably have to be in intensive care for a while," the medic said. "You can wait in the waiting room and someone will let you know when he is back in his room. He will probably have to have his stomach pumped."
L nodded. "Do whatever's needed. Just please... Please help him..." He was sobbing now, curled in on himself. "And- And you might need to call his parents..." He mumbled.
"Ok," was the calm response. "I know this is hard but because you were able to get to Light so quickly he should be ok."
L nodded, crying softly. "T-Thank you."
Just then Watari showed up and the medic excused himself.
"I was hoping that we wouldn't be back here quite so soon," Watari said gravely.
L nodded, pulling his knees closer. "This is my fault..." he said quietly. "This is all my fault. He's in there, probably dying because of me!"
"Well now is no time to blaming ourselves. Light needs our support now more than ever and if we're not there for him he may try it again and we may not be so lucky."
L nodded, pulling his legs close to him. He was sobbing now. "What do we do...?" He asked quietly. "What do I do, Watari...?"
"We wait. It won't be easy but that is all we can do right now and hope that Light will be will to answer our questions and we will be able to work out what to do from there. It won't be easy but nothing in these situations ever is," Watari replied wisely, his heart breaking seeing the one who was like a son, cry so much.
"Why would he do this...?" He asked quietly. "If he didn't want me to be around him, why didn't he just leave, or tell me to leave...?"
"Maybe it was because he couldn't," Watari replied. "I don't know why, you'll have to ask him."
"He... He won't talk to me," L said quietly. "He hasn't said a word to me in days..." He looked up at Watari, feeling like he was a young child again. "He probably hates me after what I did..."
"And that is why you are going to try again. Make him talk to you. Don't give up on him so easily," Watari said encouragingly.
L shook his head. "I'm not going to give up," He said quietly. "I just don't want him to either."
"As I said, it isn't going to be easy, but…" Watari started but Doctor Kennedy cut him off.
"…Ryuzaki? What brings you to the hospital?" He asked, concerned.
L pointed to the door which Light had gone through. "He... He tried to kill himself," He said quietly. "He took a load of sedatives..."
"Oh my…" Kennedy said stunned. "How long have you been here for?"
L shook his head. "I don't know... ten minutes?" He was starting to hyperventilate now. "Doctor, please... make sure he's okay..."
"Yes… of course, I'll go check on him now." With that the doctor turned and went to find Light.
L was lying on the chair. By now, he'd stopped crying, and he was just starring into space, doing nothing but just sitting there...
Doctor Kennedy came back twenty minutes later.
"The drugs have been flushed out and Light is being taken to intensive care, but he should be ok," He reported. L nodded, his eyes still staring into nothing. It was easier than having the emotion. Just to ignore them. The doctor sighed and told Watari that Light should be awake the next day and so they could visit then.
L seemed to be completely ignoring everything and anything around him. He was just uselessly staring in front of him. He was following any orders that Watari said, not even thinking of it himself. The doctor left and Watari sat down to wait with L. There was silence in the waiting room, L staring ahead, his eyes dead, his body completely lax.
He'd given up on emotions.
Watari sighed. "I'm going to go to sleep, there is nothing we can do till tomorrow."
L nodded, not making any moves to move. He just stayed still. Eventually, some quiet words escaped his mouth. "Have a good night Watari. And thank you."
"Will you be alright? I could stay with you if you would like," Watari offered.
Smiling a little, L turned to Watari. "I am no longer the child I once was." He said softly. "I'll be fine." He bowed slightly to the older male. "Thank you."
"I know but you are like a son to me and as such I will always want to be there for you," Watari replied gently. "I will be back early tomorrow, goodnight."
L nodded, looking at Watari. Just as Watari was heading away, L stood and moved to him. "Watari..." he said quietly, waiting for the other to turn around before standing forward and pulling his arms around the old man. "Thank you." He said quietly, his head on Watari's chest. He hugged him tightly.
"You're a good person and I am very proud of you. I just know things will turn out ok in the end," Watari murmured as he gently returned the hug.
"I hope you're right." L said quietly. "Thank you... for everything." He said quietly. He held Watari tighter and bit his lip to not cry.
