I got this idea after reading something in the paper over here. The stats are for Britain but I figured I'd use them for house to work with.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.
"You are not wearing any panties."
Cuddy looked up at House with an exasperated expression on her face. She had just finished a meeting with a donor and was now creating the presentation they had requested to see in the next meeting in forty eight hours. She was thankful that House had decided to wait until her meeting was over before bursting in and so she rewarded him by planting her face on her right palm and waited for him to continue.
House took a magazine out of his back pocket and sat down in the seat in front of her desk, straightening out the magazine and clearing his throat.
"One in five women go to work without wearing any panties." He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to react, some blushing or maybe throw him out.
"And how did you work out that I'm not wearing panties?" She asked, her voice tainted with boredom as she continued to look at him with a blank look.
"Thirteen, Cameron, new nurse in oncology and Debbie from accounting are all wearing underwear, which means you aren't." He told her with a smirk as he attempted to get a glimpse of her bra from the gap in her blouse.
Cuddy leaned back in her chair. "And so, because they are wearing panties, you deduced that – "
"You aren't. Yup." He nodded in affirmation, grinning at her.
"So I assume you just asked them all to drop their pants or hike up their skirts…?"
House put on an affronted look. "I would never do a thing like that. Do you know how much paperwork is involved in a sexual harassment law suit?" He paused for a moment as though deep in thought. "Although, judging by the fact that you haven't had a male secretary in years, I'd say you do," he said with a smirk.
The corners of Cuddy's mouth turned up momentarily in faux amusement.
"No, I'd never do a thing like that," House continued, getting back on track. "Never underestimate the power of a visible panty line." He bobbed his eyebrows and smiled suggestively at her.
"Ok, you can leave now, House." She pointed to the door before turning back to her computer to continue with her work.
"I'm not done yet." He told her, looking at the magazine as she attempted to ignore him.
"Thirty four percent of women have had sex in a car." He read before looking up at her with a smirk. "I know you're a 'need it when I need it' kind of girl so I'm gonna say you're part of that thirty four percent."
Cuddy looked at him and rolled her eyes. "As much as I just love discussing my sex life with you, House, I'd prefer it if you let me get on with my work by going and doing some of your own."
"The kids are all over it." He waved his hand dismissively, looking at the magazine before he turned his gaze back up to Cuddy, another smile on his face.
"The average person will have sex four thousand two hundred and thirty nine times in their lifetime. So tell me Cuddy, are you a high achiever in all aspects of your life?" He bobbed his eyebrows provocatively. "Or are you on track to just being average? I personally have exceeded expectations." He was grinning at her, this was way too much fun.
"I'm sure they don't include sex you have to pay for, House." Cuddy hit back with a smile of her own without missing a beat.
"Touché." Cuddy could always match him, especially when she was bored of his antics, which is why he tried so hard to annoy her. She was a good sparring partner, always had been. Their relationship was built upon the exchange of quick witted insults and House would miss it if it ever stopped, not that he would necessarily admit it.
He looked down at the magazine to see the next statistic he had circled. "Oh, this one is definitely for you. 'Ten percent of women cry in store changing rooms.'" He looked up at her as she looked at him with a puzzled expression. "It must reduce you to tears when that rapidly expanding ass of yours can no longer fit in a size eight." He smirked.
Cuddy's puzzlement morphed in to one of frustration as she realised that she was going to have to do one of three things; kick him out, ignore him until he grew bored or sit and listen until he ran out of facts to read out and then proceed to insult her with.
She reached forward instead and grabbed the magazine from his hand, quickly scanning the page.
"Hey!" House leaned forward to make a grab for the magazine and huffed out in annoyance when Cuddy pulled out of his reach.
"Let's see...'twelve percent of sickies are faked each year.' Hmmm, what did you say was wrong with you last week, House? Impetigo? Jock itch?Runner's Knee?" She looked at him pointedly.
"Definitely the last one." House said with a smile, leaning back in his chair with his arms folded across his chest.
Cuddy looked back down at the magazine. "Eight percent of men don't clean their teeth in the morning and thirty six percent of people don't take a bath or shower every day." Cuddy looked at his unkempt appearance and smiled. "Would you happen to be part of those statistics?" She teased.
"We both know I'm a clean person, Cuddy." He said looking across at her. "I wash before and after remember?"
She looked back down at the magazine picking out some more statistics just as House's pager went off. She watched as he looked down at it and let out a gruff sigh.
"Well, looks like one of us has to go and be a proper doctor. The results are in." He said, pushing himself to his feet with the help of his cane. He held his hand out for the magazine and was slightly surprised when Cuddy spoke instead.
"'Fifty two percent of men have had sex in cars.' I guess you can't be counted in that one." Cuddy looked at him with a dangerous smile on her face. House raised an eyebrow in expectation amusement visible in his eyes. "It's not sex if you're the only person involved." She read, standing up and walking around her desk to stand in front of him.
"I beg to differ," House replied, practically beaming as he looked down at her. He hadn't expected Cuddy to join in but he had more fun this way. "As long as you get off, why not call it sex?" He took the magazine from her and made his way to the door leaving Cuddy blushing as she watched him.
"Oh, one more thing." He said turning with his hand on the door handle. "'On average, women own twenty two pairs of underwear.'" He quoted from memory, looking right at her.
"You've seen my underwear drawer, House. We both know I'm an over achiever in that respect." She said as the pair exchanged a smile before House left the room and Cuddy returned to her desk.
Cuddy made her way out of her office and headed into the clinic to the admissions desk to discuss things with the nurse currently on duty there. She sorted through some of the files, signing various pages as they spoke about next week's clinic rota.
She was on her way back to her office with a few files when House followed a frustrated patient out of exam room two and went to pick up another file from the nurse's station. Cuddy smiled as the files fell from her arms and she bent down to pick them up.
House's hands froze just as he opened up another file to peruse the symptoms and tilted his head slightly to the right as he stared, unabashedly, at Cuddy's ass. He ignored the disgusted huff the nurse was giving him and continued to stare intently even as Cuddy stood up straight.
She quickly looked over her shoulder and House could see the sparkle in her eyes as she smirked at him before making her way back to her office.
"Statistics never lie." House muttered to himself with a smug grin before taking the file to exam room one to see his next patient.