Author Notes: I wrote this just so I could use that line as a summary. It makes you think dirty things, doesn't it. ;D But I blame my friend Lucy for this. Entirely. One-hundred percent. THIS IS FOR YOU AND ALL THE DIRTY IDEAS YOU PUT IN MY HEAD. 33333

Pairings or Characters: Doumeki/Watanuki, Yuuko
samurai AU, because I can, and some sexing (god, I can't resist the porn)
Word Count:
"My swords are on the line, now swallow, dammit!"

Thank You for the Meal

Watanuki knew things like this were never his fault. But they still happened with frightening regularity, and he knew the only one to blame was the silent bastard kneeling across from him.

Somehow, due entirely to the stubbornness of his fellow warrior, they were stuck in the house of an enchantress who had stripped him of his weapons and trapped him in a strange bubble floating a foot above the ground. If he hadn't been ingested by a demon earlier that week, or cursed by a vengeful spirit earlier that month, or completely immune to the paranormal since his childhood, he may have been surprised. But he wasn't, so he calmly sat in his bubble and grimaced as his barnacle kneeled down in front of a table covered in numerous plates of delicious-looking food, which he was to eat in order for the two of them to be released. He always got the easy challenges, much to Watanuki's irritation.

But he hadn't touched anything for quite some time, which was rather frustrating.

"Is nothing here to your liking?" the enchantress smiled, as if she already knew the answer. Doumeki stared blankly down at the food and said nothing as the witch trailed a long, elegant finger down the length of one of Watanuki's blades.

Watanuki, growing slightly tired of his transparent prison -- despite it separating him from the one who would never be so kind as to willingly detach himself from his side ever -- let out a loud growl before leaping to his feet and banging on his invisible container from within.

"You bastard, what are you doing? Don't just sit there! My swords are on the line, now swallow, dammit!"

Doumeki looked up at him with a scowl.

"Hey, don't look at me like that!" Watanuki shouted, pointing an angry finger at the other swordsman, "Just because you're picky doesn't mean you can leave me floating in a bubble in this freaky place!"

Doumeki turned away -- to which Watanuki responded by calling him less than flattering names, with a few swear words tossed in for good measure -- and instead locked eyes with the woman holding them captive.

"I can't eat it."

"Oh?" She was still smiling. Watanuki found it maddening.

"BASTARD! JERK! IDIOT! FREAK!" Watanuki hollered, which neither of the others took notice of.

"Why won't you eat?"

Doumeki frowned and sighed, as if the words in his head were refusing to come out the way he wanted.

"I only want..."

Watanuki paused his shouting as Doumeki's eyes landed on him, suddenly unable to release the air in his lungs. The enchantress hid a knowing smirk behind one of her elaborately decorated sleeves.

"... what that dumbass makes."

Watanuki flushed a deep red -- he would claim out of rage, but was mostly out of embarrassment at how happy that comment made him -- and resumed shouting various obscenities at Doumeki until he heard his bubble prison disappear with a soft pop and felt himself collide with the floor. When he blinked away the surprise, Doumeki's face was the first thing he saw, and he took a furious swipe at it but was easily caught by the wrist.

He turned several shades darker before shoving his barnacle off and grabbing his swords from the witch's extended hand.

"So what now?" Watanuki asked impatiently, sounding like he had somewhere more important to be.

"You are free to go," she grinned mischievously.

Watanuki, confused about how easy this encounter had turned out to be compared to his usual dealings with ghosts and witches, almost asked her if she was serious before Doumeki grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him out of the large dining room.

The enchantress smiled after them before waving a hand in a quick motion.

Watanuki silently admired the feel of Doumeki's rough hands -- as one swordsman to another mind you -- as he was lead out of the large palace. As they reached the front entrance, he expected to be tugged back out onto the street, but found himself being taken down an empty hall that he didn't recall seeing on their way inside. Before he could ask why they were going down this way, he was pulled around a sharp corner and pressed up against the wall.

He tensed, one hand going for the hilt of his sword, before his trust for Doumeki overrode his initial warrior's instinct.

"Doumeki, what are you--" Watanuki attempted to complain before realizing that there were suddenly hands in his kimono, fingers tugging down his fundoshi and lips trailing up his thighs. His head fell back against the wall of the mansion as he grabbed at Doumeki's hair.

"Wait-- The guards--" he tried to protest, but was forced to suck in a breath as a calloused hand gripped him.

"They won't be coming," Doumeki assured him, voice partly muffled as he pressed kisses to pale skin.

"You're all -- nngh -- plotting against me," Watanuki growled, still managing to sound upset as he was stroked knowingly and gently.

"Shut up and come, dumbass," Doumeki replied smoothly, squeezing him harder. Watanuki responded by gasping loudly, grunting out 'prick' and coming all over Doumeki's hand. As he eventually caught his breath, Watanuki briefly glanced down and spotted Doumeki licking his fingers clean and promptly blushed bright red.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he cried, pulling the dirtied hand away from the offending tongue in horror. Doumeki pushed himself up from his knees with his other hand and stared straight into Watanuki's flushed face.

"Thank you for the meal," Doumeki deadpanned before leaning forward and claiming Watanuki's lips with his own.