Watari just held the younger man. He knew how painful it was to lose someone but even so he couldn't imagine what it would be like to know that person had decided to die.
For the first time since he was eight years old, L was crying into Watari's shoulder, sobbing like a young child.
Watari knew that he shouldn't have felt so relieved that L was crying, but he knew that L needed to get this out so that he would be able to help Light. L wouldn't have been able to help anyone at the moment and the last thing he needed was for L to give up on emotions.
Sobbing harshly, L clung to Watari. He'd never felt so frail before. Even when Light was in hospital last time, he hadn't felt so... broken. Maybe it was because Light had done it himself.
"We always feel weak when the ones we love are in pain," Watari whispered.
"It's my fault Watari." L sobbed. "He asked me to stop, and I didn't..."
"I think that it was more than just that," Watari replied softly.
"I raped him Watari..." L said quietly, sobbing, "He said to stop, and I didn't. Then he got hurt... I wish I stopped. I wish I did..."
"As I said, I doubt that was the entire reason but you need to talk to Light. Only he can give an answer as to why he did it."
"He won't talk to me. He hates me. He's silent to me." He said with a cry.
"Don't give up. He may talk to you this time," Watari said soothingly.
"I hope so." L said. He kept his arms around Watari, taking some comfort from his father figure. The only father figure that he actually liked. "When is he going to wake up?"
"Doctor Kennedy said he should be awake tomorrow and you should be able to see him then," Watari replied.
"C-can you stay?" he asked, knowing that he'd already told Watari that he didn't have to. "I- I don't think I can be alone right now..."
"Of course, I wasn't seriously planning on it anyway," Watari replied gently.
"Thank you." L said in a shaking voice. He leaned closer to the male and hugged him again before pulling away. He wiped his eyes with a shaking hand before looking up at Watari. "Thank you. For everything..."
"You're welcome," Watari replied and he led them back over to the seats to wait.
L sat on the chair, curling in on himself again and leaning against Watari. "Tell me a story..." he said quietly.
When he was a child, he often became afraid in the night. He'd rush to Watari's room, and climb beside him. Back when that happened, L would ask for a story, and Watari would tell him something to calm him down, a child's story to sooth him at night.
Watari looked up thoughtfully before remembering the one that L had liked the most and had often got him to retell it after he had a nightmare. Leaning back he wrapped an arm around L and began to tell the story.
L listened to the story, his eyes glazing over and sighing. He listened to Watari and slowly fell asleep, just like when he'd been a child. Soon, he was breathing evenly, relaxed and sleeping peacefully for the first time in what seemed like forever.
Noticing that his audience was asleep Watari smiled and watched over L as the boy slept as he had not done since L had been a child. Deciding that sleep could wait, Watari began to think over the events that had occurred and what was yet to come.
L slept soundly throughout the night, shivering slightly a few times throughout the night.
He shifted slightly, and now his head was on the arm of the chair beside Watari's hip.
Watari requested for a nurse to bring a blanket which he draped over L as he noticed how cold he was and sighed. He still had no idea what to do but it had only been 2am so he still had plenty of time to think up something before morning.
When it got to 6am Watari was still no closer to an answer than he had been when he started. L stretched and rubbed his eyes, a little confused to find where he'd fallen asleep. Finding a blanket around him, he looked at Watari and blinked in confusion. Then he remembered and he went pale.
"Is... Is Light okay."
"He's fine. He is still sleeping," Watari said soothingly.
"I need to see him..." L said quietly. During the night, L had had a nightmare about Light, that he'd gone into his room and Light had killed himself, right in front of L. L didn't want him to die – he really didn't.
L was shaking, but he tried to keep calm. "I need – I have to see him."
"I don't know if they will let you in the room but the walls will probably be glass so you will be able to look in on him," Watari answered and called over a nurse. "My sons fiancé is currently in intensive care at the moment. Would it be alright if he went in a checked on him? He is feeling quite upset at the moment and he will stay outside the room."
The nurse frowned. "Fine, but he will have to wait till visiting hours to actually go in." When Watari nodded, the nurse said, "Ok, follow me. You're here for Yagami, Light correct?"
L nodded. He looked down at his hand before putting it in his pocket. He pulled out the ring that Light had thrown onto the bed. He held it tightly in his hand. The word fiancé had reminded him of that ring, sitting alone on the bed.
Tears sprung to his eyes and his hands clenched slightly, pressing against his chest. He was trembling now as he moved to follow Watari. He looked through the glass and stared at Light.
He began to sob before, collapsing into the nearby chair. He looked up to Watari, reaching out for his hand.
Watari moved over and took the offered hand in his own as they gazed in on the boy on the bed who seemed so much more fragile than what he usually was.
L pulled his hand away after leaving the ring in his palm. He knew that Watari would understand. Standing, L looked to the glass. He was stood close to it, and he watched the other male in the room. His hand was against the glass, as if wishing he could be on the other side.
As if answering some unspoken call Light's eyes fluttered before opening, looking out of the room to meet the gaze of the one standing on the other side of the glass. His expression was blank though, as though he was exhausted.
L looked at Light sadly, forcing himself to smile at him. His hand curled slightly as if trying to hold onto Light. Tears filled his eyes again. He looked at Watari and smiled softly. "He doesn't want me." He said quietly, looking down at Watari's hand, where he'd put the ring.
"I thought you said you weren't going to give up?" Watari said kindly. "We don't know what Light wants."
"I'm not stupid," L said softly, looking back at Light. He could already tell that this was soundproof glass. And he'd been in this sort of a room before. "He refuses to talk to me, he removes the ring I gave him, and then he tries to kill himself in a locked bathroom." He shook his head. "I'm not giving up. It just hurts to know that he'd rather kill himself than talk to me." He shook his head. "Tell me what I'm supposed to think."
"That he was trapped for some reason and that prevented him from telling you. Don't jump to assumptions quite so quickly. Maybe the reason he wasn't talking to you before was because he had been planning to do what he did and he didn't want you to find out."
L shook his head, "I don't know..." He said quietly. "I'll talk to him... if he talks back..." He said quietly, "Because I love him, and I want to stay with him. And even if he doesn't want to be with me, I'll still be there for him as a friend. I'm not going to let him go through this alone."
"That's the spirit," Watari said smiling now and called over the nurse from before and asking when 'Ryuzaki' could go in. The nurse sighed and walked over to grab a doctor who went into the glass room and checked Light out.
When he came out he walked over to L and said, "You can go in now if you'd like."
L nodded, smiling his thanks. He then headed to the door, but he paused at the entrance. "I-" He couldn't... "I don't think..." He turned to Watari. His hands shaking. "I can't..."
"Ryuzaki?" Came a hoarse whisper from the bed.
Instantly, L looked back at the door, opening it. He looked at Light and his heart broke. He walked into the room and slowly advanced to Light's bed. "L-Light...?" His voice was trembling, more than his hand now.
"Hi," Light mumbled.
"Y-your talking to me..." L said quietly, a little surprised. He was stepping forward, timidly. He stopped, at the foot of Light's bed. He didn't know if he should go any closer. "H-how're you feeling...?" he asked quietly.
"Tired…" Light replied honestly. "…Numb…"
"C-can I come closer...?" L was still in tears, but he was ignoring that in favour of paying attention to Light.
"Yeah," Light replied almost distantly.
L nodded and hesitated before stepping forward and pulling a chair up to beside to Light's bed. He looked at him. "Why...?" he asked quietly.
"It just got too much… too heavy and I just collapsed…"
"Why didn't you talk to me... or your father or anyone?" L found himself asking, more tears coming. He was close to breaking down again, and he knew it. He looked down to his hand where he still wore his own ring.
"Because I couldn't. You've had this thing going on for nearly as long as we have been together, where I'm forced to hold my tongue. I knew you wouldn't be able to handle what I had to say and I would have ended up apologising just so you wouldn't try and get me to leave you. After all, it is only recently that you have even begun to think you are worthy of being with me. I knew that if I said anything you would either blame yourself, beyond what would be necessary, and I would be the one trying to make you feel better, or you would turn it into another fight where I would have to try and convince you that I want to be with you," Light explained, his voice neutral.
Instantly grief and guilt washed over L and he looked down. He didn't say anything, he just nodded. "I understand," He said quietly. He looked up again, into Light's eyes. "Do you want to be with me?" He asked, trying hard to keep his voice neutral. "You left the ring on the bed." He explained quietly.
"I also took half a bottle of sleeping pills and didn't expect to be waking up again," Light reminded L dryly.
L stifled a sob at that one. He tried to keep his emotions in check. He swallowed his sobs and nodded. "O-okay." He stuttered. "I- I understand." He nodded again. "But you didn't... you didn't answer me... It's okay... you don't have to answer now... But... I'm not going to leave you. I'm going to help you through this, even if it's just as a – as a friend..."
"You will?" Light said sounding doubtful. "After that incident, my world was falling apart and I needed you, just like Mello needs Matt at the moment, and you made me feel like I was nuisance. I was scared and you kept forcing me to deal with it on my own because I was being too clingy. As far as what I have seen of Mello and Matt they probably haven't left each others for more than a couple of minutes and Mello probably hardly let's Matt go for the entire time they are together."
"Light..." L was feeling even guiltier now. "I'm sorry..." He took Light's hand in his own. "If you want me to be like that, if you want me to be like Matt is to Mello, then I will. I'll be with you." He bit his lip as he looked at Light. He was trembling still, but he ignored that. "I just... I didn't think you'd want me to be that close..." he shook his head, "But I was wrong." He started moving closer to Light. A trembling hand reached out and gently stroked his forehead.
"Ryuzaki, I was panicking whenever you got too far from me and you knew I was. I just wanted to be cared for, for once, rather than always being one putting my emotions second because I needed to try and balance you out again. I won't deny that it hurt like hell when you did that to me, but I didn't let myself scream because I knew that you needed it. I could have stopped it, but I didn't because of you."
L trembled nodding. This was hurting him, but he was taking it. He deserved this. Light was right. He was quiet, listening to Light's words. "I know... I haven't been good to you... at all..." He said quietly. "I want to change..." He said quietly, "I'm going to try... everything I can..." He was crying again. He put his arm around Light's shoulders. "I'm sorry. From now on, I'll do what I can..." He continued to stroke Light's forehead.
Light unconsciously curled into L closer.
"You know how you felt because you shot your dad, well try multiplying that feeling by hundreds. I still haven't gotten over that either and I don't know if I ever will…"
L shook his head. "It's only human not to," He said quietly. He leaned forward to gently kiss Light on the forehead. He looked down at him then. "I want to help you," He said quietly. He climbed onto the bed and sat next to Light, his arms around him completely now. "If you want me to, I'll never leave. If you say you want me to stay, I will." He said quietly. "Just say the word."
Light looked up L, his eyes flickered with tentative hope, but clouded by doubt. "Stay?" He whispered.
Nodding, L shifted slightly to get more comfortable. He placed his head on Light's shoulder and sighed softly. He was trying incredibly hard to keep his tears in, but they were leaking. "Sorry." He mumbled, reaching up to wipe his eyes. He then sighed softly.
"How can I help?" he asked softly.
Light didn't answer. He had fallen asleep.
Sighing softly, L made himself comfortable. He was going to keep his word. There was nothing in this world that was going to make him leave now. Nothing at all.
Watari came in a moment later. "How is he?"
"He- He's talking to me..." he said quietly. "He told me his reasons..." He didn't move from his position. "He asked me to stay with him. Like Matt did for Mello..."
"So do you think he will try again?" Watari asked worriedly.
"I- I don't know... But... I won't let him." He said, "I'll protect him from himself." He promised.
Watari smiled. "Good, because he will need you to be strong for him now."
L nodded and looked up at Watari. "I – I need to be strong..." He nodded. "I fear I'll need you now more than ever..."
"Of course," Watari replied gently. "For as long as you need me I'll be here."
"Thank you Watari." Then L just stayed there, lying with Light.
"Now, how about some breakfast? Anything you feel like?" Watari asked.
"I'm not really that hungry..." L said softly. His stomach was churning, and he was glad that he hadn't eaten in a while.
Dimly, he was a little worried about that he was falling back into anorexia.
"I doubt I will need to remind you that you returning to your old habits now would not help Light. It would not be good for you to be sick because you were weren't eating and Light shouldn't need to be worrying about you," Watari said sounding concerned. "Anyway I am in desperate need of coffee."
"Get me... a cup of coffee...and maybe a muffin." He said with a nod, listening to Watari's advice. He sighed softly. "I'll try and eat it... start slowly... make it a blueberry muffin..."
"Ok," Watari replied and left to go and get the food and coffee.
L stayed with Light and looked to the sleeping male. "I'm going to do everything I can to make this up to you..." He said quietly.
Light frowned in his sleep as he curled up against L.
"I don't know if you know how much I do love you," He said quietly, "but it doesn't matter. But I'm going to stay here, with you, until you get sick of me and literally throw things at me to get me to leave..."
Watari returned a few moments later with the muffin and coffees.
L sat up, pulling a table closer to him and placing the coffee and muffin on that. He pulled the muffin apart and started to place small bits in his mouth. He smiled at Watari, thankfully as he started drinking the coffee.
Watari took a seat silently and began to eat his muffin too.
Half way through the muffin, L pushed it away slightly. He then lay back down with Light, his head on his chest. He was silent, feeling a little more comfortable now.
"So do you wish to contact the boys about what has happened?" Watari asked.
L froze for a second. "I don't want to scare them..." he said quietly. "And his parents need to know..."
"I know you don't but they will be wondering where Light will be since he probably won't be home for a while now," Watari answered. "As for Light's parents what do you wish for me to tell them?"
"The truth." L said quietly, "Always the truth. We can tell the boys that he's here because of an accident... They don't need to know right now..."
"Ok. Shall I make the calls now or wait?"
L paused, thinking for a moment, "Now would probably be best..." He said quietly.
"Ok, I will be back shortly." Standing up Watari turned and left the room to call Light's parents as well as Matt, Mello and Near.
L lay on Light and spoke quietly. "Watari's going to tell your family... they'll probably be here soon." He spoke quietly to the sleeping male.
About an hour later Light stirred from his sleep.
L sat up and looked at Light with a soft smile. "I think your parents are on the way..." he said quietly. "Watari called them. He also told the boys that you'd had an accident and had to come here..."
"Mhmmm…" Light mumbled, his eyes opening slowly.
L smiled softly at Light. "You feel like eating anything...?" He asked quietly.
Light shook his head. "No, not really."
Nodding, L lay back down, feeling okay to just sit with his lover. "You know... we once said we'd spend all day in bed, just lying together. But I didn't think it'd be here..."
"Neither did I," Light whispered.
L sat up and looked at Light seriously. "Are you going to try it again?" he asked, completely serious. "Are you likely to try and kill yourself again?"
"I don't… probably not… If you really do as you say and help me," Light replied tiredly.
"I'll hold you to that," L warned, "If you kill yourself, I swear I'll follow you and pull you back kicking and screaming if I have to." He then smiled at Light. "You scared me..."
"I know that now, but then I was just so overwhelmed that I didn't care. I wanted you to be," Light murmured.
"I'm not blaming you for it." L said quietly. "I just wish you would've done something else- anything else. Leave, cheat, hit me, yell, scream, gamble, anything..." He shook his head, "But it's all in the past now..." He looked at Light and gently stroked his bald head. "What matters is the present and the future..."
"I couldn't talk to you; I could never hit you or cheat on you and you are the centre of my universe so trying to leave you is like a planet trying to break free of gravity," Light said, hi9s words feeling inadequate for what he needed to express. "And if you make another crack about me watching chic flics I will hit you."
L laughed lightly, looking down at his love. "I think it's cute." He said quietly. "We should watch some together. Then maybe a Barbie movie too, or maybe that Tinkerbelle movie that's just come out," He joked.
Light gave a half-hearted glare and whacked L's arm. "I warned you…"
Laughing a little, L rubbed his arm and looked down at Light. Leaning forward, he gently placed his lips against the others. He then pulled back only far enough to whisper against his lips. "I like them too." He said.
"Sly bastard," Light grumbled crossing his arms against his chest.
L smiled down at him and leaned against him. "I'll get Watari to bring some with a laptop. We can watch together..."
"Do I have to?" Light whined. "You've made your point already. If we have to watch something can't it well… be something else?"
L smiled, "Like what?" He asked. "I can't stand horrors, crime and mystery is boring because I already know the answer before we're half way through, comedies aren't worth it unless they're romantic comedy. Action bores me." He shrugged. "What do you want to watch?"
"With most chic flics though you don't even need five minutes to work out what will happen in the end," Light countered.
"I know. But I still think they're cute." L told Light. He snuggled close to the other and carried on speaking. "I mean, often they're fantasies that random women have come up with, but they work for gay men too. The whole, everything goes perfect in a not so perfect way." He shrugged. "I've always liked romantic comedies."
"I'm usually pretty wary of those. They can be rather stupid," Light said frowning.
L laughed. "I like to dream." He said.
"Still looking for true love then?" Light teased.
"No, no. I have that." L said with a smile. "I just wish things were as easy as they are in the movies. Everything is guaranteed to have a happy ending."
"Yeah," Light said, wishing it were that easy too. Lifting his head up, he nuzzled L gently. "I love you."
"I love you too." L said quietly, leaning against Light. It was strange to think that they could have such a normal conversation after everything that had happened.
"…Thankyou for saving me," Light said a few minutes later, the words sounding awkward, not yet sure if he meant them. All this seemed too easy.
"I would've never forgiven myself if I didn't. I'd've likely followed you to be honest," L said quietly, moving closer to Light as if to reassure them both.
Light took L's hand, his eyes on the ring and he sighed.
"While I'm getting everything else out, I may as well say this out too. You know how we used to talk about marriage and you thought I was too young and then you proposed to me anyway. I… I wish you didn't," Light expression turned sad. "Don't get me wrong it's not that I changed my mind, but I felt like I was forcing you into it and then I had to tell you that you weren't ready and call off the engagement pretty much…"
L nodded. "I know." He said quietly. "I know that neither of us is really ready for that. We're close, don't get me wrong, but we're too screwed up right now..."
"You shouldn't have proposed then," Light said simply, closing his eyes. "I guess you won't want to trust me now will you?"
"Why do you say that?" L asked quietly. "I asked because I did want it. Even if we're not ready for it."
"You said it yourself; you aren't ready for that much trust. How can you want to marry someone you don't trust?" Light shot back.
"I've... I've started to trust you..." L admitted, "More than I thought I did." He said. "I have a feeling that you could ask me anything, and I would answer. But... I still don't know how to say what I feel. It's not anything I've ever had to do before."
"Yeah well now you do. It's not like I have much experience either. The people I used to hang around with were hardly my friends, so I was always lying about my emotions, but with you I am being honest," Light admitted and opened his eyes to meet L's. "What part of being with me scares you so much?"
"The part where you leave," L said quietly. "I'm afraid that you'll go." He admitted. "That you'll die, that you'll leave me..."
"See, just listen to yourself. I feel like you haven't made any progress at all. You don't get it. Because you have never trusted me not to leave I nearly did. I nearly died because you could never believe that I honestly didn't know of anywhere I would have rather been than by your side," Light exclaimed but not loud enough for anyone outside to hear.
L shook his head. "I'm not afraid that you'll leave me of your own will. I'm more afraid that you'll get killed, that you'll have to go." He said, "I know that you'd never go unless I give you enough of a reason. And something tells me that I'd have to beat you, probably a lot, for that to happen." He shook his head, "No. I'm afraid that something will force you away from me. And I'll always be afraid of that."
"Damn it Ryuzaki! I thought you were smarter than that," Light moaned. "Of course we are going to die eventually, but that shouldn't prevent you from enjoying the time we have. If you keep living like I'm going to die then we won't ever be happy."
"It's hard to act like there's no possibility of your death when you're lying in a hospital bed!" L pointed out, loosing it slightly. He took a breath before shaking his head. "Sorry." He mumbled.
"Discounting the fact that I nearly died of my own free will; how about the rest of the time? I hardly live in a hospital even if it does seem that way recently," Light replied ignoring L's apology.
"When we get out of here, things will be different." L promised. "We'll... We'll live in the moment..."
"We shouldn't always live in the moment, but I just don't want you to get held back because one of us might die tomorrow," Light said, frustrated. L nodded, understanding the logic. His mind agreed, but his heart still feared. He decided that he'd teach his heart, that he'd teach it to understand, and that he'd bury what ever doubt he still had.
"But I don't think I'll ever be able to be completely without fear."
"Neither am I, but I don't let it control me. Don't you think that the idea of losing you doesn't terrify me?" Light shot back, his hands holding L's now. L changed his position slightly, so that he was straddling the other. He looked down at him.
"You nearly did." He said seriously. "You nearly lost everything and everyone." He pointed out. "You tried to kill yourself. Even if I wasn't afraid before. I am now." He looked into his eyes, staring at him. "Do you know what it felt like, to walk into the bathroom and see you lying there, hardily breathing? In fact, you stopped breathing." He shook his head, "Don't ask me to give up my fear of you dying. Because I never will."
"I'm not asking you to. Anyway don't you think I know what I nearly gave up? –Ryuzaki I pretty much had an emotional crash after what has happened to me. I forgot you and even then I knew I had to be constantly careful of everything I did or said. Now I remember again didn't you at least suspect that I might do something as drastic as what I did?" Light cried. L was feeling like his heart was breaking. Everything Light was saying, it was all true. He couldn't stop the tears that came out of his eyes. He nodded, taking a deep breath and forcing himself to swallow his sobs. Light's eyes closed tightly as if trying to protect himself from L's tears and forced himself into silence. L pulled away and sat up straight on the bed, not moving too far away from Light, but not touching him either. He curled upon himself, his legs close to his chest. He was trying so hard to stop from feeling like his whole world was crumbling.
"Y-You're right." He managed to say, "I've been nothing but a burden to you... I'm going to try... try to be different, to be more independent..."
"I wanted… still want to be there for you, but I want you to be there for me too. I can't handle all the negatives on my own as I think I have proven," Light whispered. L nodded, the urge to run extreme. But he wasn't going to run, he was going to stay, be with Light, go against that instinct to get away from all this potential hurt.
"I-I'm going to stay..."
"If this is because I said that thing about Matt, I hope you know I only meant I wanted you to be there then. Now is completely different. I don't know if I could cling onto you like I did even if I wanted to… If you staying out of guilt I don't want you to be here," Light said firmly.
L shook his head, "I'm staying here because I want to. I want to be here for you..." his voice was still trembling, but he was sure of what he was saying. "I love you... and I want to be better than I have been. I want to be – I want to be more deserving of you..." Light smiled, his eyes opening to look up at the white ceiling.
"Thankyou…" He tilted his head to look at L a curious expression on his face. "…I wonder. What would you have done if I told you this before I attempted suicide?"
"If you told me what exactly?" L asked, lifting his head slightly to look at Light. He smiled very slightly. "Honestly, I don't know." He said quietly.
"If I told you everything that I did just before. If I told you exactly how I felt before resorting to suicide," Light murmured.
"I-" He didn't want to say it. He didn't want to tell him the words, he knew they'd hurt both of them. But he wanted to be honest. "I think I would've run away..." He admitted quietly. "I wouldn't have realized the severity."
"That's what I think too and why I can't bring myself to regret what I did even if it hurt you. I needed something drastic that would prevent you from running away," Light mused, his smile turning into a slight frown.
L nodded, "I understand that." He said quietly, "Just... just don't do it again... and if you do... don't lock the bathroom door..." He said, trying to smile at that. He leaned back, tears still falling. "I love you," He said quietly.
"I love you too," Light replied immediately. "But, even though I probably won't try it again, I don't think you understand. I truly didn't intend to wake up. The fact that I did and this is the result was just luck."
"Do you wish you had died?"
Yeah I still kind of suck, but at least it isn't as bad a cliff hanger as the previous chapter, or as bad as the one it was going to have, since this chapter was going to be half as long. Anyway I hope you all at least sort of understand why Light did what he did, although I am only now really beginning to understand it myself. Anyway thanks for reading and please review.